Downdraft
Alive and kicking btw
- Feb 6, 2024
- 619
You helped so many people and will continue to. Without your efforts some people would be suffering horribly. There's even more you can do.
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If you haven't yet, we highly encourage you to check out our Recovery Resources thread!
MentalFuneral
You can have it all. My empire of dirt.
- Sep 11, 2024
- 25
I was so convinced I was going to kill myself, and that it was the only option for me, for most of my life. Ive been a lurker of this forum for years before I signed up this month. I was researching SN as a method for a long time, pouring over the details and when and where I'd do it. I went to bed a few nights ago after reading a thread on this forum about a young woman who killed herself using SN, and although we can't know for sure, its pretty safe to assume she was in a lot of pain. I was awoken at 4 am with a stabbing pain in my stomach, and nausea. I tried falling back asleep, but I wasnt able to overcome it even after vomiting. Pretty sure it was something like minor food poisoning. Eventually I resorted to taking an antiemetic to calm my body down. All I could think about the entire time was how this would be what my death would be like... And I realized how horrible and sad it would be to experience my final moments like that, all alone.
I think I don't want to die yet. Not until I really have no other choice. I just don't know how to go forward from here... or how to change. I have no friends, no partner, nobody who cares about me. My family couldn't care less about me or my feelings. I cannot afford a therapist. I'm pursuing something I'm not interested in as a career, just as a means of survival. The only thing I'm good at in this life is probably one of the worst career options you can pick and a total joke. It makes me feel tremendous pain all the time. I don't feel like I belong in this world, I feel like an alien. I just don't know what meaningful action to take anymore, I'm frozen from the overwhelming pain. If anyone has any ideas I'm more than open to hearing them, I really just need some ideas or perspective at this point...
I think I don't want to die yet. Not until I really have no other choice. I just don't know how to go forward from here... or how to change. I have no friends, no partner, nobody who cares about me. My family couldn't care less about me or my feelings. I cannot afford a therapist. I'm pursuing something I'm not interested in as a career, just as a means of survival. The only thing I'm good at in this life is probably one of the worst career options you can pick and a total joke. It makes me feel tremendous pain all the time. I don't feel like I belong in this world, I feel like an alien. I just don't know what meaningful action to take anymore, I'm frozen from the overwhelming pain. If anyone has any ideas I'm more than open to hearing them, I really just need some ideas or perspective at this point...
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HighFlight
Global Mod
- Jun 28, 2023
- 602
Hello @MentalFuneral - Welcome to the thread. I'm sorry for all you are going through, but am glad to see you're exploring options before choosing your path.
First, you always have options; you've already made a choice - you decided to give life a chance. CTB can wait. Now's the harder part...
It sounds like you're in a tough situation without an irl support network. I would recommend that you look through the Recovery Resources on this site, as well as looking for local resources in your location. Where I am, there are a few groups that could help. (They won't help me. I'm too old.)
If you feel comfortable and safe, please share some additional details. What is your current situation (at school, working etc)? Age? What are you good at, and what are you learning to get a job survival job.
If you don't feel comfortable sharing publicly, you are welcome to dm me.
Regardless of your choices, I truly hope that you can find some peace.
First, you always have options; you've already made a choice - you decided to give life a chance. CTB can wait. Now's the harder part...
It sounds like you're in a tough situation without an irl support network. I would recommend that you look through the Recovery Resources on this site, as well as looking for local resources in your location. Where I am, there are a few groups that could help. (They won't help me. I'm too old.)
If you feel comfortable and safe, please share some additional details. What is your current situation (at school, working etc)? Age? What are you good at, and what are you learning to get a job survival job.
If you don't feel comfortable sharing publicly, you are welcome to dm me.
Regardless of your choices, I truly hope that you can find some peace.
Welcome @MentalFuneral
Downdraft
Alive and kicking btw
- Feb 6, 2024
- 619
@MentalFuneral welcome. I'm incredibly sorry of this situation. I used to be in that same place, many years ago. All of it. The neglect, the doing what I hated, the having no escape... It was the worst thing I've felt by far and it isn't even close. So I perfectly understand what you're going through.
Are you comfortable sharing what you pursue or more about your situation? The way I got out of it was realizing I didn't have to do a career I hate to survive, there are more ways.
Save and make a plan, try to get your own place. It was impossible for me to have any stability while renting a place, but also living with an unimaginably bad family. And not guaranteeing my shelter was fucked up. It's very hard to be at peace if one basic needs aren't met.
