"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[stillunemployed]

SAME!!! except the hiking part. i dont even feel comfortable walking to my vehicle. and moving feels awkward. other people/interactions always cause me to dissociate
i find you have to "mind your own bubble" but its sooooo difficult
is there maybe somewhere else less populated you can go? or maybe music? headphones help me a bit (cant enjoy the birds though...)

No. Can't afford a gym membership and those have all sort of assholes.

Weekdays are good. Almost no one around.
To be honest, this place is pretty empty. Very few people live here, compared to other countries.

 

[Malaria]

My mental health problems are pushing my loved ones away. I'm having a bit of an existential crisis, but also intense fear of abandonment and rejection. I'm also having a bad social media addiction and have a tendency to purposefully look up things that are upsetting to me. My desire to CTB is pushing away the people that matter to me most. I got into a fight over the weekend with someone I love dearly, and it's very clear to me that my mental illnesses are pushing others away. I just want to know how to get out of this.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I just want to know how to get out of this.

personally for me its been honesty, finding what i need and hardwork

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @Malaria, welcome. I'm sorry to hear about the impact yout mental health issues are having on your loved ones. These are the people who are in the best position to help. So when they withdraw, it can hurt even more.

Unfortunately, there's no easy answer to how to get out of this situation. @Life_and_Death provided some great suggestions - honesty, hardwork, & figuring out what you need. I know that sometimes it feels like ctb is an easy solution. But if you read some of the stories here, you'll see that is not as easy as it sounds.

Is there one person in your group of loved ones who you feel you're especially close too. Having a honest conversation about how you feel and what you're going through might be helpful. Only you know enough about your relationship to determine if you can bring up the subject of ctb. But many times it better to focus on the reasons why you feel that way, and not on the act itself.

Also, you should have these conversations with a therapist or doctor. If you have one, but feel stuck, can you find a different person? While not a replacement for professional help, I am open to private messages if you want someone to talk to in a not so public forum.

Anyway, welcome to our group. Feel free to share what you feel comfortable with. (And don't be afraid to jump in if you want to respond directly to another user's post.)

@stillunemployed, I had the same experience with Wellbutrin. And I also have had bad reactions to every SSRI I've tried. :( But Life_and_Death is correct - we all react differently to the medications. Wellbutrin, SSRIs, and other mental health drugs work well for many, but not everyone.

But it's great that you can get out and doing some hiking. Physical exercise can help the body to produce its own "drugs". It just beginning to warm up where I am, and I'll try to hike 4-5 miles a few times each week. But like you, I feel judged for being in a public place alone.

@Life_and_Death, you have a lot of issues & questions you're looking to resolve. You mentioned several forward-thinking paths - opening a bakery, having children, relationships. You've also mentioned obstacles such as anorexia and mental health issues. It's great you're taking your medication regularly. (I wish I had only 3 medications to worry about.)

Keep in mind, you don't have to solve everything at once. You're young and have plenty of time - just don't waste it with indecision. You won't always make the "right" choice, but you will make progress. So figure out which issue you'd want to work on first and focus on that. You can still work on others, as they're usually interrelated. But put your focus on the issue you feel is the most important to you.

And to everyone, we tend to beat ourselves up over things that we would understand and show grace for if someone else were to do the same thing. Please remember, show yourself the same grace that you show others here.

#BeKindToYourself

 

[Malaria]

Hi @Malaria, welcome. I'm sorry to hear about the impact yout mental health issues are having on your loved ones. These are the people who are in the best position to help. So when they withdraw, it can hurt even more.

Unfortunately, there's no easy answer to how to get out of this situation. @Life_and_Death provided some great suggestions - honesty, hardwork, & figuring out what you need. I know that sometimes it feels like ctb is an easy solution. But if you read some of the stories here, you'll see that is not as easy as it sounds.

Is there one person in your group of loved ones who you feel you're especially close too. Having a honest conversation about how you feel and what you're going through might be helpful. Only you know enough about your relationship to determine if you can bring up the subject of ctb. But many times it better to focus on the reasons why you feel that way, and not on the act itself.

Also, you should have these conversations with a therapist or doctor. If you have one, but feel stuck, can you find a different person? While not a replacement for professional help, I am open to private messages if you want someone to talk to in a not so public forum.

