Discussion Describe how your day is going

[BeansOfRequirement]

Nothing I can figure out, nothing I can do. I've felt "done" with life many times for the past five years. Feels like there's nothing left to do but wait and suffer.

All of my thoughts, and posts for that matter, are so obviously just complete half-truth garbage pulled from thin air to protect this or that in my fragile ego that's been without nourishment for half a decade.

No chance of success in work, relationships or enjoyment. And I am only still breathing because I don't have a shotgun. What a fucking joke. No idea why I keep posting on here, either, same feeling as when I state my hopeless situation verbally, there is no point. Guess I have nothing better to do, gaming isn't a priority and that's what I occupy my time with. I don't enjoy it but it kills time.

Pursue the genetic interests? Impossible at this point, too far gone and I've tried enough to see that it won't be done. Fight the DNA? Right, hard determinism, no use in thinking about choices, no use in labelling things as useful either or not or what I just said. One future.

Bus is late again, it's starting to rain.

 

[littlelungs]

Today has been so beyond horrific.

I've already been having an extremely hard time as it is, with all the usual things that come with being chronically ill and having chronic pain and generally just being a total disaster of a human being, but on top of that I've been experiencing this indescribable pain in my gut that comes and goes in waves, and because of it I constantly have to get up to go to the toilet. This happens every now and then... I've had these kinds of stomach/gut issues since a series of incidents in childhood, and as a result it re-traumatizes me every time it happens.

I have barely slept, despite needing sleep so desperately, and there's nothing I can do about this pain. Nothing helps, and you're damn right I've tried every single thing I could possibly get my hands on. I just have to wait for it to pass, just like every other time, and I'm terrified by the mere thought that there could come a time where it doesn't end up passing. I hit my breaking point a long time ago; I really don't need this on top of everything else. I don't believe in God, but in times like these I still find myself praying for mercy.

I wish I still didn't have shit I need to take care of, because the amount of sheer suffering is off the charts. I want to finally be free of all of this.

Everything just makes me so sad.

 

[http-410]

I went cycling. This bicycle tour was quite adventurous by my standards.

After watching goats, I rode into the forest. I chose a path where I fell off my bicycle last year. The path leads through forest and thickets, but this time everything was much more densely overgrown, so that I had to push my bike at some point.

After a large part of the way, I reached a fallen tree. To the left and right were thickets and swamps, but I certainly didn't want to go back through all the tick-infested thickets I had left behind. I had to drag my bike over the tree. When I wanted to lift the bike over it, the pedals were stuck in a plant, so I first had to fumble out and grabbed thorns in the process. I'd call myself weak, but I did it.

After that I had to walk for quite a while trough that rainforest-like forest and I'm glad I made it out of there in one piece.

 

[sp1rlfern]

It's only 10 am and I'm already very tired. Will get home after 8 hours then I'll take a nap and maybe eat something. Honestly the same as any other day, just more exhausting. I don't like being around people for this long.

 

[greebo6]

Increasingly lonely and sad as the day goes on.

 

[bieatmania]

Today was dose day of pregabalin, which I take every other day recreationally.
it was fun and all, but I noticed that euphoria I got initially is becoming less intense every time I dose, so I'll need to take tolerance break and reconsider dosing schedule.
the more happy I get the more I want to share it with someone, I know I can be happy alone but I just want friends. I'm just lonely.
rewatched my favorite russian movie "brat", it's really a great movie with excellent music.
I think that there's too much time I have to stay awake and it's exhausting, I wish I could "refresh" myself by things other than bed.