Fuck. SI is back.

[woofwag]

Last night I finally found peace with suicide. Or... I thought I had.

Today I was looking through all the notes on my notes app. I'm trying to sort them so I can give them to my friend to read through. And there's so many things I never did. So many things I still want to do. So many unfinished poems. But I am trapped by my brain. I cannot, and have never, been able to break my avoidance cycle. I don't want to be fucking 60 or some shit and realize that I failed at doing all of it. But if this path keeps up, I probably will be.

I wish I could give the goals to someone else. I wish they could inspire someone to do all of them. But I don't think someone could/would want to finish them all. Which is how I know I probably won't either.

I'm still out of money. I can't pay rent next month. I don't have money to finish my degree. To fix my car. To fucking live. So, there's probably not even a way to live much longer anyway.

My training did break me. I was trained to do/accept certain things from a young age. However, it was abandoned by my abuser when I was 17 because I did not fully adhere to it, and neither did my sibling. But it did fuck me up. I was the scapegoat child, so I was trained to believe that everything in my life that I did wrong was my fault. I had to be able to follow orders down to basically having to read my abuser's mind. And I couldn't do it, I couldn't ever succeed at being fully controlled. I couldn't control myself enough to ever be like that. So because I am so impulsive, self-sabotaging, unable to maintain goals, unable to adhere to the rules, even ones I set for myself, I'm just like... a blob. A blob with unfinished goals and so much love to give, but unable to even maintain that much due to my avoidance. The only person who I have ever been able to fully love is my friend. Because we're just magic like that. But I can't live just for them. I did that before, and it wasn't fair to either of us.

It's so disappointing that I'm like this. There really are still so many parts of myself who want to do these things. Read things, make things, sew things, buy things, forage things, wear things, even play video games I've wanted to get into. And I make zero effort to do any of them beyond just thinking of it.

I don't know how I would ever be able to achieve any of the things I want to do. Haven't been able to for 22 long, painful years. I wish I could snap my fingers and have the money and the will to live. I've tried, I've tried SO hard through college, therapy, and love. And it's never. fucking. WORKED. I want to die. I always have. And at the same time, I've always wanted to live. Even just for the little things, like the stories of the shapes I see in my walls. But I worry I will always be miserable. And if that's the case, despite all these little things, I don't want to continue. But I'll never know how things will shape out... if it ends up being good, I'd want to experience it. The only problem being that I have very little hope for that outcome. How I wish I could read the fucking future. And how I wish even more that I could destroy the parts of myself that refuse to ever work. I'm not sure where to go from here.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Consider listing some of the goals and ideas somewhere, maybe some of them can be done by either u, me, or others.

The current feelings are likely shaped by past trauma, I'm not sure what self help and professional help strategies were tried already, tho maybe the meditation thread in the signature below can help?

Such "training" is harmful, glad it stopped, an abuser doesn't deserve having people to abuse.

It can be tricky to rebuild a sense of identity, tho consider starting small, having someone u trust to mentor u, etc.

Going from thought to action can sometimes be done with the 5-4-3-2-1 method. Where one tells themselves they will "write 4 lines in 5-4-3-2-1" and treats the countdown as an instruction to start doing it. Then some short persistence can be added, and once done, one can admire that small success... and later build from there.

I'm not sure if counting from 5 like that has been tried, hope it's useful.

 

[woofwag]

Consider listing some of the goals and ideas somewhere, maybe some of them can be done by either u, me, or others.

The current feelings are likely shaped by past trauma, I'm not sure what self help and professional help strategies were tried already, tho maybe the meditation thread in the signature below can help?

Such "training" is harmful, glad it stopped, an abuser doesn't deserve having people to abuse.

It can be tricky to rebuild a sense of identity, tho consider starting small, having someone u trust to mentor u, etc.

Going from thought to action can sometimes be done with the 5-4-3-2-1 method. Where one tells themselves they will "write 4 lines in 5-4-3-2-1" and treats the countdown as an instruction to start doing it. Then some short persistence can be added, and once done, one can admire that small success... and later build from there.

I'm not sure if counting from 5 like that has been tried, hope it's useful.

Thank you for saying this. I'm going to try to finish as many poems as I can, and try to at least finish the gifts I want to make for people. Thankfully most things are already listed out, so I'll post them here for my goodbye letter.

I have tried meditation and mindfulness before, but it's always led to more harm than good. There's some recent research out there that show it can actually worsen feelings of anxiety, and I think I'm one of those people.

Yeah. It's why I'm a dog. So much training has got to lead to some outlet of obedience. At least I got some sense of identity from it that feels like my own. My friends have been helping a lot. Most are systems and therians like me. It's helpful to have their guidance.

I've never heard of that method before. I'll have to give it a shot. I'm not sure it will be successful with everything I want to do, but I'll try.

I'm still oscillating between "god i want to die so fucking bad" and "what if could be ok?" I hate the uncertainty of it all. That's the worst bit. Even my therapist said she doesn't know how to help. So idk. If meds don't work, therapy doesn't work, jobs don't work, temporary housing doesn't work, my degree doesn't work, hope doesn't work, if they all continue to not work, then ig that'll be it forever... but I can't tell at what point I'll be truly willing to give up. I just want out of this eternal limbo.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Thank you for saying this. I'm going to try to finish as many poems as I can, and try to at least finish the gifts I want to make for people. Thankfully most things are already listed out, so I'll post them here for my goodbye letter.

Poems :3

I have tried meditation and mindfulness before, but it's always led to more harm than good. There's some recent research out there that show it can actually worsen feelings of anxiety, and I think I'm one of those people.

Ah, that can sometimes happen if there are bad memories lingering. I wonder whether focusing on music that's playing can help.

Yeah. It's why I'm a dog. So much training has got to lead to some outlet of obedience. At least I got some sense of identity from it that feels like my own. My friends have been helping a lot. Most are systems and therians like me. It's helpful to have their guidance.

Glad u have friends who help guide u.

I've never heard of that method before. I'll have to give it a shot. I'm not sure it will be successful with everything I want to do, but I'll try.

Good luck, hope it works. ^^

I'm still oscillating between "god i want to die so fucking bad" and "what if could be ok?" I hate the uncertainty of it all. That's the worst bit. Even my therapist said she doesn't know how to help. So idk. If meds don't work, therapy doesn't work, jobs don't work, temporary housing doesn't work, my degree doesn't work, hope doesn't work, if they all continue to not work, then ig that'll be it forever... but I can't tell at what point I'll be truly willing to give up. I just want out of this eternal limbo.

The uncertainity is quite annoying. At least the therapist said "I don't know" vs "nothing can be done" (the latter statement is risky, because it discourages further attempts at help).

Additionally, whether an option works or not can vary based on what environment conditions one is in, and many other factors that change each time.

Random example - house's HVAC:
if the fuse randomly toggles, then some tries will fail vs succeed. Sometimes, maintenance is needed to fix it (or even restore electricity), so the car's HVAC becomes a potential option, tho even then, it needs fuel to run.

Back to the options, hope the conditions line up so the options have a better chance of working, I'm not sure of the details so sadly can't write anything more specific.