Anyway, welcome to our group. Feel free to share what you feel comfortable with. (And don't be afraid to jump in if you want to respond directly to another user's post.)

@stillunemployed, I had the same experience with Wellbutrin. And I also have had bad reactions to every SSRI I've tried. :( But Life_and_Death is correct - we all react differently to the medications. Wellbutrin, SSRIs, and other mental health drugs work well for many, but not everyone.

But it's great that you can get out and doing some hiking. Physical exercise can help the body to produce its own "drugs". It just beginning to warm up where I am, and I'll try to hike 4-5 miles a few times each week. But like you, I feel judged for being in a public place alone.

@Life_and_Death, you have a lot of issues & questions you're looking to resolve. You mentioned several forward-thinking paths - opening a bakery, having children, relationships. You've also mentioned obstacles such as anorexia and mental health issues. It's great you're taking your medication regularly. (I wish I had only 3 medications to worry about.)

Keep in mind, you don't have to solve everything at once. You're young and have plenty of time - just don't waste it with indecision. You won't always make the "right" choice, but you will make progress. So figure out which issue you'd want to work on first and focus on that. You can still work on others, as they're usually interrelated. But put your focus on the issue you feel is the most important to you.

And to everyone, we tend to beat ourselves up over things that we would understand and show grace for if someone else were to do the same thing. Please remember, show yourself the same grace that you show others here.

#BeKindToYourself

I feel like the only person I could talk about my suicidal ideation to is my therapist. I can't talk about it with my loved ones because they're exhausted from always dealing with me getting suicidal and attempting. But I do think that's a good idea, that instead of bringing up that I'm wanting to CTB, maybe it would be best to discuss with them the thing that's causing me to think about CTB.

 

[arnxxx]

Hello everyone
I feel terrible. Im a journalist and someone I interviewed wants to retract what she said because of whats in the article that took me hours to write. I wrote her back but she didn't respond for 1.5 days. I keep thinking of this. I think my depression stops me from thinking positively.
It just roams around in my mind and I can't stop it.

 

[Adûnâi]

@Adûnâi, I took a look at the Slowly app. Interesting concept, with good reviews. I remember a time when communicating over long distance either took time or was expensive - back when our telephones, including the handset were plugged into the wall. You should keep us updated.

Thanks! I have since sent 12 letters, and so far only two people have responded.
1. Ukrainian who talks about philosophy in broken Ukrainian, I can't bring myself to respond because typing in Ukrainian is physically impossible for me.
2. Some cute gay person from Sweden, has actually responded twice already, we're hitting it off! (He's married, so not like that.)

Other than that, I feel like running out of steam in the foreseeable future (regarding this Slowly app). I should at some point do the hygiene and hop onto the Omegle successors to talk in my voice. Could be a huge cope and an adventure - just dodge politics, lest some Ukrainians report me (^^).

Have been talking to my Confucian pal about Buddhism, too.

Also, random Nigerian spammers are assaulting me on Facebook. The funny thing is that the new update has apparently made it so that the Messenger icon appears on top of any other program on my phone, so any time they send me a message, I have to drag the icon into the trash bin. Which is... therapeutic? (Unfortunately, it's all hot "dommes" which also breaks my heart... or feeds my incel rage? See, it's so profound! It's like art!)

Also, I've finally discovered where I can find animal abuse content It's on Facebook! (I'm not looking for it, don't worry, it's tongue in cheek. And it was not even a Chinese video, it was Japanese.)

And there was another video with a Ukrainian man slut-shaming a woman wearing really hot tights AND a military uniform. I was so confused whose side I would take:
1) I have solidarity with the man;
2) but the woman is hot;
3) but she's desecrating the military uniform of our defenders!;
4) but I don't consider our "defenders" sacred;
5) also, she's turning people misogynistic, so she's... based?

Please, don't give me another warning, there are way too many layers of irony to this.

 

[HighFlight]

Hello everyone
I feel terrible. Im a journalist and someone I interviewed wants to retract what she said because of whats in the article that took me hours to write. I wrote her back but she didn't respond for 1.5 days. I keep thinking of this. I think my depression stops me from thinking positively.
It just roams around in my mind and I can't stop it.

