Resource Death Diary

[Nirrend]

Hello everyone, time to write
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(07/31) It was a truly indescribable day, I couldn't take it anymore. The day before I had a big fight with my mother, in front of everyone and of course, as usual, I was made to look like the crazy one.

I thought the next day would be different, but from morning to night, no one spoke to me. Neither good morning nor good night.

I ate in literally 20 seconds and we passed each other in the rooms without looking at each other. It was just too much.

We pretend that we do not exist, that we do not see ourselves.

I will never talk about what I feel, but when I see these things, I tell myself that I would disappear without my loved ones having really thought about what I may be going through. When I think about death, I realize how much I will gain : Freedom, revenge, rest and omnipotence.

Some people think that by dying, we know everything, we are everything, we do everything. I sincerely hope to be nothing more, to think that I could still think makes me too tired.

Finally, when I analyze the behavior of my relatives, feeling themselves not responsible, the denial and the permanent accusation of the others (My mother tends to say as soon as we say something to her "But you also do it..."); I find that, if I think about it, these mechanisms are the ideal outcome of the method of the perfect asshole.

Don't you think? Basically, they suffer psychologically, okay, but their behavior is ultra accomplished to the point that they never confront who they are. As a result, they don't suffer from themselves, but from others, because for some people who adopt this behavior, it is the others who cause my unhappiness.

It's pathetic.

My Mood was at 10/10, I'm ashamed to say it but I hit myself a little, I couldn't take it anymore. I ended the evening by taking a bottle of alcohol and went for a walk in the woods at night and got drunk.

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(08/01) The time I spent alone was incredible. It was a journey through the senses, time and space.

I really drank a lot, I smoked, I lay down with my music (you are starting to know my way of working).

By dint of doing all this and thanks to the effects of alcohol, I plunged into my deepest malaise. I took hold of it and decided to become one with it.

Because, I prefer that it accompanies me where I go, having deliberately chosen what I could do with it rather than to let it bring me down.

I know it has worked for now but I don't think it will last.

It was truly an incredible time, if what awaits me after death is anything like this mix of alcohol, cigarettes, music and personal memories, so I only wish for that.

Finally, I came home very late at night, I would say very early in the morning.

I locked myself in my room, went to bed and woke up a little later.

Honestly, having played with my self-control so much made me better, I was able to get back to some activities, but it was really a large amount of activities. I moved on with what I had to do and thought serenely about ctb.

My mood was at 5/10, the inner tension was no longer there, nor was the anxiety. I just devoted myself to what I can still enjoy.

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(08/02) Today, as I suspected, things are slowly but insidiously settling back in.

I tried to think of something else as I went on and on about various activities.

But the crisis is catching up with me, I even wonder if it is possible to get out of it, alone or accompanied. As soon as the crisis resurfaces, I realize how hurtful human behavior can be.

I'll ask a question and never get an answer, people ask for help with something, but you're sure that when it's your turn to need someone, you can wait.

Living in this philosophy of life is really something exasperating.

My Mood is at 7/10, the boredom is back, the pain (still light) is back, the disappointments are back and the fight against time is back.

Sitting on the water's edge, I observe the stream flowing, impotently, but soon, when my time comes, I will be part of this flow without knowing it. This unstoppable river through which nothing is indistinguishable.

I hope that we will find each other and that we will all recognize ourselves in it, once we are in it.

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Have a great evening everyone!

Be strong dear Ss members <3 !

 

[Hope:-)]

I'm feeling pretty good about my decision. Was suddenly wracked with fear this morning but the mornings tend to be like that. I feel pretty good at the moment because I am understanding my chosen method better- I thought I would never get my head round it. So yeah, it's been a pretty good day. There's one thing stressing me out about my method but I will ask lots of questions about it on here and. I'm sure I can be helped.
Thanks for the opportunity to share.

 

[Doombox]

I think part of what's wrong with the world is that people don't naturally know how to validate each other; instead they leap to how they disagree with what was said, or play devil's advocate...any of dozens of ways to invalidate something someone has shared. And for the most part, the people on this board validate each other's experiences. We are lucky to have this. I'll be gone soon, and though I don't believe in life after death, if there is that flow and we can recognize each other, then I'll be there.

