Venting Does anybody else wish they had caught the bus sooner?

[nurplexkid]

Yes, i left it way too late.

 

[eternaltroubador]

You make it sound as if you are duty bound to CTB. You're not. It sounds as if life is ok for you. Give it a year and reevaluate. There's no hurry and certainly no duty.

Perhaps my post was poorly phrased. I don't feel obligated to ctb, i just want to do it for myself. I've wanted to do so for a long time. I really do not enjoy living. The fact that life got "ok" in many respects is really only to my detriment, as...
A. its proven to me that even when things go right for a while, I still just feel exhausted and miserable
B. having people that care about me has only made me feel more guilty for feeling the way i do.

I really fought to improve my life. it worked for a while, but even when i was progressing toward success i felt completely unsatisfied. and then i ultimately failed. I forced myself to try to make something of myself, and then had to watch it all crumble as i pathetically caved to my anxiety once again. pretty far from ok. I dont feel any sort of duty, i just want this more than anything else.

 

[watchingthewheels]

Yes. I had severe kidney stone blockage in 2016 that was making my kidney swell, and I looked and felt like walking death. There were nights I was ready to die from the pain alone, and hoped I wouldn't wake up. During the diagnosis phase, the hospital wanted to hold me a couple of times because of the findings, but I resisted and they didn't. Eventually I agreed to the removal procedure. Now, I wish I hadn't, and had just let nature take its course, except that it was so slow and painful. But I feel like I missed a window.

 

[Shadowrider]

I always do that.
Feeling guilty for being still around.
Feeling ridiculous for trying to give myself another - and yet another - chance. And it was never worth the try.
I don't have any future to look forward to. No matter how hard I try. I am ne'er good enough.

I should have died at the age of 13 when my classmates thought sitting on me - 6 of them! - was a funny thing to do. I should have understood where my place was when they used me as a rag, kicking me around on the school's dirty floor. I should have understood that it would not be otherwise when I grow up. I am unwanted, unless people want to pick on me. THEN I am needed. For the respective role of the doormat. If I don't accept that being a doormat is my only realistic ambition, then I might as well go and die. Simple enough to comprehend.

 

[Secrets1]

No because of the emotional impact on my family and self blame they would encounter. I'll try to buy them more time without that. I 100% wish I died in my accident by chance. It would've been ending life on a high note.

 

[cupples1979@hotmail.]

Right now would be great
Im so ready to fucking give up

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I have no idea why I carried on, it was stupid.

 

[Amumu]

I shouldn't have been born, but dying at 10 would have been great tbh

 

[Going Home]

Not until they created this phony "incapable" bullshit with their legal fiction.

Not until I heard them say to another one of them "You should see the old bag we're forced to carry around!"

Not until they said, "Won't you go ahead and kill yourself for us already."

Of course the other ones near home will say, "she makes things up and plays games." They are waiting.

I didn't ask you into my life. This was an invasion. You are the burden!

 

[GarageKarate07]

I've known I wanted this for a while, but this month might be the one I finally follow through and my only regret is it took me this long. There was a period of time where i was completely isolated, and the only people that would have missed me was my immediate family. It would have been so much simpler then and I wouldn't have to feel this guilt. There was a period of time I gave myself false hope and decided to give life a second chance. I met a lot of friends I have very close relationships with now, and I'm in a long term relationship with someone who I really care about and love. For anyone else that would be such a blessing. But despite how lucky I am, my anxiety makes every single day a trial and I'm more exhausted than I've ever been. I only want what I've always wanted, peace. Now I'm forced to leave people who deserve better through emotional pain in my wake. I feel selfish for leaving my friends and my girlfriend, but I've spent the last few months watching myself destroy every opportunity I ever had, and theres nothing left now. I have to CTB. If I deny myself this, I will suffer for ever. I just wish I did it sooner, back when there would have been a lot less people that would have missed me.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of guilt/regret?

I would have liked to die sooner. I would have missed some really fucked up things by going years ago. However I would have missed some great things as well. Its hard to judge what time is best to take yourself out of the game. This place is a horrible and hateful place to exist. It also has so many wonderful things that makes you sad that you want to leave it all behind. I can't find joy in things I used to love. Now all I feel is pain. People younger than me only feel pain and they also want to go after only just getting here. That says a lot about this world. We are prisoners here. It seems like we are just prisoners here in this awful place. We feel punished for things that we don't know about. Like our punishment is being here in this huge prison with trees and animals and mountains. What did we do wrong? Why do we deserve this horrible way of life? WE DON'T!! WE DO NOT DESERVE THIS FUCKED UP LIFE!! This pain here is not our fault. This pain here is thrust upon us from birth because the last generations figured "who gives a fuck about the kids!". We have to watch wars. We have to watch babies starve. We have to be locked in our fucking homes. We have to see our prisons full of good people while bad people rule the entire world. Like WHAT THE GOD DAMN FUCK IS GOING ON!? I wish I died long ago. I wish I had another life to ignore these things but I don't. Neither does so many people here on SS. This pain is too fucking much. God help the poor sacks of shit who are happy living in this shitbox of a world.

 

[fred farkle]

Yes. I had severe kidney stone blockage in 2016 that was making my kidney swell, and I looked and felt like walking death. There were nights I was ready to die from the pain alone, and hoped I wouldn't wake up. During the diagnosis phase, the hospital wanted to hold me a couple of times because of the findings, but I resisted and they didn't. Eventually I agreed to the removal procedure. Now, I wish I hadn't, and had just let nature take its course, except that it was so slow and painful. But I feel like I missed a window.

Thats fucking terrible!!! Massive sympathy to you,I had one little kidney stone years ago,I was doubledover in pain and vomitting in public,at work. I hope you are doing better!!