Welcome. I know how difficult it can be to work so hard on something only to have an individual ruin it by changing things. With the projects I'm working on, this feels like a daily occurrence. Im sorry you're having to deal with this.

Just curious - Ever think that your negative thinking keeps you depressed? I find it happens to me often where I'll get into a negative thought pattern and find it impacts my mood. And work problems are a great way to get that patterns started.

I hope your week gets better from here. Feel free to continue posting here and let us know.

 

[HighFlight]

@Adûnâi, thank you for the update...

Some cute gay person from Sweden, has actually responded twice already, we're hitting it off! (He's married, so not like that.)

So you wouldn't need to add the "he's married" part if you didn't characterize them as the "cute gay person from Sweden." What you do is your choice and there's no judgement (assuming consensual).

And how/why did the Nigerian Spammers decide to go after your Facebook account?

Your updates are always interesting. But please keep in mind this is a recovery support thread, and we don't want to add information that might trigger a response in someone else.

 

[stillunemployed]

And its another morning!

 

[HighFlight]

And its another morning!

On the hamster wheel of life..

 

[arnxxx]

Welcome. I know how difficult it can be to work so hard on something only to have an individual ruin it by changing things. With the projects I'm working on, this feels like a daily occurrence. Im sorry you're having to deal with this.

Just curious - Ever think that your negative thinking keeps you depressed? I find it happens to me often where I'll get into a negative thought pattern and find it impacts my mood. And work problems are a great way to get that patterns started.

I hope your week gets better from here. Feel free to continue posting here and let us know.

Hey thanks for the response

Yes that individual ruined my work in a time where I dont work that much at all. Achieving something makes me feel a little bit better.

Negative thinking keeps me depressed, Im sure. But I also think i feel bad 'on default'... I wake up depressed and feel bad up until the evening when I feel slightly better. I couldnt stop crying yesterday because of what happened. Even though in the past I could have just shrugged it off.

I hope too my week will get better. Even if a little... Yesterday was really bad

Edit: literary crying on the train to RTMS now. Luckily nobody's watching. I can't help it anymore. Suicidal thoughts never been this prevalent

 

[lita-lassi]

wow more new people :) welcome to the recover-dome

what do when all the phone numbers for a whole fucking sherriffs dept are disconnected/not working lmao

guess who gets to go back to court and bug cops for a while

 

[HighFlight]

on the train to RTMS now

RTMS as in "Repetitive Transcranial magnetic stimulation"? Of so, I'd be very interested in hearing about how that is working for you.

After years of negative thinking, or if you're hardwired this way, the depression is "on" by default. Shutting it off is not easy, but a simple step forward is conscious positive affirmations. It won't help overnight, but it will help over time. (And doesn't cost anything.)

I hope all goes well for you.

guess who gets to go back to court and bug cops for a while

I would not want to be on your bad side... you got this!

 

[arnxxx]

RTMS as in "Repetitive Transcranial magnetic stimulation"? Of so, I'd be very interested in hearing about how that is working for you.

After years of negative thinking, or if you're hardwired this way, the depression is "on" by default. Shutting it off is not easy, but a simple step forward is conscious positive affirmations. It won't help overnight, but it will help over time. (And doesn't cost anything.)

I hope all goes well for you.


I would not want to be on your bad side... you got this!

I have a thread on it: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...magnetic-stimulation-rtms-experiences.155510/

Long story short it doesn't work as of 26 sessions I don't feel better. Maybe even worse. They will start on the other (left) side on my head in a few weeks and try for 25 sessions. After that they'll decide it doesn't or does work.
I have little trust. It already been so many times.

How does your positive affirmation thing work? A while i wrote down positive things that happened to me, no matter how small. But it didn't seem to make me feel much better

 

[HighFlight]

How does your positive affirmation thing work? A while i wrote down positive things that happened to me, no matter how small.

There's a couple ways, and ultimately, I think you're limited by your imagination.

