Help Gave into my depression after highschool

[DecayingCorporeal]

I don't know what to do with my life and I'm miserable. This will prob be a long vent and I'm sorta asking for advice as well, honestly Idk. For some context I'm currently 19 but will be turning 20 this July, I've graduated highschool back in 2024 and since then I've basically given into my depression and have been a waste of space since. I took a "gap year" after highschool and wasted a whole year bed rotting, I don't remember anything abt 2025 because I had done nothing but sleep all day, didn't leave the house, didn't work on hobbies, didn't have a job, literly just eating and sleeping. Now I went back to school for the first time last semester coz I was tired of being depressed and I want to do something with my life. But what. I'm completely lost, I wasted yet another year this year taking random courses coz I didn't have any plans after highschool. I originally didn't plan on going to college but I also don't wanna work at a fucking McDonald's my whole life. I had vaguely decided to try getting into EMS but honestly I don't even really care for it, I've been half heartedly perusing it coz ik my parents want me to go to college and I have no other plans. I was taking a bio 20 course this month but I got an email yesterday that I missed and only saw today basically saying that I was withdrawn from the course since I wasn't showing up. And I feel just so worthless right now. I'm almost fucking 20 and I'm still taking highschool courses. Im so over going to school I don't even care enough to show up for my single fucking course I had. Seriously what's so hard about showing up every day to ONE COURSE. JUST ONE. and I couldn't even do that. And now due to my own idiocy I got kicked out. I'm just so tired of myself. I'm tired of constantly disappointing myself but never putting in the effort to improve myself. I seriously want to kill myself over this, but at the same time I haven't even lived yet. I've wasted my whole life in complete isolation with no friends just alone, drowning in my own depression with problems of my own making. I have shit I wanna do. countries I wanna see, anime and manga I still have yet to read/watch. I don't wanna die a virgin either. I mean seriously I haven't lived at all. I don't wanna die yet. But im just so fucking suicidal all the god damn time. It's all I ever think about. I have nothing else to do to take my mind off it.
And now I don't know what to do. I got kicked out of my bio course and I'm not sure I can take a 20 level course over summer since I'm an adult. Honestly I don't even trust myself to put in the effort to take a course over summer. I don't wanna fail at it all over again. I'm seriously wasting away and I don't know what to do. Just last month I had a therapist reach out to me from a different school I attended asking if I needed his services. At the time I said no but now I'm regretting it. Maybe for once in my fucking life I would acc try seeking help. I've never gotten any sort of help for my depression since I for some reason always think I can will myself to just "get over it" and Clearly that's been working oh so well for me. On top of it all I'm suspecting I have other mental problems as well, some fucking ocd or smth abt intrusive thoughts. It's another reason why I've been reluctant to seek therapy but that's not the focus of this post so I won't yap abt it. I don't even think therapy can help me. Not with this. Fuck this I didn't ask to be born why do I have to deal with this crap. Does anyone else not know what to do with their lives? I know it's not uncommon and a lot of people in their 20s are lost but I still can't help but feel so damn worthless not even that just pure disappointment in my being and who I've become. I hate myself so severely it's driving me to suicide and no amount of therapy will help me get over it. I just hate myself to the very core and I'd rather die than live with this self hatred any longer

 

[PanaxMan]

I don't know what to do with my life and I'm miserable. This will prob be a long vent and I'm sorta asking for advice as well, honestly Idk. For some context I'm currently 19 but will be turning 20 this July, I've graduated highschool back in 2024 and since then I've basically given into my depression and have been a waste of space since. I took a "gap year" after highschool and wasted a whole year bed rotting, I don't remember anything abt 2025 because I had done nothing but sleep all day, didn't leave the house, didn't work on hobbies, didn't have a job, literly just eating and sleeping. Now I went back to school for the first time last semester coz I was tired of being depressed and I want to do something with my life. But what. I'm completely lost, I wasted yet another year this year taking random courses coz I didn't have any plans after highschool. I originally didn't plan on going to college but I also don't wanna work at a fucking McDonald's my whole life. I had vaguely decided to try getting into EMS but honestly I don't even really care for it, I've been half heartedly perusing it coz ik my parents want me to go to college and I have no other plans. I was taking a bio 20 course this month but I got an email yesterday that I missed and only saw today basically saying that I was withdrawn from the course since I wasn't showing up. And I feel just so worthless right now. I'm almost fucking 20 and I'm still taking highschool courses. Im so over going to school I don't even care enough to show up for my single fucking course I had. Seriously what's so hard about showing up every day to ONE COURSE. JUST ONE. and I couldn't even do that. And now due to my own idiocy I got kicked out. I'm just so tired of myself. I'm tired of constantly disappointing myself but never putting in the effort to improve myself. I seriously want to kill myself over this, but at the same time I haven't even lived yet. I've wasted my whole life in complete isolation with no friends just alone, drowning in my own depression with problems of my own making. I have shit I wanna do. countries I wanna see, anime and manga I still have yet to read/watch. I don't wanna die a virgin either. I mean seriously I haven't lived at all. I don't wanna die yet. But im just so fucking suicidal all the god damn time. It's all I ever think about. I have nothing else to do to take my mind off it.
And now I don't know what to do. I got kicked out of my bio course and I'm not sure I can take a 20 level course over summer since I'm an adult. Honestly I don't even trust myself to put in the effort to take a course over summer. I don't wanna fail at it all over again. I'm seriously wasting away and I don't know what to do. Just last month I had a therapist reach out to me from a different school I attended asking if I needed his services. At the time I said no but now I'm regretting it. Maybe for once in my fucking life I would acc try seeking help. I've never gotten any sort of help for my depression since I for some reason always think I can will myself to just "get over it" and Clearly that's been working oh so well for me. On top of it all I'm suspecting I have other mental problems as well, some fucking ocd or smth abt intrusive thoughts. It's another reason why I've been reluctant to seek therapy but that's not the focus of this post so I won't yap abt it. I don't even think therapy can help me. Not with this. Fuck this I didn't ask to be born why do I have to deal with this crap. Does anyone else not know what to do with their lives? I know it's not uncommon and a lot of people in their 20s are lost but I still can't help but feel so damn worthless not even that just pure disappointment in my being and who I've become. I hate myself so severely it's driving me to suicide and no amount of therapy will help me get over it. I just hate myself to the very core and I'd rather die than live with this self hatred any longer