 

[Nirrend]

I think part of what's wrong with the world is that people don't naturally know how to validate each other; instead they leap to how they disagree with what was said, or play devil's advocate...any of dozens of ways to invalidate something someone has shared. And for the most part, the people on this board validate each other's experiences. We are lucky to have this. I'll be gone soon, and though I don't believe in life after death, if there is that flow and we can recognize each other, then I'll be there.

Sad to read that you want to leave too ..

I hope that we will recognize everybody up there, i'm really in a hurry to leave.

I think that, when you have the method by your side, ready to be used, once you are ready, you can go without asking you a lot of questions, but you have to be really ready, of course.

The fact that, i'm am waiting my method, is really stressful, because i really hope i will get it and i will finally be with you all

Leaving and living forever, being dead is such a beautiful state of the existence

I'm feeling pretty good about my decision. Was suddenly wracked with fear this morning but the mornings tend to be like that. I feel pretty good at the moment because I am understanding my chosen method better- I thought I would never get my head round it. So yeah, it's been a pretty good day. There's one thing stressing me out about my method but I will ask lots of questions about it on here and. I'm sure I can be helped.
Thanks for the opportunity to share.

I hope that you'ill find what you're seeking here !

This community is gold :)

 

[Hope:-)]

I feel ok today. I was feeling better about my method until I saw a post about a very negative experience on sn. I am sensitive to side effects too so I hope I am alright. If I'm in agony I hope I don't call for help. Very definite about ctb but feel a little disenchanted.

 

[Doombox]

I feel ok today. I was feeling better about my method until I saw a post about a very negative experience on sn. I am sensitive to side effects too so I hope I am alright. If I'm in agony I hope I don't call for help. Very definite about ctb but feel a little disenchanted.

Negative experiences on SN need to be examined. Did the person follow the protocol? Many times the answer to that is no.

 

[Nirrend]

Hi everyone, time to write

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(08/03) As usual, it's been a long day, I've done nothing and I don't feel like doing anything at all.

I felt paralysed all day.

Lying in bed, staring out the window for over an hour without any emotion or thought coming to me. I've reached a point where I wonder what it's like to have desires, projects, to love life.

I spend my days either being inert and waiting to no longer exist, or reading about death. These things are pretty much anything and everything, articles, videos, websites, poems and most of all, I love looking at artworks about death.

It's going to sound ridiculous, but as soon as I imagine myself dying, as soon as I think of those who are no longer with us, I get chills.

I know it's not my time, but I want so much to disappear before everyone around me, I want so much to rise to heaven. On the whole I did nothing yesterday, just as I have done all my life. I act quietly, discreetly, I lie to everyone and I secretly prepare everything to die serenely.

My mood was 7/10, I was irritable, cold, sad and relatively distant from myself and others.

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(08/04) I have been conducting this experiment for a month now, I find it both very enjoyable, especially when I look back on the previous days, but at the same time extremely dangerous for those who do not want to go through with it.

I mean, when I reread what I've written in the past, I feel like it's my duty to get to the end of this story and finish this novel as it should be.

It's not pretension but, I mean, I'm proud that I've managed to at least stick to that regularly.

Also, I realise (as I accumulate notes every day /10), that the suicidal crisis is not something as obvious as it seems.

Today I feel deeply serene and if I had to do it, I think I would succeed. However, my mood is at 8/10, which may suggest that the intensity of the experience precipitates the desire, but does not necessarily allow for an assured success.

I will make a separate thread to define the conclusions I can draw from this first month (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/1-month-of-death-diary-concluding-comments-1.96301/)

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I love you very much <3
I'm in a hurry to finish

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, it's time, as usual
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(08/05) Was an ordinary day, I was busy and as when I am, had little time to think about anything. Among the things I had to do, I was forced to expose myself to the gaze of others, which is unbearable. People look you, imagining things about you without really knowing what you are going through. This society and humanity is maddening, so I spent the day worrying about what people thought of me.

