I've had all the usual suspects, CBT, DBT, Schema and several years of EMDR (just triggered me more). I've also had a number of admissions; the last one went spectacularly wrong… and ended with me deliberately triggering a 5(2) detainment and MHA assessment - as I knew I would 'pass' it and had to get out.
I recently approached a specialist residential trauma clinic and despite my suicide ideation, they were ok with admitting me, if I can raise the funds…
So, in the spirit of embracing an attempt at recovery, I spoke with my NHS team today. They are going to look at funding options. I'm very fortunate that I've got a good relationship with them, and I know they will do their best for me… fingers crossed I supposed.
Two of my Discord friends were randomly suicidal on the Day of the Sun - one bullied, the other suffering from PTSD and insomnia... I don't really talk to them, but I wish I could help, sadge.
I might stop being an incel because a girl has agreed to come to me in the Ukraine - sounds like bad fan-fiction, and I'm so jaded, so I'm not holding my breath, but would be hilarious if came true. (I can't even leave my room, after all.) She's no longer as boring as at first. She's trying to accommodate me which is the opposite of my fetish^^ I need pain and suffering, but with an actual reward in sight.
I might start exercising... any moment now. Considering if that comes true, I'm not going to be killing myself in 2027, so I need to invest in (gold) (Lamborghinis) health.
I'm at 800 kanji nominally, and yesterday I spent 10 EUR to get the latest most expensive skin in Mobile Legends.
A nuclear war is imminent. Also, I might hold hands by the end of the year. Which does sound mechanical... But it's not just the hands (uwu) - I mean, she speaks English, and I'd never find an English speaker in my area (who would also be a hot single).
The rate of my responded letters on the Slowly app has risen from 15% to over 20%.
I've been listening to Jay Dryer on Orthodox Christian theology. I may hate Jesus, but he's super knowledgeable, to a depressing degree.
And finally, today is technically the anniversary of my meeting with the now-dead JP girl in the magic of cyberspace. What if it's her who has sent me the above-mentioned girl in gratitude for building her a shrine? (I'm larping as a schizo - unfortunately, I never heard any disembodied voices. I never fainted either. Hopefully, I'm not gonna faint on the date half a year in the future, lmao yikes!)
I got rejected today too. I potential new therapist doesn't want to help because my condition is too bad.
I have a psychologist but I don't understand what he means most of the time. He has entire analysises that i cant follow . When im crying he remains cold because he 'doesnt want to talk with that part of me'.
My life is just quiet whining now, like a petulant toddler who decided he isn't going to speak until he gets what he wants.
I am absolutely disgusted by everything about myself.
I just alternate between anxiety, sadness and rage.
I have these intricate fantasies, a mythical wishful thinking, of which I don't even know how to make any effort into realizing them.
Just jumping from disappointment to disappointment
I constantly dream about someone or something saving me, yet I KNOW i am the only one who can do anything about anything, absolutely no one can it for me, nor should they.
I don't think I could ctb. I would have done it by now, if I could.
I should have done it years ago.
It's sunny today, though a bit colder than usual. Going to take a walk.
i was sick again last night... im so tired of this.. im tired of eating...i just wanted a break... i dont understand how people eat "so much" ("so much" being subjective. just the normal 2000cals, looks like a mountain to me....)
(just...venting about it because i havent told my bf yet... still doesnt know about me being upset yesterday either..)
My life is just quiet whining now, like a petulant toddler who decided he isn't going to speak until he gets what he wants.
I am absolutely disgusted by everything about myself.
I just alternate between anxiety, sadness and rage.
I have these intricate fantasies, a mythical wishful thinking, of which I don't even know how to make any effort into realizing them.
Just jumping from disappointment to disappointment
I constantly dream about someone or something saving me, yet I KNOW i am the only one who can do anything about anything, absolutely no one can it for me, nor should they.
I don't think I could ctb. I would have done it by now, if I could.
I should have done it years ago.
It's sunny today, though a bit colder than usual. Going to take a walk.
I feel you.
You are the key to recovery thats true. But you can receive help. Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? Tried medication?
Going for a walk can help. I do that daily but it only helpt a little. Mediation helps a little too.
I never had as many suicidal thoughts as yesterday. I imagined myself jumping in front of a train. Ending it fast. Maybe I spend too much time reading this forum. I don't want to die. I just want to live.
Stupid that money is an issue for you to get the right help. Where do you live?
