"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[HighFlight]

Hello @MentalFuneral - Welcome to the thread. I'm sorry for all you are going through, but am glad to see you're exploring options before choosing your path.

First, you always have options; you've already made a choice - you decided to give life a chance. CTB can wait. Now's the harder part...

It sounds like you're in a tough situation without an irl support network. I would recommend that you look through the Recovery Resources on this site, as well as looking for local resources in your location. Where I am, there are a few groups that could help. (They won't help me. I'm too old.)

If you feel comfortable and safe, please share some additional details. What is your current situation (at school, working etc)? Age? What are you good at, and what are you learning to get a job survival job.

If you don't feel comfortable sharing publicly, you are welcome to dm me.

Regardless of your choices, I truly hope that you can find some peace.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome @MentalFuneral

 

[username90493486]

@MentalFuneral welcome. I'm incredibly sorry of this situation. I used to be in that same place, many years ago. All of it. The neglect, the doing what I hated, the having no escape... It was the worst thing I've felt by far and it isn't even close. So I perfectly understand what you're going through.

Are you comfortable sharing what you pursue or more about your situation? The way I got out of it was realizing I didn't have to do a career I hate to survive, there are more ways.

Save and make a plan, try to get your own place. It was impossible for me to have any stability while renting a place, but also living with an unimaginably bad family. And not guaranteeing my shelter was fucked up. It's very hard to be at peace if one basic needs aren't met.

 

[HighFlight]

I hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected. A couple quick updates for myself...
I've been on a ketamine regimen for the past couple months - low dose daily. It's seems to be helpful in improving my mood and lifting some of the depression. However, my therapist basically told me there wasn't anything else she could do without me be willing to make a drastic change. In short, I have to choose between

1) doing what I want and finally showing my authentic self. Do so would mist likely end up in a divorce, isolating my children and parents - basically hurting everyone left around me.

2) accept the status quo and the fact that I probably will die before being happy.

Speaking of kids, one seems to be doing really well at college (university). Fingers crossed that it continues. The other is simply stuck in a holding pattern. Too anxious to get a job or leave the house.

Anyone have any good plans for the weekend?

Peace

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I'm sorry I have not contributed, or even lurked on this thread for a while. Busy with two (now 1, soon to be 0 at end of month) summer season jobs. But also a lack of words. I have kept up my therapy sessions and keep threatening to leave but can never find the balls to actually actively say so without it being in the medium of basically a tantrum. But this has been the same for most of the 2 years I have been seeing her.
Basically I am personally either at a stalemate, not thinking, just trucking along. Or I reach a 'decision point' and can't deal with it and implode. Isolation (6+ years no social media and 1-2y away from/ghosting past irl connections) is a double edged sword - I don't feel the weight of expectation or overwhelm of multiple other opinions on top of my own but then equally I am now very out of touch with 'society' and bigger picture expectations and the thought of fitting back in just isn't an option. But then like most people I am/have been too chicken to do anything more permanent (even planning ctb) about it. But then beat myself up because I hate the idea of sitting here moaning and groaning while not actually doing anything about it. Need to just disappear but I resonate more with the recovery thread than the frantic side of SD and just wind up confused and frustrated and distract myself with yet another non-committing seasonal type entry level (usually hands-on) type job, preferably with long hours.

 

[Gangrel]

I hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected. A couple quick updates for myself...
I've been on a ketamine regimen for the past couple months - low dose daily. It's seems to be helpful in improving my mood and lifting some of the depression. However, my therapist basically told me there wasn't anything else she could do without me be willing to make a drastic change. In short, I have to choose between

1) doing what I want and finally showing my authentic self. Do so would mist likely end up in a divorce, isolating my children and parents - basically hurting everyone left around me.

2) accept the status quo and the fact that I probably will die before being happy.

Speaking of kids, one seems to be doing really well at college (university). Fingers crossed that it continues. The other is simply stuck in a holding pattern. Too anxious to get a job or leave the house.

Anyone have any good plans for the weekend?

Peace

May i ask what is your authentic self?

 

[HighFlight]

May i ask what is your authentic self?

You're more then welcome to ask. Truth be told, I don't really know any more. May be the better way to have stated it would have been "to find my authentic self."

