paintsurface
Member
- May 16, 2026
- 5
Idek why I write here, it's just becoming a diary for me really
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, for a bit I've just been in this daze. I am such a bum, I have no talents and I've never been talented at anything really. I don't have "my thing." I've never been good at socializing, never been good at sports, never been good at drawing or instruments or anything artistic really, I used to think good grades were my thing but this year I've just seen my academics fall off a cliff and the increasing realization that I'm pretty stupid actually. What makes me me? What is my identity other than this mammal that eats, shits, sleeps. I don't know.
It reminded me of this conversation me and my friends were having, to be honest it was more like a conversation between my friends that I was listening to I didn't say much. It went something along the lines of one of them wishing he had a girlfriend who was like this or like that and my other friend asking "Well what makes you deserving of that, what do you bring to the table?" and I've been thinking a lot about that. Less about romance and more about connection in general, why would anyone want to bother becoming close with me? The only friends I have do all sorts of things without me and I am only invited when they want something specific from me, usually money or like fireworks or something, either way I am third wheeling or alone.
I am boring, talking to me is like a fucking brick I don't know what the hell went wrong with my temporal lobes, I don't have any hobbies except maybe playing the piano but I am shit at it. You could take it further, why should I deserve a fulfilling happy life, what would that even look like? I am lazy, I have no motivation to do anything, I don't even know what I want. I just want to wake up with passion for the future. Even if I had everything I'd still end it, because what awaits me? Tortured long endless aging existence, the monotony of working a job so I can buy material objects. Am I really waking up each day so that I can in the future go on holiday or eat out? Sounds so shit. Nobody cares about me, and you don't either so I don't want any fluff supportive comments. I wish everyone forgot about me, I wish I was imperceivable because that would be so much better than everyone seeing me, judging me, feelings of disdain. I know my parents are disappointed, and why shouldn't they be?
Sure I am young, there's a whole future of things that could change but what then? What does "getting better" even mean? If I don't CTB it's just another example of me not finishing something, not holding true to what I believe and lacking integrity. I never finish anything, I start hobbies or projects or missions to become more sociable and I give up. If I "get better" just the thought of it makes me so sad because it would just be another thing I gave up, if I do it at least then I've succeeded and done something, maybe that's my thing. I don't want to learn to just accept how I feel and cope just to grow old and miserable. I have no drive to do anything, I could go today but I know I wont.. I do think I will, sometime soon but I can't stop thinking about how I'd be remembered what reasons people would come up with and they all seem really pathetic so I'll wait and stick around so I can keep what little dignity I have.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, for a bit I've just been in this daze. I am such a bum, I have no talents and I've never been talented at anything really. I don't have "my thing." I've never been good at socializing, never been good at sports, never been good at drawing or instruments or anything artistic really, I used to think good grades were my thing but this year I've just seen my academics fall off a cliff and the increasing realization that I'm pretty stupid actually. What makes me me? What is my identity other than this mammal that eats, shits, sleeps. I don't know.
It reminded me of this conversation me and my friends were having, to be honest it was more like a conversation between my friends that I was listening to I didn't say much. It went something along the lines of one of them wishing he had a girlfriend who was like this or like that and my other friend asking "Well what makes you deserving of that, what do you bring to the table?" and I've been thinking a lot about that. Less about romance and more about connection in general, why would anyone want to bother becoming close with me? The only friends I have do all sorts of things without me and I am only invited when they want something specific from me, usually money or like fireworks or something, either way I am third wheeling or alone.
I am boring, talking to me is like a fucking brick I don't know what the hell went wrong with my temporal lobes, I don't have any hobbies except maybe playing the piano but I am shit at it. You could take it further, why should I deserve a fulfilling happy life, what would that even look like? I am lazy, I have no motivation to do anything, I don't even know what I want. I just want to wake up with passion for the future. Even if I had everything I'd still end it, because what awaits me? Tortured long endless aging existence, the monotony of working a job so I can buy material objects. Am I really waking up each day so that I can in the future go on holiday or eat out? Sounds so shit. Nobody cares about me, and you don't either so I don't want any fluff supportive comments. I wish everyone forgot about me, I wish I was imperceivable because that would be so much better than everyone seeing me, judging me, feelings of disdain. I know my parents are disappointed, and why shouldn't they be?
Sure I am young, there's a whole future of things that could change but what then? What does "getting better" even mean? If I don't CTB it's just another example of me not finishing something, not holding true to what I believe and lacking integrity. I never finish anything, I start hobbies or projects or missions to become more sociable and I give up. If I "get better" just the thought of it makes me so sad because it would just be another thing I gave up, if I do it at least then I've succeeded and done something, maybe that's my thing. I don't want to learn to just accept how I feel and cope just to grow old and miserable. I have no drive to do anything, I could go today but I know I wont.. I do think I will, sometime soon but I can't stop thinking about how I'd be remembered what reasons people would come up with and they all seem really pathetic so I'll wait and stick around so I can keep what little dignity I have.
