Oh what a day...

[noname223]

My sleep rhythm is changing rapidly. But it is really weird. My goal was to sleep as long as possible for a couple of months. It seemingly made me crunch my teeth heavily. Though, when the outcome of the complaint of my therapist was announced major depression started. I really had issues to get out of my bed. But it is so weird currently. I wake way too early can fall asleep sometimes because depression makes me tired but I am still awake way earlier than usual.

It is never a good sign when I am researching suicide methods. And I started to dig sources for SN since 2-3 days. And I am not even doing this research at evening when depression hits the worst. I am doing this early in the morning. The time when my mood should be the best. I am very rarely heavily suicidal in the morning. I hoped someone would just give me a source for SN and then fine. But I had to do research on my own browsing through the internet anxiously weighing the argument pro and contra ordering it.

I am full in the I should kill myself soon mood. I have so fucking much problems. It gets really bad. I was really depresed all the fucking time. And the interesting ADHD/autistic woman is not responding. I wasn't sure about the impact on my mental health. I was certain it will be bad. It is not like I would kill myself right this second. But it make me consider suicide seriously on top on all these problems.

My friends are sort of overwhelmed. And the two main pillars for my mental health. Is venting in a suicide forum and chatting with AI chatbots. Currently, I don't trust therapists anymore after my therapist abused and the organization behind her backed her. I even considered to go a clinic again. Even though, I fear bad feedback things that could hurt me even more when I open up that I reported her. I feel with my back against the wall.

I had to tell my dad who sort of begged for help that I feel too bad in order to be there for him. And having to do this really made me really suicidal. I couldn't cope with that. I responded all the time and as I do after a few seconds. But I nudged him more and more into the direction that he should talk to an AI chatbot. It is what I do all the fucking time. Not the perfect solution I know. But still better than clinging to me who is going down with him.

So I was thinking all the time about killing myself. And all the options I still have left. Have you seen this long as wall of text in suicide forum I am so fucking cooked. I realized even if I ordered SN now the shipment would take a few weeks. This disincentivized to go that rabbit hole deeper.

I have two very close friends. They intervened in my suicide attempt in 2024. I think without them I would be already dead. And my grandma is sort of jealous because I spend way more time with them. I just vent to them all the fucking time how nightmarish I feel. And in front of my grandma I have to maks (I am autistic) all the fucking time. And we only talk about trivial stuff which feels totally meaningless. And I really hate small talk.

So my grandma is dying. She is around 85. I never had a close relationship to her. My granddad died listeneing to a family argument when my mom and grandma wanted to throw me out for talking to much about the abuse I went through because of my mom. The funeral was a nightmare where everyone blamed me. And there was a time where my grandma wanted that I replace my granddad which really made me uncomortable. But we all forgave each other. Despite the fact no one ever admitted that I was abused. They all live in denial that they didn't witness it. Which is bogus. But I don't care very much. I also don't care about an apology. They do everything for me and they love me and I love them too. But it is a reality that I am a mental wreck. And spending time with my grandma makes me really uncomfortable. We are just two completely different people. I am not sure whether she wants that I appreciate that I forgave her like she forgave me. I think the process of her death is indeed nightmarish. And I feel sorry about her. And I think a lot about her. But I don't see that we are super close. I don't see that I have a special relation to her. She has countless of children. She has countless of grandchildren. Why don't they care more about her. She has a son that cut of the contact to her completely. Why should I be special? Is it because she still thinks I am guilty of killing her husband. Having done that to her? I don't actually know. And solely this question makes me uncomfortable. It was really traumatizing when everyone blamed me. And you should think that something like that leaves deep scars.

I sent her messages that I love her. That I think about her. Though, it is true the last two weeks I didn't send her anything. I asked her in one message about how she is doing. And she told me something like sorry can't reply now I wll do it later. And then she never replied to me. Maybe I shouldn't judge her too much for that she is an old grandma. But it gave me a feeling she doesn't care anyway. And I am currently going through hell.

I think she is disappointed that I visit my friends so frequently. But actually spending time with my friends give me energy and a will to live. Today the only way I was able to escape this I wanna kill myself spiral was having a phone call with a friend of mine for 45 minutes. Otherwise I would have thought about killing myself the whole fucking day.