Although at the beginning of that day I felt neither bad nor good, just indifferent,I finally felt, over the course of the events and the looks, that I did not belong here.

Like an intruder who didn't belong here.

It also gave me a deep feeling of discouragement, because I told myself that if my wish was to reintegrate myself into this society, I would have a huge amount of work to do, it's tiring beforehand.

On the whole, my mood is 7/10, sad, suffering, discouraged and very disappointed in people

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(08/06) Yesterday I didn't do anything at all, I just waited, patiently, for the day to end. I had taken several naps during the day and every wake-up call is a nightmare. I fantasise about my own death and when I dream that I'm dying, it's just fantastic.

I really don't want to continue this existence, but I feel terribly guilty, I'm going to leave behind the few people I love and who still love me.

I suppose I should reassure myself that I will see them again one day.

For two days, I had no desire to eat or drink. Let's just say that either I acted compulsively and thoughtlessly, or I denied myself everything (watching film after film or, conversely, lying in bed staring at the ceiling while being immersed in the dark).

I felt tired but quite indifferent, my mood was at 6/10 marked by a lack of capacity to think and an unimaginable weariness

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(08/07) Today it's different again, I felt devastated from morning to night.

It was very hard to wake up, I tried to immerse myself in the activities I tend to do to keep myself busy but nothing helped.

Two hours ago I went for a walk and found a secluded place in my city to smoke, I listend to music and looked at the sky.

I am glad to see that I have found this treasure again, because the emotions and the deep things were finally felt after weeks of not having the same pleasure to do this.

This bluish carpet with dots of light is the only way I can travel through time. It is said that when we look at the stars, we actually see in the past because the light that is emitted and perceived by our eyes has a 5 minute time lag. So : looking a star would mean seeing what it was 5 minutes ago even if some of them died.

Yet we still see them, because the radiation we see was true a few minutes before.

This delay is what art is to historical memory.

Without photos, without movies, without books, without paintings, without sculptures, without music, we would not even know that people before us existed. Is a life without knowledge worth it? For some people, yes, perhaps, ignorance is the key to happiness, I think.

I would like to know my ancestors, I would like to know those people who are no more.

Yet in their photos, you would think that tomorrow we would see them in the street, but not at all.

Anyway, to end the day, as usual, I lay down, smoked and looked at the sky and felt things I hadn't felt for weeks.

What a Beautiful thing.

I have a bottle of alcohol waiting to be consumed, I think I'll use it during the longest and most difficult times I'll have to go through to fill my days before the end.

My mood was 9/10, it was a hard day, I felt exhausted, in great pain and I think once again, that if it was possible, I would have ctb today, in my opinion I was ready.

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If you are still reading me, please know that I love you <3
I wish you a good evening

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening everyone, I'll get started
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(08/08) It's a day like any other, I don't know what to say because every day is so similar, I get up at such and such an hour, I'm tired and disgusted to be alive, I drag my feet, I do this or that activity that doesn't occupy me more than that.

I eat without being hungry, I am even disgusted by the food.

The time is long, I draw, I play, I walk around, but nothing does, this pain does not want to disappear.

One thing I notice is that as soon as I fall asleep in the afternoon to occupy the day, every wake-up is unbearable.

I feel even worse than I already was.

Waking up is accompanied by a deep headache, a foggy mind and I am unable to think, I am very slow, and I feel an inner pain (stomach and back pain).

When I look at the sky and the clouds, I feel so lonely, empty and sad that I shiver.

Like shivers of despair I guess.

I swear, time is far too long, I just want to die and nothing else. I just want to talk to people here and nothing else, to make friends here for the time being and also, I really don't know how to get rid of this inner loneliness, because even when people are here, I feel alone.

I always listen to my music and I always smoke while looking at the sky, as if I recognized myself more in a life elsewhere than here.

I am seen as a dark person by people and they don't understand why I act like this.

If only everything could stop.

