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I find difficult to understand other people but you're very strong for that, I am proud of youHello everyone, I hope you are well and have had a great day.
I have always wanted to commit suicide, but a few months ago I made the decision that suicide is no longer an option for me. So I'm trying my best to build a life, taking care of my responsibilities and being a good person. However sometimes I feel really bad (I guess we all have our own personal burden and we should carry it as best as we can) I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and that's why I created this account. I didn't create this account with the intention of venting exactly. But I would like to share with people who are going through similar things and are trying to live a life the best they can and support mutually.
After deciding suicide is no longer an option, I have had to face reality with the fact that I am not a woman. It has been difficult, very difficult. But I can't expect to live a life when I'm full of resentment and hatred towards myself. I never made any type of transition, neither hormonal nor social (one of the things I hated the most about myself was my personality). I respect people who decide to transition, but I always had a lot of homophobia due to my environment(and cowardice) and that's why I didn't even dare to come out of the closet. This is why a transition would never work for me. My problem isn't exactly how I look, it's that I hate the way I am. What I did all my life was completely dissociate my personality, both in public and alone. Forcing myself all the time to be another person, with another tastes and another attitudes, even anoter way of thinking. I began to feel a lot of dysphoria after my adolescence that has followed me to this day...
I came to the conclusion, because of all this, that if I was going to have a life I should learn to be happy like a man. But I couldn't continue dissociating my personality, forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I had to accept myself, accept that it's okay for me to be the way I am, even as a man. I had to forgive myself for treating myself so badly, and accept myself... And that's what I've been trying to do these last few weeks.
I have made a lot of progress and I don't feel as much dysphoria as often and my social anxiety is decreasing... although I haven't changed the way I look, but I have changed the way I treat myself. Now when I feel like doing something or saying something that I would never have allowed myself to do before, I remind myself where that attitude take me... and I allow myself to do things the way I feel I want to do (before, I didn't even allow myself to think freely, the slightest thought that crossed my mind that I considered "feminine", was reason to scold myself)
Although it have had their ups and downs, the last few weeks have been mostly positive. I'm learning to live with myself. I feel like I'll be able to stop being a mess and then I'll be able to take care of the people I love and have a life of my own... maybe then find a partner and start a family by myself(at least now I see a future... and that, honestly, makes me want to cry with joy).
Sorry for the long post, I didn't think I would have so much to write.... I read it, and it's all so confusing that I don't even understand it myself haha.
Love and strength
common, you have this, you are a strong person.
And so do you!
hi, thanksHi and welcome @Makoto
I'm sorry for your daughter, but I'm glad she has you... it helps a lot to have people who love you around to help. I wish you and her the bestAnd so do you!
Hello @Makoto, and welcome to the thread.
It's a lot to take in, and dysphoria is difficult. I'm sorry you're going through that, but in the end, it sounds like you're handling very well. My daughter is suffering from it, and as a parent, it's very difficult to watch, especially knowing there is nothing you can do to fix it. I just do my best to support her.
Wishing you all the best, and hope you will keep posting to provide updates on how you're doing, seek support, and bring that positive energy to a place where everyone needs some positivity.
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I'm sorry you're sick. Don't you have health insurance where you live? I hope you get well soon and the doc doesn't charge too much.
I don't, in my job there's no contract (because i work for my parents lolz), but that's ok I just need to save for a few days and I'll go to the doctor.I'm sorry you're sick. Don't you have health insurance where you live? I hope you get well soon and the doc doesn't charge too much.
That's super good news! Congrats on the new job! I'm glad you were lucky - finally! Good luck!!
I work 70 hours a week and I make like 15 dollars a day (My country minimun wage) and my mother always reminds me I don't do anything in her eyes but at the same time she tells me I am the fastest...
I don't know, it may be maniac depression
70h a week for 15$ a day. You don't need to reveal where you actually live but that sounds like a "3rd world country". But what I meant with advantage is - you can work in the family business that's totally different than working as just an employee in any other business. Your family most likely won't fire you!
Yeah but sadly today it was very shit, my mother told me i should share a room with my sister bf (he is 16) and i would need to move a lot of stuff and sell it, stuff i need and i didn't planned to sell so soon, ofc i was already planning to rent a place with this guy, 2 bedrooms so we could have more space and the rent wouldn't be so expensive for either of us, but he said he didn't wanted anymore and he wants to stay in our house (his mother abandoned him with us kinda) and know i have to get a place and it will fuck up my savings70h a week for 15$ a day. You don't need to reveal where you actually live but that sounds like a "3rd world country". But what I meant with advantage is - you can work in the family business that's totally different than working as just an employee in any other business. Your family most likely won't fire you!
Sounds difficult and selling own stuff if we don't want to sell it, sucks.
Emigrating isn't an easy task and I would say even 10k USD aren't that much anymore in the US.
That sucks! She should support you.
You seem to be moving forward with your life... I'm so happy for you, and the photos are incredible. I love sunset and country images
Yeah, i'd need at least a year and another job for me to keep up with my rent and everything and that would be fuckedSounds difficult and selling own stuff if we don't want to sell it, sucks.
Emigrating isn't an easy task and I would say even 10k USD aren't that much anymore in the US.
That sucks! She should support you.
I understand that you're willing to take the risk and I would say the younger you are the better you can manage this risk but always keep in mind that if your a (mental) wreck at the time you achieved your goal it's still worth nothing. I wish I could help you. I hope you can achieve your goals and everything you wish for in your life! Good luck with whatever you gonna do!
Thanks a lot, I appreciate your words, I am 19 so I guess with a new healthy diet (no more chicken and rice only lol) and add cardio exercise I will do it well, thanks a lot hope you do swell too, best of luckI understand that you're willing to take the risk and I would say the younger you are the better you can manage this risk but always keep in mind that if your a (mental) wreck at the time you achieved your goal it's still worth nothing. I wish I could help you. I hope you can achieve your goals and everything you wish for in your life! Good luck with whatever you gonna do!
You shouldn't feel pathetic, ending a 10 year relationship is very tough, and for the loop i can relate, i was in one before and i am getting out rn and the only thing i can say is that you need to keep trying, every smaller step counts because each smaller step you do will lead to a bigger step
Well, I continue to search, and spend my days between working, supporting my children with own MH issues, and keeping a dying marriage alive. Maybe that is my life's purpose, but it doesn't feel like it's enough.
