Venting Blah blah blah

[potatolover1_]

Today, I watched the movie Obsession, and the movie was kind of disturbing, but what was more disturbing about it wasn't the movie. I mean, it was just a movie. I'm not that influenced by it, but I'm influenced about the fact that I saw a resemblance of my ex for a portion of our relationship in that movie, and it made me feel bad, like, really bad. And my friends say that I started acting, like, depressed or something, but they call everything depressed. I hate how much everyone misuses this word. Yk, the issue is for someone who's actually been through this and how bad it sounds, and they just call every single time that you act sad or disturbed depressed. It's such a misuse by people that seem confident, and I hate the fact that my friends, a lot of people ik and especially the girls in my friend group are just basic white girls, basic ppl in general. I hate all of them. I don't want to be friends with these people anymore, or that's what I'm gonna say until I don't mean it anymore. I fucking hate every one of them. I hate them so much, I could die, and they can all die for all I care for. I just wanna be left alone at home, and I just wanna stay in my room and play on my computer every day and look like a total incel and a shut-in, as much as I want. That's the only thing I want, and it's not a healthy thing, but it's something that keeps me going. I don't wanna go out and socialize with everyone. I would honestly rather just die. Maybe that's what I want. I'm too much of a pussy to actually do it anyway. So it doesn't even matter what I say or who I call or who I tell about it. It always ends in the same way. Nobody cares enough to stay with me or to end what they're doing to talk to me. Even my best friend has now been pulling away and I feel like he's fully pulled away but holding off the strings of the friendship that we used to have. I hate it, I'm so done with everything and everyone. I just wanna be die and be left alone. If I die, I can't feel like this anymore. Why can't I die? Why dont I have the ability to do it? Why am I just crying about the fact that I wanna die so much but then don't do it? That's what I always tell the other people that I know. If you're so keen on something and you wanna do something, why don't you just do it? But then when it comes to me, I don't even follow my own stupid advice about it. I'm gonna seriously puke. I feel so shit. I spent an hour walking alone when I told everyone I'm going home. Instead I walked for, well, an hour and I sat on a bench for like 20 minutes and looked out into the sea and just thought, but I didn't really think of anything. I feel so stupid. I feel like I can't even think about stuff anymore. But you get the core meaning of it. That's what I care about. I was listening to music the whole time I was walking, and I feel like that worsened my feelings. It intensified the amount of shit that I feel. It's been quietly intensifying. I'm such a failure as a person and as a friend. I don't deserve to have anyone by my side. I deserve to be alone. I should be alone. I don't think anyone is as much of a failure like I am. And I don't think anyone will be anytime soon. Because I'm just so pathetic and spineless. I mean, I do feel like I want to kill myself, but it's something I've always stood against. It's going against my core principles if I just take my life. But I may just do it. I may just actually do it. I don't know proud of it, but it's how I actually feel.

I'm a bitch. I'm a bitchy guy. I never thought I would be so bad mentally that I would be saying this and actually meaning it. Yk, at some point I used to pretend that I'm feeling the way that I am actually feeling. Maybe this is karma for all the time that I've done it. I deserve everything that's coming to me. For everything I've done to everyone else. For the amount of shit I've said. For being who I am, I deserve to feel this way and in the near future I should die. This feeling's never truly gonna go away. I thought I was fine. I'm never gonna be really fine. I don't wanna feel like this. It's just, can I even call this depression? Whatever I do, I can't be the best at anything either. Whenever I play, whatever hobby I pick up, anything that I do, everyone's always better at me no matter for how much I try, and they call me retarded for it. They call me retarded. They call me stupid and all those stupid degrading words about me. And I'm convinced that they're right. If I cannot be really good at anything, maybe, maybe I'll always be just completely average about everything, just someone, someone else. Just a someone, not a really close friend, nothing. I feel like I annoy them. I annoy everyone with my presence. And I should just disappear for that. I shouldn't have to keep annoying them and keeping them. It's selfish of me. I've actually nearly never cried myself to sleep before. I'm probably gonna do it. That's the only thing I'm gonna do, kill myself too. Because people like the friends that I have and the people close to me don't deserve to have someone like me. I'm a punishment for something that they didn't do. And for what? Because I could... Pretend I have a happy life, but I don't feel that way at all. What is wrong with me?

Anyone feeling similar to this or naw