My mood was 9/10 today, everything was long, everything was dark and nothing will ever change. I think I'm going to drink some alcohol tonight, I thought I'd be able to put it aside for more critical times, but I don't see any other way out than this for tonight.
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I think of you <3

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening everyone,

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(08/09) Another day like any other, it had been more than a month since I had resumed writing my farewell letter, I made good progress.I drank heavily last night and it didn't do me any good at all, I think I would have liked to have taken more, like playing with the boundaries of death.

I don't do anything at all anymore, I wait all day, although my relatives suggest activities, I don't feel like it.

So I listen to music and I smoke, original isn't it?

I'm going to go for a smoke in a short while, nothing attracts me anymore, I'm deeply sad.

My mood is 10/10, I see no future, only death and I hesitate to do it tonight.

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Love you all <3

Just writing this message to send you love @Doombox, I know that you read every post I make here, you're really kind and knowing that I'm not talking alone here make me feel happy

Hope you're fine <3

 

[Doombox]

Good evening everyone,

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(08/09) Another day like any other, it had been more than a month since I had resumed writing my farewell letter, I made good progress.I drank heavily last night and it didn't do me any good at all, I think I would have liked to have taken more, like playing with the boundaries of death.

I don't do anything at all anymore, I wait all day, although my relatives suggest activities, I don't feel like it.

So I listen to music and I smoke, original isn't it?

I'm going to go for a smoke in a short while, nothing attracts me anymore, I'm deeply sad.

My mood is 10/10, I see no future, only death and I hesitate to do it tonight.

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Love you all <3

Just writing this message to send you love @Doombox, I know that you read every post I make here, you're really kind and knowing that I'm not talking alone here make me feel happy

Hope you're fine <3

Yeah, I'm always here for you. I can't help....I'm in a pretty bad place myself. But I can sit with you here. What music do you listen to?

 

[Nirrend]

Yeah, I'm always here for you. I can't help....I'm in a pretty bad place myself. But I can sit with you here. What music do you listen to?

I'm sorry that you're feeling bad too and thank you for your kind message <3
I listen to emotional musics, so everything (except rap that I don't really like). Musics from band, or game...
To give you an exemple, yesterday I listened to "Another day in Paradise" from Phil Collins.

What type of music do you listen too ?

 

[Doombox]

I'm sorry that you're feeling bad too and thank you for your kind message <3
I listen to emotional musics, so everything (except rap that I don't really like). Musics from band, or game...
To give you an exemple, yesterday I listened to "Another day in Paradise" from Phil Collins.

What type of music do you listen too ?

I like Phil Collins. I was listening to some woo-woo music, electronic harp by Hilary Stagg. Sometimes I put on one of the various lofi channels on Youtube which is boring but I like that sometimes, just background noise in my headphones.

 

[Green Destiny]

Thank you for taking the time to write down and share your thoughts with us.

 

[Nirrend]

I like Phil Collins. I was listening to some woo-woo music, electronic harp by Hilary Stagg. Sometimes I put on one of the various lofi channels on Youtube which is boring but I like that sometimes, just background noise in my headphones.

I think I understand what you are saying here ! Like you, sometimes, I know that I can listen to borings things but, I don't know why, I can feel what theses songs wanted to tell us, I suppose !

Thank you for taking the time to write down and share your thoughts with us.

No problem friend :) <3

Good evening everyone,
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(08/10) Okay, well, where to start

This day was absolutely banal, I had few feelings throughout the day, in a way anaesthetized, I was not suffering but I was not happy either.

I remember thinking that I wanted to be able to feel things, having drunk alone the other night, I wanted to do the same thing this evening of August 10th. I know that I went for a walk a little before the end of the day, that I once again bought a bottle of alcohol and it seems to me, because I don't remember much, that I went back to the woods I like to go to and drank it all down.

I remember it was bland, I was very drunk but even that didn't do anything to me.

My mood was 6/10, I felt very lonely, empty but not suffering more than that, just empty as if nothing affected me anymore.

But that's not the kind of emptiness you can have when everything goes wrong. You know, the worst kind of emptiness is the one that expresses an unimaginable distress, with such an urge to cry, to hit oneself, to kill oneself that one is even detached from oneself and from life.

On that day, my emptiness was more a reflection of boredom.
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(08/11) After drinking, on the whole, all day I entertained myself, to think of nothing but what I was doing.

