sleazyyyy
Warmer when the kitsch of rot hits the stomach
- May 10, 2026
- 28
I'm crying. I feel so hurt, so broken, like something inside me cracked open and will never close again. I honestly don't think I'll ever recover from this heartbreak and I'm thinking about CTB as a way to escape this. I feel so stupid and weak and dumb.
My ex and I still talk. We keep circling back to each other. He's the one who destroyed me, and some part of me still wants him to be the one who fixes me too. I know no one can save me but myself. I know healing is my responsibility. But knowing that doesn't stop me from wanting to fall apart on him.
While I was asleep, he sent me a message I wasn't prepared for. He told me he feels so guilty for what he did. He said he misses me, misses us, misses the life we had before we broke up. He kept apologizing, over and over.
And then he told me why he can't be my boyfriend anymore. He said every time he thinks of me, all he can think about is what he did to me. How worthless it makes him feel. Like loving me now only reminds him of the damage he caused.
He said he misses all the little things he used to do for me. He said he misses how appreciative I was, how I made him feel seen instead of broken. He thanked me for never making him feel like there was something wrong with him.
But what shattered me was when he said this:
I miss everything about you. Your laugh. The way you sound when you're happy.
And I broke. I wasn't crying much these past few days but floodgates just opened when I read those.
Because how can someone say things like that and still let me go? How can someone love me this deeply, understand me this completely, remember me this gently, and still believe they are not meant for me?
I don't want someone better. I don't want a future person, a healthier person, a "right" person. I want him. I want the person who knew the shape of my sadness before I even spoke it aloud. I want the person who remembered the sound of my happiness.
And I'm stuck grieving someone who is still here, still loving me from a distance, still speaking to me like I was once his safest place in the world. Because I'll never get to build a life with him. I feel so ruined. I hate myself because I can't continue like this. I can't recover at all because he's irreplaceable and I'll never find someone like him again
My ex and I still talk. We keep circling back to each other. He's the one who destroyed me, and some part of me still wants him to be the one who fixes me too. I know no one can save me but myself. I know healing is my responsibility. But knowing that doesn't stop me from wanting to fall apart on him.
While I was asleep, he sent me a message I wasn't prepared for. He told me he feels so guilty for what he did. He said he misses me, misses us, misses the life we had before we broke up. He kept apologizing, over and over.
And then he told me why he can't be my boyfriend anymore. He said every time he thinks of me, all he can think about is what he did to me. How worthless it makes him feel. Like loving me now only reminds him of the damage he caused.
He said he misses all the little things he used to do for me. He said he misses how appreciative I was, how I made him feel seen instead of broken. He thanked me for never making him feel like there was something wrong with him.
But what shattered me was when he said this:
I miss everything about you. Your laugh. The way you sound when you're happy.
And I broke. I wasn't crying much these past few days but floodgates just opened when I read those.
Because how can someone say things like that and still let me go? How can someone love me this deeply, understand me this completely, remember me this gently, and still believe they are not meant for me?
I don't want someone better. I don't want a future person, a healthier person, a "right" person. I want him. I want the person who knew the shape of my sadness before I even spoke it aloud. I want the person who remembered the sound of my happiness.
And I'm stuck grieving someone who is still here, still loving me from a distance, still speaking to me like I was once his safest place in the world. Because I'll never get to build a life with him. I feel so ruined. I hate myself because I can't continue like this. I can't recover at all because he's irreplaceable and I'll never find someone like him again