Medication didn't work for me either. It was incredibly frustrating taking them and waiting for weeks and no results. I had hope. I'm losing hope now.
@stillunemployed, and @arnxxx, what medications have you tried? And did any word for you? I've tried several antidepressants but none of them worked and the side effects were worse than the depression. I've tried ketamine psychotherapy but no luck there, although it did boost my mood for a few days. Now trying ketamine micro dosing. (Just started, so no opinion yet.)
Hello you guys! I'm sorry for disappearing, but I'm happy to see some the new avatars around the thread. I regret that I was unable to welcome you all in as you came, and I'm really sorry that some of these replies are going to come, like, a month late, lol. I'm also sorry that I'm not able to get back to everyone and everything but I would like to get to a few things that I thought were worth mentioning. As always there's no pressure to reply to or interact with me if any of you would not like to, since I know I'm replying to old things.
Good morning, btw! Always wanted to get this in before @stillunemployed. I've always been really sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope that the walk you went on this past Friday has offered you some relief from the way that you were feeling. Do you have any rituals similar to going for a walk that you participate in when you're feeling down? And how has your weekend been?
@lita-lassi as always, I'm really sad that you have to go through the wringer in the court. It really feels like the system is made to frustrate us, which sucks. You deserve justice or compensation for the shit that you've had to go through, so I hope all of this BS doesn't last for much longer.
Thank you for so thoughtfully replying to everyone here recently, @HighFlight! We appreciate you and your efforts a lot, around here. How are you doing?
Sometimes like today I just feel so burnt out and like it's neverending. So frustrated about how unnecessary and time consuming all of this has been. I find it hasn't been worth it, and dying seems like a better option over struggling. I'm not where others with the same resources are at and I feel failure, guilt, shame, and worthless.
Although it's always unfortunate to see people around here, in it's own way, I'm happy that you found your way to this thread, Cat! I've enjoyed seeing you around the forum, and I'm sorry for all of your grief. I'm sure this has already been said to you in one way or another, but it is not your personal failing that you're not living in a place with the greatest resources. There is no guilt or shame for you to bear in that department; you're definitely not a government entity all on your own, and at the end of the day it's their failing for not providing the citizens of your country with such essential resources. Still, it's not like this really makes things any better, and I completely understand why you feel this way. It's only your responsibility to "fix" the things that are wrong with you, so I would guess that this is really where most of your guilt is coming from.
Even so, I hope you won't feel too much guilt over these things. Just living and taking things day by day is a huge success, and what really matters is that we're trying despite our difficulties. We often say on this thread that recovery is not linear. I do appreciate that your post included nice things, too. Your pets are super lucky to have you as a parent, as I'm sure you feel lucky to have them as well. It's good to turn our attentions to the things that make our miserable lives worth living, no matter how small those things are. If you're up to answering, do you have any other things like that? Things that make you want to stick around and see for another day? And also, how have you been doing lately?
Welcome to the thread! We are happy to have you around. And I also want to second this, #LongLiveVenin.
Thank you for sharing some of your struggles with us. It always makes me happy that people feels safe to do so in this thread. I actually had to Google ME when you mentioned it and I think that does sound like something extremely difficult to deal with. I know that living with chronic illness can be hopelessly exhausting. It's incredibly strong of you to still have the desire and energy to try, and I'm proud of you for that! I hope that you'll be able to make it to your goal of twenty-seven, at least. Personally, I had the goal to die by twenty-five, and now I'm just trying to make it to twenty-seven, too. One year at a time, for me, and maybe I'll make it into old age, against all the odds.
So many people care about me. They didn't deserve this. Screw me getting M.E. my family. My friends. They didn't deserve to see my suffer such prolonged agony.
I don't think that I can say anything that HF hasn't said to you, already. It's a testament to your own kindness and empathy that you think of your illness as something that other people don't deserve. Honestly, I would say that you are the one who doesn't deserve it. It's good (and important) to acknowledge the impact that our mental and physical illnesses may have on our loved ones, but it's just as important not to forget that we are also their loved ones. Although they don't want to see us suffer, when people are good to us, they actually want to be there for us during those bad times. It's hard to see someone you care about suffering, but I'm sure that most of all they are happy that you're still with them for a time longer, and they want to help you as much as they can.
How are you doing now, if you don't mind answering?
