Venting love is dead, sex is dead, and i wish i was too

[faraway_sayu]

the man who i have spent the last 9 months of my life stuck in a complicated situationship with is officially shagging someone else. he's technically not cheating on me, so i'm not allowed to be upset about it. he doesn't even know that i know, so he's completely oblivious to why i can't bear to speak to him right now.

i'm not supposed to be hurt but i am. every relationship i've ever had has been the same. i get attached to someone who fills a void, whose house i can escape to, who will act like they sort of like me. then i get too attached and when it inevitably goes to shit, it destroys me. then we split up, i am horrifically depressed, then i find someone else and the cycle repeats. if this is my life— never being chosen first, never being wanted, never being enough for anyone, then why don't i just save myself the pain and end it now?

i don't know how much longer i can take this. i don't believe in love anymore. i've never felt it. i look around and see a loveless world. even couples i know who are married or have children together are miserable, settling for each other when deep down they resent each other. two of my distant friends are engaged, they have a son. the more i get to know them, the more i see how unhappy they are. there's no hope.

there's no intimacy. every time i thought i felt it i was wrong. sex is awful. maybe it's me. i always want it until it's happening. i get too emotional. maybe that's why he's fucking someone else now.

i know the logical solution is just to be single, but i don't know how. i need that distraction. i need him because i don't have anyone else. i wish i was a strong woman who was happy without a man. i try to convince myself i am, but clearly i'm not. as soon as i feel him fading from me i'm back here again.

 

[Wojaczek]

everything fucking sucks

 

[faraway_sayu]

everything fucking sucks

it really does.

 

[Wojaczek]

it really does.

everything is a total letdown
i want to fucking die

 

[faraway_sayu]

everything is a total letdown
i want to fucking die

it's true. there is nothing in life that hasn't disappointed me. it sounds trivial but i hope you are okay, or that one day you will be. either way i wish u peace :(

 

[interna]

im sorry. people are egoistical cruel assholes

 

[faraway_sayu]

im sorry. people are egoistical cruel assholes

we truly are the worst creatures. thank you

 

[_Gollum_]

I'm also in a situationship, I feel your pain :\ I also feel that love does not exist, especially within men. You are absolutely allowed to be upset about him sleeping with someone else even if you guys were never "official." Sex can be noncommittal, but it is NEVER casual, given the wide range of physical and emotional consequences it brings with it.

A word to the wise, if you know you're someone who gets attached easily, make sex conditional on the fulfillment of some basic obligations, even if it's not a full relationship. Otherwise men will just pump and dump. My situationship is conditional on physical monogamy (he's allowed to talk to other people) and seeing eachother at least once every two weeks. It never fully does away with the pain of knowing I'm worthless, undesirable, and replaceable to him, but it makes it a lot more manageable because there's at least some stability and reliability.

Regardless sorry you're going through with this. I think love and sex are some of the worst aspects of human life.

 

[byec560]

It really is quite brutal. I was in a committed relationship for 6 years with someone who I truly considered marrying. She didn't really have any male friends for most of the time I knew her. The second she started hanging out with one, single, individual man who was into women (not saying heterosexual because I think he was bi?) I was gonzo. I thought I was special but in the end I was just the only option, and the second a single other option was available she jumped ship. I think about her everyday, meanwhile she doesn't give the tiniest fuck about me. I just know that even if somebody gives me a chance again (I've been in a dry spell for almost a year and a half) they'll just leave the second something else comes up. Meanwhile, everyone I know in a relationship lowkey seems to have nothing but hate and contempt for their partner. Pisses me the fuck off. There's truly nothing to look forward to in life.

I'm also in a situationship, I feel your pain :\ I also feel that love does not exist, especially within men. You are absolutely allowed to be upset about him sleeping with someone else even if you guys were never "official." Sex can be noncommittal, but it is NEVER casual, given the wide range of physical and emotional consequences it brings with it.

