im so fucking done

[meddle]

a little vent if you dont mind. how sweet that the only ones that hear and understand me are strangers from a creepy suicide online forum

1) i fucking hate that im so mediocre at every damn thing. ok, im no genius, i dont have really high expectations from myself. i just want to be normal, to be good, to be fine. like 5/10. i dont ask much. but everyting that i do fucking sucks i cant draw, i cant play piano, i dont know damn languages and cant fucking translate, even tho i wasted 5 fucking years of my miserable life in my fucking university

2) im so pathetic i cant even kill myself i keep telling that i continue to live for my close ones, for my loved ones... but guess what? im a fucking coward i dont really love anyone, im just afraid to finish me. i dont even have to jump from a building or to hang myself. all i have to do is to have some funny salty drink, but guess what? i cant fucking do this, because im a fucking coward

3) guess what? fucking therapy isnt working, im still sad and miserable well ofc its not working, because it was made for the people with real disorders not for stupid emo girls with permanent existencial crisis. or should a therapist give me a reason to live? or maybe solve all worlds problems?

4) not so long ago i learned that empathy is a fucking evolutionary mechanism laid down by nature. that helping others is biologically beneficial, because it increases the survival rate of the species. when the only good thing you see in yourself is just a mechanism inherent in nature cool!

5) i have a fucking normal life. i hated my job - well i dont work there anymore. i was lonely - well i have a boyfriend now. then why am i still so fucking miserable?

god, i wish i had a stroke ringt now. or a cancer. or something else

 

[pax420]

Be careful what you wish for. I've had 3 strokes and believe me. You don't want one. I still have the same problems I had before them. Now my speech is messed up and I can't get the words in my head out the way I want to. The right side of my body doesn't work right. I also watched my girlfriends dad die from cancer. He died a long drawn out very painful death. I wouldn't wish either one on my worst enemy. I'm no longer able to work and my girlfriend of 23 years died 2 years ago. That sucks but there are a lot of people on here in worse shape than either one of us. But these strangers on this creepy Internet forum care about us and don't judge us and try to help us out when we reach out. I'm not good for much but I'll listen and talk. Hope the best for you.

 

[meddle]

Be careful what you wish for. I've had 3 strokes and believe me. You don't want one. I still have the same problems I had before them. Now my speech is messed up and I can't get the words in my head out the way I want to. The right side of my body doesn't work right. I also watched my girlfriends dad die from cancer. He died a long drawn out very painful death. I wouldn't wish either one on my worst enemy. I'm no longer able to work and my girlfriend of 23 years died 2 years ago. That sucks but there are a lot of people on here in worse shape than either one of us. But these strangers on this creepy Internet forum care about us and don't judge us and try to help us out when we reach out. I'm not good for much but I'll listen and talk. Hope the best for you.

thank you for your kind words! yeah, i dont actually wish getting a stroke or a cancer, i just wish painless death that isnt self-inflicted, so my family wont be too sad
this forum is really important. here are so much gentle people that care about others, even if we never meet each other in person. its sad, that we are all suicidal here. such gentle souls deserve to live a long happy life, not to kill themselfes

 

[pelicanportal]

you may not have come here for advice but would you consider yourself to be a perfectionist? it can make us a bit neurotic, needing to be perfect and not getting close. it might make therapy a bit more useful if you are, and aware of it. don't dismiss yourself as not "worthy" of being in therapy. i have beat myself up for not knowing how to draw or know an instrument, so it is sad seeing someone else drag themselves for it too. it isnt a measure for success but i also know we are our own worst critics.

 

[pax420]

thank you for your kind words! yeah, i dont actually wish getting a stroke or a cancer, i just wish painless death that isnt self-inflicted, so my family wont be too sad
this forum is really important. here are so much gentle people that care about others, even if we never meet each other in person. its sad, that we are all suicidal here. such gentle souls deserve to live a long happy life, not to kill themselfes

I wish a long and happy life for everybody but life don't work that way. For most of us ctb is the only thing left. Physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain. Pain is pain and it really sucks. I don't believe that most of the people here really want to die, it's just all that's left. We push ourselves thru life in pain every single day and after years we just reach a breaking point where enough is enough. For me I've been knocked down and got back up for 44 years. I can't and won't do it again. I'm way past depressed, I'm just tired. I understand your pain and it sucks as bad as mine or anybody else's. I hope you can find something in life that makes you feel better and changes your mind about wanting to be dead. You are not worthless or a coward your just another human being that don't want to be in pain.