For four decades, I've been hiding my emotions and acting detached from others. I'm tried of pretending. But I've set that expectation with others and now feel trapped.

@ConfusedClouds - welcome back!
I can relate to that feeling of needing to just disappear. I don't think my problems are going away unless I could start over fresh. But I don't feel I can do that in the remaining time I have left (ctb aside).

For several people who are or have been on this site, they have time to make a change if they choose to. Some planning and hard work, coupled with some determination... (yes, I'm making sound easier than it really is.) But for me, by the time I put in the hard work and start to see the changes, will it be too late to make a difference.

Hope everyone is doing well this weekend.

 

[Gangrel]

I'm trying to recover, i have been feeling a bit better with new medication but i have a big anxiety inside of me that it's fleeting, it always was before. The thing that most hurts me is how alone i am, i long for physical contact again coupled with finding life meaningless. I don't know what i want, i don't know who i am, i don't know what to do. Effort, takes too much.

 

[HighFlight]

I'm trying to recover, i have been feeling a bit better with new medication but i have a big anxiety inside of me that it's fleeting, it always was before.

If you feel safe sharing, what medication are you taking? Is it an antidepressant? From my experience, those often don't treat anxiety, and may be coupled with another medication to help with the anxiety.

The doctors here in the US will typically start only one new medication at a time. So maybe once your established on the one, they can look to add a second medication to help with the anxiety.

I don't know what i want, i don't know who i am, i don't know what to do.

Tell me about yourself... (if you feel comfortable.) Do you have any hobbies, interests, a career that sounds really but unattainable? What do you spend your time doing? Are you in a rural or urban area?

I ask these questions because you need to understand where you are currently to be able to determine the best path to reach your goals. Think of having a map that clearly marks where you want to be. But you have no idea where you are. The map isn't very helpful.

As far as the loneliness, it's become a major problem. People are retreating to their phones, and don't know how to behave in irl situations. (Again, another over-generalization.) Are there community centers near by? Find something your interested in an volunteer. That a in-person class. Find something that requires you to get together with other people without that being the focus.

Wishing you all the best. You're welcome to DM me if you want to talk in a less public setting.

Peace

 

[MentalFuneral]

@MentalFuneral welcome. I'm incredibly sorry of this situation. I used to be in that same place, many years ago. All of it. The neglect, the doing what I hated, the having no escape... It was the worst thing I've felt by far and it isn't even close. So I perfectly understand what you're going through.

Are you comfortable sharing what you pursue or more about your situation? The way I got out of it was realizing I didn't have to do a career I hate to survive, there are more ways.

Save and make a plan, try to get your own place. It was impossible for me to have any stability while renting a place, but also living with an unimaginably bad family. And not guaranteeing my shelter was fucked up. It's very hard to be at peace if one basic needs aren't met.

Late response as Ive been busy my apologies.

Im pursuing a STEM related career path but I am really not cut out for it at all. I am not smart at all. I am a natural born artist. Unfortunately I dont come from privilege so I couldnt attend art school or anything like that. Honestly IDK wtf to do. It seems like most careers require you to be a genius just to earn enough to survive on your own. Trying to save up enough to move out is a good idea and I would like to do that.

 

[Gangrel]

If you feel safe sharing, what medication are you taking? Is it an antidepressant? From my experience, those often don't treat anxiety, and may be coupled with another medication to help with the anxiety.

Venlafaxine 75mg and Seroquel 25mg

Tell me about yourself... (if you feel comfortable.) Do you have any hobbies, interests, a career that sounds really but unattainable? What do you spend your time doing? Are you in a rural or urban area?

I live in an isolated rural area, unfortunately my sexuality was not accepted by my family, it's an open secret that no one talks about and pretend it doesn't exist, it just adds to feeling alone and alienated. I was diagnosed with BPD and Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Currently i work as an accountant even though i dropped out and have no degree (duo to depression i barely showered when i was in college, just laid down all day and cried) it pays shitty but enough to survive. I work 45 hours a week and spend my time doing nothing much but some video games here and there and reading when i'm not exhausted from work. I thought i could engage in an accountant online course to add something to my "career", using quotations because i barely call that a career, just landed on this job and stayed.

As far as the loneliness, it's become a major problem. People are retreating to their phones, and don't know how to behave in irl situations. (Again, another over-generalization.) Are there community centers near by? Find something your interested in an volunteer. That a in-person class. Find something that requires you to get together with other people without that being the focus.