Surprisingly the day passed normally, I felt like I was back to zero, but paradoxically I don't like to know that I'm OK, because I know that with me it's cyclical.

Overall, my mood was 5/10 I felt totally neutral, and I didn't try to think about my project at all.
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(08/12) Yesterday I felt anxious and I will explain why.

I was busy yesterday and let's just say the day was a mixture of very annoying moments (as I was with family members) and as usual, there were conflicts over trivial things). However, some moments were, shall we say, "acceptable"?

We were able to laugh, have a quiet time together.

It was precisely these moments of tranquillity and "happiness" that made me anxious. I don't know why, but I feel that telling myself I'm having a good time is an admission of weakness on my part.

I say to myself in these moments that the happiness is temporary, the conflicts with them will come back, the existence will not change and it will remain what it is.

And that disturbs me a lot, because I feel in those moments that my plan for ctb is illogical, as if I was wrong about everything.

It was a terrible feeling that made me anxious and almost forgot that 99% of the time I live in the past, I'm bathed in nostalgia, I don't trust myself, I don't like myself, I feel lonely and destroyed.

As absurd as it sounds, I think it reflects my borderline personality.

As a result, I ended my day in a relatively stable state, but very anxious and tried to convince myself for a long time that ctb was the right solution, but to no avail, which made me very upset. My mood was 6/10

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(08/13) Finally today, it took me a long time to get back to SaSu because I didn't know what to think at all, it was total confusion, especially this morning.

Then, as if a denial had set in, I started to live a normal day, I felt smiling, even-tempered but that was all. The thing is, I've been there. A few years ago I was in a psychiatric hospital for a few months and I felt like this. As if all the problems didn't exist anymore, as if life was actually beautiful.

But I'll tell you a funny thing, as soon as I left this hospital

Within just a few days, everything came back. It's like before I went to the mental hospital, I left some bulky bags at home.

By leaving them at home, I found myself in the hospital without a bag and so I was no longer even aware of the evil in me.

But as soon as I left and found my bags at home, everything came back.

That's why I think that preparing to leave is really a serious thing.

I feel interrupted, I know I'll have to get back into a long and painful but fatalistic frame of mind.

It's genuinely frightening, I don't trust myself anymore

To be honest, the awareness of wanting to die and the discomfort has barely returned as I've taken to smoking a cigarette while looking at the sky.

I tell myself one thing, am I sustaining this malaise?
Is life making me believe that happiness exists?

I don't even know if I want to die and if I'm suffering, it's awful. My mood is 7/10 right now

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I wish you a good evening dear members <3

 

[chronicallybroken]

Just to say, I really enjoy your writing! I hope you make the decision that is right for you. Wishing you all the best.

 

[Nirrend]

Just to say, I really enjoy your writing! I hope you make the decision that is right for you. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you for your kind words <3, wishing you the best too !

 

[anxiety cat]

I really appreciate you taking the time to do these diary entries. You are an amazing writer.

 

[Nirrend]

I really appreciate you taking the time to do these diary entries. You are an amazing writer.

Thank you very much for these words <3, I have been working for years on my way of speaking and writing,

Your comment, like @Doombox who compared my writing to that of Alice Munro, I was delighted with both your returns, I mean, this is really the culmination of my whole life

Thank you both again <3
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Hello everyone, time to write again
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(08/14) It was another day like so many others, I was content to contemplate the raindrops streaming down my window as the seconds tick by in a lifetime.

A banal awakening, an absent future, simply an eternal present that I escape by taking refuge in the past.

As usual, I did nothing. I haven't resumed writing my farewell letter, and too bad if I don't finish it.

I often ask myself, is it worth it? Is there any real point to this letter? One life is nothing in a whole story, so for me to tell mine in these writings is not worth it.

Maybe my mind will change, but since 14/08 I have been reluctant to give a letter, maybe I will finish it if my heart wants to.

In short, nothing interesting again, I just had patience.