It made me laugh a little to see "girl stuff" as a trigger warning, hahaha. But as a girl's girl, I did not mind reading any of your posts at all! Thank you for opening up and welcome to the thread!! It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of things already, and all in twenty-five years of living, or less. I'm really sorry about it all and I hope that you can find a way to live a peaceful life in the future. Until then, we're here to sit with you at rock bottom.
I also struggle with addiction and a few people who hang around here do, as well. My sad motivation to write this post is the joint that I have rolled up next to me; when I'm done, I'll get to smoke. So I definitely get it, and I think I understand your desire to quit. It seems like you want to start a wholesome life with your current partner, and of course, drugs have no place in that. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of things do you intend to do to quit smoking weed? I know that there are support groups for things like that; people to keep your motivated and accountable when the times are tough. But I hope you won't be too cruel to yourself in the meantime, especially if your boyfriend does not mind and is willing to love you through it. Kicking an addiction is hard, and we falter lots of times on the way to complete sobriety. Just like with recovery from our MH issues, it's not about how many times we fall down, but how many times we are willing to get up and try again!
All of the other stuff you're dealing with sounds really hard. I don't personally have an eating disorder (I don't think), but I know my eating is disordered. I don't want to get into it and run the risk of triggering you, but I want to say that I can somewhat relate. I actually went out to celebrate one of my friends' birthday the other day, and they went out for dinner at an all-you-can-eat. It made me feel a little weird seeing everyone eat so much, and even go back for seconds and thirds. Obviously they're the normal ones and they're not doing anything worth judging, but I felt sickly full after just half a plate of the food that I got, and that's been on my mind a lot recently. I'm just happy they didn't ask about it. I've been reading the thread even though I couldn't find it in me to reply, so my mind did land on you and what you shared here from time to time. I hope that you've been taking care of yourself!
Also, the things you said about your living situation with your ex-husband makes me feel very sad. Feel free to DM me if you don't want to talk about it on the thread, or just ignore me if you don't want to get into it at all, but why are things like that? Do you have to live with him until the divorce is final? And furthermore, do you think he's dragging his feet on purpose to essentially keep you trapped there? That's horrible, and I hope you can find a solution sooner rather than later. I know you said that you don't want to move with your cat, but if push comes to shove, I hope you will consider relocating yourself to somewhere safer. In general, it's a great thing that you have family that sounds like they're willing to support you!
I also get the conflict with wanting kids. I am also having that huge desire and it's something that's tearing me apart. I'm sure it's more biological than anything, I know that I don't want children, but I'm devastated that I probably won't be having that life since it is the one I planned with my partner, but for several reasons we probably won't make it there and that won't be a reality for me. When I had more of a will to live, I always thought this desire would just come with time because starting a family is the "normal" thing to do, but unfortunately, that shouldn't happen. I think this is very lucky for any potential children I could have had, though, and I know a lot of people will agree with that. It's better for me to just never know about it at all, and my friends have kids anyway, so I won't miss out on caring for them somewhat.
I hope things will work out with you and your partner! I generally agree with the whole notion that people who do not share the same values and general goals in life should just break up, but I also know that long-term relationships do involve compromise so I can understand not wanting to lose a good thing over that one disagreement. If it isn't a deal breaker for you and all other things are perfect (or nearly perfect) in your relationship, then not having kids doesn't have to be a big deal. Kinda sucks that he essentially teases you with the idea in his own way, it's weird to think that being kind to children is just being nice to you, and I hope that won't continue if it bothers you!
Welcome to the thread! I'm really proud of you, although I'm sorry that life has brought you back to this forum. I hope you were able to enjoy your days after making this post, and we'll be here for you!
I was happy to hear from you, cheese. I hope that you're still doing okay and hanging in there. I feel like I'm always saying I'm also struggling with addictions and I really get it. I pray you'll use safely if you're going to use, until you're able to quit. And I'm so proud of you for living to see 2024, despite everything. If all goes well, you'll still be with us in 2025, too!!
Welcome to the thread! I've enjoyed seeing you around the forum, although I am really sorry for the things you've had to go through that have brought you here. I'm also sorry to hear about the things that you are currently going through, but sadly there is no easy or even straightforward way to get out of this, and a lot of us are still stumbling in the dark in an attempt to figure that out. It's okay to stumble and be confused, though. It's a good thing that you're able to recognize your behavior is harming your relationships with your loved ones. This is something that's difficult for everyone involved, so I hope you'll be kind to yourself in this process. The best thing to do would be to pinpoint problematic behaviors and try to find ways to handle your triggers. I'm not the best at this, though. For example, I got triggered really badly recently and upon realizing that, I just ceased contact with 99% of the people that I know for weeks, lol. That behavior of mine is also pushing people away but I don't know how to stop it. So, I definitely get it. And I'm sorry for getting back so late, but would you like to talk more about the existential crisis that you're having?
