I don’t have the energy to treat my boyfriend right

[burninghill]

I have fallen into a depressive episode in the last two weeks and honestly, talking to my boyfriend has become a huge chore. He's very affectionate and clingy, which I usually love, but I feel so suffocated and gross. I don't want him to touch or smother me.

I've been snappy and unenthusiastic with me recently, he says it's fine but it isn't really. It's not fair on him.

Though, he isn't perfect either. He doesn't seem overly concerned about the fact I've been open about being depressed and exhausted and getting drunk every day, he doesn't seem concerned about my relapse into self harm, which he does know about.

I am going out with him tomorrow which I am honestly dreading. I don't want to have to behave like a person. He invited me over to his house afterwards but I came up with some excuse because I can't imagine being percieved for that fucking long right now.

I can only imagine what he's thinking. That I'm distancing myself from him because I hate him. I don't know. I can't be bothered to change it.

 

[thefirstluminary]

I have fallen into a depressive episode in the last two weeks and honestly, talking to my boyfriend has become a huge chore. He's very affectionate and clingy, which I usually love, but I feel so suffocated and gross. I don't want him to touch or smother me.

I've been snappy and unenthusiastic with me recently, he says it's fine but it isn't really. It's not fair on him.

Though, he isn't perfect either. He doesn't seem overly concerned about the fact I've been open about being depressed and exhausted and getting drunk every day, he doesn't seem concerned about my relapse into self harm, which he does know about.

I am going out with him tomorrow which I am honestly dreading. I don't want to have to behave like a person. He invited me over to his house afterwards but I came up with some excuse because I can't imagine being percieved for that fucking long right now.

I can only imagine what he's thinking. That I'm distancing myself from him because I hate him. I don't know. I can't be bothered to change it.

Why are you with him in the first place then? If you don't bother to give time or energy to your boyfriend, why are you wasting his time and all of his efforts? You are just draining his sanity at this point. You are going to completely ruin him he shows all this love and you just throw it all away without giving a single fuck about him. Do you think saying you love him here, without showing any signs of it, will help? Trust me, it will not

 

[burninghill]

Why are you with him in the first place then? If you don't bother to give time or energy to your boyfriend, why are you wasting his time and all of his efforts? You are just draining his sanity at this point. You are going to completely ruin him he shows all this love and you just throw it all away without giving a single fuck about him. Do you think saying you love him here, without showing any signs of it, will help? Trust me, it will not

I got with him at a time when I was trying to do better and had my eyes on self-improvement and rebuilding my life. I love him a lot and wanted to give us a chance, because I know that that's what he wanted to (even moreso than me). I do give a fuck about him, but I'm tired and overwhelmed and exhausted. I tell him that I love him all of the time and I apologise for being distant. I should break up with him but I'm too much of a coward. I will be dead soon anyway.

 

[thefirstluminary]

I got with him at a time when I was trying to do better and had my eyes on self-improvement and rebuilding my life. I love him a lot and wanted to give us a chance, because I know that that's what he wanted to (even moreso than me). I do give a fuck about him, but I'm tired and overwhelmed and exhausted. I tell him that I love him all of the time and I apologise for being distant. I should break up with him but I'm too much of a coward. I will be dead soon anyway.

It's not easy, but you ending your life will be the final blow to him. I hate to say it, but if you truly loved him, you wouldn't drag him down with you or leave him to deal with the trauma of your death. That is going to destroy him. The least you could do is break up with him and part ways. You being overwhelmed and exhausted is just as exhausting for him to deal with probably even worse. Dealing with a situation like this is draining it's like giving a helping hand to someone just for them to bite it and make it bleed. You need to let him go

 

[burninghill]

It's not easy, but you ending your life will be the final blow to him. I hate to say it, but if you truly loved him, you wouldn't drag him down with you or leave him to deal with the trauma of your death. That is going to destroy him. The least you could do is break up with him and part ways. You being overwhelmed and exhausted is just as exhausting for him to deal with probably even worse. Dealing with a situation like this is draining it's like giving a helping hand to someone just for them to bite it and make it bleed. You need to let him go

I don't have time for it to make a difference. Kill myself while we're dating or break up with him and kill myself a week later. It's all the same. Neither option is better or worse, less traumatising or more. He will be ruined either way just like everybody else in my life.

I appreciate your input and I agree with everything you're saying, but I am a weak person and a selfish one too. I want to live this perfect life until I die and I want it to stay as it is for as long as possible.

 

[spacefreightergirl]

I'm going through a similar thing, my boyfriend actually sort of crashed out at me yesterday (for lack of a better word) talking about how I've been really mean to him the last few weeks. We had a small fight cause if anything I've been trying my best to be nice to him and to act like I care even though I really don't care about anything lately, and he doesn't seem to realize how bad my depression is even though I've tried to explain how I feel lots of times. I think that when someone hasn't dealt with mental health problems they find it really hard to imagine what it is like so they don't know how hard it is to "act normal" sometimes.

 

[burninghill]

I'm going through a similar thing, my boyfriend actually sort of crashed out at me yesterday (for lack of a better word) talking about how I've been really mean to him the last few weeks. We had a small fight cause if anything I've been trying my best to be nice to him and to act like I care even though I really don't care about anything lately, and he doesn't seem to realize how bad my depression is even though I've tried to explain how I feel lots of times. I think that when someone hasn't dealt with mental health problems they find it really hard to imagine what it is like so they don't know how hard it is to "act normal" sometimes.

I really appreciate you saying this. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way but it really is nice to hear it from somebody else. It sounds so easy in theory to at least just pretend you're excited or interested, but I honestly find it really impossible in practice.

I really hope that you find peace in your relationship, I'm sorry that you're going through this all

 

[thefirstluminary]

I don't have time for it to make a difference. Kill myself while we're dating or break up with him and kill myself a week later. It's all the same. Neither option is better or worse, less traumatising or more. He will be ruined either way just like everybody else in my life.

break up and delay it I guess

I appreciate your input and I agree with everything you're saying, but I am a weak person and a selfish one too. I want to live this perfect life until I die and I want it to stay as it is for as long as possible.

I'm very sorry but... can't you at least show some true love and not be exhausting to your bf in your last days even if it was fake that will be a nice thing to do before you catch the bus eventually

I think that when someone hasn't dealt with mental health problems they find it really hard to imagine what it is like so they don't know how hard it is to "act normal" sometimes.

it is really not the case tbh I had friends going through MH problems and none of them treated me nicely when I opened up to them about how I've been feeling it was never about them relating to me or anything like that it's just how it is dealing with mentally ill individuals was never easy heck even some people end up killing themselves cause of how draining it is to deal with that person who is facing MH issues

 

[spacefreightergirl]

I really appreciate you saying this. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way but it really is nice to hear it from somebody else. It sounds so easy in theory to at least just pretend you're excited or interested, but I honestly find it really impossible in practice.

I really hope that you find peace in your relationship, I'm sorry that you're going through this all

Thank you :) We sort of talked it out and it's a little better honestly, I think it's just a rough patch. I did consider breaking up with him to CTB in peace but that'd put me in a very dire situation.

it is really not the case tbh I had friends going through MH problems and none of them treated me nicely when I opened up to them about how I've been feeling it was never about them relating to me or anything like that it's just how it is dealing with mentally ill individuals was never easy heck even some people end up killing themselves cause of how draining it is to deal with that person who is facing MH issues

Tbf that's really true and I didn't take it into consideration while typing, dealing with mentally ill people around you is really tiring. I do remember having to deal with a friend that was really mentally ill and even though everyone in the group had their problems they still had issues because of it.