Unfortunately there isn't much close by, i do have a partner but we are long distance, we have met and it was good. As you can imagine it's not enough. The only group i found nearby was a religious one sadly.

Thank you for taking the time to answer. Wishing you all the best too.

 

[lacrimosa]

I feel good today.

I took some pills to chill, feeling completely relaxed. The best part is, I don't care which way the wind blows or what horrors lie ahead, manifested in my head, because today, I'm alive. I could dive into blissful dreams, knowing I'm at peace. The chemical imbalance is fixed, and I no longer crave salvation from a crucifix. So, I'll mix some tracks, sit back, and laugh at how my mistakes give me a fresh perspective on life.

...

But I know these feelings will fade. Soon, I'll misbehave again, standing face to face with a blade at my throat. I'm the scapegoat, brought to my knees, pleading, while the sound of laughter echoes off these chamber walls. I'll fall from grace, unable to face my savior.

 

[Not Today Satan]

I don't think I've ever interacted with this thread before but I want to limit my interactions with the forum to recovery-related topics, for the sake of my mental health.

I'm in my early-mid 20s and I'm a full time student. I work part time in healthcare and I fucking love my job. Currently, I'm sober (1 month so far) and in quasi-recovery from a chronic eating disorder. Maybe one day I'll feel ok enough to leave SS completely but for now, I'm gonna stick around. Y'all are going to be tired of me and my bullshit in no time.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I don't think I've ever interacted with this thread before but I want to limit my interactions with the forum to recovery-related topics, for the sake of my mental health.

I'm in my early-mid 20s and I'm a full time student. I work part time in healthcare and I fucking love my job. Currently, I'm sober (1 month so far) and in quasi-recovery from a chronic eating disorder. Maybe one day I'll feel ok enough to leave SS completely but for now, I'm gonna stick around. Y'all are going to be tired of me and my bullshit in no time.

I'm very happy to see you in the recovery section of this site this time around! It's also great to hear that you're 1 month sober, that's a big first step and I've heard the first period after quitting is often the most difficult.

 

[Not Today Satan]

I'm very happy to see you in the recovery section of this site this time around! It's also great to hear that you're 1 month sober, that's a big first step and I've heard the first period after quitting is often the most difficult.

The only naughty thing I've done was smoke a cigarette to calm my nerves once. I don't even go for alcoholic drinks when I'm at networking events where I can get unlimited drinks for free.

The last time I genuinely felt at peace was years ago when I was precepting at the end of EMT training. Working as an ER tech seems to give me that same feeling of calmness. I think that I'm eventually going to be somewhat ok, for real.

 

[HighFlight]

Im pursuing a STEM related career path but I am really not cut out for it at all. I am not smart at all. I am a natural born artist.

I like to refer to it as a STEAM related career path, with the A stands for artistic. There is so much art involved in technology. Maybe the STEM part seems a bit overwhelming, but maybe focus in oh how your art skill can up the game. People who design the user interface and user experience of a web site (colors, fonts, graphics, whitespace, flow, etc.) can become just as important as the words. Could you try focusing in that area?

I thought i could engage in an accountant online course to add something to my "career", using quotations because i barely call that a career, just landed on this job and stayed.

To me, a career is something you are interested in, and could see yourself spending a lifetime in that field. Whereas a Job is something you go to, perform a task, and get paid. The only real draw to the job is a paycheck.

So is accounting a career or a job? If it is a career, then taking those online courses makes sense. As well as trying to network with other accountants.

Also do you have an option to relocate to an area? That might provide more opportunities.

I took some pills to chill, feeling completely relaxed.

Welcome to the thread. Enjoy this feeling while you can. As you know, these feelings are just temporary. Out of curiosity, what did you take?

Maybe one day I'll feel ok enough to leave SS completely but for now, I'm gonna stick around. Y'all are going to be tired of me and my bullshit in no time.

Also, welcome! It's great that you feel your could leave the site. In the meantime, you're welcome to hang out with us. The thread needs some fresh perspective. All o ask is that you keep it within the rules of the site, and no attacking others. We've tried to created a safe space for people to talk about what's on their mind.