Welcome to the thread, and thank you for sharing some of yourself with us. I'm really sorry that you feel this way, but I know what you mean. It feels impossible for me to think positively of myself. I think that HF gave you some really great advice, but even doing those things that were suggested can feel so cringe-y and inauthentic when you've been stuck in negative thinking patterns for ages. I hope you'll go easy on yourself; thinking more positively is a very long and hard process. How has your journaling been going? Are you still trying to tell yourself some positive things, lately?
Also, I really like your profile picture! Higurashi holds a special place in my twisted little heart, haha.
Welcome to the thread, Tesha! I'm sorry to get back to you late, but thank you for sharing your story with us, as well. I think the posts where I fully joined in on this thread have been lost but I remember saying something similar. The only thing scarier than dying, to me, is living with the uncertainty of tomorrow. I don't know if it will really get better, and if it does, I don't know what happens after. But all I can do is try, even when I'm scared, and I'm proud of you for doing so as well. It sounds like you are going through some really dark times and I want nothing more for you than that light at the end of the tunnel. If you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking it day by day, eventually you'll find a path to walk that is better lit. How have you been doing recently, if you don't mind answering?
I like that you put some positive things about yourself in your introduction! That's a practice I think we should adopt in this thread. You sound like a really wonderful person, and I hope we can get to know you more as we're all in this boat together, for the time being. Also, it's awesome that you like Bonsai trees! I'm a year into my plant-mom life and I've been looking into getting one, but I'm so intimidated by them for some reason. Do you care for any yourself?
I recently approached a specialist residential trauma clinic and despite my suicide ideation, they were ok with admitting me, if I can raise the funds…
I really hope that this works out for you!! Getting the money to afford help is always the part that I really hated.
This post is really long and I'm sorry (Usagi try not to apologize challenge 2024: impossible).
I've just been trying not to self-mutilate. Objectively, things are doing better in my life, but I'm always at war with my mind, and I'm also having my own existential crisis and personal issues. I got a month into sobriety and then relapsed on coke again recently, now I think I'm back to six days clean. And I'm still unfortunately drinking. It feels like I've made no progress and I'm just back at square one, but I know that's not true. It still sucks though and I've really struggled to want to stay alive. I did appreciate the caring messages that I got from some of you guys, and I'll try to respond when I can! But even writing this post took me five hours, and I feel like I'm about to crawl into my hole of despair again, lol. I've been trying to get out more, but it doesn't really help. I feel like a ghost among people, seriously. Like I'm in a place that I don't belong...
oh thats a good one
(a little background context, my current bf was my bf back when i was 15 but then i broke up with him (because i felt like shit for cheating) and i hung out with people that tended to get in trouble while he was in one of the gaming crowds so it was really easy for us to just go our own ways back then) after we broke up and about half a year later...
this guy started to come over to my house (parents) to work on his vehicle, and id go and help. this one day my parents say (to this basic stranger) "can you take our (15yo) daughter out and talk to her about listening to us?" (oh, it was just after dark too. wonderful, wonderful parents. im 99% sure they were trying to get me murdered or something, they cant honestly be that stupid can they??) so we went out to burger king and considering the topic was my parents i was like "well they suck" so he gave me his # in case i ran away. (i think it was that night he gave it to me. either way, point is, i told him my parents suck and at some point got his number).
