I'm Back After Drinking SN

[Polly]

you've probably already answered this before but I'm lazy and don't feel like searching.. did you take anything with the SN or did you drink it plain? did you throw it up at all or were you able to keep it down? sorry if this was already answered.. SN is just my preferred method and having your feedback helps a bunch

Please do your own research.

 

[devil]

Please do your own research.

no thanks

 

[BlueWidow]

Mystic,

I'm so happy you're back. Sorry it took me so long to answer this thread, but I've been trying to rest today. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I'm so happy that you're doing better and that you're going to try to recover. I'm behind you 100%! Hugs

 

[MysticPerception]

You realized it wasn't your time and I'm glad you were saved. I was interested in trying this method myself but don't want to end up in urgent care in case I'm saved. You said you were kept in the hospital for 5 days, was the length of the stay mandatory to flush everything out or were you kept for mental health reasons? Sorry if that's a stupid question.

Nah that's not a stupid question at all. I left out a few specifics since I thought they didn't really matter. I was medically cleared after the first two days but they kept me anyway since I was baker acted and they wanted to make sure I was transferred to a psych ward instead of just going home untreated mentally.

you've probably already answered this before but I'm lazy and don't feel like searching.. did you take anything with the SN or did you drink it plain? did you throw it up at all or were you able to keep it down? sorry if this was already answered.. SN is just my preferred method and having your feedback helps a bunch

Just with some water. 50ml of water and a tablespoon of SN. Only other things I ingested were tylenol and tums. That's it. I didn't throw up at all for some reason. I just kept it down no problem and felt no urge to throw up. Which made my SI kick into maximum overdrive for fear because it knew I was going to die 100%.

I think you're a very brave person to make yourself go through this ordeal. I don't think i could have done the same leaving the possibility of surviving. Going through this the universe could have cancelled out all your bad karma and from now on you'll have a better life. Its already a miracle you came through this without any severe impairments like brain damage.

I just noticed something reading your other thread though, if you don't mind me asking... you said you prepared three cups of SN. Did they all have 20gm in them or was the dose seperated? From reading your posts it seems like you drank one cup. Maybe I misread something. Its really strange how you didn't vomit either. For the people who do intend to leave for good, maybe stat dosing has a bigger failure rate and should be avoided?

I did have three cups. Each had 50ml of water and a tablespoon of SN. I actually came home earlier to find the other two cups intact untouched. I told my mother they should search my room next time since the cat could have climbed up and died from drinking them. Luckily I placed them in a spot with that in mind so that only a person should be able to access them. It only took one cup though and didn't throw up for some reason. Stat dosing would have killed me so it's more like maybe it should be recommended more. I would have died had I not called 911 for sure.

 

[mrwolf]

Thanks so much OP / MP!

 

[HelensNepenthe]

Not the worst stomach pain I've ever had but also nothing like I've ever felt before. It's strange, I can't really describe it over than heavy and burning because that's what it was. It was like an intense burning that was attacking my intestines. Throat and head were fine though so at least there's that. If one wanted to ignore the pain to die it's perfectly reasonable to do that. It's not painless but it's still not even close to the worst.

Would you describe the pain on a scale of 1 being the least amount of pain to 10 being the worst excruciating pain ever? Pain is subjective and these numbers don't exactly mean too much if anything, yet it would be interesting to see where you were at pain wise.

 

[MysticPerception]

Would you describe the pain on a scale of 1 being the least amount of pain to 10 being the worst excruciating pain ever?

On that scale I would have to give it a 5. It was infinitely more than I expected but if you told me I had to wait 10 more minutes and it's all done that would be fine and I would have just taken it as it was. It didn't hurt the most until after about 5 minutes of drinking it. At first it was nothing then the pain began. It's very strange how I've never felt a stomach pain like that before yet I've felt so many different kinds in the past due to my stomach being so picky and terrible and my diet being limited because of it.

To add to that of course it's poison so I haven't really felt that before but it was still way worse than I had thought it would be. If I had mentally prepared myself it probably wouldn't have been as bad.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I'm glad you're OK. Idk if it was asked earlier but do you think you're gonna be OK or is ctb still on your mind?

 

[MysticPerception]

I'm glad you're OK. Idk if it was asked earlier but do you think you're gonna be OK or is ctb still on your mind?

I'm alright now, at least I think so anyway. I'm hoping the medication will do as it says as right now I'm not thinking about ctb at all. That might just be from the relief of making a real attempt in the first place though so we'll see. Either way I intend to get rid of one of my major stressors in life so that should help to some extent.

 

[one4all]

Either way I intend to get rid of one of my major stressors in life so that should help to some extent.

If i may ask.. What is that stressors?

 

[MysticPerception]

If i may ask.. What is that stressors?

