Venting I don’t want to just EXIST

[spicerymer]

I've come out the worst depressive episode so far, which was from December to around a month ago. So yeh, I'm not depressed anymore but fuck me I still feel so fucking pathetic. I am now just this sorry excuse of a human life, stuck in a meaningless existence that consists of the most unfulfilling tasks, except I have no goal? Surely tasks are to achieve something but I am just doing things because that's what existing is. I go to the gym, I go to work I come home and go for a walk for my 'mental health' so that I don't want to kill myself every day and yeh I don't think about killing myself as much but I'm not exactly enjoying myself just living in this cycle of being. I am so embarrassed and I am so uninspired. I cringe at the thought of people looking at me and thinking what I already know to be true- that I really am just such a waste of space. My poor mum must be so exhausted of having to deal with such an embarrassment for a child. I am such a failure and I don't want to be alive if this is all I amount to. This can't be it

 

[sambrosia]

These thoughts go through my head everyday lately... I am an embarrassment and failure. I also don't do much. Work, home, be sad, repeat. I don't know how to live different. I don't have anything of value to contribute to anyone or anything. I hate myself.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I've come out the worst depressive episode so far, which was from December to around a month ago. So yeh, I'm not depressed anymore but fuck me I still feel so fucking pathetic. I am now just this sorry excuse of a human life, stuck in a meaningless existence that consists of the most unfulfilling tasks, except I have no goal? Surely tasks are to achieve something but I am just doing things because that's what existing is. I go to the gym, I go to work I come home and go for a walk for my 'mental health' so that I don't want to kill myself every day and yeh I don't think about killing myself as much but I'm not exactly enjoying myself just living in this cycle of being. I am so embarrassed and I am so uninspired. I cringe at the thought of people looking at me and thinking what I already know to be true- that I really am just such a waste of space. My poor mum must be so exhausted of having to deal with such an embarrassment for a child. I am such a failure and I don't want to be alive if this is all I amount to. This can't be it

I feel your pain minus your mom caring. Mine doesn't. Buf yeah I was in medical school when I was the victim of crimes. Illegally forced out in good academic standing due to no fault of my own. A life's work in flames. Ive applied to 1000+ jobs i literally can't get anything. Even minimum wage i have a bachelor's.... It's like that was stolen too. I have 200k in debt so more schooling is out of the question. It feels like im stuck in stasis just existing in a torturous state without help while others mock it. My day is much the same long runs, lifts, and try to keep myself stimulated. That's about it. It's not lack of inspiration, it's just lack of opportunities. Like friendships, family, my career, and whatever else they dried up too.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I've come out the worst depressive episode so far, which was from December to around a month ago. So yeh, I'm not depressed anymore but fuck me I still feel so fucking pathetic. I am now just this sorry excuse of a human life, stuck in a meaningless existence that consists of the most unfulfilling tasks, except I have no goal? Surely tasks are to achieve something but I am just doing things because that's what existing is. I go to the gym, I go to work I come home and go for a walk for my 'mental health' so that I don't want to kill myself every day and yeh I don't think about killing myself as much but I'm not exactly enjoying myself just living in this cycle of being. I am so embarrassed and I am so uninspired. I cringe at the thought of people looking at me and thinking what I already know to be true- that I really am just such a waste of space. My poor mum must be so exhausted of having to deal with such an embarrassment for a child. I am such a failure and I don't want to be alive if this is all I amount to. This can't be it

Listen, the way you talk to yourself is much more important than the way anyone else talks to you.
But every inside voice was once an outside voice,
And you deserve to know your worth, but I can tell you're going through some dysmorphia whether it's physical or mental, you're not seeing yourself as a phoenix but a Man on Fire. And I'm assuming you're a man so I apologize if I'm wording this wrong, but although you don't know me, and I don't really know you either, you're my brother or my sister and now you're a little less alone.

All it takes is one random act of kindness to remind yourself that you're worth it.

 

[SmilingNoMore]

I'm sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I have similar struggles to accept that there could be anything good about me, and I was recently taught by someone that I am actually lovable (by this person). It's difficult to accept when a person feels worthless, or not worthy, that just as we see good in others with their flaws, so can they see good in us too. The fact that you are not happy with yourself and don't accept this existence as it is, show that you care. It's hard to find something in this existence worth staying for, especially once ctb has been decided at some point. You are a strong person and got through a depression, well done. Know that you are not alone in this, and be kind to yourself, you deserve more kindness and less judgement. Sending hugs your way.