fast forward a bit, my mother and i got into an argument. i had started going to work with this guy to get a couple bucks (cough cough get out of the house cough cough). he works a night job and i didnt trust my mother to wake me up and she refused to give me my phone (even though it had absolutely no way to do anything on it. i lived in the middle of no where, we had internet on 1 computer (that i also wasnt allowed to touch) and i didnt currently have any minutes on it (pay as you go). this phone was a literally a paperweight, aside from using it to write on the notepad and alarms) so i had to stay awake all day, then all night, then all day. sleep 1 night, repeat. after a couple days of this i get home from work, obviously exhausted. "go cut wood" (something i shouldnt even be doing considering i have a bad back) "id like to take a nap first, then i will" "no do it now" then id like to have a friend come over and help me so im not putting so much pressure on myself" she just kept saying no and demanding i do it right now. her having a history of violence, i walked out the door before she did. get another phone, call my bf at the time to met up with me. then my (step) father comes home from work, and theyre chasing me through the woods cause f you im not going back to that "ill be home by nightfall". finally they get me in the truck and we go pick up my bf and his friend (so, i got my friends over anyway and no wood got cut. fucking morons). they tried to convince my bf to not get me to move at which point i turned around and was like "THEYRE ABUSIVE" at which point he shut up and took my side "oh, i didnt know" and my parents said that if it happens again theyre going to kick me out or i can just leave now. i pointed out that i wasnt the one that started it so i guess ill be leaving now because i cant ensure it wont happen again....
i literally got kicked out for being an adult........ (at 16).....
so i called the guys # because i didnt have anywheres else to go. my bf couldnt take me, i didnt have any real friends, i didnt have any family.....(still dont really...)
and the worst part.......the guy im with now....the guy that loved me before and through all of my everything from a distance......just before i broke up with him he asked his mother if i could move in because he had a bad feeling about my home life (he knew i was suicidal).....he didnt get the chance to tell me.... i had no idea.......
@stillunemployed, and @arnxxx, what medications have you tried? And did any word for you? I've tried several antidepressants but none of them worked and the side effects were worse than the depression. I've tried ketamine psychotherapy but no luck there, although it did boost my mood for a few days. Now trying ketamine micro dosing. (Just started, so no opinion yet.)
I used to use venlafaxine and oxazepam. Changed to clomipramine, olanzapine. Later added lithium. I waited for 8-9 weeks but nothing happened. No side effects either.
Mao medication would be the next step but i don't want those because I can't drink. Drinking with friends is what gives me relief from my pain. I don't do it alone.
Psychotherapy for about a year now. I just keep feeling like this. There is something terribly wrong in my body. I feel anxious and depressed all day until the evening. Then its less. I called two different psychologists and they both don't want to help me. Presumably because Im a tough case.
Thanks for the response. I do work about 6-10 hours a week but it's hard. Sometimes I just end up in tears because I can't do it. I don't want to stop and do nothing. Right now I'm still a little bit useful for society. And I make a little bit of my own money so I don't have to completely rely on savings.
I've been writing down positive affirmations like suggested but I can barely think of something for most days. I just writing down "playing video games" or "watch movie". Things that I do in the evening because after about 7 pm I usually feel more relaxed. But those things I write down aren't specifically GOOD, they are less bad.
And Higurashi is awesome indeed
@stillunemployed, and @arnxxx, what medications have you tried? And did any word for you? I've tried several antidepressants but none of them worked and the side effects were worse than the depression. I've tried ketamine psychotherapy but no luck there, although it did boost my mood for a few days. Now trying ketamine micro dosing. (Just started, so no opinion yet.)
I was proscribed Cipralex, Seroquel, which was later changed to Mirzaten. Those made feel very docile and quiet. I suppose if kept taking Cipralex it might have made a difference, at least back then.
I don't know. Cipralex was changed to Welbutrin and that made feel extreme rage, so stopped with all meds and cut off my then psychologist.
This was about nine years ago.
Good morning, btw! Always wanted to get this in before @stillunemployed. I've always been really sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope that the walk you went on this past Friday has offered you some relief from the way that you were feeling. Do you have any rituals similar to going for a walk that you participate in when you're feeling down? And how has your weekend been?
I appreciate that.
I walk almost daily now. It's an exercise regimen, which i'm doing quite consistently for the past several months. There is no real specialty, I just keep moving for as long as possible.
I feel sad this weekend. I'll be probably waking up anxious tomorrow, though.
I need to stop wishing for things to happen and finally start living my life. Or else my mind will consume me.
Hello you guys! I'm sorry for disappearing, but I'm happy to see some the new avatars around the thread. I regret that I was unable to welcome you all in as you came, and I'm really sorry that some of these replies are going to come, like, a month late, lol. I'm also sorry that I'm not able to get back to everyone and everything but I would like to get to a few things that I thought were worth mentioning. As always there's no pressure to reply to or interact with me if any of you would not like to, since I know I'm replying to old things.
Good morning, btw! Always wanted to get this in before @stillunemployed. I've always been really sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope that the walk you went on this past Friday has offered you some relief from the way that you were feeling. Do you have any rituals similar to going for a walk that you participate in when you're feeling down? And how has your weekend been?
