immolation
mensajera de la santa muerte
- Oct 31, 2025
- 25
I had the perfect opportunity to kill myself and I just didn't fucking take it. I'm so pissed. I was hiking alone, in a place people don't really go and EMT's can't get to easily. There was a huge drop that would've definitely killed me. And all I did was fucking sit and look down. I was literally going to do it , and I decided against it because I was "high and not thinking right". And now I'll never see that cliff again.
And my life is such a mess that even if I did kill myself it would fuck up everything for the people around me, and my only option now is the ligature strangulation, which I can't even test because I'm homeless and couch surfing so I'm never alone. I'm probably gonna have to move states again, which I was optimistic about at first, but looking back it only ever makes things worse and I always end up back in the same shit town.
I have to wait at least 2 weeks because my friend invited me to her birthday and I'm gonna feel evil if it miss it because I'm dead. And I can't even rot in my depression in the meantime because we have so many plans leading up to it. I have a psych appointment soon, which is my only chance at getting help, but I'm like 100% a danger to myself so if I'm at all honest I'm getting put back in the hospital, missing my friends birthday, and causing job problems.
My future is so fucked, my bipolar disorder is ruining everything, and I keep isolating myself from everyone I care about and then getting upset when nobody notices I'm struggling. I just had a full manic episode followed by an immediate depressive crash, and I've been hallucinating again which means I'm probably in the prodromal phase of another psychosis episode. Overall feeling lonely and crazy as fuck and ready to die.
And my life is such a mess that even if I did kill myself it would fuck up everything for the people around me, and my only option now is the ligature strangulation, which I can't even test because I'm homeless and couch surfing so I'm never alone. I'm probably gonna have to move states again, which I was optimistic about at first, but looking back it only ever makes things worse and I always end up back in the same shit town.
I have to wait at least 2 weeks because my friend invited me to her birthday and I'm gonna feel evil if it miss it because I'm dead. And I can't even rot in my depression in the meantime because we have so many plans leading up to it. I have a psych appointment soon, which is my only chance at getting help, but I'm like 100% a danger to myself so if I'm at all honest I'm getting put back in the hospital, missing my friends birthday, and causing job problems.
My future is so fucked, my bipolar disorder is ruining everything, and I keep isolating myself from everyone I care about and then getting upset when nobody notices I'm struggling. I just had a full manic episode followed by an immediate depressive crash, and I've been hallucinating again which means I'm probably in the prodromal phase of another psychosis episode. Overall feeling lonely and crazy as fuck and ready to die.
