Resource Death Diary

[Nirrend]

Good evening
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(09/19) It was an ordinary day. I didn't do anything but celebrate a birthday the day before.

So the fact that I drank alcohol and spent time with people I was close to, made me start from scratch.

It was as if I had amnesia, but only from an emotional point of view.

I came out simply neutral, aware of my plans but neutral.

I wasn't any more productive than that and I honestly don't care.

My mood was 5/10, simply passive in front of what surrounds me, without really feeling any pain but still being aware of having a plan to ctb.
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(09/20) As usual, everything comes back, gradually.

I have the feeling that I have cancer and that I am doing chemotherapy in vain. This metastasis is growing inside me, it's getting bigger every day and I try to find strategies to get rid of it.

So I apply vain methods: chemotherapy, relaxation, medication (which we could compare to drinking alcohol, seeing people, putting myself in denial).

But I feel like I'm fighting something that is absolutely unchangeable.

I'm just acting on the periphery, I'm acting on the symptoms but not on the cause.

What annoys me is that I know the cause, or at least I know the causes, but I can't act on it and I can't do it either.

So, inevitably, the struggle is futile.

So I did nothing, I just waited for the day to end, I listened to music all day, I smoked almost compulsively all day.

My mood was 8/10, emptiness and anhedonia return
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(09/21) This day was a continuation of the previous one. My condition deteriorated a little more.

I was bathed in my torments and emotions. I couldn't think anymore, I was very tired, I was dragging my feet and I felt slowed down.

I feel that in my whole life I will never be able to understand what joy is in everyday life, I will never be able to undertake a life where my emotions are stable.

I just feel sad and empty.

I feel like I don't have any control, I don't know anything, I'm not capable of anything. And at the same time, I don't want to do what is necessary to be able to be again.

My mood was 9/10, a void, a sadness, as usual
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(09/22 & 09/23) As I had to do on the 19th of September, I had to participate in a party with friends. This party took place over 2 days.

As I said before on this thread, these are moments that keep my mind busy and so I have less time to think and torture my mind.

And of course, as I said before, as the days go by and the end approaches, I find myself less and less able to experience these moments as a breath of fresh air. They don't mark me anymore and I isolate myself or I would say that when I start to have a bit of fun, suddenly, a flash of my plan and of the time I have left and there is the anxiety, the depression too.

My mood was 7/10 during these 2 days, alternating regularly between flashes related to my plan and moments where I have a little fun.
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(09/24) The party is over and as usual, these moments are systematically accompanied by a terrible return to reality.

The anguish has returned, as has the malaise.

In the afternoon I saw some of my family members. I was able to say a last "Goodbye" to them. I will not see them again.

I'm afraid I won't be able to do that, in a way I guess it's interesting that I mark this here because it shows me how much SI is growing lately.
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(09/25) So today,

As usual, nothing, sadness, weariness and suffering.

Two hours ago, I was able to go for a smoke. It had been a while since I had been able to apply my ritual. I was able to be alone, in the dark, with my playlist ready.

It was so good, I went back to the last few months where I used to do this, it had been a while since I had the opportunity to have this setting and the criteria fully met to find myself 100%.

All this sadly reminds me how quickly time passes and how inexorable the end of each existence is.

My mood was 10/10, I was supposed to do it at the beginning of September, but even now I can't, I have to wait again. I'm worn out, I'm at the end.

And I know that when I have absolutely everything ready, I should still find the courage to do it.

All this is really not an easy thing.
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Finally, I just wanted to write a little memorial here: I apologize for everything @takemenowpls, I'm really down since you left. I didn't have the time to become your real friend, I didn't have the time to talk with you and try to help you to suffer less.

You sincerely deserved another end, unfortunately, isolated and suffering in your silence, I did not know how to be your melody and I did not know how to find you other solutions than ringing the bell.

If I had had the time and the opportunity, believe me, I would have done it

Rest in peace friend, I miss you <3

I wish you a good night

 

[Nirrend]

Here we are at last, the last publication I intend to make on this thread. It will have been 3 long months of introspection, 3 months of an experience that I found really interesting, that I don't regret, but also 3 months in which I realize today that I have locked myself up without being able to get out of it.

Even if I stop publishing in this journal, I won't go directly ctb afterwards, I simply think that this journal doesn't bring me much more because my choice is already taken.

After all it was the game, I had announced from the beginning that I was sincerely thinking about ending it and I think that the slope in which I was carried away is not more unpleasant than that because in the end, everything will be fine.

Well, I will describe one last time the days I spent
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(09/26) I don't really know what to say about my days anymore because, as I said a while ago, I've finished everything, the donations, the preparations, the planning (I just have to get all the materials ready and write my letter again because I'm not happy with it at all, but for now I can't do anything but wait).