I always do that.
Feeling guilty for being still around.
Feeling ridiculous for trying to give myself another - and yet another - chance. And it was never worth the try.
I don't have any future to look forward to. No matter how hard I try. I am ne'er good enough.

I should have died at the age of 13 when my classmates thought sitting on me - 6 of them! - was a funny thing to do. I should have understood where my place was when they used me as a rag, kicking me around on the school's dirty floor. I should have understood that it would not be otherwise when I grow up. I am unwanted, unless people want to pick on me. THEN I am needed. For the respective role of the doormat. If I don't accept that being a doormat is my only realistic ambition, then I might as well go and die. Simple enough to comprehend.

But if you could win some victories in life youd be saying a hearty Fuck You! to the shit that bullied you! I had the chance to re do ky

my life,but I blew it,so I am fucked.

 

[LittleJem]

I would like to have died at 18. I could take out all these years of suffering and avoid the life that followed. I wouldn't have got married cos I'd have been dead. So much better. Now I look back on my life with regret, all those years of torment, mental illness and sadness. How much longer will I torture myself with life?

 

[who doesn't matter]

When I was 12. Ironically, that would have saved me from the hellish experiences I was about to witness. I am 26 now. Damn, wasted 14 years for practically nothing.

 

[watchingthewheels]

Thats fucking terrible!!! Massive sympathy to you,I had one little kidney stone years ago,I was doubledover in pain and vomitting in public,at work. I hope you are doing better!!

Thank you, Fred. I am feeling better re kidney stones, but the irony is that just as I got better, and feeling good even, the world shut down for Covid and started treating everyone as the walking dead, even the healthy. I decide to buck up and get back in the game, only to be punished for it. I don't know why I bothered.

(There's an old SEINFELD joke that talks about the ocean, how it doesn't want us in it...we keep going in, and the waves keep throwing us back out!)

 

[Symbiote]

The bus driver was blind the last 3 times I've tried. Totally drove right past me.

 

[Bauhaus]

YES ! Should have ctb 10 y or so ago, when my health wasn't so bad and there were more ctb options available.

 

[greyhound]

I would say most on here would probably say yes. The actual of CTB is quite hard/scary. So most suicidal people wish they had already gotten it over with.

 

[Final Escape]

I've known I wanted this for a while, but this month might be the one I finally follow through and my only regret is it took me this long. There was a period of time where i was completely isolated, and the only people that would have missed me was my immediate family. It would have been so much simpler then and I wouldn't have to feel this guilt. There was a period of time I gave myself false hope and decided to give life a second chance. I met a lot of friends I have very close relationships with now, and I'm in a long term relationship with someone who I really care about and love. For anyone else that would be such a blessing. But despite how lucky I am, my anxiety makes every single day a trial and I'm more exhausted than I've ever been. I only want what I've always wanted, peace. Now I'm forced to leave people who deserve better through emotional pain in my wake. I feel selfish for leaving my friends and my girlfriend, but I've spent the last few months watching myself destroy every opportunity I ever had, and theres nothing left now. I have to CTB. If I deny myself this, I will suffer for ever. I just wish I did it sooner, back when there would have been a lot less people that would have missed me.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of guilt/regret?

What do u mean u destroyed every opportunity u have had? Why do u want to leave if there's great people in your life? As sucky as shit is now because of covid. What is really the big driver do u think? Do u think maybe this is just a rough spot and u feel u have lack of options? I'm only curious is all. I sympathize because I wish I had done it long ago. My situation has become exponentially worse since the Covid bullshit came along but it was not happy before Covid either.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Yes. It is an every-day regret.

 

[Lost Magic]

I wish I caught the bus a looong time ago, yes. The more I have lived, the more I have lost.

 

[Loser47]

Yes, I should've been dead when I first attempted when I was 19.
Now I'm 24 and still here, hope I could just end it this year.

 

[Imaginos]

I've never had the guts to kill myself and have also never attempted suicide, but I do wish I had died sooner somehow. That's a morbid wish I've harbored for well over a decade now. Whether from illness, or getting run over, or from some such other sudden lethal event. Ideally, I would've liked to have died as a baby or, better yet, been totally stillborn.

 

[JipJopMop]

I think SN was easier to obtain in the past so I'm annoyed I missed out. Also before the pandemic I could have travelled to a foreign country to ctb but now I cannot

 

[void]

i should've done it when i was 11 but im too much of a pussy, still am frankly, even with a method and note down

 

[Breakout92]

I had a helium tank in my closet back when I was 21.. everything was ready for me to go. But then my therapist told me about a treatment that might help. I was so sure it would work, it was what I wanted my whole life. So i threw away the tank and gave it 7 years of trying but some things just aren't meant to be. I wish I had done it back then.. trying wasn't worth it.

 

[Lupgevif]

I had the perfect anchor point when I was still living by myself.

 

[Unlucked]

I wish I did it during the time I had one person who I trusted and felt loved and safe with, at least I could have died happy, but instead I pressed on and learned it was a lie.

 

[Trans Magus]

Back when I was around 12, my brother used to keep a loaded revolver on his desk. I was suicidal back then, I should have gone for it while I had the chance. Now I have a few people I know would be saddened by me dying and that keeps me from going for it with SN. If I had never forged those relationships in the first place, they wouldn't be hurt by my absence.

 

[Canttakeitanymore]

I wish i was never born

 

[life-eternal]

i regret not killing myself earlier. This feeling will forever be there, even when i die of old age. so what is the point of not killing myself? basically being too scared of hurting others and other things, but forever living with the regret of not doing it earlier. it's ridiculous