A word to the wise, if you know you're someone who gets attached easily, make sex conditional on the fulfillment of some basic obligations, even if it's not a full relationship. Otherwise men will just pump and dump. My situationship is conditional on physical monogamy (he's allowed to talk to other people) and seeing eachother at least once every two weeks. It never fully does away with the pain of knowing I'm worthless, undesirable, and replaceable to him, but it makes it a lot more manageable because there's at least some stability and reliability.

Regardless sorry you're going through with this. I think love and sex are some of the worst aspects of human life.

Honestly, if he has the option to just pursue other women at will it sounds like you're pulling dudes who are relatively desirable?

the man who i have spent the last 9 months of my life stuck in a complicated situationship with is officially shagging someone else. he's technically not cheating on me, so i'm not allowed to be upset about it. he doesn't even know that i know, so he's completely oblivious to why i can't bear to speak to him right now.

i'm not supposed to be hurt but i am. every relationship i've ever had has been the same. i get attached to someone who fills a void, whose house i can escape to, who will act like they sort of like me. then i get too attached and when it inevitably goes to shit, it destroys me. then we split up, i am horrifically depressed, then i find someone else and the cycle repeats. if this is my life— never being chosen first, never being wanted, never being enough for anyone, then why don't i just save myself the pain and end it now?

i don't know how much longer i can take this. i don't believe in love anymore. i've never felt it. i look around and see a loveless world. even couples i know who are married or have children together are miserable, settling for each other when deep down they resent each other. two of my distant friends are engaged, they have a son. the more i get to know them, the more i see how unhappy they are. there's no hope.

there's no intimacy. every time i thought i felt it i was wrong. sex is awful. maybe it's me. i always want it until it's happening. i get too emotional. maybe that's why he's fucking someone else now.

i know the logical solution is just to be single, but i don't know how. i need that distraction. i need him because i don't have anyone else. i wish i was a strong woman who was happy without a man. i try to convince myself i am, but clearly i'm not. as soon as i feel him fading from me i'm back here again.

It's crazy the amount of people I meet who literally say stuff like "the fact that I'm marrying him shows how low my standards are." I'm always like, okay? Don't get married then? Desperation is a hell of a drug.

 

[violetforever]

everything everyones said in this thread is so real. im too overwhelmed with wanting to kill myself over this topic to add much of my own words but i agree with it all.

i dont get why threads about romantic love and relationships kind of get overlooked or seen as a "dramatic" reason to ctb. to me its like the most i will ever give myself to someone ever, mind and body, so when its betrayed, yeah i want to kill myself over the impact it has. my entire existence feels crushed. its the most understandable reason to ctb for me…what more is there to live for when you find out so much of what being a human is about is just painful and flawed? love is making me and everyone i come across miserable. i lack all eloquence but i hope i got my point across

 

[byec560]

everything everyones said in this thread is so real. im too overwhelmed with wanting to kill myself over this topic to add much of my own words but i agree with it all.

i dont get why threads about romantic love and relationships kind of get overlooked or seen as a "dramatic" reason to ctb. to me its like the most i will ever give myself to someone ever, mind and body, so when its betrayed, yeah i want to kill myself over the impact it has. my entire existence feels crushed. its the most understandable reason to ctb for me…what more is there to live for when you find out so much of what being a human is about is just painful and flawed? love is making me and everyone i come across miserable. i lack all eloquence but i hope i got my point across

I get you for sure. I've never understood the "erm why do you care so much?" or the "learn to be happy alone" lines. Humans are fundamentally social creatures so knowing that I'll never have that need met really hurts. Why would I want to live in a world where everybody just hates each other? What would I do all day? Jerk off? Play video games? Truly senseless stuff.

 

[enjoytheride]

the man who i have spent the last 9 months of my life stuck in a complicated situationship with is officially shagging someone else. he's technically not cheating on me, so i'm not allowed to be upset about it. he doesn't even know that i know, so he's completely oblivious to why i can't bear to speak to him right now.

i'm not supposed to be hurt but i am. every relationship i've ever had has been the same. i get attached to someone who fills a void, whose house i can escape to, who will act like they sort of like me. then i get too attached and when it inevitably goes to shit, it destroys me. then we split up, i am horrifically depressed, then i find someone else and the cycle repeats. if this is my life— never being chosen first, never being wanted, never being enough for anyone, then why don't i just save myself the pain and end it now?