@lita-lassi as always, I'm really sad that you have to go through the wringer in the court. It really feels like the system is made to frustrate us, which sucks. You deserve justice or compensation for the shit that you've had to go through, so I hope all of this BS doesn't last for much longer.
Thank you for so thoughtfully replying to everyone here recently, @HighFlight! We appreciate you and your efforts a lot, around here. How are you doing?
Although it's always unfortunate to see people around here, in it's own way, I'm happy that you found your way to this thread, Cat! I've enjoyed seeing you around the forum, and I'm sorry for all of your grief. I'm sure this has already been said to you in one way or another, but it is not your personal failing that you're not living in a place with the greatest resources. There is no guilt or shame for you to bear in that department; you're definitely not a government entity all on your own, and at the end of the day it's their failing for not providing the citizens of your country with such essential resources. Still, it's not like this really makes things any better, and I completely understand why you feel this way. It's only your responsibility to "fix" the things that are wrong with you, so I would guess that this is really where most of your guilt is coming from.
Even so, I hope you won't feel too much guilt over these things. Just living and taking things day by day is a huge success, and what really matters is that we're trying despite our difficulties. We often say on this thread that recovery is not linear. I do appreciate that your post included nice things, too. Your pets are super lucky to have you as a parent, as I'm sure you feel lucky to have them as well. It's good to turn our attentions to the things that make our miserable lives worth living, no matter how small those things are. If you're up to answering, do you have any other things like that? Things that make you want to stick around and see for another day? And also, how have you been doing lately?
Luckily there is and you're a part of it, now. We're happy to have you! I hope you'll stick around (but I may be too late in getting back to this).
Welcome to the thread! We are happy to have you around. And I also want to second this, #LongLiveVenin.
Thank you for sharing some of your struggles with us. It always makes me happy that people feels safe to do so in this thread. I actually had to Google ME when you mentioned it and I think that does sound like something extremely difficult to deal with. I know that living with chronic illness can be hopelessly exhausting. It's incredibly strong of you to still have the desire and energy to try, and I'm proud of you for that! I hope that you'll be able to make it to your goal of twenty-seven, at least. Personally, I had the goal to die by twenty-five, and now I'm just trying to make it to twenty-seven, too. One year at a time, for me, and maybe I'll make it into old age, against all the odds.
I don't think that I can say anything that HF hasn't said to you, already. It's a testament to your own kindness and empathy that you think of your illness as something that other people don't deserve. Honestly, I would say that you are the one who doesn't deserve it. It's good (and important) to acknowledge the impact that our mental and physical illnesses may have on our loved ones, but it's just as important not to forget that we are also their loved ones. Although they don't want to see us suffer, when people are good to us, they actually want to be there for us during those bad times. It's hard to see someone you care about suffering, but I'm sure that most of all they are happy that you're still with them for a time longer, and they want to help you as much as they can.
How are you doing now, if you don't mind answering?
It made me laugh a little to see "girl stuff" as a trigger warning, hahaha. But as a girl's girl, I did not mind reading any of your posts at all! Thank you for opening up and welcome to the thread!! It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of things already, and all in twenty-five years of living, or less. I'm really sorry about it all and I hope that you can find a way to live a peaceful life in the future. Until then, we're here to sit with you at rock bottom.
I also struggle with addiction and a few people who hang around here do, as well. My sad motivation to write this post is the joint that I have rolled up next to me; when I'm done, I'll get to smoke. So I definitely get it, and I think I understand your desire to quit. It seems like you want to start a wholesome life with your current partner, and of course, drugs have no place in that. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of things do you intend to do to quit smoking weed? I know that there are support groups for things like that; people to keep your motivated and accountable when the times are tough. But I hope you won't be too cruel to yourself in the meantime, especially if your boyfriend does not mind and is willing to love you through it. Kicking an addiction is hard, and we falter lots of times on the way to complete sobriety. Just like with recovery from our MH issues, it's not about how many times we fall down, but how many times we are willing to get up and try again!