I'm very happy to see you in the recovery section of this site this time around! It's also great to hear that you're 1 month sober, that's a big first step and I've heard the first period after quitting is often the most difficult.

I couldn't agree more... and welcome as well!

As we start a new week, I wish yours may be better that the previous weeks. PEACE!

 

[username90493486]

You're more then welcome to ask. Truth be told, I don't really know any more. May be the better way to have stated it would have been "to find my authentic self."

For four decades, I've been hiding my emotions and acting detached from others. I'm tried of pretending. But I've set that expectation with others and now feel trapped.

Pls release those emotions. They're hurting you so much.

Wydm they can cause divorce? That's a major concern, but we have so little info. Regardless, you're suffering, holding emotions and stress can literally kill people, consider letting them loose at least im private.

I used to hold back a lot and it's not viable, they always find an escape, like an overflowing glass. The body can't take that much. If you don't do it, the body will do it for you. I can't hold anything back as result of those days, can't avoid jumping off my nerves over the most minor stuff.

I'm gonna stick around.

Yo the recovery crew is growing, what's up?

 

[Not Today Satan]

Yo the recovery crew is growing, what's up?

I picked up an extra shift at the ER today because I'm covering for someone. It's a day shift and I'm heading out soon.

My literal best friend on this forum left to pursue recovery after sending me a final message this morning, and I'm so happy for them. Maybe one day I'll feel ok enough to do the same. However, for now, I'm still in the trenches.

Eventually 1 month sober is going to turn into 1 year sober, 5 years, 10 years, so on. And maybe I can at least achieve quasi-recovery from my eating disorder in the long run. Hopefully the flashbacks become more infrequent as well, to the point where they stop being an obstacle to me getting through my degree at school.

I tried to CTB in August and I'm glad I didn't manage to do it because things have gotten so much better, even though I still have a long way to go if I ever want to consider myself in recovery.

 

[username90493486]

I tried to CTB in August and I'm glad I didn't manage to do it because things have gotten so much better, even though I still have a long way to go if I ever want to consider myself in recovery.

I'm happy to hear that. What happened in such a short time for this change? Did something change influenced by your attempt?

Back on that thread, you looked so nervous, like you were acting on a rush. You made basic mistakes that make me worried of what would've happened. I'm also glad you didn't do it, impulsive attempts can end very badly.

Please if (when) you recover, don't try to bash this site even if it can indeed get better. :(

 

[Gangrel]

Honestly i don't feel drawn to anything career wise, i think i just need to settle for a job that let's me live. Does anyone else feel that way?

 

[Not Today Satan]

I'm happy to hear that. What happened in such a short time for this change? Did something change influenced by your attempt?

Back on that thread, you looked so nervous, like you were acting on a rush. You made basic mistakes that make me worried of what would've happened. I'm also glad you didn't do it, impulsive attempts can end very badly.

Please if (when) you recover, don't try to bash this site even if it can indeed get better. :(

I found a job posting looking for ER techs at the teaching hospital beside the school that I got accepted to. It's within walking distance from the dorm building that I live in. I took a leap of faith and applied for the job. There were multiple rounds in the interviewing process and I was not expecting to make it through because I had the minimum qualifications (EMT license) but never worked as an EMT after training was completed. My ex purposely crashed the car during an argument shortly after I passed the licensing exam, and I was too traumatized to work at a job that required a lot of driving, so I declined every job offer I got and eventually found a different job.

I also applied for other jobs at the hospital (food service, porter, and laundry service) as well as jobs on campus (climbing instructor at the climbing gym on campus, as well as CPR/first aid instructor on campus). However, my top choice was the ER tech job. My driver's license was suspended and getting it back is going to take me a while so I could not apply for any EMT jobs even though I found plenty of job openings.

I got sober for the sake of this job and I'm so glad I took this leap of faith. I love my job so much and I'm so happy that I'm finally pursuing my passion. I'm also doing a degree that I really want to do, in applied math. Sometimes I say "fuck math" but most of the time I love math so much that I want to fuck it.

I'll never bash SS no matter what, even when I recover. I'm still alive and finally found my will to live, partly because of someone I met on here (who actually left SS recently to pursue recovery). I might have to step away for the sake of my own mental health, because it might benefit me that way. However, I'm not going to bite the hand that fed me.

