Going downhill

[needhelptodie]

I am going to make an attempt. I have medication ready to go. I have SN as well, although I am not comfortable with it. I am not comfortable with anything. I don't know how to answer my questions, I don't know how to come to terms with my issues, I don't know anything. I don't know why I wrecked myself in life as hard as I did. The more I struggle, the more I draw attention to myself and wreck myself, my opportunities, my potential, my life. This is something I do. I make bad decisions. I make decisions that cause me to spiral into even more problems. I make decisions that create problems that don't need to exist. I created the life I have. I created the situation that caused my life to develop into a closed door. I created the way people are closed to me for good. I still don't know why. I thought I had something going for me but I knew internally what I was doing was screwing up what I could have gotten. I tend to do that, I tend to know what is the right way to do something but end up not being able to put it into words or seeing how to do actually do it. I knew I would lose someone when I didn't want to fight someone else. I knew sharing one or two things with someone would make me lose them. I knew asking people for things would make me lose them. I knew when I needed to respond to someone and didn't I screwed up. I knew that reaching out to someone in a certain way would fuck up my life. For 12 years I've withstood as much as a person can take, I've gone from having the world going for me to my life being in terminal decline, where every day I struggle to wake up, struggle to think, struggle to move and struggle to focus on my attempt. Who fucks up like this? I don't know anyone who openly does this, openly throws themselves underneath a bus in life when they have everything going for them.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I relate very much to everything you have written here, and I'm sure a lot of others do too. It's really difficult feeling like you're the founder of all the problems you experience. I of course don't know exactly what you have been through or are going through, but I hope you can find some small amount of peace in your day today.

My chosen method is SN as well. I am also not entirely comfortable with it as it's such a question mark in terms of reliability and peacefulness, but it is what it is.

My DMs are always open, so feel free to get in touch if you want to chat!!

 

[depressedinsomniac]

when will you be attempting? will you be updating once you take it?

 

[needhelptodie]

I relate very much to everything you have written here, and I'm sure a lot of others do too. It's really difficult feeling like you're the founder of all the problems you experience. I of course don't know exactly what you have been through or are going through, but I hope you can find some small amount of peace in your day today.

My chosen method is SN as well. I am also not entirely comfortable with it as it's such a question mark in terms of reliability and peacefulness, but it is what it is.

My DMs are always open, so feel free to get in touch if you want to chat!!

Thanks, of course.

when will you be attempting? will you be updating once you take it?

Whenever my head settles down enough to go for it. Not prepared to rush an attempt just to botch it. Maybe, I might share some thoughts to help me soothe into it but I will see how I feel. Right now I can't think straight and that's affecting me from going for something concrete.

 

[depressedinsomniac]

understood i feel very similar to you…right now life is spiraling fighting to hang on….was going to ctb today but decided not to to spare my mother the burden of dealing with the aftermath…insomnia frigging sucks…