1) Any time you see a reflection of yourself, give yourself a complement. Say something nice to yourself
2) Pay attention to your thoughts, specifically negative thoughts. When you "hear" something negative, restate it as something positive.
3) Write down (or take note) of anything positive that happens to you throughout the day. Review / relive those moments before you go to bed.
4) Say something nice about your life before getting out of bed in the morning and/or before you go to bed.
5) Set multiple alarms or reminders on your phone with different affirmations. Verbalize them when the alarm goes off.
6) Keep a journal dedicated to affirmations and positive reflections. Spend a few minutes every morning or evening writing down affirmations you want to focus on.

Lots of ways you can make it work. But the trick to making it work is to turn it into a habit, and keep at it.

Hope you can find some peace soon.

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[HighFlight]

good morning

Why am I still awake!?!?!

 

[stillunemployed]

Why am I still awake!?!?!

idk bro

 

[arnxxx]

There's a couple ways, and ultimately, I think you're limited by your imagination.

1) Any time you see a reflection of yourself, give yourself a complement. Say something nice to yourself
2) Pay attention to your thoughts, specifically negative thoughts. When you "hear" something negative, restate it as something positive.
3) Write down (or take note) of anything positive that happens to you throughout the day. Review / relive those moments before you go to bed.
4) Say something nice about your life before getting out of bed in the morning and/or before you go to bed.
5) Set multiple alarms or reminders on your phone with different affirmations. Verbalize them when the alarm goes off.
6) Keep a journal dedicated to affirmations and positive reflections. Spend a few minutes every morning or evening writing down affirmations you want to focus on.

Lots of ways you can make it work. But the trick to making it work is to turn it into a habit, and keep at it.

Hope you can find some peace soon.

Thanks for this big response. Which ones do you use? I will go back to writing 2 positive things down daily. This time I'll keep doing it until it becomes a habit.

 

[stillunemployed]

Another shitty weekend. How do people enjoy these?

 

[arnxxx]

Another shitty weekend. How do people enjoy these?

Most people can enjoy weekends because they dont have to struggle with depression like us... I will go walking with two friends this afternoon. But i feel terrible. I would want to go back to bed and sleep. In my sleep I dont have to feel like this.

 

[HighFlight]

Which ones do you use?

All and none of them.

I'm unable to focus long enough to turn it into a habit. I'm still a believer in this technique in general and would recommend it. The real purpose is to help replace those negative thoughts that come so naturally with conscious positive thoughts.

I've sort of started mapping out an app to help people like me to journal. One of the items on my list of features I want to include is auto-generated positive affirmations based on the journaling content.

I have no idea if, or when I will find the motivation to code it

Another shitty weekend. How do people enjoy these?

I think @arnxxx summed it up pretty well. For me, it's a slower pace. Not having to jump out of bed to take a meeting with someone who is angry with me for something out of my control. A chance to get one or two things done.

What did you do this weekend?

 

[arnxxx]

All and none of them.

I'm unable to focus long enough to turn it into a habit. I'm still a believer in this technique in general and would recommend it. The real purpose is to help replace those negative thoughts that come so naturally with conscious positive thoughts.

I've sort of started mapping out an app to help people like me to journal. One of the items on my list of features I want to include is auto-generated positive affirmations based on the journaling content.

I have no idea if, or when I will find the motivation to code it


I think @arnxxx summed it up pretty well. For me, it's a slower pace. Not having to jump out of bed to take a meeting with someone who is angry with me for something out of my control. A chance to get one or two things done.

What did you do this weekend?

Such an app would be great. Please make sure you share it once youre done.
You can just set a timer every day that reminds you to do the positive affirmation things?

 

[Tesha]

"I'd like to feel a bit better / I'd like to recover"; but half of me is scared of failing and half of me is scared of succeeding.

I think I might hang around the recovery section a bit more than I have previously done, and see what happens.

CPTSD, Recurrent Depressive disorder, mother, in the middle of a divorce, about to lose my house, on longterm sick from my job, undergoing a police investigation into my childhood SA, in and out of hospital over the last four years, self harmer, owner of the 'gold standard' method.

Funny, compassionate, reliable, intelligent, articulate, gay, previously successful, previously financially independent, loving, supportive and was quite good at most sports when younger. Also likes Bonsai Trees.

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

"I'd like to feel a bit better / I'd like to recover"; but half of me is scared of failing and half of me is scared of succeeding.

Your av is terrifying.