Overall, what I find amusing is that the closer I get to the end, the less I fear it. Of course, there are many factors that keep me calm in the face of it all, but when I look back at myself 10 years ago, when I experienced my first deaths, the first illnesses in the family, it terrified me.

But I can't help thinking, "They had no choice, it happened, some suffered, but they did it, they died". It's these kinds of thoughts that I cling to when anxiety tries to take me by surprise. And surprisingly, the rational is much stronger and much more interesting to consider than the emotional when it comes to themes like these.

Finally, on the whole, I just wondered about death, I just remembered that people have been passing through it for thousands of years and that I am just a speck of dust in the cosmos. That my death is absolutely nothing in the face of all that is happening and it is this reasoning that makes me think that, because we have had too much of a tendency since birth to consider the human and the present as an absolute truth, it is this thought that makes me think that animals, for example, live without asking themselves the question (except for some, who are endowed with cognitive skills close to those of humans and who can ask themselves questions when confronted with them).

This kind of thinking makes me realise that this period of history tends to make us death phobic. To think that years ago, philosophers saw death as an achievement and their ultimate goal. Contemporary medicine tends to make us believe that we are immortal, and then SI is much stronger. Life expectancy, although declining today, has undergone a collosal evolution that has meant that questions about our own death only begin to arise in our fifties or so. Centuries ago, I imagine that at the age of 15, many people were already bitterly saying to themselves "Ah shit, I've only got 15 years to live".

The survival instinct is only linked to the treatment of the subjects related to death.

Anyway, I know that when the time comes, I may be seized by an unbearable SI, but I give myself hope that I can do it.

My mood was 7/10, sad, empty and I isolated myself.
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(09/27) And precisely when it comes to not keeping calm anymore, I sometimes find myself wanting to rush things by letting the suffering overflow.

I woke up in a bad mood, I dreamt of things and sufferings from the past and so the day was absolutely terrible.

Crying spells at the slightest opportunity, unable to start anything, just waiting, in the dark, with an inner weight making me want to force my way out of this organic prison.

My mood was 10/10 and I honestly thought from morning till night that this was the perfect moment with no risk of failure.
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(09/28) I woke up the same as the day before,

Except that, and I think that those who know that time is short will perhaps confirm this, I find myself from time to time entering a cycle:

I become aware of death and the end as a possible and imminent thing --> I distract myself in some way because the days are too long --> I forget about the project --> I get caught by the upcoming reality --> I get very anxious --> I rationalize --> I become aware of death and the end as a possible and imminent thing

SI is a permanent and unrelenting force. It will never go away, except obviously in cultures that favour societies to men and where man feels the duty to suppress themselves so as not to hold back their peers (I'm thinking of Japan, my analysis is probably clumsy but that's sincerely how I see it).

Finally, I'll describe something funny. Have you ever had someone come back and talk to you unexpectedly? A person you loved deeply before and who, for their own reasons, didn't want to hear from you for years and who suddenly appears out of nowhere?

That's what happened to me, the dialogue tried to be reestablished on his part, but in vain.
Because I think many people here are going through it too, but I've always felt that the suicidal process is like climbing a mountain.

You start from the bottom, and the climb is slow. Slow but painful, but the view from above is better than what happens below. In the end, after a hard fight against this rocky wall, we arrive at the top and slowly but surely, we advance towards a precipice.

I have always thought of climbing as a reversible process. If before you take off to jump, someone grabs your hand and pulls you back down, I assume you'll accept it and it will be possible to go back. But when you have already taken the momentum to jump off that cliff, it's already too late.

For me, I live it like that, I have already taken too much momentum and I refuse any "help" because I don't believe in the sincerity of it and because I have advanced too much to try to recover.

Anyway, My mood was 9/10, with a strong SI kicking in, a feeling of being sick, in bad health
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(09/29 & 09/30) It's day and night. I think I've exhausted my fears and pain of the last few days (or maybe I've put myself in denial?) and therefore I just lived the day without asking myself a single question except to say to myself "Enjoy but don't forget that you don't have to project yourself back in time".

I even imagined the scene to test myself and fully familiarise myself with the future act.

I sat on my bed, pretended to hold the bottle in my hands, to open it (at this point I felt a very strong wave of anxiety). I waited a good minute for the emotions to pass so that I could feel the fact that I was dealing with an act that was thoughtful and that I felt good about. Then I pretended to open the cap and drink the contents of the vial and finally lay down (as I would on the day).

It's funny because, just the fact that I was miming the gestures and doing everything I could to give myself the illusion that it was really my attempt and that I really had the material in my hands, all of that, it calmed me down a bit and it really made me think, "This doesn't seem that impossible to do.

