I'm Back After Drinking SN

[stevieu]

I'm finally home after my wild gamble. I'm going to detail how things played out and if anyone wants to ask me questions about it feel free to do it here. I suggest you do it here instead of PMing me so other people don't ask the same questions over and over. Anyways here's how things played out:

After making my thread and going to sleep to fast I woke up on time. After waking up I ate two tylenol and then 30 minutes later I ate one tums. 30 minutes after that I said my supposedly possibly final words then poured and drank my SN. Not an exact time frame as it took me about 10 minutes to pour it and get to drinking it finally. It tasted like pool water. I mean like if you have ever accidentally got pool water in your mouth it's like swallowing multiple swallows of that. It was awful, like insanely bad. The taste still haunts me so yeah. Pinching my nose helped me get it down though so for anyone having trouble with the taste try that I guess. A few seconds later after drinking it my stomach started to hurt like hell. It was as if I dropped a hot coal into my stomach and it was just there and there was nothing I could do it about it. Oddly enough I waited while doubling over in pain and talking to @Jean4 and @Kirbster and kept thinking I'll throw it up I'll throw it up then I'll drink more if I have to. I did not throw up. I didn't throw up, instead I got extremely dizzy. I then panicked because I realized I'm clearly not ready yet(thanks Kirbster) and decided to call 911 while dizzy. I told them where I live and they picked me up and took my SN away with them. I told them what it was what I had drinken said I had tried to kill myself over the phone and in person confirmed what I said and then while they were taking me away in the ambulance I promptly passed out.

It was nothing. It was pure pitch black nothingness. The closest thing to oblivion a complete black out with no thoughts or feelings. It's as if time had stopped yet I hadn't realized it anyway. I felt nothing, I thought nothing, it was actually fairly peaceful. Then I woke up clearly in the ICU surrounded by my family who kept batting away my hand as I tried to reach for the mask that had tubes going down my throat. Being in the ICU was horrible not gonna lie. Luckily I soon after got a room and was able to think things through properly and say I need help/want help to the psychiatrist assigned to me. I told them all about my gamble(I in fact had to repeat this countless times) I admitted to buying SN before as a back up plan in case everything goes to hell, a last resort if you will. Luckily they believed me as I was telling the truth and thought hiding things would just overly complicate the help I needed. I was in the hospital for about 5 days then I was moved to a psychiatric hospital/ward whatever you get it. I was brought at night so it was actually hell. There was nothing to do, there was one tv and it was off and I had two roommates that were already asleep and one of them snored so loud I thought he was going to rob me of all possible sleep. Luckily after that hellish nightmare everything was fine. I made some friends, got some medication, and while I was bored I was still in an infinitely better spot compared to before. It's amazing what a little medication and time away from everything can do for someone who has never bothered to even try in the past.

Anyway all that to say I'm much better now. I don't plan to ctb in the forseeable future and hopefully ever if I can keep feeling at least fine. I thought for sure after telling two different people I was dialing 911 everyone would know I made it. My phone was actually right next to me when I did it so yeah that worked out. Here's the funny parts though. I admitted to multiple people I should have just checked myself into a psych ward to save myself some time and trouble and get this, my meto arrived 3 days after I did it. 3 days! What the heck, it was nowhere near where I live last I checked. I got completely screwed over in that regard and missed the package so they put a pink slip despite leaving everything else at my door in the past. Here's the other funny bit, no one was going to come home. Everyone didn't realize or know I was suicidal and didn't expect it. Had I not called 911 on myself I would be dead. 10 more minutes and I would have been toast. I was very dizzy when the ambulance arrived so I would have just passed out despite the pain no problem left alone. At least things worked out in the end. My gamble was successful but I don't plan on doing that ever again. Next time I'll just ask for help the normal way. Or more like, everyone knows I need help now so hopefully the chance doesn't feel the need to present itself and I continue to not think suicidal thoughts as I have been lately. While I am a bit disappointed there are people I won't be able to see for a while yet I'm still content with the fact that I'm alive right now and don't intend to let things in my life stay the same as they were before I made my attempt.

