I cant do it. Suicide is admitting defeat.

[TotalEclipse]

Yes, it's admitting defeat. It's just that I don't care lol.

 

[deleteduser853695]

It's all perfectly and beautifully subjective and there's nothing wrong with that.

To me suicide is an act of dignity and defiance whereas to go on living after what I've been through feels like a defeat. Accepting the world is a cruel and unjust place where I'll just have to endure an endless cycle of trauma and reconstruction is not a victory, I don't care who would see my death as them being right or whatever. I will give up in life before giving up on my beliefs and values. Doing things in my own terms, that's a victory and if I won't get it in this world then I'll get it by escaping.

"Give me liberty or give me death," that's the feeling I get from this. I do feel there's something powerful in refusing to compromise and deciding on all-or-nothing, rather than settling for something imperfect and flawed. It's almost martyr-like. I respect that.

I guess for me, the issue is that a lot of people in my life would see it as weak that I CTBed, and they'd get to feel superior to me for it, and my pride hates that. But I'm a NEET anyway, they probably feel superior to me already - might as well CTB so I'm not here to feel the shame.​

 

[onlyformyself]

How is it defeat when u have health issues and in constant pain almost 24/7 isn't it freedom and peace?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I never really hear suicide being talked about from this perspective

Really I think I have heard this a million times outside of this forum.

But whatever works, if this gives you a reason to go on and if you are fortunate enough to actually make it in life in the future then it would´ve paid off but for a person who isn´t strong or lucky enough to make it could be the shackles that keep them alive and suffering.

 

[Dark Moon]

I never really hear suicide being talked about from this perspective. But does anyone else fight the urge to die, because you know it would be admitting defeat to the people who crushed you? Almost like it gives too much power to the people who need to be proven wrong.

After all the horrible psychological damage, my suicide making even one single person happy is too one too many. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they were able to kill me off and get rid of me.

I need to live to see the day where things get better, and I'm able to prove to everyone that I wasn't meant to be a fuck up, and more importantly that they were never able to stop me from having a happy life. I can't kill myself because it would prove to them they're powerful. More powerful than me. They got to be happy, why would I commit suicide and deny myself the chance to be happy like them.

But fighting the urge to ctb is so difficult. I know of a method I'm not scared of. I have tranquilizers as well, so I really wouldn't even feel it. But I literally *can't* do it. I cant let them scapegoating me for that long define me. I can't let the world see that they finally got to me. I just can't. I have to keep living.

I sometimes think this way and that's partly why I haven't done it yet, the people who hate/wronged me will most likely laugh and celebrate and I don't want to allow that win for them. It's like a constant battle in my mind to die or live because once I die I'm not coming back.

At the same time part of me doesn't care because the reaper is coming for everyone and they will get to old age and face potential illness, disease, sickness, grey hair, balding etc they too will turn to dust eventually.

It's also my suffering that I think about and wanting to end it.

 

[Higurashi415]

Your point only makes sense if you believe that your situation is somehow solvable, and it's completely fine to believe so, but a lot of people who are suicidal are so because they believe their situation is completely unsolvable, existentially, that is (whether that is true or not... is a completely different discussion). They believe that FOR SURE the day where it will get better will never come, so they don't see the point in waiting 60 years to die. In other words, if your whole existence will suck no matter what, dying now seems plausible.
I think hopelessness characterizes a big portion of the reason why people feel suicidal. Doesn't make much sense to be suicidal if you feel like you can get better, does it?

 

[Csmith8827]

I never really hear suicide being talked about from this perspective. But does anyone else fight the urge to die, because you know it would be admitting defeat to the people who crushed you? Almost like it gives too much power to the people who need to be proven wrong.

After all the horrible psychological damage, my suicide making even one single person happy is too one too many. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they were able to kill me off and get rid of me.

I need to live to see the day where things get better, and I'm able to prove to everyone that I wasn't meant to be a fuck up, and more importantly that they were never able to stop me from having a happy life. I can't kill myself because it would prove to them they're powerful. More powerful than me. They got to be happy, why would I commit suicide and deny myself the chance to be happy like them.

But fighting the urge to ctb is so difficult. I know of a method I'm not scared of. I have tranquilizers as well, so I really wouldn't even feel it. But I literally *can't* do it. I cant let them scapegoating me for that long define me. I can't let the world see that they finally got to me. I just can't. I have to keep living.

I know exactly how you feel. And to an extent I feel the same way. I guess I'm exactly like you in the sense that I feel exactly the same way. Fuck them and fuck there evil BS. I read your post a while ago but never responded. I still understand ctb kinda, or the feeling of wanting to...but i agree with you wholeheartedly. Fuck them and let's crush them. Fuck there evil. I'll have to read the other replies once I'm off work but im interested in what others had to say...

 

[GuppyBoyo]

Maybe not. Though it's way better if it's recognized and treated. It forces structural changes. As dysfunctional as the MH sector is, it's worse to not even have your disorder recognized. I think you'd agree with this, no?

....
who told you i have a disorder ?

 

[failureofahuman]

I don't see it that way at all, I feel like it's an act of charity for me to die. The world will be a better place once I'm gone.

 

[ignorableaurochs]

I never really hear suicide being talked about from this perspective. But does anyone else fight the urge to die, because you know it would be admitting defeat to the people who crushed you? Almost like it gives too much power to the people who need to be proven wrong.

After all the horrible psychological damage, my suicide making even one single person happy is too one too many. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they were able to kill me off and get rid of me.