All of the other stuff you're dealing with sounds really hard. I don't personally have an eating disorder (I don't think), but I know my eating is disordered. I don't want to get into it and run the risk of triggering you, but I want to say that I can somewhat relate. I actually went out to celebrate one of my friends' birthday the other day, and they went out for dinner at an all-you-can-eat. It made me feel a little weird seeing everyone eat so much, and even go back for seconds and thirds. Obviously they're the normal ones and they're not doing anything worth judging, but I felt sickly full after just half a plate of the food that I got, and that's been on my mind a lot recently. I'm just happy they didn't ask about it. I've been reading the thread even though I couldn't find it in me to reply, so my mind did land on you and what you shared here from time to time. I hope that you've been taking care of yourself!
Also, the things you said about your living situation with your ex-husband makes me feel very sad. Feel free to DM me if you don't want to talk about it on the thread, or just ignore me if you don't want to get into it at all, but why are things like that? Do you have to live with him until the divorce is final? And furthermore, do you think he's dragging his feet on purpose to essentially keep you trapped there? That's horrible, and I hope you can find a solution sooner rather than later. I know you said that you don't want to move with your cat, but if push comes to shove, I hope you will consider relocating yourself to somewhere safer. In general, it's a great thing that you have family that sounds like they're willing to support you!
I also get the conflict with wanting kids. I am also having that huge desire and it's something that's tearing me apart. I'm sure it's more biological than anything, I know that I don't want children, but I'm devastated that I probably won't be having that life since it is the one I planned with my partner, but for several reasons we probably won't make it there and that won't be a reality for me. When I had more of a will to live, I always thought this desire would just come with time because starting a family is the "normal" thing to do, but unfortunately, that shouldn't happen. I think this is very lucky for any potential children I could have had, though, and I know a lot of people will agree with that. It's better for me to just never know about it at all, and my friends have kids anyway, so I won't miss out on caring for them somewhat.
I hope things will work out with you and your partner! I generally agree with the whole notion that people who do not share the same values and general goals in life should just break up, but I also know that long-term relationships do involve compromise so I can understand not wanting to lose a good thing over that one disagreement. If it isn't a deal breaker for you and all other things are perfect (or nearly perfect) in your relationship, then not having kids doesn't have to be a big deal. Kinda sucks that he essentially teases you with the idea in his own way, it's weird to think that being kind to children is just being nice to you, and I hope that won't continue if it bothers you!
Welcome to the thread! I'm really proud of you, although I'm sorry that life has brought you back to this forum. I hope you were able to enjoy your days after making this post, and we'll be here for you!
I was happy to hear from you, cheese. I hope that you're still doing okay and hanging in there. I feel like I'm always saying I'm also struggling with addictions and I really get it. I pray you'll use safely if you're going to use, until you're able to quit. And I'm so proud of you for living to see 2024, despite everything. If all goes well, you'll still be with us in 2025, too!!
Welcome to the thread! I've enjoyed seeing you around the forum, although I am really sorry for the things you've had to go through that have brought you here. I'm also sorry to hear about the things that you are currently going through, but sadly there is no easy or even straightforward way to get out of this, and a lot of us are still stumbling in the dark in an attempt to figure that out. It's okay to stumble and be confused, though. It's a good thing that you're able to recognize your behavior is harming your relationships with your loved ones. This is something that's difficult for everyone involved, so I hope you'll be kind to yourself in this process. The best thing to do would be to pinpoint problematic behaviors and try to find ways to handle your triggers. I'm not the best at this, though. For example, I got triggered really badly recently and upon realizing that, I just ceased contact with 99% of the people that I know for weeks, lol. That behavior of mine is also pushing people away but I don't know how to stop it. So, I definitely get it. And I'm sorry for getting back so late, but would you like to talk more about the existential crisis that you're having?
Welcome to the thread, and thank you for sharing some of yourself with us. I'm really sorry that you feel this way, but I know what you mean. It feels impossible for me to think positively of myself. I think that HF gave you some really great advice, but even doing those things that were suggested can feel so cringe-y and inauthentic when you've been stuck in negative thinking patterns for ages. I hope you'll go easy on yourself; thinking more positively is a very long and hard process. How has your journaling been going? Are you still trying to tell yourself some positive things, lately?
Also, I really like your profile picture! Higurashi holds a special place in my twisted little heart, haha.
Welcome to the thread, Tesha! I'm sorry to get back to you late, but thank you for sharing your story with us, as well. I think the posts where I fully joined in on this thread have been lost but I remember saying something similar. The only thing scarier than dying, to me, is living with the uncertainty of tomorrow. I don't know if it will really get better, and if it does, I don't know what happens after. But all I can do is try, even when I'm scared, and I'm proud of you for doing so as well. It sounds like you are going through some really dark times and I want nothing more for you than that light at the end of the tunnel. If you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking it day by day, eventually you'll find a path to walk that is better lit. How have you been doing recently, if you don't mind answering?
