This week was back to college.
Monday I felt the pain of being there and being nothing and for a moment maybe I became something. I felt pissed and sad. I couldn't be at the garden today either. I bet he wouldn't even ask about it later. I'm simply so irrelevant. I gave a leaf to someone I like.
Tuesday I went to the dentist. I was in a cheery mood, I felt cute and silly. Then I was waiting for my bus and I went on sniffies and I wondered about how many guys were in longsight. Long story short, no one chose me on Tuesday and it felt awful. I walked home ashamed, imagining that maybe someone was holding my hand.
I've started staring at my hands more and more, I blink once and then twice and then thrice, my hands ask me what I want to do. But no one else does and there's nothing to be found. There's no hand and there's no warmth. I'm staring back at nothing.
Wednesday. I was back at college. I listened to the new song I found, I felt the many feelings I've been feeling.
I hold myself together so often. I hold my own hand. I push myself and I push myself. My tears fall endlessly, I stare longingly at the places I could fall, the places that could give me my sweet release of death.
It's hard to do it. It's hard to look at those eyes in the mirror. I just want to die. I want someone to hold me.
Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just find comfort in my family? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you? Why does nobody love you?
And yet I remind myself again that "plenty of people care, they just can't care in the way you want and I know that feels awful, but we've just gotta deal. Maybe we'll meet someone who looks at us, the way we look at others."
I sat with my teacher and I felt alone. I felt like I knew what was wrong with me. I had to stare and myself and I know what I was doing.
I left to cry in the forest, I stared back at college many times. Hoping for someone.
I didn't go gardening that day, who would want me there anyway, who would want to see my tears fall, who would want to see that?
Thursday I woke up. I got ready and I went to gardening. I was feeling mute. I felt like if I said anything, I would burst into tears. But would they comfort me? No. They don't have time for me. What's wrong with me.
I had brought my switch, I had realised how painful it felt for them to make their miis and have them on my island. But do they care about my interests and wants and ideas?
He didn't even say hi to me.
I barley got asked about my week. I always seem to be forgotten.
I got out on hosing the plants, I listened the same song as Wednesday and I felt alone. Did no one hear my tears?
I walked off and sat with myself, I talked to myself. I thought about what a lovely day it was. I couldn't matter less on such a lovely day. So why not today? I got drunk. I lied and said I would be drawing in the trees and want to be left alone.
I looked back many times, hoping someone would come over and sit with me. To give me a hug.
No one did.
I set up the rope. I sent out emails.
I stood up and had the noose around my neck, but the pressure on my neck. It felt terrifying. It felt lonely.
Even when drunk, even at my worst, I couldn't do it. It was the end of the show. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I went to the park and sat with a friend.
I didn't feel okay with him either. I didn't feel any better. I eventually went to an adult I trusted and talked to them about all that happened.
I went home.
I did the same thing the next day. I went on sniffies and told many strangers I wanted someone to spend time with me. To hold me. And maybe they could even look at my tomodachi life island. But no one wanted to do that. I was left alone again.
Mum tried helping, of course she did and it angers me even more. What is wrong with me. Why can't I just feel something towards her. I'm always annoyed or angry or civil with her. I simply don't feel good.
I simply feel no warmth for her, that doesn't stop me from appreciating her trying. Her being the only one who would care for me like this. Because I never seem to find it elsewhere.
I must be defective. What could possibly be wrong with me.
I buried myself in the wants and needs of strangers, and I eventually left.
I went to side quests and did the same thing.
I thought about how I'll go to the beach the next day, I'll drink a ton and walk into the ocean.
I thought about it more.
Let's finish up all the things we need to do, let's wrap it up nicely. If we're still left alone. If there's isn't anyone beside us when we goto the beach in our birthday, then I think it's time to end the show.
I thought about writing a cute blog, sending out emails and then drinking a bunch and drowning, or hanging myself again. I'd practice getting used to the pressure of my own hands and other things and maybe I'd be ready for it.
I'd write a cute blog of everyday until my eventual death.
I'd laugh at the people who never saw it coming. Who thought my sudden cheery demeanor wasn't a ruse.
I thought about putting on my best performance until the end.
It's Saturday, I woke up again, and the pain has subsided again, its making me feel less suicidal and it's a horrible feeling. I'm in-between nothing and no one.
I want to die. I want to die. But what's the apprehension, What's the pause. I don't feel fear. So what is it. Is this procrastination?
I went to Asda with mum. I'm thinking of getting my third outfit.
It feels like, no matter what I do, no matter who I talk to, no matter how much I try and grow, no matter how much I push myself.
I fall deeper, yet deeper. No one seems to reach out, my hands scratch and clawing for anyone to pull me out of this endless ocean of sorrow. It seems I always mess up and I always have to pull myself back up. Am I really that unlovable? Part of me has to refuse that.
But then why is it me on my own so often?