 

[HighFlight]

You can just set a timer every day that reminds you to do the positive affirmation things

Well, right now, it's still on the drawing board so I can add thing I want. I do have some thoughts around notifications, just cause I need a reminder to take action. The overall goal was a way to track basic physical metrics following a heart attack. But I want a quick easy way to journal and track my emotions as well. I thought that I could use that data to create a positive affirmation to display on a home page.

"I'd like to feel a bit better / I'd like to recover"; but half of me is scared of failing and half of me is scared of succeeding.

Hello and Welcome. This is a great quote, and a wonderful way to make an entrance. I'm sorry that you're joining us feeling 100% scared, but realize that many of us feel the same way. Hopefully you will come to understand that that you cannot succeed or fail within this thread.

Wow, reading the rest of your post, you've been through a lot. Thank you for sharing. We have much in common. So, you been around SaSu for a long time. What brings you here, now?

Everyone,
We've lost a good friend and one of our more prolific contributors - @sadwriter - for a good reason. They have left SaSu to focus on their recovery efforts. And @UsagiDrop is taking a much deserved break so she can focus on her own health. They were both great at responding and supporting people on this thread. It's great that we have a lot of new users, but I need help in responding to posts

Anyone can do it. If you see something that was posted that you feel you can provide support to the other user, or are curious about something that was said, feel free to add your thoughts. This is a conversation, and you are all welcome to participate.

#BeKindToYourself

 

[Tesha]

Thank you for sharing. We have much in common. So, you been around SaSu for a long time. What brings you here, now?

Thanks for taking the time to respond; I'll have to read more of the thread to discover what we have in common - I'm hoping it's the good stuff and Bonsai trees, but suspect not if you're on this site as well.

I've joined this thread because I'm a fighter, but I'm tired of the fighting I've been doing. I'm constantly having internal negative battles. I'm so self destructive it's become my safe space, a comfortable way to silently self flagellate. The easiest solution now would be the N.

But, I have a number of people, professionals and friends, who haven't given up on me. I have youngish children who depend on me still. I can't do it for myself anymore, but I owe them one final fight - so I'm going to try and see if I can make it a positive fight (for them) and find something to anchor me again.

I find this forum, all sections of it, positive. The off topic section is an outlet, the recovery section can be inspiring, the suicide section sobering. I have been around a long time, but I'm not a prolific poster - however I'm on here most days, learning more about myself via other people's posts.

Writing in this section that I'm looking for recovery is the first step to making it meaningful to me. I don't 'know' anyone here, but this is the first time I've tried to tell others that recovery might be a possibility. Maybe, I'll be brave enough to say it to people I do know at some point. Maybe. But it's scary.

Not sure much of that made sense to anyone else, but it does to me!

I need help in responding to posts

I'll try and help out a bit with responding to others posts if I'm in the right mindset to do so.

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning fellow numbskulls

 

[arnxxx]

Thanks for taking the time to respond; I'll have to read more of the thread to discover what we have in common - I'm hoping it's the good stuff and Bonsai trees, but suspect not if you're on this site as well.

I've joined this thread because I'm a fighter, but I'm tired of the fighting I've been doing. I'm constantly having internal negative battles. I'm so self destructive it's become my safe space, a comfortable way to silently self flagellate. The easiest solution now would be the N.

But, I have a number of people, professionals and friends, who haven't given up on me. I have youngish children who depend on me still. I can't do it for myself anymore, but I owe them one final fight - so I'm going to try and see if I can make it a positive fight (for them) and find something to anchor me again.

I find this forum, all sections of it, positive. The off topic section is an outlet, the recovery section can be inspiring, the suicide section sobering. I have been around a long time, but I'm not a prolific poster - however I'm on here most days, learning more about myself via other people's posts.

Writing in this section that I'm looking for recovery is the first step to making it meaningful to me. I don't 'know' anyone here, but this is the first time I've tried to tell others that recovery might be a possibility. Maybe, I'll be brave enough to say it to people I do know at some point. Maybe. But it's scary.

Not sure much of that made sense to anyone else, but it does to me!



I'll try and help out a bit with responding to others posts if I'm in the right mindset to do so.

Im glad to see you still want to live. What kind of treatment are you having at the moment?