I like that you put some positive things about yourself in your introduction! That's a practice I think we should adopt in this thread. You sound like a really wonderful person, and I hope we can get to know you more as we're all in this boat together, for the time being. Also, it's awesome that you like Bonsai trees! I'm a year into my plant-mom life and I've been looking into getting one, but I'm so intimidated by them for some reason. Do you care for any yourself?
I really hope that this works out for you!! Getting the money to afford help is always the part that I really hated.
This post is really long and I'm sorry (Usagi try not to apologize challenge 2024: impossible).
I've just been trying not to self-mutilate. Objectively, things are doing better in my life, but I'm always at war with my mind, and I'm also having my own existential crisis and personal issues. I got a month into sobriety and then relapsed on coke again recently, now I think I'm back to six days clean. And I'm still unfortunately drinking. It feels like I've made no progress and I'm just back at square one, but I know that's not true. It still sucks though and I've really struggled to want to stay alive. I did appreciate the caring messages that I got from some of you guys, and I'll try to respond when I can! But even writing this post took me five hours, and I feel like I'm about to crawl into my hole of despair again, lol. I've been trying to get out more, but it doesn't really help. I feel like a ghost among people, seriously. Like I'm in a place that I don't belong...
Thank you for writing this very important essay. I give you an S+ for sympathy. Seriously this reply meant a lot to me and probably everyone that read it so thank you for caring about us.
How am I doing? Haha, well. I'm still here I guess. I'm still in bed, fatigued, in pain, clutching onto the bed with unbearable weird neurological symptoms no one understands or has ever seen before. All because of some stupid little retarded virus. All in all? I'm here. And despite the agony I'm in, I'm doing better than normal if that says anything. I might stick around till July. That's my short term goal. To meet my last friend that still talks to me daily in July. If we can actually do that. Might be years worth of mental vigor and endurance. Even if it worsens me physically it'll probably strengthen me mentally. A double edged sword. Thank you again, and don't apologize for the length of anything like that, I think you're a wonderful, beautiful person with a heart of gold for writing all this out. You're the best. Thank you for being you and checking in on all of us.
How are you holding up? I had a similar situation with my mom when I was in college. I was hundreds of miles away and all they would tell me is that they took her to the hospital with multiple gunshot wounds. Not knowing is one of the worst feelings. Have there been any updates?
@UsagiDrop, welcome back! I was beginning to get worried. Thank for such great responses to so many. 5 hours of writing sounds exhausting.
I've been writing down positive affirmations like suggested but I can barely think of something for most days. I just writing down "playing video games" or "watch movie".
This is a good start, especially since you are doing it consistently. But let's take it up a level. Instead of simple write "playing video games", try "I played ___ video game, and was able to reach the next level of the game. I'm really good at this game." Obviously, this is just a sample - you'll need to fill in the details. But do you see the difference? One simply states what you did, while the other gives you a since of accomplishment.
Also, if you need help, dm me with what you did and I'll send back some ideas for positive affirmations. It will give me some motivation to move forward with my app.
I'm glad to hear you're doing better than normal. I still find it a testament to you as an individual to put your family and friend first in this situation.
Thank you again, and don't apologize for the length of anything like that, I think you're a wonderful, beautiful person with a heart of gold for writing all this out. You're the best. Thank you for being you and checking in on all of us.
Step in a positive direction for me, I hope. I'm going back to therapy this week and have scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist next month. I do have some stories to tell them But maybe they will take me seriously now? Maybe something more than "just continue with the therapy, it will help", which ended up with me getting SN and planned leaving for good.
The thing is, I think I'm permanently broken in many ways, and it feels like I'm just plastering over a hole. I don't even understand why I'm trying to recover, because suicide made so much sense to me. The thoughts of it are gone for now, probably temporarily, but maybe it's better to do something while I wait for their return? For the chance to be happy?
So if there's someone who can wish me luck, please do.
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Tomorrow I will go inpatient and start my next attempt to become clean from the opioids. Fingers crossed
But maybe they will take me seriously now? Maybe something more than "just continue with the therapy, it will help", which ended up with me getting SN and planned leaving for good.
