Venting I lost the race

[catwalk]

Wanted to die since I was 10 or so, always thought I'll keep living juuust in case things get better, or just waste time till I think it really is time to go.
And I suppose things did get better, I was always super obsessed with cars, now I have a car cooler than I ever thought I would get, even a motorbike which always seemed a super out of reach thing. I FINALLY have social confidence, which I always lacked so much, I have the ability to get jobs and quit them when I want, I always thought I would never land a job or if i did - I'd be stuck in it as a slave forever. I even finished school which I thought I never would do, even got a lil extra degree.
And I feel completely miserable, I don't care about any of these things, and talking to people feels like hour 9 of a 12hr shift. I'm 20 now and even 3 or 4 years ago I would've been over the moon about the life I have now - back then I had a bag of SN for 2 or 3 yrs in my dresser and I FORGOT about it. But I feel like I'm too late, I lost the race and I'm done. I still remember it was middle of November a couple yrs ago and I cancelled a meetup with an old classmate because I "felt down" and I've gotten more and more down ever since. The pain of life is too immense. I just sit here getting high and waiting for the tide to take me away :(

 

[fadedghost]

Wanted to die since I was 10 or so, always thought I'll keep living juuust in case things get better, or just waste time till I think it really is time to go.
And I suppose things did get better, I was always super obsessed with cars, now I have a car cooler than I ever thought I would get, even a motorbike which always seemed a super out of reach thing. I FINALLY have social confidence, which I always lacked so much, I have the ability to get jobs and quit them when I want, I always thought I would never land a job or if i did - I'd be stuck in it as a slave forever. I even finished school which I thought I never would do, even got a lil extra degree.
And I feel completely miserable, I don't care about any of these things, and talking to people feels like hour 9 of a 12hr shift. I'm 20 now and even 3 or 4 years ago I would've been over the moon about the life I have now - back then I had a bag of SN for 2 or 3 yrs in my dresser and I FORGOT about it. But I feel like I'm too late, I lost the race and I'm done. I still remember it was middle of November a couple yrs ago and I cancelled a meetup with an old classmate because I "felt down" and I've gotten more and more down ever since. The pain of life is too immense. I just sit here getting high and waiting for the tide to take me away :(

So, it may be hard to believe this, but getting high sometimes changes your baseline.

So like, if your baseline is a 4 out of 10, and you smoke like a few times a week, your baseline goes to a 3, and you're still feeling sort of okay when smoking, and it becomes harder to give up getting high.

When you give up drugs and alcohol, it takes at least 3 months, at least, to get any sort of normal baseline. You have to suffer for 3 months to get your baseline higher.

If you want to white knuckle it, you can detox on your own, but if detoxing from pot, please be careful because going from super strong intense THC to zero THC sometimes shocks the brain in a horrible way and sometimes people lose it. If you detox from pot, detox slowly at first (reduce your consumption) and then either go to rehab or go cold turkey. If you can't do it, you could learn to go hiking, and go hiking for a week in a remote place that's a long walk from society and take like 3 joints, so at a certain point you'll run out and have to have like 3 to 4 days with nothing. After that, you could take a plane to an area where you don't have a dealer and pot is illegal.

Look, I am not saying drugs aren't fun. Drugs are awesome and super fun. The problem is that they spike your neurochemicals and your neurons, in an effort to protect themselves from cell death (if you stimulate a brain cell too much it dies from excitotoxicity), decrease the number of receptor sites to accept neurochemicals, so it becomes harder to stimulate neurons. Then sometimes your brain will boost all neurotransmitters to deal with neurons needing more neutrotransmitters to activate (because of fewer recptor sites as a result of sublimation from getting high) and everything gets out of whack as a result.

This happens to a lot of people who get stoned all the time. Pot is awesome and feels great. You don't have to give it up, but you probably should. It's almost certainly contributing to your emotional state.

There are also places that can help like Narcotic Anonymous (but most groups have a religious aspect to them) and Smart Recovery (although a lot of people just go to that to get court paperwork signed).

I'm also not saying you should stop drugs forever. Just... like what about at least 4 months of total sobriety? Just for your brain to get back to baseline?

Sorry, sobriety absolutely sucks, but you should be sober for a while. It's very likely you were depressed a kid due to no power and an awful situation and no money, and now, you got what you want, and feel bad because of drugs messing up your neurochemistry.

I could be totally fucking wrong however and maybe you don't get high 3-4 times a week.