C

ConfusedClouds

Experienced
Mar 9, 2024
293
Thanks @HighFlight I am in a bit of paperwork limbo. But that's kept my brain super distracted and busy with logistics and problem solving (which is a good thing, though maybe a little OTT). Have finally started going through the local gyms for tours and maxing out all their free trial sessions before I commit to one, but means I have got the physical stuff accounted for again as well as exploring the area by foot and bike and am meeting my new manager for a tour on Tuesday (don't actually start for another 2 weeks assuming the last bits of paperwork iron out in time which they really should given the progress I've made so far)

I do have to remind myself that my sense of time is warped. Feels like months (both since arriving and until starting). But I finished my previous summer jobs on last day of Sept (a Mon), signed the new contract Fri, left my old place Sun, by fri I moved into an actual houseshare/local address and I've only been in this room just over a week. Thankfully its en suite and a large quite transient but quiet house so can stay in my room and only really acknowledge others in passing which has helped me settle a lot better. Feel like a puppy with their cage as their safe space they can go and hide in, away from everything and come out as/when things interest them or need doing!
I'm super happy with how both tattoos turned out. One of the tattoos is in an area that a lot of people consider super painful but tbh it was not that bad. However, everything is relative. I have 2 tattoos on my chest already and those were actually painful.
I'm intrigued by peoples ideas behind tattoo designs. Obviously don't reveal details/specifics. Are yours specific images/symbols/words that resonate to smaller individual parts of you. Or more something thats a bigger meaning?

I have only one but its a bigger one. A SH cover up but was just one (larger) scar so the design could incorporate it quite well. Kinda limited by the scar but the artist was amazing and built more of a 'scene' which incorporated a bunch of smaller aspects that were/are significant to me and parts of my life. Can't tell the scar is there at all now (unless you know).

Kinda wish for more, but just hesitant because I just freeze with knowing what design I actually want. The one I got ended up being out of function with the scar which meant the artist had quite a bit of free reign with me just throwing random ideas around.

Getting the 2 sessions made me go super overkill about self care - couldn't bare the thought of getting it infected or damaged or ruining the artists work. Especially after the first session when I didn't know what to expect and knew I was going back to the same artist for second session so they would see how it healed/looked.
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
576
i havent caught up all the way but im still here. missed you guys. didnt intend to drop off so long, life gets weird. hope everyone had an amazing weekend 🖤
 
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SweetItalianS

SweetItalianS

Member
Aug 11, 2024
39
I won't get detailed about my life struggles(I've had depression for many years and right now due to life circumstances I live very far from my family) but I wanted to say that I started running after witnessing a major marathon in person and now I do it consistently - running day - rest day - running day - it makes me feel much better both physically and mentally, I didn't have any suicidal thoughts for a few weeks now and it feels great. I hope that it's a start of a white line in my life.
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
576
therapy today was a lot of crying and feeling redundant
 
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HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
624
therapy today was a lot of crying and feeling redundant
But is it helping any?

For me, therapy seems to be an hour when I can go and have an adult discussion with someone on a variety of topics. My therapist is good about asking good and tough questions; most of which I don't have any answer for. But overall, I'm not sure it's helping. And now the wife wants to start couples therapy. :/
 
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Demi-Fiend

Demi-Fiend

Places We Never Went Together
Aug 12, 2024
43
Hell, I'll give this posting a shot, I have nothing to lose!

Originally joined this site with the intent of recovering, and now it seems like I'm going into a more positive direction.
I'm starting to gain acceptance from some of the emotional hurdles I've been facing lately.
The process starts with stopping the process of feeling sorry for myself and starting to see the lesson of things; same can be said with not putting my happiness out there, somewhere. For all is mind and all is attitude.
 
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C

ConfusedClouds

Experienced
Mar 9, 2024
293
Thought things were under control but now got full permission to beat myself up because I made a mess of some of the relocation paperwork. Combination of me jumping ahead and trying to be efficient and smart for the future, but then missing/messing up a step that has royally screwed me. But also the mismatch between timings of things. Need patience to wait for some stuff to be sorted/come through in the post. But just can't seemingly deal with patience. Made worse by the fact some stuff can be researched and actioned online 24/7 and gets processed immediately. Which then stitched me up when I realised I should have waited for postal paperwork to come through (could be tomorrow, could be weeks), but now I've done the online steps, they can't be undone.

This restarts my typical spiralling of getting annoyed with myself and the situation. But making it even worse for myself because I objectively know this is such small/insignificant/fixable stuff that is totally irrelevant in the grand scheme of the world, yet there I am beating myself up over it. And then I'm fully caught up in beating myself up over beating myself up over nothing. Which can't be explained to external parties without them focussing on the original 'objective' problem, which I have moved past. Urgh.

In some ways I wish I had started work already so that all this 'sorting out' admin was limited and controlled around office hours with plenty of valid distractions. Rather than giving me 'permission' to sit in bed all day refreshing emails and waiting and also scrolling/researching way too much and feeling broadly crap. Sorry. Rambling again.
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
576
But is it helping any?