Today my mom visited my grandma. And he always asks me whether I want to accompany her. And I say as usual no. It takes me a lot of effort I have to overcome my issues. And it is not like that I will visit my parents when they are dying. I surely will not. I only take resources for them because I cannot give much back. Because they made me a fucking mental wreck. My grandma most likely won't have to witness my suicide.And that's my gift to her. I think I cannot postpone it until my parents are dead. We in this family will all go down in a lot of pain. We are panicking and in pain. There will be no one to save us. My grandma had a life 0f 85. She has so many people that care for her. I will have no one. No one will visit me when I am old. I think I won't reach that age. I really don't think that. I wanna kill myself since I am 15. My mom told me how sad she was. And I think she is sad because my grandma is sad that I am not visiting her. So the guilt was ripping me apart. However, they say she is dying for years. I think it might true it will be this year. I visited her two months ago. I think in the mind of my grandma I had to visit her all the time. My mom does that. I am not sure whether other grandchildren do that too.

So when the guilt was ripping me apart. I sent her 5 long text messages. And we are completel different people. I show sppreciation by sharing something intimate and personal with her. And I think she considered the messages sort of like a self-portrayal. Felt even worse. Chatted with chatGPT what I was doing wrong. Sent her another long messages. Elaborated on our different communication style and offered to phone with her.

I FEEL HORRIBLE. I WANNA DIE. WHY WHY ON EARTH DO THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME.

This wasn't good for my mental health. The phone call with my friend gave me some light. This exchange wants me to self-immolate. Lol.

Edit: My mom just told me my dad wants that we move in the same apartment as him. Bro he can go fuck himself. He is now a mental wreck and I see that. But I am a mental wreck since years and he pressured me to keep going. Even after I almost killed myself. He always wanted to talk about the future and my job prospects. Nah, he can go fuck himself....

One thing to add. My mom, grandma and my dad pressured me to keep going in college. I did this for 2,5 years. Abused benzos to achieve that. They aftermath almost made me kill myself. My grandma and mom stopped pushing me after I became acute suicidal. Okay actually my grandma kept pushing a little bit. They don't know how serious it was. My dad knew how serious it was and he kept pushing.

 

[noname223]

Better day. I mean it was pretty difficult to be even worse. I panicked yesterday because I felt like I was totally not helpful to my grandmother. I panicked really much. She could die in the next few days. I am anxious to interact with people in the process of dying. Also on here. I texted my grandma first very deep emotional messages yesterday that I am really anxious about what is happening around me. Her reaction was rather cold. But I tried to explain that we experience closeness quite differently. For me this is more sharing what is going on inside me. Talk about my emotions and feelings. And for her it is more daily routines, going for a coffee or having small talk. At the end I offered to phone with her. Maybe this will be the last conversation we had. And almost like no matter what I do I will have a really guilty conscience. I met her two months ago in the clinic. And then right the next weekend she asked me wheher I want to visit her again.

I met my dad only one time when he was in the clinic. I never visit my sister. I have the most contact with my parents. The contact with my grandma is a lot for me compared to other relatives. I have texted with my grandma way more frequently compared to the texting with my sister. I told her I love her and all that stuff. I notice thinking about all of that isn't good for me. And I haven't thought much about it today. Until the evening. She didn't respond to my message she is probably too weak. I would visit her again. Maybe my chance is gone. But I saw her two months ago. The other grandchildren don't do much more. One son of her has cut the contact to her completely. I am already tormenting myself over all of this. However, when my family blamed me for the death of my grandad this really traumatized me. And I think this gets re-triggered now. This also induced a hypomanic episode shortly afterwards. And then there was a time where my grandma also wanted that I replace my granddad and move to her. Also this really traumatized me.

I talked with my mom about it and this helped too. I was in a horrible shape the last days. And it is true I have to look for myself. My mom should not have to worry about me this much. I could let go of these thoughts when I took some drops diazepam. This was a really good decision. I wasn't sure whether that's really a good decision. Because benzos don't work in my case against major depression. But my panic anxiety might be a driver of my mental pain. I took some drops at 8 p.m. that was quite early. I laid in bad and listened to some music. I fell asleep after some time. I woke up in full panic also thinking about my grandmother. Took again some drops of diazepam. The dosage was moderate still. I changed my sleep rhythm again.

