Help Gave into my depression after highschool

[DecayingCorporeal]

I don't know what to do with my life and I'm miserable. This will prob be a long vent and I'm sorta asking for advice as well, honestly Idk. For some context I'm currently 19 but will be turning 20 this July, I've graduated highschool back in 2024 and since then I've basically given into my depression and have been a waste of space since. I took a "gap year" after highschool and wasted a whole year bed rotting, I don't remember anything abt 2025 because I had done nothing but sleep all day, didn't leave the house, didn't work on hobbies, didn't have a job, literly just eating and sleeping. Now I went back to school for the first time last semester coz I was tired of being depressed and I want to do something with my life. But what. I'm completely lost, I wasted yet another year this year taking random courses coz I didn't have any plans after highschool. I originally didn't plan on going to college but I also don't wanna work at a fucking McDonald's my whole life. I had vaguely decided to try getting into EMS but honestly I don't even really care for it, I've been half heartedly perusing it coz ik my parents want me to go to college and I have no other plans. I was taking a bio 20 course this month but I got an email yesterday that I missed and only saw today basically saying that I was withdrawn from the course since I wasn't showing up. And I feel just so worthless right now. I'm almost fucking 20 and I'm still taking highschool courses. Im so over going to school I don't even care enough to show up for my single fucking course I had. Seriously what's so hard about showing up every day to ONE COURSE. JUST ONE. and I couldn't even do that. And now due to my own idiocy I got kicked out. I'm just so tired of myself. I'm tired of constantly disappointing myself but never putting in the effort to improve myself. I seriously want to kill myself over this, but at the same time I haven't even lived yet. I've wasted my whole life in complete isolation with no friends just alone, drowning in my own depression with problems of my own making. I have shit I wanna do. countries I wanna see, anime and manga I still have yet to read/watch. I don't wanna die a virgin either. I mean seriously I haven't lived at all. I don't wanna die yet. But im just so fucking suicidal all the god damn time. It's all I ever think about. I have nothing else to do to take my mind off it.
And now I don't know what to do. I got kicked out of my bio course and I'm not sure I can take a 20 level course over summer since I'm an adult. Honestly I don't even trust myself to put in the effort to take a course over summer. I don't wanna fail at it all over again. I'm seriously wasting away and I don't know what to do. Just last month I had a therapist reach out to me from a different school I attended asking if I needed his services. At the time I said no but now I'm regretting it. Maybe for once in my fucking life I would acc try seeking help. I've never gotten any sort of help for my depression since I for some reason always think I can will myself to just "get over it" and Clearly that's been working oh so well for me. On top of it all I'm suspecting I have other mental problems as well, some fucking ocd or smth abt intrusive thoughts. It's another reason why I've been reluctant to seek therapy but that's not the focus of this post so I won't yap abt it. I don't even think therapy can help me. Not with this. Fuck this I didn't ask to be born why do I have to deal with this crap. Does anyone else not know what to do with their lives? I know it's not uncommon and a lot of people in their 20s are lost but I still can't help but feel so damn worthless not even that just pure disappointment in my being and who I've become. I hate myself so severely it's driving me to suicide and no amount of therapy will help me get over it. I just hate myself to the very core and I'd rather die than live with this self hatred any longer

 

[PanaxMan]

I don't know what to do with my life and I'm miserable. This will prob be a long vent and I'm sorta asking for advice as well, honestly Idk. For some context I'm currently 19 but will be turning 20 this July, I've graduated highschool back in 2024 and since then I've basically given into my depression and have been a waste of space since. I took a "gap year" after highschool and wasted a whole year bed rotting, I don't remember anything abt 2025 because I had done nothing but sleep all day, didn't leave the house, didn't work on hobbies, didn't have a job, literly just eating and sleeping. Now I went back to school for the first time last semester coz I was tired of being depressed and I want to do something with my life. But what. I'm completely lost, I wasted yet another year this year taking random courses coz I didn't have any plans after highschool. I originally didn't plan on going to college but I also don't wanna work at a fucking McDonald's my whole life. I had vaguely decided to try getting into EMS but honestly I don't even really care for it, I've been half heartedly perusing it coz ik my parents want me to go to college and I have no other plans. I was taking a bio 20 course this month but I got an email yesterday that I missed and only saw today basically saying that I was withdrawn from the course since I wasn't showing up. And I feel just so worthless right now. I'm almost fucking 20 and I'm still taking highschool courses. Im so over going to school I don't even care enough to show up for my single fucking course I had. Seriously what's so hard about showing up every day to ONE COURSE. JUST ONE. and I couldn't even do that. And now due to my own idiocy I got kicked out. I'm just so tired of myself. I'm tired of constantly disappointing myself but never putting in the effort to improve myself. I seriously want to kill myself over this, but at the same time I haven't even lived yet. I've wasted my whole life in complete isolation with no friends just alone, drowning in my own depression with problems of my own making. I have shit I wanna do. countries I wanna see, anime and manga I still have yet to read/watch. I don't wanna die a virgin either. I mean seriously I haven't lived at all. I don't wanna die yet. But im just so fucking suicidal all the god damn time. It's all I ever think about. I have nothing else to do to take my mind off it.
And now I don't know what to do. I got kicked out of my bio course and I'm not sure I can take a 20 level course over summer since I'm an adult. Honestly I don't even trust myself to put in the effort to take a course over summer. I don't wanna fail at it all over again. I'm seriously wasting away and I don't know what to do. Just last month I had a therapist reach out to me from a different school I attended asking if I needed his services. At the time I said no but now I'm regretting it. Maybe for once in my fucking life I would acc try seeking help. I've never gotten any sort of help for my depression since I for some reason always think I can will myself to just "get over it" and Clearly that's been working oh so well for me. On top of it all I'm suspecting I have other mental problems as well, some fucking ocd or smth abt intrusive thoughts. It's another reason why I've been reluctant to seek therapy but that's not the focus of this post so I won't yap abt it. I don't even think therapy can help me. Not with this. Fuck this I didn't ask to be born why do I have to deal with this crap. Does anyone else not know what to do with their lives? I know it's not uncommon and a lot of people in their 20s are lost but I still can't help but feel so damn worthless not even that just pure disappointment in my being and who I've become. I hate myself so severely it's driving me to suicide and no amount of therapy will help me get over it. I just hate myself to the very core and I'd rather die than live with this self hatred any longer

Well I'm like you (and here's a tip. Highschool is a lot easier to cheat on) literally everything. I graduated from a top 1 to 2 public high school (besides technical schools within my state by basically cheating (with AI.) another tip is to aim for a 80 to 90 percent on assignments (DO not aim for a 100 percent unless you believe you are competent in actually explaining why you used a certain term or way of saying or expressing a idea. I did graduate though a year early and I did take a gap year for my mental health due to constant overwork since I was 7 (not schoolwork -> I crashed out at 13 with that). There's most likely hundreds of thousands of people like me (prodigies who were gifted years ago but crashed or burned out along with people who never complete highschool -> I know this since I have a useless brother who thinks he's superior leeching off of my parents when he has no high school diploma)