I don't want someone better, I want him

[sleazyyyy]

I'm crying. I feel so hurt, so broken, like something inside me cracked open and will never close again. I honestly don't think I'll ever recover from this heartbreak and I'm thinking about CTB as a way to escape this. I feel so stupid and weak and dumb.

My ex and I still talk. We keep circling back to each other. He's the one who destroyed me, and some part of me still wants him to be the one who fixes me too. I know no one can save me but myself. I know healing is my responsibility. But knowing that doesn't stop me from wanting to fall apart on him.

While I was asleep, he sent me a message I wasn't prepared for. He told me he feels so guilty for what he did. He said he misses me, misses us, misses the life we had before we broke up. He kept apologizing, over and over.

And then he told me why he can't be my boyfriend anymore. He said every time he thinks of me, all he can think about is what he did to me. How worthless it makes him feel. Like loving me now only reminds him of the damage he caused.

He said he misses all the little things he used to do for me. He said he misses how appreciative I was, how I made him feel seen instead of broken. He thanked me for never making him feel like there was something wrong with him.

But what shattered me was when he said this:

I miss everything about you. Your laugh. The way you sound when you're happy.

And I broke. I wasn't crying much these past few days but floodgates just opened when I read those.

Because how can someone say things like that and still let me go? How can someone love me this deeply, understand me this completely, remember me this gently, and still believe they are not meant for me?

I don't want someone better. I don't want a future person, a healthier person, a "right" person. I want him. I want the person who knew the shape of my sadness before I even spoke it aloud. I want the person who remembered the sound of my happiness.

And I'm stuck grieving someone who is still here, still loving me from a distance, still speaking to me like I was once his safest place in the world. Because I'll never get to build a life with him. I feel so ruined. I hate myself because I can't continue like this. I can't recover at all because he's irreplaceable and I'll never find someone like him again

 

[SASU-KE]

Your ex is toxic. The relationship is most likely doomed. I know it feels good. But you have to stop. If you want to heal, you have to cut him out completely and ask him to leave you alone. You need to cut up any pictures. Get rid of anything that invokes his memory.


He might be keeping you as a backup or he likes the idea of you still liking him.He may also just be too damaged himself to have a healthy relationship.

There's no point to a relationship that goes nowhere.

Please end it completely for your sake and sanity.

 

[wine is fine but]

he does not deserve you
you should block him out of your life - you do not need his toxic behaviour
you are heart broken and living in hope - he knows this and is playing games with you
you are much too good for him

 

[Burdenphilic]

I'm crying. I feel so hurt, so broken, like something inside me cracked open and will never close again. I honestly don't think I'll ever recover from this heartbreak and I'm thinking about CTB as a way to escape this. I feel so stupid and weak and dumb.

My ex and I still talk. We keep circling back to each other. He's the one who destroyed me, and some part of me still wants him to be the one who fixes me too. I know no one can save me but myself. I know healing is my responsibility. But knowing that doesn't stop me from wanting to fall apart on him.

While I was asleep, he sent me a message I wasn't prepared for. He told me he feels so guilty for what he did. He said he misses me, misses us, misses the life we had before we broke up. He kept apologizing, over and over.

And then he told me why he can't be my boyfriend anymore. He said every time he thinks of me, all he can think about is what he did to me. How worthless it makes him feel. Like loving me now only reminds him of the damage he caused.

He said he misses all the little things he used to do for me. He said he misses how appreciative I was, how I made him feel seen instead of broken. He thanked me for never making him feel like there was something wrong with him.

But what shattered me was when he said this:

I miss everything about you. Your laugh. The way you sound when you're happy.

And I broke. I wasn't crying much these past few days but floodgates just opened when I read those.

Because how can someone say things like that and still let me go? How can someone love me this deeply, understand me this completely, remember me this gently, and still believe they are not meant for me?

I don't want someone better. I don't want a future person, a healthier person, a "right" person. I want him. I want the person who knew the shape of my sadness before I even spoke it aloud. I want the person who remembered the sound of my happiness.

And I'm stuck grieving someone who is still here, still loving me from a distance, still speaking to me like I was once his safest place in the world. Because I'll never get to build a life with him. I feel so ruined. I hate myself because I can't continue like this. I can't recover at all because he's irreplaceable and I'll never find someone like him again

From what I'm collecting from this, although this may sting a lot, you're caught up in wanting the comfort and care of your ex rather than considering his side of things.

I think the kicker is that he actually doesn't want to be with you because he truly does care about you. He's unable to ensure that he can be a faithful and loving boyfriend if he can't let go of all the past guilt and memories that he's so ashamed of, in a way he would have to suppress a part of himself just to keep a relationship with you going but this kind of stress on him could make him incapable of treating you well so for your own wellbeing he's decided to not have this kind of relationship with you.

I know that I may be jumping to conclusions but it is really worth looking more into his side of things than to completely become fixated on your own desires and expectations. Try to understand where he's coming from, and make peace with him for that. I understand that it's still going to be emotionally taxing on you since you'd be losing the kind of relationship you wish you'd have with him but if you truly love him then you'd love him for his own wellbeing and decisions too and not just what your heart desires from him.

While I may not have been in the same situation as you are, I did fall victim of completely relying on someone else's presence and love in order to live, and what I have to say is this: The moment you stop living for yourself and have your whole life revolve around someone else, then you've already lost your own life.

Please try not to take any offense from this and if I have offended you in any way then I sincerely apologize, I truly do wish the best for you!