If you have any questions for me like I said please ask them here as a PM is just going to lead to more of the same PMs.

Thanks for your honesty and your detailed account of what you experienced. That takes courage in itself.

Good luck!

 

[Ghost2211]

Man I go take a nap and this post takes a weird turn. Sorry to see you got harassed like that OP <3

paranoia is a very sad demon to have. It's probably one of the worst to be honest since people that suffer from it can't trust or rely on anything.

 

[Jean4]

Man I go take a nap and this post takes a weird turn. Sorry to see you got harassed like that OP <3

paranoia is a very sad demon to have. It's probably one of the worst to be honest since people that suffer from it can't trust or rely on anything.

So it's your fault. You need my insomnia

 

[Emily_Numb]

To add to that of course it's poison so I haven't really felt that before but it was still way worse than I had thought it would be. If I had mentally prepared myself it probably wouldn't have been as bad.

Thank you so much for your story and coming out the other end. I'm pleased you were able to get in contact with 911 in time to save your life.
I have a question about what happens with a failed or aborted SN attempt. What do they do in ER to get it out of your system quickly enough?

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

I don't know you well but I am so glad you have found yourself on the path to recovery. Sending you lots of love and luck

 

[MysticPerception]

Thank you so much for your story and coming out the other end. I'm pleased you were able to get in contact with 911 in time to save your life.
I have a question about what happens with a failed or aborted SN attempt. What do they do in ER to get it out of your system quickly enough?

Pretty straightforward they just force a bunch of oxygen into your body to make up for the lost oxygen and drain your body of the SN. Now I'm no a scientist or a doctor so I could be completely wrong that's just what I think happened to me since I was told my oxygen levels were super low so that's why I had to wear the face mask that made me want to die because it was just tubes right down my throat.

 

[Ghost2211]

So it's your fault. You need my insomnia

Try snuggling with my 2 year old. It knocks me right out.

 

[BooGirl]

Although, even with all the pain, it's still not really any worse than the stomach pains that put me in the emergency room a while back, or appendicitis. It doesn't really scare me so much. So I guess I'm not scared. Just spitballing, haha

 

[Busdriver]

So sad that you wrote a goodbye-thread and then survived .

Luckily you don't regret it and are not planning CTB on short notice again, indicating you are a strong person. You should indeed be given a medal

 

[k75]

Pretty straightforward they just force a bunch of oxygen into your body to make up for the lost oxygen and drain your body of the SN. Now I'm no a scientist or a doctor so I could be completely wrong that's just what I think happened to me since I was told my oxygen levels were super low so that's why I had to wear the face mask that made me want to die because it was just tubes right down my throat.

They probably gave you methylene blue. That's what reverses SN.

 

[Loner]

I am so happy that you are alright now. What made you call 911? The unbearable stomach pain?

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

If you have any questions for me like I said please ask them here as a PM is just going to lead to more of the same PMs.

Well, I am sure glad you are okay now. It is good to know this method really is reversible if you call for help soon enough. This account further confirms what I have been criticized about. I would hardly call a burning coal in your stomach peaceful, and again I say Exit International has been very reckless with the promotion of this method. I am truly sorry you suffered that, i suspect everyone that goes via SN suffers, it's just a matter if you can wait out the pain. I am also sorry you had to endure the ICU experience. I am glad you are okay now and feeling better.

May I ask. At anytime did you feel like you were suffocating? I have some concerns on SN also interfering with the ability to expel CO 2 from the body properly. Or was it just intense pain, dizzy, then nothing?

 

[MysticPerception]

I am so happy that you are alright now. What made you call 911? The unbearable stomach pain?

I realized I'm clearly not ready to die so that's why I called them. The pain just helped that along.