Well I'm like you (and here's a tip. Highschool is a lot easier to cheat on) literally everything. I graduated from a top 1 to 2 public high school (besides technical schools within my state by basically cheating (with AI.) another tip is to aim for a 80 to 90 percent on assignments (DO not aim for a 100 percent unless you believe you are competent in actually explaining why you used a certain term or way of saying or expressing a idea. I did graduate though a year early and I did take a gap year for my mental health due to constant overwork since I was 7 (not schoolwork -> I crashed out at 13 with that). There's most likely hundreds of thousands of people like me (prodigies who were gifted years ago but crashed or burned out along with people who never complete highschool -> I know this since I have a useless brother who thinks he's superior leeching off of my parents when he has no high school diploma)

 

[CowardKnight]

If it helps, know that you're not alone. I'm in a extremely similiar situation. I'm also 19, also graduated highschool in 2024, and my birthday is also in July... what a coincidence.

I haven't done anything with my life since I graduated highschool either. I almost never leave the house, I don't have a job, and hell, I don't even have any hobbies either. Every time I try to start a hobby I end up abandoning it within days. And unlike you, I haven't gone back to school, nor I'm even taking any sort of courses. My depression is so bad I can barely manage basic tasks and basic self care. Hell, I'm literally the definition of a loser.

But at least you're doing something. You went back to school, and even if you messed things up, at least you tried. That's something.

Try going to therapy, even if you think it won't help you. But you just showing up is better than nothing.

 

[amy joyce]

If it helps, know that you're not alone. I'm in a extremely similiar situation. I'm also 19, also graduated highschool in 2024, and my birthday is also in July... what a coincidence.

I haven't done anything with my life since I graduated highschool either. I almost never leave the house, I don't have a job, and hell, I don't even have any hobbies either. Every time I try to start a hobby I end up abandoning it within days. And unlike you, I haven't gone back to school, nor I'm even taking any sort of courses. My depression is so bad I can barely manage basic tasks and basic self care. Hell, I'm literally the definition of a loser.

But at least you're doing something. You went back to school, and even if you messed things up, at least you tried. That's something.

Try going to therapy, even if you think it won't help you. But you just showing up is better than nothing.

Do you mind telling me a bit more about yourself? Do you exercise? What kind of food do you eat? Do you take medication?

I am not a guru on any of those things. I ask out of curiosity on what's causing so much depression in young people these days. Could it be the political landscape we currently face? Women?

My son did some interactive board gaming with friends at least once a week here at the house. That seemed like the only time he was happy. He was a bit older than you when he passed away. Had a ton of potential, a girl, loving and supportive parents, at least some financial support (a free place to live, etc). I really wanted him to get a job or go back to school so that he would be around people and cheer up but he couldn't. He wouldn't even drive he was so scared of making a mistake. Then again I have another son who began to drive without a problem. He had trouble finding a job in our community but we helped him through a trade school and he's beginning to finish up.

As a parent, I'm not obsessed with the way society says young or anybody has to live their life. Happiness is the goal. Being inside too much doesn't seem too good for young people. Fresh air and exercise is especially helpful for young men. Sunlight is good.

I hate myself so severely it's driving me to suicide and no amount of therapy will help me get over it. I just hate myself to the very core and I'd rather die than live with this self hatred any longer

There has to be a root cause to your self loathing. Do you have any idea what it is? Are you lonely or do you feel undesirable as a friend or potential love interest? I'd be glad to chat with you and would like to help. What do your parents think/know? How about siblings?
Honestly, there is absolutely no rule book on how you live your life. I would sack anyone who tried to tell me somebody else had to do something their way. Have you thought about the pursuit of happiness and what that means? Philosophically or independently researching this alone or with a group may bring you a sense of purpose. A building project like with woodwork or sporting? Making a living is important and some people revolve their lives around that and starting a family.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Please feel free to ask me questions. I'm a middle aged women that has little in common with young men and less to offer other than kindness and support. I hope you find some. Peace and blessings.