My mood was 6/10 with a vague weariness and a mixture of haste and fear of regret to ctb.
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(08/15) I've been seeing people, so as is often the case at these times, I can't really concentrate on what I'm experiencing inside.

All in all, I had a good time, but it's a bit strange to think that soon I won't be aware of anything, it's really strange to think that for them, life will go on.

During that day I moved around a lot and after I got home, I don't know why, I had a strong motivation to resume the activities I had abandoned before.

Therefore, I "worked", I advanced all the things I was working on. I'm quite proud of that.

I got chills just imagining that my letter, my drawings, my writing, my stuff. All of this, all that I can offer, will make those who really love me decide to keep me alive a little longer.

My mood was 5/10, The project is still there, but the motivation overcomes the pain, I will make it.
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(08/16) Finally today, what can I say... I think this day is a continuation of yesterday.

I woke up with a certain energy (I say certain), I continued the same things as the day before and I look back on them with emotion and pride.

Even writing in this diary make me feel a strong emotion. I feel moved because, I will be no more than words.

How many members here seem to me to be still alive, when all that remains are their publications, their avatars, their pseudonyms... It is both extremely sad and poetic.

They left us their last breath through immortal writings. I pity and envy them.

Tonight, maybe an hour or two ago, I smoked. It had been a few days since I had taken the time to do my ritual.

Would it be a big surprise to say that all the inner feelings came back to me instantly?

No, we agree.

As soon as I looked up at the sky, put my lips to my cigarette and the first notes of music entered my ears, everything became much clearer.

Even as I write these words right now, I know that I am dreaming of ctb right now.

I don't really know how to describe what I'm feeling as I write this, I'm moved, sad, overwhelmed.

I'm in a hurry to write my farewell thread, I'm in a hurry because I think my words and feelings will be at their peak.

I am in a hurry because, in these moments, one finally finds the friendship, the humanity and the love of anyone, because one knows that it will be impossible to see us again.

I can't wait to say goodbye, but I can't wait to see you up there.

I can't stop writing, I think it's better to drop this pen so as not to get more carried away.

My mood was initially 8/10, but the simple fact of having written these words and of being immersed in myself has undoubtedly heightened my feelings to 10/10 I suppose. I think I'm ready, I'll have to be ready when it's time.
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To you, dear members and regular readers, thank you very much for reading me again this evening,

From the depths of my being, I love you, sincerely

See you later and have a good evening <3

 

[Nirrend]

Hello, once again it's time to write
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(08/17) What can I say again, except that it was a classic, uninteresting day.

I woke up long and complicated, did little, dragged my feet, looked out the window and felt paralysed for most of the day.

I played, I tried as best I could to entertain myself but as usual, it was not at all productive.

I also thought about all those people who said "We'll keep in touch, we'll keep calling each other" and I'm still waiting for them to come back despite the many times I've gone to check up on them.

On the whole I want to end it because, life is just empty and sad, I want to end it because, I project myself more dead than alive.

I want to end it because all my self-confidence has evaporated, because I feel like I'm losing my skills and I'm not able to do anything anymore.

Finally I feel like I'm facing a dilemma
1) To dare CTB (but regret not seeing the people I sincerely love anymore, SI, and maybe wait for this discomfort to pass)
2) Try to recover (but I've been trying for over 10 years, BPD condemns me to be like this, some things that are no longer will never come back and I can't stand it)

The CTB - Recovery balance is 98% - 2% I think.

I will never be able to invest in recovery because I know that 2% it's not worth it. I'm going to die eventually anyway, so whether it's soon or in 40 years, nothing will change the outcome.

My mood was 8/10, Tired, sad, empty and eager to be fucking dead. One thing that has crossed my mind is the fact that I will miss some people.
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(08/18) Started like the day before but very quickly got back to what I still have to prepare for my departure.

I sincerely enjoyed it and, paradoxical as it may be, I could live my whole life preparing to leave.

Wtf.

So there you have it, from morning to night I've been working on what's important to me.

Then at the end of the day, I smoked, I looked at the sky for the umpteenth time, listening once again to the music I love so much.

And I think, forever, I will feel these emotions, much too strong to endure.