Monday I felt the pain of being there and being nothing and for a moment maybe I became something. I felt pissed and sad. I couldn't be at the garden today either. I bet he wouldn't even ask about it later. I'm simply so irrelevant. I gave a leaf to someone I like.
Tuesday I went to the dentist. I was in a cheery mood, I felt cute and silly. Then I was waiting for my bus and I went on sniffies and I wondered about how many guys were in longsight. Long story short, no one chose me on Tuesday and it felt awful. I walked home ashamed, imagining that maybe someone was holding my hand.
I've started staring at my hands more and more, I blink once and then twice and then thrice, my hands ask me what I want to do. But no one else does and there's nothing to be found. There's no hand and there's no warmth. I'm staring back at nothing.
Wednesday. I was back at college. I listened to the new song I found, I felt the many feelings I've been feeling.
I hold myself together so often. I hold my own hand. I push myself and I push myself. My tears fall endlessly, I stare longingly at the places I could fall, the places that could give me my sweet release of death.
It's hard to do it. It's hard to look at those eyes in the mirror. I just want to die. I want someone to hold me.
Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just find comfort in my family? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you? Why does nobody love you?
And yet I remind myself again that "plenty of people care, they just can't care in the way you want and I know that feels awful, but we've just gotta deal. Maybe we'll meet someone who looks at us, the way we look at others."
I sat with my teacher and I felt alone. I felt like I knew what was wrong with me. I had to stare and myself and I know what I was doing.
I left to cry in the forest, I stared back at college many times. Hoping for someone.
I didn't go gardening that day, who would want me there anyway, who would want to see my tears fall, who would want to see that?
Thursday I woke up. I got ready and I went to gardening. I was feeling mute. I felt like if I said anything, I would burst into tears. But would they comfort me? No. They don't have time for me. What's wrong with me.
I had brought my switch, I had realised how painful it felt for them to make their miis and have them on my island. But do they care about my interests and wants and ideas?
He didn't even say hi to me.
I barley got asked about my week. I always seem to be forgotten.
I got out on hosing the plants, I listened the same song as Wednesday and I felt alone. Did no one hear my tears?
I walked off and sat with myself, I talked to myself. I thought about what a lovely day it was. I couldn't matter less on such a lovely day. So why not today? I got drunk. I lied and said I would be drawing in the trees and want to be left alone.
I looked back many times, hoping someone would come over and sit with me. To give me a hug.
No one did.
I set up the rope. I sent out emails.
I stood up and had the noose around my neck, but the pressure on my neck. It felt terrifying. It felt lonely.
Even when drunk, even at my worst, I couldn't do it. It was the end of the show. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I went to the park and sat with a friend.
I didn't feel okay with him either. I didn't feel any better. I eventually went to an adult I trusted and talked to them about all that happened.
I went home.
I did the same thing the next day. I went on sniffies and told many strangers I wanted someone to spend time with me. To hold me. And maybe they could even look at my tomodachi life island. But no one wanted to do that. I was left alone again.
Mum tried helping, of course she did and it angers me even more. What is wrong with me. Why can't I just feel something towards her. I'm always annoyed or angry or civil with her. I simply don't feel good.
I simply feel no warmth for her, that doesn't stop me from appreciating her trying. Her being the only one who would care for me like this. Because I never seem to find it elsewhere.
I must be defective. What could possibly be wrong with me.
I buried myself in the wants and needs of strangers, and I eventually left.
I went to side quests and did the same thing.
I thought about how I'll go to the beach the next day, I'll drink a ton and walk into the ocean.
I thought about it more.
Let's finish up all the things we need to do, let's wrap it up nicely. If we're still left alone. If there's isn't anyone beside us when we goto the beach in our birthday, then I think it's time to end the show.
I thought about writing a cute blog, sending out emails and then drinking a bunch and drowning, or hanging myself again. I'd practice getting used to the pressure of my own hands and other things and maybe I'd be ready for it.
I'd write a cute blog of everyday until my eventual death.
I'd laugh at the people who never saw it coming. Who thought my sudden cheery demeanor wasn't a ruse.
I thought about putting on my best performance until the end.
It's Saturday, I woke up again, and the pain has subsided again, its making me feel less suicidal and it's a horrible feeling. I'm in-between nothing and no one.
I want to die. I want to die. But what's the apprehension, What's the pause. I don't feel fear. So what is it. Is this procrastination?
I went to Asda with mum. I'm thinking of getting my third outfit.
It feels like, no matter what I do, no matter who I talk to, no matter how much I try and grow, no matter how much I push myself.
I fall deeper, yet deeper. No one seems to reach out, my hands scratch and clawing for anyone to pull me out of this endless ocean of sorrow. It seems I always mess up and I always have to pull myself back up. Am I really that unlovable? Part of me has to refuse that.
But then why is it me on my own so often?