Are you comfortable sharing what you pursue or more about your situation? The way I got out of it was realizing I didn't have to do a career I hate to survive, there are more ways.
Save and make a plan, try to get your own place. It was impossible for me to have any stability while renting a place, but also living with an unimaginably bad family. And not guaranteeing my shelter was fucked up. It's very hard to be at peace if one basic needs aren't met.
HighFlight
Global Mod
- Jun 28, 2023
- 602
I hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected. A couple quick updates for myself...
I've been on a ketamine regimen for the past couple months - low dose daily. It's seems to be helpful in improving my mood and lifting some of the depression. However, my therapist basically told me there wasn't anything else she could do without me be willing to make a drastic change. In short, I have to choose between
1) doing what I want and finally showing my authentic self. Do so would mist likely end up in a divorce, isolating my children and parents - basically hurting everyone left around me.
2) accept the status quo and the fact that I probably will die before being happy.
Speaking of kids, one seems to be doing really well at college (university). Fingers crossed that it continues. The other is simply stuck in a holding pattern. Too anxious to get a job or leave the house.
Anyone have any good plans for the weekend?
Peace
I've been on a ketamine regimen for the past couple months - low dose daily. It's seems to be helpful in improving my mood and lifting some of the depression. However, my therapist basically told me there wasn't anything else she could do without me be willing to make a drastic change. In short, I have to choose between
1) doing what I want and finally showing my authentic self. Do so would mist likely end up in a divorce, isolating my children and parents - basically hurting everyone left around me.
2) accept the status quo and the fact that I probably will die before being happy.
Speaking of kids, one seems to be doing really well at college (university). Fingers crossed that it continues. The other is simply stuck in a holding pattern. Too anxious to get a job or leave the house.
Anyone have any good plans for the weekend?
Peace
I'm sorry I have not contributed, or even lurked on this thread for a while. Busy with two (now 1, soon to be 0 at end of month) summer season jobs. But also a lack of words. I have kept up my therapy sessions and keep threatening to leave but can never find the balls to actually actively say so without it being in the medium of basically a tantrum. But this has been the same for most of the 2 years I have been seeing her.
Basically I am personally either at a stalemate, not thinking, just trucking along. Or I reach a 'decision point' and can't deal with it and implode. Isolation (6+ years no social media and 1-2y away from/ghosting past irl connections) is a double edged sword - I don't feel the weight of expectation or overwhelm of multiple other opinions on top of my own but then equally I am now very out of touch with 'society' and bigger picture expectations and the thought of fitting back in just isn't an option. But then like most people I am/have been too chicken to do anything more permanent (even planning ctb) about it. But then beat myself up because I hate the idea of sitting here moaning and groaning while not actually doing anything about it. Need to just disappear but I resonate more with the recovery thread than the frantic side of SD and just wind up confused and frustrated and distract myself with yet another non-committing seasonal type entry level (usually hands-on) type job, preferably with long hours.
Basically I am personally either at a stalemate, not thinking, just trucking along. Or I reach a 'decision point' and can't deal with it and implode. Isolation (6+ years no social media and 1-2y away from/ghosting past irl connections) is a double edged sword - I don't feel the weight of expectation or overwhelm of multiple other opinions on top of my own but then equally I am now very out of touch with 'society' and bigger picture expectations and the thought of fitting back in just isn't an option. But then like most people I am/have been too chicken to do anything more permanent (even planning ctb) about it. But then beat myself up because I hate the idea of sitting here moaning and groaning while not actually doing anything about it. Need to just disappear but I resonate more with the recovery thread than the frantic side of SD and just wind up confused and frustrated and distract myself with yet another non-committing seasonal type entry level (usually hands-on) type job, preferably with long hours.
Gangrel
Specialist
- Jul 25, 2024
- 364
May i ask what is your authentic self?I hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected. A couple quick updates for myself...
I've been on a ketamine regimen for the past couple months - low dose daily. It's seems to be helpful in improving my mood and lifting some of the depression. However, my therapist basically told me there wasn't anything else she could do without me be willing to make a drastic change. In short, I have to choose between
1) doing what I want and finally showing my authentic self. Do so would mist likely end up in a divorce, isolating my children and parents - basically hurting everyone left around me.
2) accept the status quo and the fact that I probably will die before being happy.
Speaking of kids, one seems to be doing really well at college (university). Fingers crossed that it continues. The other is simply stuck in a holding pattern. Too anxious to get a job or leave the house.
Anyone have any good plans for the weekend?
Peace
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