These emotions hit me like a shotgun blast. I go from a serene sky to an inner cataclysm.

Pain in my stomach, pain in my neck, shivers of sadness (it's indescribable, but it's such a sadness that I shiver while having an absolute emptiness inside).

I become a shell whose life has flown away in these moments.

I also think that if I didn't do things each day, if I didn't have something to fool myself with, I would have already tried Ctb but failed, because I would have done it impulsively.

I tell myself that what comes back to me when I smoke is what I hold inside me, all day long, like if I fasten my seatbelt in a car and at the end of the day, when I take it off, everything that the seatbelt was holding back is released.

My mood was also 8/10, Likewise, I don't count the pleasure of my preparations because it's a state that keeps me in a future death. For apart from my preparations, I no longer love anything at all. And like yesterday, a great sadness, a slowness, a void and an inconsolable lack. In short, nothingness.
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(08/19) I have been moving, so I have had my mind occupied, however, I have realised something that I will not be able to bear for long in time.

Since this crisis is affecting everything in my life, usually (and not to brag) I've always taken pride in making people laugh.

Yesterday I realised that it was over for me, I made people laugh at first, because I think I was in an extreme euphoria (seeing people is very stimulating) but very quickly, the evil took over.

It was over, I hated the jokes I was trying to do, I didn't believe in them anymore and therefore it didn't make people laugh.

So back to square one
My dilemma will remain the same
1) Dare Ctb
2) Trying to recover (knowing that I've been trying for almost 10 years and no matter what I do, this mental state always brings me back to being a failure)

My choice is quickly made.

My mood was 7/10, Even though I had a good time, the fact that I couldn't entertain people and felt that none of my jokes had any effect because of this fucking psychological state completely destroyed me until I got home. So I felt useless, sad and out of place.
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(08/20) Well, today.

To repeat what I said earlier, I am still moving forward with what I want to leave behind, and on several occasions I feel like giving up, but I want to leave things that those around me will never forget.

As always, every awakening is painful, my physiological state is really unstable: aches, slowing down, healing problems, nausea.

I don't talk about the psychological state because it is a constant fog in which I am immersed.

I think I don't think, no thought comes to my mind, thinking becomes really too complicated, I sincerely find it hard to put on a good face.


Moreover, I realise that this feeling of loneliness will never change, many people do not contact me anymore, the nice friendly promises when people are face to face are simply lies.

For myself, I cannot envisage a life without close relationships.

I'm really struggling to find my words tonight because I really don't want to say anything, I really don't want to describe what's happening on a daily basis because nothing is happening.

I was also thinking, if I wasn't suicidal, would I try to understand what unhappy people go through?

If everything was going well in my life, I would probably never have known this place, Just for that, I am proud to be in pain.

In that case, does one have to be bad to show humanity to someone?

This is a question I sincerely ask myself (I am not aiming at anyone by saying these words).

In short, I think I'll give myself another month and no more, at first I was supposed to leave at the very beginning of September, but many unforeseen events came into my life.

And paradoxically, although when I started writing this on the 4th of July, I thought, "I have so little time, I only have two months left". Now that it's the end of August, I realise that I feel like every second is an eternity, but at the same time, my time has gone by too fast, I've been writing this for almost two months, this is scary.

In any case, My mood is 9/10, Time is short, I'm in a hurry and stressed and even though I feel or think absolutely nothing and perceive myself as "inanimate", the only thing I can describe is a kind of deep feeling inside me. It's not really an emotion, it's a kind of heap of nostalgia, regret, fatigue, melancholy.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, I love you <3, have a good evening

 

[Doombox]

You can take all the time you want or need.

 

[Nirrend]

You can take all the time you want or need.

Thank you @Doombox, that's kind :)

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening everyone, it is the 25th of August when I write these words but, even if I could have posted it on Sasu, I prefered to stay alone in the last few days because I had no heart for anything. So these words will be published the next day.
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(08/21) What do you want me to say? I didn't do anything, that's all.

I have lost all confidence, I realise how much planning to ctb is what still gives me the strength to hold on (it's paradoxical).

