I cut off my best friend about a year ago & only speak to family & barely do that. Nobody talks at my job because were micromanaged to hell my manager runs the place like its the army so I dont socialize there. I attempted in high school but didn't get very far so I have qualms with even calling it an attempt cause I told a bunch of people honestly hoping to be saved & police showed up before I did anything. It was more of a cry for help.
But now I am seriously worried Im going to act on one of these thoughts any day now & I hate myself deeply knowing the pain it'll cause my mom & my family. I've been working 5-6 days a week at this shitty bagel shop for over a year not speaking to anybody & most days I crash on the floor of my apartment & doomscroll until i pass out from exhaustion. I have hobbies ive dropped one by one plans & things i wanted to do with my life ive let go & now the past 2 months have been me mustering every bit of energy from the depths of my soul to show up to work and go home. My parents drilled work ethic into me, I can show up to work on time & do a good job & do what i can do make things more bearable for my coworkers & communicate clearly with job related stuff
but when i go home i lay on the floor & cry myself to sleep. not all days, most days i dont cry. some days i force myself out & trt to experience life & spend time in nature. but every night i cant bring myself to even take basic care of myself before bed, so i sleep on the floor so the bed isnt dirty. it sounds so stupid and is. i can shower getting ready for work & my hygiene and self care looking presentable before i leave the apartment i do. but for myself i have nothing left. its been like 5his for a long time now. Its unsustainable & I have almost cracked so many times. Its only a matter of time
The times i get emotional are when i have two off days in a row. It has probably happened twice in the past 2 months its lined up that way. I never call out. I never request off. wide open availability. I just want people to not suffer as much as I did when i first started here. The good thing about where i work is you get off very early since we work early mornings. I want people to not have to go through hell to just to have a job they can have the afternoon time with their friends & families. it is fulfilling when i see the difference i make and my coworkers actually happy. but i can only do so much as a regular employee. if i promoted id be able to help more but i think the emotional stress would then pile over & the mask would break, i feel thats how most of these managers become the people they are. deeply miserable as I am but they took on too much trying to make a difference and let it pile over until they dont recognize what they do it for in the first place. i will kill myself if i EVER put anybody through that
its just hurt people hurting people
everywhere
all the time
i refuse to contribute
But now I am seriously worried Im going to act on one of these thoughts any day now & I hate myself deeply knowing the pain it'll cause my mom & my family. I've been working 5-6 days a week at this shitty bagel shop for over a year not speaking to anybody & most days I crash on the floor of my apartment & doomscroll until i pass out from exhaustion. I have hobbies ive dropped one by one plans & things i wanted to do with my life ive let go & now the past 2 months have been me mustering every bit of energy from the depths of my soul to show up to work and go home. My parents drilled work ethic into me, I can show up to work on time & do a good job & do what i can do make things more bearable for my coworkers & communicate clearly with job related stuff
but when i go home i lay on the floor & cry myself to sleep. not all days, most days i dont cry. some days i force myself out & trt to experience life & spend time in nature. but every night i cant bring myself to even take basic care of myself before bed, so i sleep on the floor so the bed isnt dirty. it sounds so stupid and is. i can shower getting ready for work & my hygiene and self care looking presentable before i leave the apartment i do. but for myself i have nothing left. its been like 5his for a long time now. Its unsustainable & I have almost cracked so many times. Its only a matter of time
The times i get emotional are when i have two off days in a row. It has probably happened twice in the past 2 months its lined up that way. I never call out. I never request off. wide open availability. I just want people to not suffer as much as I did when i first started here. The good thing about where i work is you get off very early since we work early mornings. I want people to not have to go through hell to just to have a job they can have the afternoon time with their friends & families. it is fulfilling when i see the difference i make and my coworkers actually happy. but i can only do so much as a regular employee. if i promoted id be able to help more but i think the emotional stress would then pile over & the mask would break, i feel thats how most of these managers become the people they are. deeply miserable as I am but they took on too much trying to make a difference and let it pile over until they dont recognize what they do it for in the first place. i will kill myself if i EVER put anybody through that
its just hurt people hurting people
everywhere
all the time
i refuse to contribute
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