My job. It changed things up every few months and continously has stressed me out for the past two years and increased my suicidal thoughts and pushed my ideation into a clear plan. It's a strange catch 22 where I love my coworkers and two of my best friends are from my job but I absolutely hate the job itself and the constant stupid changes that make no sense as I'm told to do something wrongly that doesn't actually help anything over and over. It really is part of what drove me to ctb in the first place. With that out of my life hopefully I can find a job that isn't a circus shitshow in comparison.

 

[TheLastHumanRight]

How well have your family taken your ctb attempt?

Sorry if it's too intrusive of a question.

 

[one4all]

My job. It changed things up every few months and continously has stressed me out for the past two years and increased my suicidal thoughts and pushed my ideation into a clear plan. It's a strange catch 22 where I love my coworkers and two of my best friends are from my job but I absolutely hate the job itself and the constant stupid changes that make no sense as I'm told to do something wrongly that doesn't actually help anything over and over. It really is part of what drove me to ctb in the first place. With that out of my life hopefully I can find a job that isn't a circus shitshow in comparison.

I do hate to be intrusive and sorry if this was asked or stated before. How do you intend to get rid of that problem?

 

[HelensNepenthe]

On that scale I would have to give it a 5. It was infinitely more than I expected but if you told me I had to wait 10 more minutes and it's all done that would be fine and I would have just taken it as it was. It didn't hurt the most until after about 5 minutes of drinking it. At first it was nothing then the pain began. It's very strange how I've never felt a stomach pain like that before yet I've felt so many different kinds in the past due to my stomach being so picky and terrible and my diet being limited because of it.

To add to that of course it's poison so I haven't really felt that before but it was still way worse than I had thought it would be. If I had mentally prepared myself it probably wouldn't have been as bad.

Thank you for taking a couple moments out of your day to answer my question. Hopefully with a new job on the horizon, support from the family, and that trial of medication you're on you'll be still kicking back on the forum with us ~

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Partial hanging hurt a lot in my experience and it scarred me to some degree, I think

You can still be a discreet pro-lifer somehow, especially because this is the internet

I'm going to stop commenting because I don't want to be led down a rabbit hole

It would be one thing if we went back to a rosy world after trying to commit suicide but we do not

I am afraid though if I take sodium nitrite expecting a peaceful way out, and people ever follow me in that endeavor (even with the little influence my death has), but instead get an awful way off the earth

To deny people the right to a painless suicide is cruel

You could be one, too

You're just strangers on the internet talking about a controversial and much-maligned thing that people fanatically try to prevent

Really, your paranoia is barking up the wrong tree here. Let it go, please.

 

[MysticPerception]

How well have your family taken your ctb attempt?

Sorry if it's too intrusive of a question.

Oddly well. Everyone is worried about me including my friends. I keep getting calls from my family checking on me throughout the day today which is both annoying and sweet.

I do hate to be intrusive and sorry if this was asked or stated before. How do you intend to get rid of that problem?

By putting in my two weeks and getting another job. I know most people aren't in such a lucky situation where they can just do that but I can. The only reason I didn't quit before was because again my coworkers. I really didn't want to just leave them hanging even though I should have just been selfish and left while my sanity was still properly intact.

 

[foreveryoung]

I did have three cups. Each had 50ml of water and a tablespoon of SN. I actually came home earlier to find the other two cups intact untouched. I told my mother they should search my room next time since the cat could have climbed up and died from drinking them. Luckily I placed them in a spot with that in mind so that only a person should be able to access them. It only took one cup though and didn't throw up for some reason. Stat dosing would have killed me so it's more like maybe it should be recommended more. I would have died had I not called 911 for sure.

so you drank all three cups which is approximately 51 gms of SN (given that one table spoon is about 17g)? Yikes, i think you took way more than the average body could handle. Who would search your room? Is this something that usually happens, or did you mean after you went to the hospital? Sorry I need to ask these questions because i think others too want to know because SN is the only way of getting out for a lot of us. Nonetheless, you are braver than most of us, having to go through the pain and experience through ICU. You should be given a medal. Maybe you have some advice for people like me who want to die with SN? Is it just a foolish thing to do?

 

[one4all]

didn't quit before was because again my coworkers. I really didn't want to just leave them hanging even though I should have just been selfish and left while my sanity was still properly intact.

I can relate to that!
Selfish is a term i really don't like using. Everyone has their own thoughts behind it. Obviously you had your thoughts behind it.

 

[MysticPerception]

so you drank all three cups which is approximately 51 gms of SN (given that one table spoon is about 17g)? Yikes, i think you took way more than the average body could handle. Who would search your room? Is this something that usually happens, or did you mean after you went to the hospital? Sorry I need to ask these questions because i think others too want to know because SN is the only way of getting out. Nonetheless, you are braver than most of us, having to go through the pain and experience through ICU. You should be given a medal. Maybe you have some advice for people like me who want to die with SN? Is it just a foolish thing to do?