 

[username90493486]

I found a job posting looking for ER techs at the teaching hospital beside the school that I got accepted to. It's within walking distance from the dorm building that I live in. I took a leap of faith and applied for the job. There were multiple rounds in the interviewing process and I was not expecting to make it through because I had the minimum qualifications (EMT license) but never worked as an EMT after training was completed. My ex purposely crashed the car during an argument shortly after I passed the licensing exam, and I was too traumatized to work at a job that required a lot of driving, so I declined every job offer I got and eventually found a different job.

I also applied for other jobs at the hospital (food service, porter, and laundry service) as well as jobs on campus (climbing instructor at the climbing gym on campus, as well as CPR/first aid instructor on campus). However, my top choice was the ER tech job. My driver's license was suspended and getting it back is going to take me a while so I could not apply for any EMT jobs even though I found plenty of job openings.

I got sober for the sake of this job and I'm so glad I took this leap of faith. I love my job so much and I'm so happy that I'm finally pursuing my passion. I'm also doing a degree that I really want to do, in applied math. Sometimes I say "fuck math" but most of the time I love math so much that I want to fuck it.

I'll never bash SS no matter what, even when I recover. I'm still alive and finally found my will to live, partly because of someone I met on here (who actually left SS recently to pursue recovery). I might have to step away for the sake of my own mental health, because it might benefit me that way. However, I'm not going to bite the hand that fed me.

Those are so amazing news I'm jealous now. Don't do better than me.

BTW, you can hide Suicide Discussion for the time being.

 

[Not Today Satan]

Those are so amazing news I'm jealous now. Don't do better than me.

BTW, you can hide Suicide Discussion for the time being.

I can't believe how quickly my life just suddenly fell into place. Getting sober was the first step and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. However, it was not quite enough to change the fact that I was suicidal. Getting a job that I was passionate about was also not really enough. Neither was finally studying a degree that I really like. However, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and suddenly having all these aspects of my life in order at the same time gave me a reason to stay alive.

The fact that my friend on here, who was previously dead set on CTB, is now serious about pursuing recovery also gives me hope for the future. They had a similar upbringing to me and their mental health issues manifested in a similar way. I used to think that there was no proof that it was possible to recover and live a full life when you have severe PTSD along with other comorbidities from growing up in an abusive family. My friend said it would take a miracle for them to decide to recover instead of CTB. I suppose that means a miracle did happen. But maybe it wasn't a miracle and all along it was just how resilient people can be.

 

[mango-meridian]

First time posting in this thread. Feeling a little unsure/uncertain about how best to make use of SS. I'm definitely set on recovery for now so I have to keep that in mind but still unsure on some other things.

Obviously the Suicide Discussion forum has the most activity (which is good), but the useful/interesting information/stories are mixed in with a lot of attitudes/doom/nihilism that would probably move me away from recovery. Wish there was a way to filter/subdivide the content in some way but there really isn't. Also, the good-bye threads. Lord. I just got myself pretty emotionally tied up with one and now have no idea how much of what the OP said was even true. Makes me wary.

The recovery section is obviously better suited to my goals, but there isn't as much activity as I'd like. I guess I'd like to contribute some, so maybe I can help with that a little lol. The resources section seems good (especially the post about herbs) but once I finish reading through all that material not sure what else I'll do. Been trying to find a recovery partner (someone with similar goals) but no luck yet. I'll try and be patient I guess.

I feel like there is a lot of suspicion toward strangers here, which is warranted after learning about some of the catfishing, scamming, faking, time-wasting, and even real-life violence (in extreme cases) that's gone on over the years. But I'm wondering if the suspicion is such a big problem that it's going to prevent me from actually getting value out of being here. Like people (myself included) won't feel safe being vulnerable etc. I don't know. Just venting I guess.

 

[HighFlight]

Welcome @mango-meridian, if you're focused on recovery right now, it can be a little overwhelming. You're correct about the different forums. The Suicide Forum has the most activity, followed by offtopic (if i remember correctly). While we want to highlight the recovery section, historically, that's not why people end up on the site.

I'd recommend posting in the Recovery or Offtopic forums. Start your own thread and use it as your own log. You can you so the same thing with a profile post. While the site has a lot of resources, imo, it's greatest strength is its community. Keep working on making connections. And if you lost access to chat due to recent changes, keep posting and you'll have access again.