 

[CowardKnight]

Do you mind telling me a bit more about yourself? Do you exercise? What kind of food do you eat? Do you take medication?

I am not a guru on any of those things. I ask out of curiosity on what's causing so much depression in young people these days. Could it be the political landscape we currently face? Women?

My son did some interactive board gaming with friends at least once a week here at the house. That seemed like the only time he was happy. He was a bit older than you when he passed away. Had a ton of potential, a girl, loving and supportive parents, at least some financial support (a free place to live, etc). I really wanted him to get a job or go back to school so that he would be around people and cheer up but he couldn't. He wouldn't even drive he was so scared of making a mistake. Then again I have another son who began to drive without a problem. He had trouble finding a job in our community but we helped him through a trade school and he's beginning to finish up.

As a parent, I'm not obsessed with the way society says young or anybody has to live their life. Happiness is the goal. Being inside too much doesn't seem too good for young people. Fresh air and exercise is especially helpful for young men. Sunlight is good.

There has to be a root cause to your self loathing. Do you have any idea what it is? Are you lonely or do you feel undesirable as a friend or potential love interest? I'd be glad to chat with you and would like to help. What do your parents think/know? How about siblings?
Honestly, there is absolutely no rule book on how you live your life. I would sack anyone who tried to tell me somebody else had to do something their way. Have you thought about the pursuit of happiness and what that means? Philosophically or independently researching this alone or with a group may bring you a sense of purpose. A building project like with woodwork or sporting? Making a living is important and some people revolve their lives around that and starting a family.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Please feel free to ask me questions. I'm a middle aged women that has little in common with young men and less to offer other than kindness and support. I hope you find some. Peace and blessings.

I can't talk for other people, but in my case, my depression is mostly caused by the current political landscape, especially because I'm a minority (I'm gay), so you can get the idea. Homophobia, transphobia and discrimination in general has been on the rise lately, and the world feels less safe for me everyday, yknow? I don't really see a future in a world that hates me. It doesn't help that my parents are very conservative, and if they discovered my orientation, they could kick me out from the house.

And to answer your other question, I don't exercise, my food schedule is very irregular (currently working on that) and I don't take medication.

 

[amy joyce]

I don't really see a future in a world that hates me. It doesn't help that my parents are very conservative, and if they discovered my orientation, they could kick me out from the house.

I would really try to convince you that the world didn't hate you if your parents didn't seem so horrible. I'm very sorry to hear that. But please trust me that most of the hate is manufactured to increase the divide. I can't speak for individuals like your parents but wish that I could do something to help them understand you better and accept you, regardless of your sexuality or any other disagreements that shouldn't matter to them.

I'm conservative and homosexuality doesn't concern me at all. In fact I kind of adore many I meet, but that may be a general attraction to men or personal discovery that homosexuals are more down to Earth and kinder than others. Generally. However I don't appreciate hyper sexuality in any sense (movies; television; taught in schools; in fact I think children should be more guarded - whether it's "straight" sex education or LGBTQ).

Something I've had to do a lot of soul searching about is how much US divisiveness is being intentionally done and the increasing amount of media and political dishonesty there is. I studied it a great deal and Obama had a hand in that at an official level. I currently blame both parties for this and despite being conservative I'm not Republican or Trumper. I left the Dem party for reasons I won't get into, and decided I didn't want to join anything else. I don't feel represented in a corrupt state.

Conservatism has different meanings to various people. There's whatever lies and exaggerations the left often makes and then there is the truth about at least two other kinds. Yes homophobia exists, but they aren't just right wing or Republican (this I know for certain). Also I'm more culturally conservative as opposed to politically. I believe in getting married before having sex or especially having children. I believe in unity, community and traditional values. Dem's like to fill in the blanks regarding the definition say it means hate for minorities or a desire for women in the kitchen without basic rights, etc. Really off the wall stuff that's completely false. They put up random video of actions by lowlifes who represent a fraction of a group of unknowns, and talk about how much hate there is night and day. So I imagine that would instill fear in people, minorities especially, regardless of how untrue it likely is.

All said, I have depression too and some has to do with the current political climate. I know it affected my son who passed away last year. But I also believe there are fundamental changes occurring without our knowledge and consent (like changes in US sovereignty) and pushing AI so there will be so many layoffs that citizens will begin to basically beg for socialism. I'm not 100% opposed to the latter but under those circumstances I am. Mainly bc we have a very corrupt gov that constantly steals/lies from us (wars), so it can't be trusted to pass out the dole fairly. I also don't want govt having anything to do with me, like health care, and support small govt 100% (meaning more local power and less federal). Peace.