Venting Everytime I start wanting to live again I remember why I was suicidal in the first place

[technicallyAlive]

like sometimes i listen to an upbeat song or read a fun story and then i feel hopeful and confident that i can keep living for the next few years at least, and then i remember my teeth are stained and crooked and my hair is greasy from not showering and im fat with strawberry skin and i have round cheeks that make me look like a kid and thats just my physical traits. mentally. im lazy and depressed and i dont get work done and i think a lot about being a good person but its so hard to be there for others when no ones there for me, and no ones gonna be there for someone whos lazy and scared of people and going in public spaces and suicidal and who cant even at the very least look hot while struggling and then i remember that even if i dont want it, suicide is what has to be done . and even if i were pretty and skinny and sexy or whatever, this family has gone to shit. I dont want to be a mother and then become a replica of MY own mother and then traumatize another kid and so on and so fourth. so circling back, even if in the end i were pretty or something, it wouldnt even matter because i honestly think it would just be best if i just ended my bloodline here before inevitably making things worse</3

 

[xXSufferingXx]

i have certain days where i'm better (well, i shouldn't say I'M BETTER, i just mean where my circumstances have been better that certain day),
where people haven't been an asshole to me or whatever...
but then i remember, it's gonna be the same shit next week all over again

 

[FishRain3469]

Yepp, pretty much the same for me but with different situations. I get it, the whole Life on life's terms thing. The Same fckn toxic cycle; Over and over and over.. Can be Absolutely downright Maddening 2 say the Least !

Thoughts and prayers to you always, take care. ♥

 

[getoutgirl]

I relate to that so much. I have days when existance is tolerable and a sudden hope comes rushing in saying "hey, you like life, life's got good things in it better go take them" and I tell myself I will get better and yadda yadda. Then there are others in which the truth crushes me. And I don't know if it's the truth but it definetly presents itself as such and it brings me down to a point of convincing. That I'm defective, broken, deeply socially inept, a leech to my family, very few chances of ever squirming through the professional world that requires being social and human and all. I see others and I don't see myself. I think of dying and it sounds way to good, a role I would very much enjoy. All the physical stuff also that makes it not very much worth living If I'm trapped in this body. All the mental insects that I know are there and wont ever leave. I've isolated myself to a point I don't need to think about that stuff most times, it's not in my face, so I can delude myself into an okayish state that I'm sure will evaporate the moment I get out the door.
The moment when you remember the reasons hits the worst. It's painful truth. It really does feel like they descend and crush you. Sometimes I wish for a lobotomy girl...