 

[kyukyu]

a little vent if you dont mind. how sweet that the only ones that hear and understand me are strangers from a creepy suicide online forum

1) i fucking hate that im so mediocre at every damn thing. ok, im no genius, i dont have really high expectations from myself. i just want to be normal, to be good, to be fine. like 5/10. i dont ask much. but everyting that i do fucking sucks i cant draw, i cant play piano, i dont know damn languages and cant fucking translate, even tho i wasted 5 fucking years of my miserable life in my fucking university

2) im so pathetic i cant even kill myself i keep telling that i continue to live for my close ones, for my loved ones... but guess what? im a fucking coward i dont really love anyone, im just afraid to finish me. i dont even have to jump from a building or to hang myself. all i have to do is to have some funny salty drink, but guess what? i cant fucking do this, because im a fucking coward

3) guess what? fucking therapy isnt working, im still sad and miserable well ofc its not working, because it was made for the people with real disorders not for stupid emo girls with permanent existencial crisis. or should a therapist give me a reason to live? or maybe solve all worlds problems?

4) not so long ago i learned that empathy is a fucking evolutionary mechanism laid down by nature. that helping others is biologically beneficial, because it increases the survival rate of the species. when the only good thing you see in yourself is just a mechanism inherent in nature cool!

5) i have a fucking normal life. i hated my job - well i dont work there anymore. i was lonely - well i have a boyfriend now. then why am i still so fucking miserable?

god, i wish i had a stroke ringt now. or a cancer. or something else

I so relate to the feeling of being mediocre. I feel like we see others who are "extraordinary" in one thing and we compare ourselves to them, even tho they have tons more weaknesses in areas, where we are a lot better. Maybe you are just an all rounder. I always wondered if the stress we put on ourselves makes us less concentrated and afraid of failing, so I tried doing something I don't care about being amazing at. And It does actually helps a lot. I don't feel pressure when cooking, so i try to experiment there and it's going a lot better than expected.

And you surviving 5 years in Uni is something a lot cant achieve, you can be proud of that because you tried your best :)

 

[meddle]

you may not have come here for advice but would you consider yourself to be a perfectionist? it can make us a bit neurotic, needing to be perfect and not getting close. it might make therapy a bit more useful if you are, and aware of it. don't dismiss yourself as not "worthy" of being in therapy. i have beat myself up for not knowing how to draw or know an instrument, so it is sad seeing someone else drag themselves for it too. it isnt a measure for success but i also know we are our own worst critics.

dont know if im a perfectionist, since i dont expect my works to be perfect. i just want them to be ok, normal, not really bad
we are our worst critics indeed. but what is a measure of success then, if not this? i would say that a measure of success is something, what we consider it to be. for someone its career or money, for someone its happy family, for someone its their works...

 

[meddle]

I so relate to the feeling of being mediocre. I feel like we see others who are "extraordinary" in one thing and we compare ourselves to them, even tho they have tons more weaknesses in areas, where we are a lot better. Maybe you are just an all rounder. I always wondered if the stress we put on ourselves makes us less concentrated and afraid of failing, so I tried doing something I don't care about being amazing at. And It does actually helps a lot. I don't feel pressure when cooking, so i try to experiment there and it's going a lot better than expected.

And you surviving 5 years in Uni is something a lot cant achieve, you can be proud of that because you tried your best :)

yes... we are our worst critics. we see successes of others and judge ourselfes by them... forgetting that all people have different abilities. we expect us to be as good as other succsessful others, but we dont see that even successful others have their weaknesses

thanks! although i dont see my university degree as my achievement, because... well, its only a diploma, only a sheet of paper. but thanks anyway!