Help I hate living and I just want to speak to some people

[YISDISBAD]

I don't want to get into the logistics on what got me to become so suicidal.
But

Man
I joined 2 days ago
I'm fighting the urge to SN.
Why shouldn't I
Because the only reason on why Ive pushed for so long throughout the years
Is because I'm Christian.
I want to so badly
I know we aren't supposed to be envious. But the only people I envy. Are dead
Because they don't need to deal with life anymore. It truly feels like life is done. I don't know how to explain it man.
I'm literally turning 20 in 2 weeks. How can it be over.

But
For those users who arent gonna do whatever to themselves. What keeps you here.

Man I hate it here
I'm fighting the tears so badly rn as we speak
Why did I have to be born
I was born via IVF too so I'm literally not even supposed to be here in the first place.

 

[rest2love]

Hey dude we can chat if you want. I'll send you a conversation if you want to try to stay alive or just talk.

 

[2muchpain2]

you can chat with me too!
As for why I'm here still here is because it's so damn hard to ctb (catch the bus). AND because there are some people in my life who love me and I don't want to hurt them. But in the meanwhile I'm hurting and it's torture to just live.

 

[tonicer]

I turn 43 soon and the only reason i am still alive is my mom. She turns 80 next year and she might not make it to 90 which means in the next ten or so years my time is up and if nothing changes for me until then i have no reason or purpose to continue this daily grind. Each morning i fight my way out of bed. I wanted to end it all when i was around 15 but i didn't because my mom was in a bad place and i couldn't hurt her by leaving her alone. I know very well how you feel and i don't know of a solution either. I guess we are all cursed somehow by something.

 

[YISDISBAD]

you can chat with me too!
As for why I'm here still here is because it's so damn hard to ctb (catch the bus). AND because there are some people in my life who love me and I don't want to hurt them. But in the meanwhile I'm hurting and it's torture to just live.

Same.
But as bad as it sounds. Even tho Mh family have been through enough with when my brother passed away. I feel as if I have zero sympathy in a way for them. Not like theyre bad people. My dad isnt the greatest tho.
But I feel as if I could CTB without any feeling.
For reference.
I had done something which could've (not shouldve but could've)
Caused something to happen.
And as we all know already
nothing ever happens. And I'm ok. My friend was aware of the potential risk and he almost chickened out and went a far safer route.
But me. I was just thinking about the actual experience and if I was to die, so be it.