i don't know how much longer i can take this. i don't believe in love anymore. i've never felt it. i look around and see a loveless world. even couples i know who are married or have children together are miserable, settling for each other when deep down they resent each other. two of my distant friends are engaged, they have a son. the more i get to know them, the more i see how unhappy they are. there's no hope.

there's no intimacy. every time i thought i felt it i was wrong. sex is awful. maybe it's me. i always want it until it's happening. i get too emotional. maybe that's why he's fucking someone else now.

i know the logical solution is just to be single, but i don't know how. i need that distraction. i need him because i don't have anyone else. i wish i was a strong woman who was happy without a man. i try to convince myself i am, but clearly i'm not. as soon as i feel him fading from me i'm back here again.

You are going through something really painful, I am very sorry. I was going to suggest that you consider finding another passion in life - if possible, be it work, studies, a hobby, a sport, arts, religion as a way to center your routine and your thoughts around something other than the person. Or even moving to a different city, where you could meet new people and have different opportunities.

But then I remembered that for the past months it has been incredibly difficult for me to focus on living my life relying on work and studies, or a hobby, for fulfilment. Recently I had a brief romantic encounter with someone who made me feel desired as I had never felt before, and that opened the wound even more, as I failed to lay the ground for a relationship when that person gave the gentlest hints that they wanted to build something in time (although before we met it was supposed to be casual).

So the point is, especially if one's life presents constant hardships and people around us tend to be cold and selfish (as in my workplace), it is only natural that we seek tenderness and warmth. More than that, it seems like the only ointment that can soothe and cure the wound.

@byec560 is absolutely right! We are social beings, we need to be with others, to feel that fair amount of validation and warmth.

It takes an incredible amount of self-discipline to achieve a state of stoicism where you feel self-sufficient and not in need of company. It is achievable and can bring some peace. In the past it gradually turned me in a man-machine, capable of empathy and helping others, but not truly feeling and seeing the colors of life.

So maybe the solution in your case is to both try to focus on something else (as much as it is possible), and start looking for a different partner, one that you see will not treat you as an option from the very beginning, but as someone they are willing to invest in from the start. Maybe also try to understand why you always happen to be with that type of men, when there are other types too, caring and attentive (I would unhumbly include myself in this category). Maybe there's a pattern in your subconscious that you can become aware of and then effectively be able to change the course of things.

Surely, there is more fool's gold than true gold. The same goes for love. Really hard to find, but maybe worth looking for. As much as it sounds a cliché we all need to start by loving ourselves first, being more compassionate and less punitive to ourselves.

Kind regards!

 

[likeacatinthedark]

oh gosh you have no idea how much I relate to this right now. I suppose there should be some sort of comfort in knowing we aren't the only ones experiencing this, but honestly that feels ridiculous cuz no one should have to experience this. it's so awful. I truly just need to escape, and I'm afraid that escape doesn't seem to be possible in this world, or this life.

 

[junctionbox]

fucking yeah. love and feelings and relationships can be so cruel. :( situationships especially can hurt like no other because you tend not to get closure, and there are always hopes and what ifs. horrible to think about how much time, energy and thoughts you can spend on someone who seemingly doesn't care even nearly in the same capacity. personally i hate how quickly my brain jumps to warm feelings and dream scenarios, then it twists itself dry overthinking and catastrophizing and spirals into suicidal thoughts in like a millisecond. BUT... i try to help myself by thinking that part of humanity is hurting, and learning, and surviving. we have to try to be gentle with ourselves, the love we feel is a beautiful thing and should be protected. i want to think that love can be found anywhere. maybe we can try to treat ourselves with the same love and grace we give these trifling bitches that we fall for. :D anyway it's difficult and man do i feel your pain.

 

[_Gollum_]

Honestly, if he has the option to just pursue other women at will it sounds like you're pulling dudes who are relatively desirable?

