eggsausagerice
last chance for cake! š°āļø he/him
- Apr 21, 2025
- 1,588
this is the third morning my mom has been yelling at my dad and complaining in her native language and waking me up because i stayed up until 5 am due to insomnia. i don't even know what she's complaining about because it's not in english, i just know my dad is tuning her out because he sees her as a mentally ill loner who can't control going on angry rants that everyone can hear throughout the house. i'm glad that me killing myself means i won't have to worry about my mom anymore, but before i die i just want to schedule a text to my dad that they should get divorced because they suffer more being married to each other until they die. but it's taboo because he doesn't want to confront that he's been leeching off my mom for years and avoiding getting a job by working on his master's degree. he recently started working as a counselor, but he still relies on my mom completely for money and when she's annoyed and wants attention from him she starts yelling about how she wants to divorce because she's the only one with a job. and they're just going to do that forever, because no one else in their life can stand them.
i wanted to be aborted and i wanted them to get divorced once i realized what abortion and divorce is. i knew i wasn't wanted and that i was a financial obligation because i was born, and i knew that if they yelled at each other all they time then they don't like each other even when they're acting calm. because they're just going to get mad at each other later and i'll have to listen to it while i'm half asleep. all my other friends have parents that don't act like this. i have the most dysfunctional set of parents out of everyone i know and i wish they were normal so that i wouldn't be embarrassed that they gave birth to me to fulfill some sort of social obligation that i can't understand. every time my mom yells she eventually stops having the energy to keep yelling because no one's paying attention to her. she expects everything to be fine and for no one to hate her when we were forced to listen to her yell for half an hour even if we're in a different part of the house, and we listened to her yell for an hour yesterday. i don't want to be around her even if she's happy or angry because she's in denial about how her behavior affects others. i'm anxious when i'm around her because i don't know if she'll start complaining about something or judging me.
i think that my life might've been better if i was taken by CPS when i was younger, but they infamously do nothing and don't care. nothing that happened when i was young enough to be put into foster care was abusive or violent enough. she stopped living with us for few years after we moved cities and my life's been worse since she came back in 2023. i wish that things could be different or that i could just pack everything in a briefcase and leave, but i have nowhere to go and no one i can rely on. i know that i'm affected by the way my mom treats my dad and that pretty much every relationship i've had has ended because i wanted them to leave me for someone better. i don't think that i'm going to change. my sister doesn't deal with the issues i have and is able to date normally, but i always ghost people so that they realize they never needed me to begin with. i wish that my parents didn't give birth to me if they just hate me. it feels like nothing matters if they could've just left me outside to starve to death when i was young instead of keep raising me out of guilt. they were only afraid that they would get arrested if they left me out for too long. some days i wish that i didn't know what abortion was since i knew that they could've done it and not had me. it was too late to tell them to abort me when i was already born, so i started to wish that one of them or someone outside would kill me so that i would stop being a burden. this feeling has followed me around since i was young, but it's never felt like a real problem if it's too taboo to talk about with anyone. i just know that my parents lives would've been easier if they didn't choose to have me when they were already fighting with each other before i was born.
i wanted to be aborted and i wanted them to get divorced once i realized what abortion and divorce is. i knew i wasn't wanted and that i was a financial obligation because i was born, and i knew that if they yelled at each other all they time then they don't like each other even when they're acting calm. because they're just going to get mad at each other later and i'll have to listen to it while i'm half asleep. all my other friends have parents that don't act like this. i have the most dysfunctional set of parents out of everyone i know and i wish they were normal so that i wouldn't be embarrassed that they gave birth to me to fulfill some sort of social obligation that i can't understand. every time my mom yells she eventually stops having the energy to keep yelling because no one's paying attention to her. she expects everything to be fine and for no one to hate her when we were forced to listen to her yell for half an hour even if we're in a different part of the house, and we listened to her yell for an hour yesterday. i don't want to be around her even if she's happy or angry because she's in denial about how her behavior affects others. i'm anxious when i'm around her because i don't know if she'll start complaining about something or judging me.
i think that my life might've been better if i was taken by CPS when i was younger, but they infamously do nothing and don't care. nothing that happened when i was young enough to be put into foster care was abusive or violent enough. she stopped living with us for few years after we moved cities and my life's been worse since she came back in 2023. i wish that things could be different or that i could just pack everything in a briefcase and leave, but i have nowhere to go and no one i can rely on. i know that i'm affected by the way my mom treats my dad and that pretty much every relationship i've had has ended because i wanted them to leave me for someone better. i don't think that i'm going to change. my sister doesn't deal with the issues i have and is able to date normally, but i always ghost people so that they realize they never needed me to begin with. i wish that my parents didn't give birth to me if they just hate me. it feels like nothing matters if they could've just left me outside to starve to death when i was young instead of keep raising me out of guilt. they were only afraid that they would get arrested if they left me out for too long. some days i wish that i didn't know what abortion was since i knew that they could've done it and not had me. it was too late to tell them to abort me when i was already born, so i started to wish that one of them or someone outside would kill me so that i would stop being a burden. this feeling has followed me around since i was young, but it's never felt like a real problem if it's too taboo to talk about with anyone. i just know that my parents lives would've been easier if they didn't choose to have me when they were already fighting with each other before i was born.
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