I think you misinterpreted what I said lol. I only drank one cup and that was enough because I didn't throw up. I didn't even bother with the other two and they were still in my room when I came back. You're right that no one would search my room unless the ambulance didn't find my SN which I just left lying out like an idiot(that served me well later actually) so yeah. As for it being foolish I would say no not really. It's still the best method next to N and F. Still the easiest to get compared to those two as well. 20 minutes of stomach pain then you're out cold. I don't know if the pain was bothering me as much in the last 6 or so minutes since I was surrounded by people but I can't say I remember properly. I just know it hurt more than I expected but if I had known I was just going to pass out and that's it I might have stopped myself from calling.

 

[LonelyCat]

This is more a personal scale but 8 for me probably 6-7 for most other people. Maybe even less I'm not sure. My stomach gets into a knot when I'm stressed out and my stomach is very sensitive(not when it comes to throwing up but any pain really) so it was probably worse for me than most people. I'm definitely sticking around SS for sure. This is my home away from home. They would have to tear me away from here with force if they wanted me to stop being around the people I know and love. Even if some of you do disappear in the coming year I still want to be here when they go.

As for the feelings...Definitely fear and pride while pouring the SN. Didn't think I would even have the courage to do that with the way my body was shaking before hand. After pouring it, an odd feeling of melancholy mixed with happiness. I knew things were about to change since pouring the SN means I'm not all talk that's for sure. After drinking it, mostly just disgust. Disgust with myself, disgust with the taste, and then pain. Lots of pain and regret and definitely some anger mixed in near the end as you know how pissed I was when I went to go call 911 I didn't hide it from you lol. To Jean it probably just looked like I was whining about the pain then backed out but you know I was battling myself even up until the last second when I did call. My feelings when calling were definitely regret mixed with fear. I regretted calling but knew I was probably doing the right thing but then I was fearful they wouldn't arrive in time(impossible I know but my mind was not in a good state obviously). So yeah that's pretty much about it. I'd say I was a tad disappointed when I woke up but mostly confused because of the mask. After that I was like well dang guess I'm getting help I lost fair and square time to follow up on my promise to myself. I originally thought I would cry when I woke up but I wasn't really sad about it so much as accepting of the reality since you know I'm the one who called 911 lol.

Wow. Thank you for your OP and replies. Your description of the feelings you had prior, during and after are powerful. I can certainly relate to all of this. And I appreciate your humbleness and vulnerability in sharing your experience. I am in the process of planning Ctb via SN, and spending a lot of time in making sure it's done correctly and also finalizing some of my responsibilities for those left behind. However, I will say I'm not sure I am 100% in. I go back and forth. Well, I'm probably mostly 100% with brief moments of 90% (ha). Depression and anxiety is something I have struggled with since I can remember, going on 20 years now. And it's made me a sub-optimal human being. I truly believe (after all this time) that ctb is the right thing to do. Yet, battle with that feeling or belief that somehow that makes me weak or selfish. Idk if that's true or just what our society has taught us.
Anyway, thank you again. And I am glad you are okay and have such a strong/positive message to share.

 

[Soul]

Just wanted to note that a couple of people are using "stat dose" as if it refers to SN. What it refers to is the anti-emetic. One either follows the 48 hour regimen (a dose of anti-emetic every 8 hours) or takes a stat dose (a larger one-time dose). Please let's not confuse these things. SN is to be taken in one dose, not sipped or spread out over time.

@MysticPerception, I'm glad you feel you've found a right path for yourself. The healthcare system doesn't fail everyone, apparently! What medications are you on now?

 

[one4all]

I didn't even bother with the other two and they were still in my room when I came back. You're right that no one would search my room unless the ambulance didn't find my SN which I just left lying out like an idiot(that served me well later actually)

I'm confused. There were where still two cups of SN in your room when you returned? But no one found either those or the SN you left lying around?

 

[MysticPerception]

Just wanted to note that a couple of people are using "stat dose" as if it refers to SN. What it refers to is the anti-emetic. One either follows the 48 hour regimen (a dose of anti-emetic every 8 hours) or takes a stat dose (a larger one-time dose). Please let's not confuse these things. SN is to be taken in one dose, not sipped or spread out over time.

@MysticPerception, I'm glad you feel you've found a right path for yourself. The healthcare system doesn't fail everyone, apparently! What medications are you on now?

Just lexipro at the moment. They said if that didn't work they'll try something else. Though I also take melatonin to sleep that doesn't even require a prescription luckily even though I had to ask the doctor for it when I was stuck in the psych ward.

