wantingdignity
Little lost
- Apr 5, 2025
- 164
I'm in a warning zone for my mind. I don't feel real right now. World events don't feel real. My friends and family don't feel real. It feels like I either exist in their lives to do something for them every once in a while, or they just don't actually want me for me. My body doesn't feel real. I've slept with three different people this week. I keep panicking and wanting to die. Eating and fucking are my distractions. I'm not doing well at work. I'm very broke. I feel like I'm slipping... Slipping....
I want to hurt myself to feel something. I want to hurt myself to stop feeling nothing. I feel like I'm already dead. My ghost comes out and just barely touches the real air. My soul is not in control. I'm just seeking anything. Anything that feels better than nothing in the moment. I promise that I was once a badass. I used to find myself almost attractive. I could have died and told heaven that I was proud of my life. Now I feel like I did die without ever being buried. My family didn't notice and is more annoyed than mourning. Did the men notice they were fucking a corpse? Am I not paid enough to feed myself because I don't need to eat? Do I go into debt to stuff myself so people don't notice I'm decaying? I want to scratch and tear my skin to bring my spirit back.
How do I find a therapist that sees this and not a checklist of symptoms? Someone that can coax my shy ghost back into this scary and dangerous and frail body.
The last guy was gentle and respectful and asked repeatedly for consent. Why was that more triggering than the one that choked me so hard I feared blacking out while he whispered that he was 6'4" into my ear. Im more attracted to women, but I fear their kindness. I want mean and anonymous. I'm scared of myself.
Thank you for reading my rant. I don't know what to do.
I want to hurt myself to feel something. I want to hurt myself to stop feeling nothing. I feel like I'm already dead. My ghost comes out and just barely touches the real air. My soul is not in control. I'm just seeking anything. Anything that feels better than nothing in the moment. I promise that I was once a badass. I used to find myself almost attractive. I could have died and told heaven that I was proud of my life. Now I feel like I did die without ever being buried. My family didn't notice and is more annoyed than mourning. Did the men notice they were fucking a corpse? Am I not paid enough to feed myself because I don't need to eat? Do I go into debt to stuff myself so people don't notice I'm decaying? I want to scratch and tear my skin to bring my spirit back.
How do I find a therapist that sees this and not a checklist of symptoms? Someone that can coax my shy ghost back into this scary and dangerous and frail body.
The last guy was gentle and respectful and asked repeatedly for consent. Why was that more triggering than the one that choked me so hard I feared blacking out while he whispered that he was 6'4" into my ear. Im more attracted to women, but I fear their kindness. I want mean and anonymous. I'm scared of myself.
Thank you for reading my rant. I don't know what to do.
