I realized something about myself

[-nobodyknows-]

I noticed something. There are people who I have really hurt me. People who have likely contributed to the way I feel now. And yet, despite that, I do not have any hateful feelings for these people.

When I think about what happened, in every single scenario, I always see myself as the problem. I dont blame others for any of it. But something has been nagging at me: would I be happier if I did?

I have been told on a number of occasions that I have a tendency to turn my negative feelings towards myself. I think there is some truth to this. When I think about people that I know who I don't like, I don't really have anyone in particular. The only person I hate is myself.

Perhaps I ought to blame others. Perhaps I should hate them instead of myself. Maybe it would make me feel better. But there is something inside me, something I don't understand, that prevents me from doing so. For some reason, I just can't convince myself that I was not the problem. That they also did something wrong. I don't really understand it.

However, I cannot help but feel that it is better for me to hate myself instead of others. Hating other people… blaming them for the way things went, and the choices they made… it just doesn't sit right with me. Maybe I am simply too twisted to see anyone other than myself as a problem.

I remember so much, from so long ago. When I tell people about these things, they are often surprised that I still think about such things. That I remember them. I wonder if those people who I knew so long ago remember what happened. I kind of doubt it. I hope they don't.

I cannot help but wonder if this inability to blame anyone other than myself is why I am the way I am.

 

[vercabow]

you must be me, because i feel the exact same thing. the only people who i harbour genuine resent towards are my parents, namely because they CHOSE to have me yet treat me like human garbage. i'm not even anti-natalist but still.


even to those who have groomed and bullied me, i can't say i hate them. do i wish to have nothing to do with them? absolutely. do i wish ill will upon then? can't say so. even to those who have treated me like human garbage.

my reasoning may differ from you though. i'm like this because i dont want to die with a heart full of hate. it just feels wrong to me.

furthermore, blaming myself makes everything easier to accept. it's easier to stomach that you're the one at fault instead of the whole world, because one is fixable and one is inevitable. yet, with that being said, i don't think i will ever change.

perhaps im not being fair to myself, but i don't feel that way at all.

 

[savethesememories]

i feel the same.
for me, personally, it stems from growing up catholic, and being taught that suffering at your own hand equals your humanity.
if you suffer enough, you find penance.
or some bullshit.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Freud said that depression is aggression turned inwards, so that tracks. Some cultures enforce this, particularly in Asia, where the collective is considered more important than the individual. Rocking the boat by expressing personal issues is concerned faux pa.

I had an aggression issue in middle school. My fathers response to that was to give me "Marine training" at 12 years old. So he stood me up, told me he was going to slap me around and scream at me, push me, insult me, and my job was to stand there and take it and not say a word. I'd try to run away; He followed me and kept screaming at me until I starting bashing my fist into the tile floor until they fractured. I still have the line in the knuckles. It worked. I stopped showing the aggression outwardly, so it became a poison inside of me that nearly killed me. After that, depression consumed me for most of my teens leading to some significant SH and addiction.

To him, I was the shitty little brat who just didn't do what he was told. Evil by nature and intentionally choosing sin. To me, he was the tyrant who abused me into destruction. The truth is somewhere in the middle, as usual. That said, I'd say a 42 year old man has a little bit more culpability than a 12 year old...Annnyway:

It's a real thing. There may have been some triggering thing in your past that did the same thing to you, or you grew up in a culture or family that taught you that, as a deeply ingrained barrier. Or maybe you simply learned by yourself that people responded better to you if you took the blame or at least didn't blame them.

You might be happier, but you would also be angrier. And anger is also a poison that destroys us from the inside, too. Those emotions have to be worked through, understood, analyzed, and come to terms with in order to properly be managed. Even then, it's difficult, as we all know. For me, exercise was the key. When I work out, I unleash literal murder on the weights. And I don't tend to think about the same issues as much afterwards.

 

[Worndown]

If people mistreat you, you do not need to have charitable thoughts about them.

Blaming them will not help you. Blame would focus too much of your energy on these people and allows them to take more from you.

Turning these negative experiences inward is equally damaging. I liken it to cutting.(as observed, I never felt that pull)
I cannot say it is best to forget them, like a pothole you just drove through. It is not best to carry them with you, like a stone.

• Personal reflection:
  "Carrying the stone" can be a personal reflection on past hurts, regrets, or unresolved issues that one needs to address and potentially release to move forward.