Venting I failed CTB, now I feel like a loser and I’m even more scared to live

[princeseadove]

I don't know what happened. Well I do. I didnt do my method (partial suspension) correctly, and I was in so much pain I had to stop because clearly it wasn't working. Now I just feel like a loser. I can't draw, I can't write, I can't even be enough when it comes to academics. I can't kill my self either? I don't know.

I was so so upset, thag I couldn't sleep at night, but I was so tired I couldn't try again with a more revised method. I'm just scared. I'm scared of not dying. Isn't that fucked? I was so so scared of having to live another week, and another, and another, I felt like a baby having a panic attack trying to lull myself to sleep so I can have the energy to kill myself. I ended up imagining myself cutting my wrists, my arms, what not, with a cute box cutter so I could calm down.

I feel like a loser. No one expects me to do it. No one believes me. And I just want to show them, show them I can actually do something for once in my fucking life. I am so tired. I can't live, under no circumstances can I live. I have no one, and the few people who are here don't understand or just arent here or just don't care. The one person who I talk to everyday cant give me any thoughtful conversation, and doesn't believe I'll do it. Someone ended up ghosting me as soon as I showed I was ill, three did, and it's really the end for me. The other two, it's just a ticking time bomb. Theyll do the same, just drop as soon as they realize it's not something they can fix and I don't want fixing.

I'm a terrible person. They believe I'm so good and kind, but really, I can't trust anyone. I hate everyone, and most importantly myself.

I cannot live.

 

[deadbidaylight]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting and feel alone in your pain. Not being taken seriously or even being truly listened to makes it even worse because it makes you feel like you are worthless. You are not worthless. You and your life is valuable. I know it's hard to believe, but you matter. And you are not alone.

Don't beat yourself up over the unsuccessful attempt. Partial hanging is very hard to do successfully. A lot of people practice many times before feeling confident, if at all.

I've chosen full suspension hanging when and if my time comes for this very reason. My SI is too high to follow through with partial. Even if I do it wrong, I'll suffer longer but it will still kill me in the end. I'm not telling you that what you should do, just my own thoughts for my own mortality.

Hang in there, and give yourself some grace. Not being able to CTB absolutely does not make you a failure.

 

[princeseadove]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting and feel alone in your pain. Not being taken seriously or even being truly listened to makes it even worse because it makes you feel like you are worthless. You are not worthless. You and your life is valuable. I know it's hard to believe, but you matter. And you are not alone.

Don't beat yourself up over the unsuccessful attempt. Partial hanging is very hard to do successfully. A lot of people practice many times before feeling confident, if at all.

I've chosen full suspension hanging when and if my time comes for this very reason. My SI is too high to follow through with partial. Even if I do it wrong, I'll suffer longer but it will still kill me in the end. I'm not telling you that what you should do, just my own thoughts for my own mortality.

Hang in there, and give yourself some grace. Not being able to CTB absolutely does not make you a failure.

I just feel so so overwhelmed, thinking about having to drag this out. I'm thankful for this forum, where my choice isn't so scrutinized and looked down upon. I'll be trying to practice and research in the meantime, I'm just scared of work catching up to me, and graduating, seeing other people. I just can't. Thank you so much for this reply, hearing your experience gives me some comfort at least

 

[deadbidaylight]

The overwhelm is a real thing, especially in the midst of a crisis after a "failed attempt." You're likely spiraling right now and don't know how to go forward.

If I can offer you any advice, take it hour by hour, day by day. Take a shower, put on some fresh pjs, and make a snack and watch a favourite tv show or movie. Just relax as best you can and decompress. You need some self care and self love right now more than anything, and I think you deserve that after such a shitty experience where you're left beating yourself up.

Take what happened as a learning experience rather than a fail. Taking your own life is the hardest thing you'll ever do. If it were easy, a lot of us would already be gone. It's not a race, and it also doesn't have to be the final solution if you have something to still hang onto.

Please take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you.