I need to live to see the day where things get better, and I'm able to prove to everyone that I wasn't meant to be a fuck up, and more importantly that they were never able to stop me from having a happy life. I can't kill myself because it would prove to them they're powerful. More powerful than me. They got to be happy, why would I commit suicide and deny myself the chance to be happy like them.

But fighting the urge to ctb is so difficult. I know of a method I'm not scared of. I have tranquilizers as well, so I really wouldn't even feel it. But I literally *can't* do it. I cant let them scapegoating me for that long define me. I can't let the world see that they finally got to me. I just can't. I have to keep living.

I admire your courage and tenacity. It is not something I could do myself, but I wish you the best.

 

[worthless123]

If you've already been utterly defeated by life then CTB is the only way of ensuring it doesn't get any worse.

 

[ToANewWorld]

Sometimes life defeats you.

 

[Lostmyonlyson]

because you know it would be admitting defeat to the people who crushed you? Almost like it gives too much power to the people who need to be proven wrong.

Yep. Agree 100%. That's the reason I didn't do anything rash as of now.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I never really hear suicide being talked about from this perspective. But does anyone else fight the urge to die, because you know it would be admitting defeat to the people who crushed you? Almost like it gives too much power to the people who need to be proven wrong.

After all the horrible psychological damage, my suicide making even one single person happy is too one too many. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they were able to kill me off and get rid of me.

I need to live to see the day where things get better, and I'm able to prove to everyone that I wasn't meant to be a fuck up, and more importantly that they were never able to stop me from having a happy life. I can't kill myself because it would prove to them they're powerful. More powerful than me. They got to be happy, why would I commit suicide and deny myself the chance to be happy like them.

But fighting the urge to ctb is so difficult. I know of a method I'm not scared of. I have tranquilizers as well, so I really wouldn't even feel it. But I literally *can't* do it. I cant let them scapegoating me for that long define me. I can't let the world see that they finally got to me. I just can't. I have to keep living.

I wouldn't say I haven't thought of it. But me being alive isn't because of that. It falls away pretty quickly. As I just don't care at some point and that there isn't a fight to be a won or people to fight. The people who stole everything from me don't give a shit. They are doing it to the next person. Plus the mental image of someone sitting there wishing evil upon you is mentally better than the reality in my situation which is apathy. People simply don't give a fuck. That's a much harder thing to wrap your head around. That literally not a soul on this planet cares if I get up tomorrow. There's absolutely nothing to effect change in my that I haven't already done. It's hard to fight without an ability to win just not lose . I don't even mean death as losing but rather there is nothing to do, triumph over, or really way to have that phoenix from the ashes moment which would be the best approximation of what the best case scenario of my life if a miracle occurs could be.. Sure maybe I could get that miracle in that I get justice for what happened with PUMs but I really had nothing to do with it. Even in the best case scenario there's irreplaceable losses. For example Day 1, Day 2, Day 1143. Even further it's not my moment but the prosecutor's /lawyers if it turns into that. if crimes existed me being alive or dead should have 0 bearing as to what happens. I was just the wrong person at the wrong time. If I die shouldn't it be a worse crime anyhow? In this hypothetical I just kind of lived until I got it while seeing exactly how people are. That's not a curtain you want pulled back. It's like finding out the wizard of oz isn't really a wizard. All it maybe would be is a second chance a life but it feels like a facade. I'll just much older, broken, without anyone (If people decided to be in my life at that point it obviously has nothing to do with me as they would be in it now. Being universally rejected in this situations makes things incredibly clear in terms of who people are. One thing to maybe think you are unlovable and another to have every single person you have ever known, every single person who sat and told you how much they care (and yes even say they love you). Demonstrate how little they care when things outside of your control intervene and annihilate your life. Simply put where's my opportunities. Where's really anything. I've beaten on doors all over the place. I've searched high and low. I would still have no possibility of a career or jobs, and still without a purpose. If I suddenly did is it me they want or just my story. If it was my skills, abilities, and experience I'd have a job now. At best I what create an illusion of purpose (mine was stolen from me).... Go volunteer a couple times a week for people who wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire to sit and tell myself what a wonderful person I am. The honest truth is I genuinely don't have a reason why I am alive. There is something terrifying about realizing even in the best case scenario of your life. Your life is still unbelievably broken to the point of potentially irrecoverability.

 

[seizmic_purple]

I think that understanding what drives you toward suicidal thoughts is very well worth exploring, and it may result in encountering a driving force you never knew you had or did not believe in.

I never really hear suicide being talked about from this perspective. But does anyone else fight the urge to die, because you know it would be admitting defeat to the people who crushed you? Almost like it gives too much power to the people who need to be proven wrong.

After all the horrible psychological damage, my suicide making even one single person happy is too one too many. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they were able to kill me off and get rid of me.

I need to live to see the day where things get better, and I'm able to prove to everyone that I wasn't meant to be a fuck up, and more importantly that they were never able to stop me from having a happy life. I can't kill myself because it would prove to them they're powerful. More powerful than me. They got to be happy, why would I commit suicide and deny myself the chance to be happy like them.

But fighting the urge to ctb is so difficult. I know of a method I'm not scared of. I have tranquilizers as well, so I really wouldn't even feel it. But I literally *can't* do it. I cant let them scapegoating me for that long define me. I can't let the world see that they finally got to me. I just can't. I have to keep living.

I think that understanding what drives you toward suicidal thoughts is very well worth exploring, and it may result in encountering a driving force you never knew you had or did not believe in. You're on to something personally meaningful, I think, and I sincerely hope you use this emotion to turn a new leaf completely. Not just for proving something to others, which can be very satisfactory, but ultimately to detach your own happiness from rebellion. Keep going, I wish you all the best!