Venting a thread for when i want to rant, vent, and feel like i want to be dead

[yellowdangerinesss]

not really sure where i am at this point. i'm still recovering from my od a month ago, something that i shouldn't have survived have i implemented better measures. well… i wouldn't have made that choice had i not gone back to him. if i didn't respond to his messages back in january and let him lure me in his unpredictability and abusive nature, i probably wouldn't have fallen back into this pit i'm in. realizing that he probably never loved me and that the reason why he always suspected i was lying and hiding things was because he was projecting all this time. the abuse i've gone through the past two years has made its mark. his voice is in my head, saying nasty and berating words constantly that all i could think of as a solution is killing myself to shut it up. i don't want to give him the satisfaction but at the same time, it's getting exhausting fighting. too many factors, too many things to consider, too many, too many.

i don't want to hurt people and i don't want to hurt anymore