canyounotbesad
Member
- Mar 19, 2024
- 35
I got put on anti-depressants, at first it was 100mg and now it's 300mg. I know they're working; instead of having full on depressive episodes I now have LaCroix depression. I know it's there but it's only a faint whiff of it, not enough for me to really be affected, ya know? While I'm grateful the intensity has been turned down, I still have the urge to CTB. It's not as demanding as before but it is still there and, truthfully, it affirms that I am beyond saving. I mean therapy didn't work and medicine doesn't fully work. I hope that, when I can, therapy and medicine will be the combo to help me. I want to feel 'normal', I want to feel the slight buzz I get from 2 drinks where I can still function but I'm relaxed and happy all the time. I don't want to be angry and frustrated and sad all the time. I don't want my neutral days to be plagued with though of CTB. I want to have only happy things to say to my friends and to not burden them with my problems. As it stands, though, I do burden them. My days are plagued by CTB thoughts. I feel like I only feel anger and sadness every day. The bestt anology I have is a campfire.
There is a campfire, and everyone is gathered around, telling stories and laughing. They're all at a comfortable distance from the fire; not too close to burn but not too far to be cold. It's nice and warm. Before I was on medicine I was sitting in the fire and every time I spoke fire and smoke came from my mouth, burning everyone. I was hurting, my friends and family were hurting. On medicine, I feel like I am 20 feet away from everyone. I have a megaphone so I can still talk to the people around the campfire and understand what they say but I feel no warmth. I feel like being outside is pointless at this point. I might as well go home and play a 5-hour campfire video on YouTube and text them; it will give me the same feeling.
I'm appreciative of this site. I'm glad I have a spot to yell into the void and not be yelled back at. I don't have to worry about you finding out who I am or where I live. I don't have to fear consequences that would come if I said this stuff to someone I know or anywhere else online. And you understand. You know what I mean. I don't feel like I've had that before. Like, I had a mental breakdown in high school, to the point the school called home, and no one helped me then. I got yelled at by my parents and told to get therapy. Mind you, I was about 16. No one helped me. No one comforted me. They just yelled at me for not being able to manage. The real kicker, which I find kinda funny, is that my mom went through similar trials. I see her scars. I've heard the stories of how her mom didn't listen to her and how she hated it. Yet she does the same. My family is part of the reason I don't want kids. I don't want to pass down these accursed genes. I don't want to scar someone who had no say in being born. It's wrong and cruel. I don't know where I'm going with this post anymore.... I'll be honest I mainly get on here when I feel really bad, and I've been drinking. Selfish, I know. But, like I said, it helps. Eases my mind even if it's just for a little.
There is a campfire, and everyone is gathered around, telling stories and laughing. They're all at a comfortable distance from the fire; not too close to burn but not too far to be cold. It's nice and warm. Before I was on medicine I was sitting in the fire and every time I spoke fire and smoke came from my mouth, burning everyone. I was hurting, my friends and family were hurting. On medicine, I feel like I am 20 feet away from everyone. I have a megaphone so I can still talk to the people around the campfire and understand what they say but I feel no warmth. I feel like being outside is pointless at this point. I might as well go home and play a 5-hour campfire video on YouTube and text them; it will give me the same feeling.
I'm appreciative of this site. I'm glad I have a spot to yell into the void and not be yelled back at. I don't have to worry about you finding out who I am or where I live. I don't have to fear consequences that would come if I said this stuff to someone I know or anywhere else online. And you understand. You know what I mean. I don't feel like I've had that before. Like, I had a mental breakdown in high school, to the point the school called home, and no one helped me then. I got yelled at by my parents and told to get therapy. Mind you, I was about 16. No one helped me. No one comforted me. They just yelled at me for not being able to manage. The real kicker, which I find kinda funny, is that my mom went through similar trials. I see her scars. I've heard the stories of how her mom didn't listen to her and how she hated it. Yet she does the same. My family is part of the reason I don't want kids. I don't want to pass down these accursed genes. I don't want to scar someone who had no say in being born. It's wrong and cruel. I don't know where I'm going with this post anymore.... I'll be honest I mainly get on here when I feel really bad, and I've been drinking. Selfish, I know. But, like I said, it helps. Eases my mind even if it's just for a little.
