Despondent

[donewithyourview]

I'm honestly empty.

This week, my friends showed up at my doorstep in the middle of the night. They were concerned I was going to kill myself. They refused to leave and spent several hours just talking about mundane things with me. I've never been cared about like this in my life before, but that might just be because I've been very private in the past with my mental health. It was an overwhelming experience and I'm still emotional thinking about it.

But I am struggling. So, so much. I'd spent the past hour before my friends showed up burning my own arm and strangling myself intermittently with a rope until I got lightheaded. My arm is covered in ugly, raw, blistering burns. I can't hide this forever. I don't even know if I want to. Everyone already knows how much of a pathetic excuse for a human being I am. They've seen my self-harm scars, they've seen the bruises I inflict on myself, they see how I torture myself daily. It's so sad. I'm so disgusted with myself. Disgusted for letting the people I love and care about down.

There's an itch in the back of my head. It feels like a voice is constantly screaming at me to feel SOMETHING. It's not even pain; it's a sort of hollow, empty, void in the middle of my chest that's sucking up everything worth anything around me. My art, my grades, my friends, my loved ones, my memories, my traumas: everything disappears into a big nothing. Nothing. Pure emptiness. This is the voice that drives me to hurt myself. I am suffering; I feel that hurting myself in increasingly painful ways is the only way I'll be able to quiet the voice. But it only silences it for a few blessed seconds before the pain fades and the misery returns.

God, I just don't know what to do anymore. I am tired of the daily routine. I'm tired of getting up every morning. I'm tired of doing the same fucking thing every day for the rest of however long chance decides my life is. Do I not get a say? What the fuck am I waiting for? The guilt, the self-hatred, and the disgust is eating me alive. I feel like such a fucking coward every day because I know I'll never get the courage to do it. I'm still very young, the concept of my own mortality hasn't sunk in yet. I genuinely cannot comprehend it at all.

I don't know what to do. I am so, so lonely, so empty. I have wanted to be understood by someone, anyone, for my entire life.

I have second-degree burns on my arms. My body disgusts me. My face is twisted and grotesque. I hate everything about myself. I wish I wasn't a being. I wish I wasn't this freak.

 

[jodes2]

Don't call yourself pathetic, you handle so much pain more than most people you're not a coward at all, you're faced with very difficult choices I hope you stay and face the demons of life rather than the demons if death, things might get better, sometimes they do eventually with time and some work and inspiration you're not a freak, you're a suffering human being with very valid suffering

 

[SpiroSundae]

Hey you, I'm so sorry. so so sorry. I've self-harmed quite a bit as well, and everyone knows. theres no hiding it. its such a disgusting and vulnerable feeling.

 

[donewithyourview]

what do I do? How can I justify living?

 

[Unending]

what do I do? How can I justify living?

I'm trying to answer the same question. Life can be a very agonizing experience indeed for those of us unlucky enough to inherit trauma and depression. I'm sorry for the pain that you're in and I hope that it subsides. No one deserves this.

 

[almaranthine]

hey, it sounds like you have some very attentive friends that truly care about you. When I was young, I self-harmed pretty regularly from 13-14. My thighs are absolutely covered in razor-blade scars from that time. Instead of having friends like yours, mine were an echo chamber of depression and we didn't do much to make each other stop hurting ourselves. I've lived with my scars for a long time now, and eventually the shame of it faded away for me. I understand you are going through a very hard time, but don't push away your supportive friends, and don't feel so bad about the burns—they will heal. Who knows, perhaps you will start to heal too? You are still young and your brain hasn't fully developed yet. I hope for the best for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing really can be torture and it must be so awful having to suffer like that and it sounds so tiring being trapped in that situation. It certainly is such a cruel existence where all this endless torment exists but I wish you the best.

 

[Pluto]

what do I do? How can I justify living?

I'm sorry to see you in such an extreme state of distress.

As someone with a method available, a near 24/7 undercurrent of suffering and nobody who would care too much if I were gone, I was getting extremely close to CTB in recent days. However, I have decided to go into contemplation since I am aware of another factor at play.

In answer to your question, if you are wanting to keep living, the first step would be to consider that your thoughts are just thoughts, not truth. This is a tiny insight with vast implications. The demonic voice in your head is malware that was installed by some psycho from your past and should be treated as such. You cannot battle it without empowering it, like trying to calm the ripples in a pond by throwing more stones.

In my own case, I'm returning to the gold standard of accessible audiobooks on this topic, The Power of Now, in case it might be possible to end the vicious circle of judging myself to death. There's quite literally nothing to lose.