For me, therapy seems to be an hour when I can go and have an adult discussion with someone on a variety of topics. My therapist is good about asking good and tough questions; most of which I don't have any answer for. But overall, I'm not sure it's helping. And now the wife wants to start couples therapy. :/
the honesty and cathersis seems to help in the moment a bit, someone to cry to repeatedly does feel nice, but they generally cant tell patients what steps to take with life which is what i need more than anything so im still often left flailing in the wind feeling all alone despite her obviously rooting for me and wanting to help. therapy is a tool but i feel at times some of us are too handicapped in certain ways to use it effectively. im glad youre still around 🫂
 
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Lady Laudanum

Lady Laudanum

Pursuing recovery seriously, Godspeed
May 9, 2024
790
I'm stepping away from the forum. I promised myself last night that after I find out about the outcome for someone on here, I would log off. It could be anywhere from a short break to being permanent. No news would be good news.

I'm so grateful for all the cool peeps I've met on here, but it sucks that we met under circumstances like this. If you liked me then be happy that I'm going in the right direction with my mental health and have a gin and tonic in my honor. If you didn't like me then consider me dead to you if that makes you feel better, and have a gin and tonic to celebrate. I hope that as many as possible of you guys are able to weather the storm and eventually reach a point where life is worth living.

With that in mind, peace out (for at least the next little while).
 
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Demi-Fiend

Demi-Fiend

Places We Never Went Together
Aug 12, 2024
43
I'm stepping away from the forum. I promised myself last night that after I find out about the outcome for someone on here, I would log off. It could be anywhere from a short break to being permanent. No news would be good news.

I'm so grateful for all the cool peeps I've met on here, but it sucks that we met under circumstances like this. If you liked me then be happy that I'm going in the right direction with my mental health and have a gin and tonic in my honor. If you didn't like me then consider me dead to you if that makes you feel better, and have a gin and tonic to celebrate. I hope that as many as possible of you guys are able to weather the storm and eventually reach a point where life is worth living.

With that in mind, peace out (for at least the next little while).
Good luck, @Lady Laudanum, you've made great strides of stability and accomplishment from the few months I've been here lurking. No really, I wish you all the best with your endeavors.
 
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Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
398
@HighFlight I'm a legend? Aha thanks

Since graduating from an intensive outpatient program I've experienced an increase in cravings. I'm working on staying diligent. I don't want to relapse after 4 1/2 months of sobriety.
 
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HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
624
Hell, I'll give this posting a shot, I have nothing to lose!
Welcome to the thread. (Sound like you might have been lurking for awhile, but that's OK.) I'm glad that things are going well with your recovery.

I'm stepping away from the forum. I promised myself last night that after I find out about the outcome for someone on here, I would log off. It could be anywhere from a short break to being permanent. No news would be good news.
I wish you all the best on your journey, and hope that you can find some peace and happiness along the way. 💙

I'm a legend?
Of course you are :)

so im still often left flailing in the wind feeling all alone despite her obviously rooting for me and wanting to help
^^^ So relatable! I've flat out told her that I need assignments, homework, something to focus on between sessions. It never really happens. And then she told be a few weeks back that she didn't think I was able to be helped, until I make an impossible decision - abandon wife and two adult children, or accept being miserable. She not wrong. But still :/
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
576
^^^ So relatable! I've flat out told her that I need assignments, homework, something to focus on between sessions. It never really happens. And then she told be a few weeks back that she didn't think I was able to be helped, until I make an impossible decision - abandon wife and two adult children, or accept being miserable. She not wrong. But still :/
damn :/ im so sorry to hear that

i decorated my room with led strip lights i can turn any color i want and i feel cool much more comfortable at home now
 
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C

ConfusedClouds

Experienced
Mar 9, 2024
293
Weirdly chilled today. Normally drive myself insane without anything planned but have been in my room all day and not really done much, but the times I started doubting anything I had weird waves of productivity doing some odd tasks that I had already accepted with myself not doing today and added to my plans for the next couple of days.

Maybe something to do with my bike nearly being stolen yesterday and that really upsetting me. The D-lock saved it, but there was damage to the frame from them attempting to break it. Able to bodge/adjust the wheel to run a bit wonky but make it rideable. Had a big cry on the bike ride home. But I'm all or nothing with emotions so was possibly quite good to get a ton out and maybe why I'm more calm today.

Still got to be patient all this week to 'wait out' and hope various paperwork bits come through in the post and that the initial teething problems of settling in start to iron themselves out.

Ok just realised it was only 2 days ago I last posted. Feels like a week, dammit! But Fri PM I did find out my job paperwork is all sorted so I am now on the system and 100% confirmed to start, so I have a roof and a (career-type) job to start. So really can't complain about anything else!!

Apologies for the self-indulgent running commentary. Trying to use it to improve summarising things and persuading myself to see the bigger picture rather than getting caught up in over analysing and over reacting to tiny irrelevant specifics.


Edit...... That was NOT a summary in any way 🤦‍♀️😔
 
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