Well, I am sure glad you are okay now. It is good to know this method really is reversible if you call for help soon enough. This account further confirms what I have been criticized about. I would hardly call a burning coal in your stomach peaceful, and again I say Exit International has been very reckless with the promotion of this method. I am truly sorry you suffered that, i suspect everyone that goes via SN suffers, it's just a matter if you can wait out the pain. I am also sorry you had to endure the ICU experience. I am glad you are okay now and feeling better.

May I ask. At anytime did you feel like you were suffocating? I have some concerns on SN also interfering with the ability to expel CO 2 from the body properly. Or was it just intense pain, dizzy, then nothing?

Just pain dizzy and nothing like you said. Breathing was normal though maybe the lack of oxygen is what made me instantly dizzy.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

I realized I'm clearly not ready to die so that's why I called them. The pain just helped that along.


Just pain dizzy and nothing like you said. Breathing was normal though maybe the lack of oxygen is what made me instantly dizzy.

Good to know. Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

[Lethe]

The account of pain is really odd, I've read several SN goodbye threads on here and they don't describe any pain, just 'mild burning sensation'. Though everyone's bodies are different I guess. Regardless, I've endured several hours of very intense gallbladder attack pain, so I'm sure I could cope if I had to. Thanks for your account.

Tbh, I feel it's one of the major factors. I was healthy once, whereas now it's like there's a shroud around me. One member once described it as sitting behind one's eyes and I agree. It's like living from inside a fish tank. My entire perception has changed. Don't know if it can be fixed, I never got it sorted. But I have heard it's apparently a reaction by the mind to dissociate itself with trauma or immense sorrow. I don't know, just know that it's not normal. So, all the best.

Ah yes, I deal with dissociation whenever I have to leave the house. Very well-described.

 

[ghostspace]

It's amazing what a little medication and time away from everything can do for someone who has never bothered to even try in the past.

I am so relieved you're okay and so proud of you for listening to your friends and instincts and getting help. I hope things continue to get better in your life. Thank you for sharing your experience, I think just reading through it might make some of us realize we're not ready yet, either, or alternatively, that we are.

After all, the last thing I'd want for anyone here is to CTB and then realize they don't want to be on it. It seems like you hopped off just in time. Take such good care of yourself ♡

 

[littlelady774]

The account of pain is really odd, I've read several SN goodbye threads on here and they don't describe any pain, just 'mild burning sensation'. Though everyone's bodies are different I guess.

I'm guessing there was stomach pain because no antacid was taken. Stomach acid may have been increasing in reaction with the salt

 

[Rdc]

Ah good point I forgot to mention that in the OP. I had no anti-emetic so I took none. Just tylenol and tums. That's it. Didn't throw up either which was really strange and surprising to me. Whoops forgot to add that it was stat dose obviously. 7 hours of fasting then tylenol then 30 minutes later tums then 30 minutes after that the SN. So 8 hours of fasting overall.

Not the worst stomach pain I've ever had but also nothing like I've ever felt before. It's strange, I can't really describe it over than heavy and burning because that's what it was. It was like an intense burning that was attacking my intestines. Throat and head were fine though so at least there's that. If one wanted to ignore the pain to die it's perfectly reasonable to do that. It's not painless but it's still not even close to the worst.

Do you know how long it took for you to lose consciousness after drinking the SN? Other than the stomach pain and dizziness did you have any other symptoms like headache or rapid heart beat? Thanks for the info and I hope you are feeling better.

 

[ViroMajor]

Sorry you had to put yourself to the test this way. Guess that sometimes that's what it takes to distinguish the highs from the lows.

Are you able to assess approximately how long it took before the blackout ? cause from your storytelling, you had time to chat, then phone call, then wait for the ambulance. It looks like we're far away from the 12 minutes "target" to lose consciousness, while you did not puke neither underdosed, curiously

All your posts I read were highly empathic towards others, showing the guenine heart of a carer, therefore I can only wish you a warm recovery !

 

[voyager]

Ah yes, I deal with dissociation whenever I have to leave the house. Very well-described.