I'm confused. There were where still two cups of SN in your room when you returned? But no one found either those or the SN you left lying around?

Yep two cups of water and SN that just sat in my room for a week straight. Can you believe it? I just poured them out. First of all the taste is awful second of all I'm good and third they are too diluted at this point for it to matter anyway. They did take my SN away though. The ambulance guys found it instantly and showed it to me when I was in the ambulance a little bit before I passed out.

 

[voyager]

Very much glad you're okay, MP. Tbh, suspected you weren't ready. Wrote out a lenghty reply but just missed you. You sound back on track, so most of it is irrelevant now, but maybe the third part is still meaningful to you in some way.

Spoiler: hope you find peace

Sorry for rambling, just want to address one more thing from your op. You mentioned displacement or dissociation, and to me that is at the very heart of the illness. Healthy people do not feel that way, and it's probably one, if not the worst feeling of all. The best memories I have of life are not about consumerism or some other shit, but actually being a part of this world. Taking it all in. So when you talk about enjoying life I do feel there is meaning in that, but it's not surprising that those of us who suffer from the above don't experience it that way. It's impossible, a contradiction, something which simply cannot coexist. Yes, society is shit, as is wage slaving, globalisation, corruption, hypocrites (cough), but when you're at peace with yourself none of that nearly matters as much.

 

[one4all]

Yep two cups of water and SN that just sat in my room for a week straight. Can you believe it? I just poured them out. First of all the taste is awful second of all I'm good and third they are too diluted at this point for it to matter anyway.

No i can't believe it. I would figure after they found out with method you used they would have jacked that place to make sure there was no more around, or use it for some kind of evidence.

 

[MysticPerception]

Very much glad you're okay, MP. Tbh, suspected you weren't ready. Wrote out a lenghty reply but just missed you. You sound back on track, so most of it is irrelevant now, but maybe the third part is still meaningful to you in some way.

Spoiler: hope you find peace

Sorry for rambling, just want to address one more thing from your op. You mentioned displacement or dissociation, and to me that is at the very heart of the illness. Healthy people do not feel that way, and it's probably one, if not the worst feeling of all. The best memories I have of life are not about consumerism or some other shit, but actually being a part of this world. Taking it all in. So when you talk about enjoying life I do feel there is meaning in that, but it's not surprising that those of us who suffer from the above don't experience it that way. It's impossible, a contradiction, something which simply cannot coexist. Yes, society is shit, as is wage slaving, globalisation, corruption, hypocrites (cough), but when you're at peace with yourself none of that nearly matters as much.

Never thought of displacement as a mental illness. Though I haven't spoken with someone yet that I felt willing to share that with them so even if I have something I won't know until later if I do spill the beans.

No i can't believe it. I would figure after they found out with method you used they would have jacked that place to make sure there was no more around, or use it for some kind of evidence.

Yeah neither could I which is why I told my mother to tell them to search the room next time. It's insane how little they cared to bother checking.

 

[one4all]

Yeah neither could I which is why I told my mother to tell them to search the room next time. It's insane how little they cared to bother checking.

Could be they were more concerned with taking care of you first

 

[voyager]

Never thought of displacement as a mental illness. Though I haven't spoken with someone yet that I felt willing to share that with them so even if I have something I won't know until later if I do spill the beans.

Tbh, I feel it's one of the major factors. I was healthy once, whereas now it's like there's a shroud around me. One member once described it as sitting behind one's eyes and I agree. It's like living from inside a fish tank. My entire perception has changed. Don't know if it can be fixed, I never got it sorted. But I have heard it's apparently a reaction by the mind to dissociate itself with trauma or immense sorrow. I don't know, just know that it's not normal. So, all the best.

 

[Holacanthus]

We haven't interacted at all, but I just wanted to drop a note saying I'm glad you're okay. I remember your goodbye thread at the time and it didn't seem like you would be. It was saddening. The fact that you're making positive changes and looking to the future is the best development possible. I'm sorry you went through all that!

 

[BlueWidow]

My job. It changed things up every few months and continously has stressed me out for the past two years and increased my suicidal thoughts and pushed my ideation into a clear plan. It's a strange catch 22 where I love my coworkers and two of my best friends are from my job but I absolutely hate the job itself and the constant stupid changes that make no sense as I'm told to do something wrongly that doesn't actually help anything over and over. It really is part of what drove me to ctb in the first place. With that out of my life hopefully I can find a job that isn't a circus shitshow in comparison.

I'm so glad to hear that. I was going to ask about your job, but I wasn't sure if it was too early or not. I remember how much stress it was putting on you.

I hope you have a little bit of time to rest and recuperate before you have to find another job. You need to regain your strength.