Venting i'm tired of people i am completely alone

[nails]

i really feels like i can't die. still, life keeps getting worse. maybe i died and i'm just in hell or something. everything is painful. thankfully, i've started drinking so i finally have some relief. i look forward to that every night, but now i feel tired all of the time and im more anxious than usual. it's still worth it imo. i dont have as many panic attacks and i finally have moments where i feel somewhat calm and even a little joyful.

i am currently at work and it's been difficult all day. today was very uneventful, so i was stuck with my thoughts. i tried talking to my coworkers and it made me feel worse. i am so insignificant, no one cares about me. i wish i could hated instead of whatevwr this is. i am tired of people talking about me positively or saying how much they like me and then proceeding to act like i dont even exist. i feel like i'm being led on platonically and i feel pathetic just typing that out. i've been treated like shit by people who hate me and i would choose that over this bullshit any day of the week. i put in the effort, i'm always the only one messaging first/starting conversations irl. i'm always trying to make others happy and help them out, make sure they feel seen and appreciated. it never matters. i get excited because sometimes i have deeper conversations with others, but it never means anything. at best, i just become someone for people to trauma dump on. even my family hates my presence. they blatantly ignore me, talk over me, change the subject whenever i am trying to talk about something, exclude me, etc.
this is all so pointless, it's the same shit irl and online. idk what to change about myself to make this work. my existence is pointless, no one even wants me around, i have no one. i am worthless i need to die