Know what you mean, guess we're talking about social anxiety, have it too. It's definitely worse on the outside. I've gotten used to it, but have come to dissociate myself so much on the outside to control the anxiety that at times it's like seeing myself in third person. Thoughts like "can't believe I just said that" cross my mind. The worst though was when it all began, felt like this world wasn't real anymore. Told this a psychiatrist at an evaluation, asking me if I had any sort of hallucinations. Afterwards though I realised that I'd never actually believed the world and people were fake. What really happened was a personality shift due to the illness and thus a new perception of the world.

 

[MysticPerception]

Do you know how long it took for you to lose consciousness after drinking the SN? Other than the stomach pain and dizziness did you have any other symptoms like headache or rapid heart beat? Thanks for the info and I hope you are feeling better.

No fast heartbeat I noticed and no headache at all. Probably took around 20 minutes as far as I could tell.

Sorry you had to put yourself to the test this way. Guess that sometimes that's what it takes to distinguish the highs from the lows.

Are you able to assess approximately how long it took before the blackout ? cause from your storytelling, you had time to chat, then phone call, then wait for the ambulance. It looks like we're far away from the 12 minutes "target" to lose consciousness, while you did not puke neither underdosed, curiously

All your posts I read were highly empathic towards others, showing the guenine heart of a carer, therefore I can only wish you a warm recovery !

As I've mentioned multiple times probably 20 minutes. Can't really say it was any longer than that. I only made a few quick posts then called 911 because the pain was too much to bear then the ambulance arrived very soon afterwards and I passed out soon after they loaded me into it.

 

[Emily_Numb]

Pretty straightforward they just force a bunch of oxygen into your body to make up for the lost oxygen and drain your body of the SN. Now I'm no a scientist or a doctor so I could be completely wrong that's just what I think happened to me since I was told my oxygen levels were super low so that's why I had to wear the face mask that made me want to die because it was just tubes right down my throat.

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I have always been curious what happens in this circumstance. I'm really pleased to hear you are feeling somewhat better and are not planning to ctb again anytime soon. Be kind to yourself during this time x

 

[Soraa]

Hello, I am new and just read this thread. Thank you for sharing your experience in detail, you are very brave and has done a lot for this community. Thank you.

 

[MoreThanAFeeling]

I just read this thread for the first time too. I have a question.. why do you want to recover after your attempt?
I have read others who failed ctb say the same...

 

[Cupcake]

I just read this thread for the first time too. I have a question.. why do you want to recover after your attempt?
I have read others who failed ctb say the same...

Thank you so very much, Mystic Perception, for such a detailed and heartfelt thread about your experience with SN. And, congrats on your path to recovery!



I don't have any questions, I just wanted to thank you very much for taking the time to post in such great detail.



SN is my method, since I'm most likely not going to get my hands on N any time soon, so it reassures me that it was, for the most part, peaceful.



Stomach pain is the pits, I know, and I'm not trying to downplay the pain you felt, but I'd much rather take severe stomach pain than feelings of suffocation, which, thankfully, you didn't experience. I had this nagging fear that I might feel like I was suffocating, but I feel reassured from your thread, so thank you for that.



I've gone through two natural home births, so I think I can handle some stomach pain, even if it is intense.



Anyway, please keep us updated on how your recovery is going! I am rooting for you, as are many others on here.



Cheers,



Cupcake

 

[Majin K.]

This actually makes me afraid that my CTB partner could change his mind after drinking the SN and thus royally screw me over by calling an ambulance.

 

[Rue89]

This actually makes me afraid that my CTB partner could change his mind after drinking the SN and thus royally screw me over by calling an ambulance.

Put your phones somewhere neither of you will be able to reach. If he's serious about ctb he'll agree to do that.

 

[Steamm]

do you regret calling the 911?

 

[jimbob1000]

wow thanks for sharing this with us all , so glad your getting the help

 

[Jean4]

wow thanks for sharing this with us all , so glad your getting the help

She's doing great! :)