Semi-true. When he was in university he was one of the only straight guys in his liberal arts program, so it used to be raining women for him. In his entire adult life (he's 32 now) the longest he's gone without sex is a few months. (Compared to six years for me). Ever since he left uni though, he doesn't have as many options. So the only reason he entertains me for a second is because he has few options, low standards, and a high sex drive.

i dont get why threads about romantic love and relationships kind of get overlooked or seen as a "dramatic" reason to ctb. to me its like the most i will ever give myself to someone ever, mind and body, so when its betrayed, yeah i want to kill myself over the impact it has. my entire existence feels crushed. its the most understandable reason to ctb for me…what more is there to live for when you find out so much of what being a human is about is just painful and flawed? love is making me and everyone i come across miserable. i lack all eloquence but i hope i got my point across

Agreed. Even on here, a "pro-choice" suicide forum, people will regularly get discouraged from CTBing over love. I can understand why that's the case--most people do indeed get over breakups--but the suffering can be so intense and acute that it can outweigh any future goods. My experience with unrequited love six years ago changed me forever and it would've been better for me to have CTB'd then. It took me like five years to even get to the point where I could say I was "over" him. My experience is not unique; these things aren't trivial.

 

[bhaloo]

'm fucking worthless. I don't deserve love or sex anyway. it was meant for others

 

[violetforever]

I get you for sure. I've never understood the "erm why do you care so much?" or the "learn to be happy alone" lines. Humans are fundamentally social creatures so knowing that I'll never have that need met really hurts. Why would I want to live in a world where everybody just hates each other? What would I do all day? Jerk off? Play video games? Truly senseless stuff.

i see people on here who have and havent experienced love want to ctb over it. its just a need everyone can feel and be depressed over no matter the circumstances. neither is more valid than the other when they both come down to the same thing. i wont lie and say im perfectly secure with myself and happy alone but when i have moments where i do feel like that sometimes i just think "but wouldnt it be so much better to share and feel like this with someone?!". well then i remember how it really is. all the senseless stuff will never compare either.

Agreed. Even on here, a "pro-choice" suicide forum, people will regularly get discouraged from CTBing over love. I can understand why that's the case--most people do indeed get over breakups--but the suffering can be so intense and acute that it can outweigh any future goods. My experience with unrequited love six years ago changed me forever and it would've been better for me to have CTB'd then. It took me like five years to even get to the point where I could say I was "over" him. My experience is not unique; these things aren't trivial.

having my heart broken actually feels like my brain chemistry was altered for the worst. it must be the individual and im one of the weak ones because i cant bear the pain lol. there was a short period i thought i was over it then it came back so much wooooorse. im not the same person in some ways, it ruined me. i hate that you had a similar experience and know the feeling im sorry :c

 

[Kokonoe]

true. closest thing to a soulmate i've ever had (i don't particularly think soulmates exist, but i've never connected with someone else like i have with her) always kept me as her "second priority". we only dated for like a week. then tried again but it never worked out. she left me for the same person twice. someone who has been horrible and somewhat abusive to me for a long time. and she fucks all of her friends despite being in a relationship. just all of them. has for as long as i've known her. it's so disgusting and depressing. she even says "sex is just an activity, on the same level as playing cards or going out to lunch with someone." disgusting.
and yet she still insists i'm important to her, important to her like no other, that she loves me so much, that she always will love me, that we'll spend the rest of our lives together, that i won't die alone because she'll be there, etc etc etc. all false bullshit that she just keeps up so she can still fuck me and still feel close while she keeps fucking everyone else because i'm not good enough and never could've been good enough, no matter how hard i tried. and even worse, i usually have to hear about it. i hate it so much. i can't escape her. i'm stuck with her no matter what i do. i want to die.

love is dead.

 

[SASU-KE]

disgusting and depressing. she even says "sex is just an activity, on the same level as playing cards or going out to lunch with someone." disgusting.
and yet she still insists i'm important to her, important to her like no other, that she loves me so much, that she always will love me, that we'll spend the rest of our lives together, that i won't die alone because she'll be there, etc etc etc

Unfortunately, some people are wired to be loyal. You seem to have that trait. You have strong attachment to her that she doesn't deserve . It seems like she is stringing you along.

But I hope at some point she can recognize you,change and reciprocate the love you deserve.