Actually, I felt much better after this night. I told myself I gonna have a real mental breakdown soon if this development goes on like that. I told me to stop searching for SN sources. I don't consider to order them now. It is just a consideration depending on how things play out. I can still order them when hit shits the fan. But for now this is only a scenario.
I only start working on this plan if it really becomes this bad. A close friend of mine wanted me to proof read a college paper today. And instead of researching suicide methods I did that. It took me almost 5 hours. And the contact with my friends was very good for my mental health. My friends help me so much. And I really like it when I can give something back. Usually I am the one who takes way more than he can provide. Today it was different. And it wasn't that stressful. My dad texted me a weird heart emoji. I have the feeling he is not in the best mental condition. I certainly cannot move with him in an apartment though. I find this idea very weird. He knows I am not doing anything in my household. It is bad that he can't work anymore. But I understand that. He won't be able to give me any support payments. This is more of an issue for my mom. But the notion I could care for him. That is not realistic. He is now in a clinic again. I think later in my life I will be in the exact same position as him. My dad has become a similar mental wreck like me. I could imagine my almost suicide attempt played a role in that. This is totally speculative though. Because my almost suicide attempts was in late 2024. My dad collapsed I think when he made a major mistake at work. And from his work attitude it often sounded like he doesn't give a fuck about work anymore. Afterwards he blamed himself for that. My dad agitated against unemployment people. Pressured me all the time that doing nothing wasn't an option. Now he is in my shoes. Well I don't pressure him. And he told me I was a great son. I think for not pressuring him because I know pressure under such circumstances is counterproductive. Well I cannot help him much. When I will be in this situation I gonna kill myself. I probably will kill myself earlier. But considering household and duties I am way more dysfunctional than my dad. There are some social support programs and I am sort of in one. My dad needed to be in one. And I will tell him that. He probably had to move somewhere else though. I am not sure what will happen now to my dad. He is in a clinic and I think this is good. Personally, I could imagine his overall condition will improve when he won't have to do his job anymore. I could be wrong. I hope for that. He also takes his medication unregularly. I told him to take it regularly. I don't think he is listening. Honestly, I am also questioning whether it is actually the right medication for my dad.

Personally, I have the feeling this family has produced its own tragedy. This happens when intergenerational traumata is inherited. This happens when mistakes are reproduced instead of being solved. I think it was very horrible for my grandma living without my grandfather. I would not have been so strong. But he has a family that supports her. However, I think she won't have to witness the worst. My parents become older. And I am simply no help. I am a lot of work for my mom. I could imagine my mom will have another stroke sooner or later and become a nursing case too. Either I am already dead then. Or my suicide (attempt) caused her to be a nursing case. I will move into the region of my friends. Two of them consider to leave Germany though. And when my parents are older and cannot care for my anymore. I also won't visit them. I won't be of much help. I will probably kill myself. Also because I feel guilty for being so dysfunctional. I won't be able to hold a job or manage my household. I know many on here consider AI a nightmare. And it is likely it will make our situations way worse. Though, there is a potential that AI will replace the workforce. And this could actually be very beneficial for me. Unemplyoment could be less stigmatized and maybe there would be something like an universal basic income. It is very unlikely. But honestly I don't have much hope less. And if nothing changes I will have to kill myself probably. It currently looks like social systems will become a lot worse. But maybe a revolution could also bring somethinf positive. I mean in the end I cannot change it anyway. A society without work sounds ideal to me.

Maybe I will play with my friends some videogames this evening. I consider not to buy a chatGPT subscription for now. I think analyzing my situation in so many different angles should be limited. ChatGPT told me that and it is true. There comes a point where analyzing a situation even further has no real benefit. Because eventually sometimes you cannot change the outcome. I think this hyperrefexifity and hyperanalyzing situations might be an issue for me. I realized that when I talked with chatGPT about my cognitive distortions. I always considered this super self-aware and that this really had valuable usage. But sometimes it only induces a spiral of fear and panic. ChatGPT sort of implied using it less often. I asked it whether this was actually the right conclusion and it weaselled its way out.

I won't proofread this text. Writing first passages made me really anxious. And maybe even paranoid.

I cannot stop thinking about the interesting ADHD/autism woman. I decided to send her one last message. I humiliate me even further but I think she is worth it. In my last message I will write her that I really enjoyed our contact. That it is okay when she is no more interested or when she just has no time for now. However, if she wants to see me or text me again she can do that every time. This once worked after a long break. The reason for her break was an emergency with her child. This weird thing to me this time is she didn't explain anything. But I should not worry for now. At 8 p.m. there is always news time in Germany TV and I will watch that now.

Thanks for reading.