My mood was respectively 5/10 and 6/10
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(10/01) It's just another day where I try to keep myself busy as best I can, but it's complicated when the only thing we're obsessed with is being at peace.

I've just been plagued by SI all day because rather than confronting it, I've preferred to run away from it by distracting my mind.

My mood was 7/10
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(10/02) It was a day like any other, except that an argument with my family added to what I was going through, so if I could have had a gun, I would have blown my whole body away with a burst of gunpowder.

I hate myself and I hate them.

I hate mental illnesses that make others suffer without the carrier suffering, but conversely, I sincerely pity those who suffer from a mental illness, who are aware of it and are rejected.

I think of you and I sincerely apologise for what you are going through.

In the case of my parents, I'm talking about perversion, I'm talking about dishonesty, I'm talking about denial, I'm talking about blaming others. That's the kind of mental disorder I was talking about.

In short, this surge of rage, this feeling of overflowing inside made me start my letter again with a completely different way of saying goodbye in it.

My mood was 10/10, I was overwhelmed and wanted to hurt myself, to hit myself
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(10/03 & 10/04) And finally, the last two days.

Overall, I feel like it's the end very soon but I'm not worried about it at all.

As I said above, sometimes I get anxiety and SI kicks in suddenly because I let my guard down, but overall I don't think anything bad or scary about it. The scenario is constantly running through my head (I'll describe it shortly because I want to remain anonymous), I have the images, the plot, everything.

I am exhausted, I feel as if my health is really threatened, as if I have real physiological problems (pale, trembling, blood pressure drops, absolute anhedonia, sadness, feeling of being frozen but also blue hands because I am extremely cold, nausea and dizziness).

I feel that I can no longer give the slightest effort in anything, I don't speak anymore or hardly at all, I can't think at all and when I try to think, I hate myself because I tell myself that I'm not worth anything anymore, that the knowledge I had is disappearing and that I'm no longer legitimate to maintain it because I'm just a piece of shit whose only right is to suppress itself.

I feel a constant fatigue, I sleep from morning to night and I either don't eat at all or I eat compulsively.

Despite these naps that turn into hibernation, I wake up always more tired and unwell.

The only thing that keeps me going is the awareness of a coming end.

My mood was respectively 9/10 and 10/10.
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First of all, I wanted to thank all those who stayed from the beginning to the end of these 3 months of experience. I know that often what I wrote was redundant and uninteresting but I sincerely tried to make sense of my sad life until the last breath.

As I have always said, if it turns out that this diary has helped anyone, even a little bit, if it turns out that my writing has kept people company or if it turns out that this diary has inspired you, helped you in any way, then I suppose I have at least achieved something in my lifetime.

It's been a long ordeal, but I think it's important to stop before things get too far out of hand.

I will of course write my final comments (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/3-months-of-death-diary-final-concluding-comments-3.100763/) and I will try to consider from a more, I won't say scientific, but synthetic point of view, what I can personally and what I can also pass on to you from all this.

As I said at the very beginning, I am not going to ctb immediately afterwards or in the next few days.

Knowing that I am now sure of myself and my choices, I will just enjoy the next 10 - 20 days one last time with my loved ones and try to freeze a positive image of myself in them. I want them to be happy and I want to be happy one last time.

Of course, I'll do my best to document as much as possible when I finally say to myself "I'm going", but I don't think I'll wait very long to be honest.

Once again, I have a thought for 2 people who I can't thank enough
- @CommitSudoku
- @takemenowpls

I understand your pain @onlyanimalsaregood because I could never claim to have been a friend of @CommitSudoku like you were. I have spoken to her very little, however, she was someone who made me feel very welcome when I arrived here. Unfortunately, as with many people, life is far too cruel and she didn't want to endure it anymore.

Rest in peace, you were really a good person @CommitSudoku <3 and be strong dear @@onlyanimalsaregood, I imagine how much pain you endure everyday <3.

And finally, to you, my friend, I would have liked to help you more, I would have liked to make you smile more, and once again in my miserable life, I could do nothing.

I hope to find you again and I hope you will welcome me up there, I'm sorry, I really am.
There are so many things I could have done to at least try to put a smile on your face and make you forget, even if only temporarily, some of your sorrows.

I know I didn't have time to share enough with you, we had to, but your pain was too unbearable.

I love you friend, sincerely

Rest in peace @takemenowpls <3

I also thank you both @Doombox and @anxiety cat for your presence, because thanks to you, more than once, I felt less alone. So thank you <3

There you go, thank you very much for reading me one last time. I will also share the final concludings comments.

I hope you enjoyed it!

See you soon for a final time, I hope.

I sincerely love you <3

See you soon <3