As far as concerns about strangers, they are valid. This is an anonymous community, so you cannot be 100% sure who your dealing with. But we really try to stop trolls and scammers from the accessing the site. I don't know the count, but we probably reject more applications than we accept. And we will respond to reports of any type of abuse quickly. In short, if you have any problems, report them as soon as possible, or reach out to the mod you feel most comfortable with.

And if you get stuck, post here or dm me and we'll try to figure out the next steps.

Wishing you and everyone else a little peace in their lives.

 

[HighFlight]

I used to hold back a lot and it's not viable, they always find an escape, like an overflowing glass. The body can't take that much.

Yes, I saw this... I wish it was that easy. You realize I've got about 30 more years than you in practicing hiding emotions. When there is a certain expectation place on you by everyone around, it becomes difficult to break out of that. I feel like my therapist is giving up.

Honestly i don't feel drawn to anything career wise, i think i just need to settle for a job that let's me live. Does anyone else feel that way?

Fuck careers... what things are you good at, and what things do you like to do. Maybe use that as a foundation for finding a path forward that is more than just surviving. And if you have to find a job to allow you to have some income in support of these other things, then do what ever you feel comfortable doing.

 

[mango-meridian]

Welcome @mango-meridian, if you're focused on recovery right now, it can be a little overwhelming. You're correct about the different forums. The Suicide Forum has the most activity, followed by offtopic (if i remember correctly). While we want to highlight the recovery section, historically, that's not why people end up on the site.

I'd recommend posting in the Recovery or Offtopic forums. Start your own thread and use it as your own log. You can you so the same thing with a profile post. While the site has a lot of resources, imo, it's greatest strength is its community. Keep working on making connections. And if you lost access to chat due to recent changes, keep posting and you'll have access again.

As far as concerns about strangers, they are valid. This is an anonymous community, so you cannot be 100% sure who your dealing with. But we really try to stop trolls and scammers from the accessing the site. I don't know the count, but we probably reject more applications than we accept. And we will respond to reports of any type of abuse quickly. In short, if you have any problems, report them as soon as possible, or reach out to the mod you feel most comfortable with.

And if you get stuck, post here or dm me and we'll try to figure out the next steps.

Wishing you and everyone else a little peace in their lives.

Thank you for the kind thoughtful response! I appreciate the advice and perspective.

It is funny that I'm here but using it primarily for recovery (for now). I guess what I really like about SaSu so far (in comparison with other online communities) is I never have to mask anything. There will be no shame as well as no panicking or freaking out if I am having CTB thoughts or if I actually want to CTB. And just about everyone here has been through wanting to CTB so there is a lot of understanding there. Hopefully I will be able to really be myself here and talk openly about what I am thinking/experiencing.

 

[Tesha]

Hello All. Nice to see the new and old names here.

I've been a little bit silent the past few weeks.. I finally checked into the trauma clinic and thought I'd spend the first few weeks focusing on me (somewhat of a novelty). It's been a bit of a roller coaster experience so far, but their approach and knowledge on trauma is outstanding. I almost feel safe. I haven't felt safe for years.

I hope this continues…

 

[Electra]

Hi everyone! I'm new here, but I'm not new to anxiety, hopelessness, gut-wrenching guilt, and many other emotions that I think connect us all here. I'm not sure if I need an introduction to join the support group, but I want to get better. It's been a rollercoaster with my improvements, and frankly, I'm not even sure where I stand right now. Sometimes I think I don't even know what I feel because I've been swallowing my emotions for so long. If you asked me how my recovery has been, I wouldn't have an answer, but I definitely know that this is not how I want to feel and react to the world around me.

 

[mango-meridian]

Hi everyone! I'm new here, but I'm not new to anxiety, hopelessness, gut-wrenching guilt, and many other emotions that I think connect us all here. I'm not sure if I need an introduction to join the support group, but I want to get better. It's been a rollercoaster with my improvements, and frankly, I'm not even sure where I stand right now. Sometimes I think I don't even know what I feel because I've been swallowing my emotions for so long. If you asked me how my recovery has been, I wouldn't have an answer, but I definitely know that this is not how I want to feel and react to the world around me.

You don't need an introduction! Hope you find support and resources here to help.