I know I'm genuinely tired and I find it moving, sad and worrying that this is the end soon.

I know in my head that I can no longer lie to myself, no longer hide.

Because when the day comes, it will be over, and then I'll be sincerely aware of it.

I don't have the same vision of things at the moment, I'm going to detail it just after because this day didn't allow me to confront all this.

Overall, my mood was 7/10, I was sad, detached, unmotivated. I sincerely experienced this day as a backlash because the day before I put into words for the first time the day or days that I conceive as my departure.

I meditated on it a lot and It moved me a lot.
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(08/22) I went ahead with what I have to do, with a certain "motivation", an inner feeling telling me "it will please your relatives in the end". Again, these are the only things that keep me going and I realise that my activities are hanging by a thread.

When a potential occupation presents itself to me, I jump on it, because I know that's all I have.

Inwardly I wonder if I want to keep doing this but for now I like it.

At the end of the day, when the hour comes when I find myself face to face with the heavens, smoking, listening to my music over and over again, I felt something very special.

I think it's been over 3 years since I shed a single tear. I have spent the last 3 years sad, suffering inside.

Even though I've been thinking about ctb for at least 10 years, At least I used to be able to cry, but it had been three years since any tears came to mingle with nature.

When I smoked that night, I don't know why, I had serious tearfulness, but it wasn't just sadness, I felt moved, deeply shaken.

Even if it will remain pain forever, at least I felt alive at last.

After that, I had a strong desire to read about death, to see reports and to read about NDEs.

I know that I am aware that my life expectancy is short and I think my mind is struggling to integrate this, because quite often I think "Yes, I should do x or y thing", then suddenly I remember that I give myself until the end of September.

But paradoxically, when someone says to me "You'll come to see us at Christmas" for example, I answer "Yes", but inwardly I apologise because I won't be there and I know it.

My Mood was 9/10, upset, sad, very emotional, moved, I have no other words, I am afraid but I am waiting for this.
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(08/23) The day was almost identical to the day before, I woke up hard, I did the best I could with what I still had to do, I was... proud I guess and that was it. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll have the motivation to finish everything because I'm feeling less and less proud of myself and I feel like everything I do is crap.

I spent the day researching celebrities or dead people. I can't explain why but it does something to me.

It's much the same as what I was describing several weeks ago when on Youtube I see under a video "16 years ago", "9 years ago".

It terrifies and fascinates me. I really feel a deep emptiness, mixing a sense of regret (as I never knew these people personally in my life), with a sense of mystery and I fixate on the circumstances of the death, on the images that show what they were like in their lives.

I don't know why, but to imagine that people died 20, 1, 100, 1000 years ago, it does something to me that I cannot describe.

And it has always done that to me.

Once again I had that one-on-one with that bright purple veil, I could just contemplate it with my cigarette, my music. The effect is as devastating as ever, but as moving and nostalgic as ever.

Things will end soon, I'm glad. My mood was 9/10
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(08/24) For today, on the whole, it's still the same mess,

I get up, I'm exhausted, I drag my feet and I try to shake it off

Once again I've made progress on what I wanted to do, I'm a bit proud of it and the desire to see things through has returned.

However, there is something I find hard to understand, like yesterday I felt way too emotional, everything could brings tears to my eyes.

To tell a little story, I went out into my garden, away from the gaze of the other members of my family, to go and smoke.

I felt very bad, I don't know how to describe it but, nauseous, weak, unable to lift my eyes to look at the horizon, my eyes and muscles were as if numb and just looking ahead of me at man's height required a monstrous effort.

So I looked at the grass, the ground, without moving, as if paralyzed, the music in my ears, making mechanical and automatic movements to bring the cigarette to my mouth and spit the smoke.

My neighbour's house is very close to ours and he can see me from his skylight window if I am in the garden.

As sometimes happens, he stands at his window and sees me. He greets me, interrupts me in my ... I don't know, Yoga?

And he starts chatting with me, asking me how I'm doing, telling me about his day. To tell you the truth, he's special, but I like him in the end.

He starts to tell me about his day, to tell me some little anecdotes and suddenly he says to me with a very worried look: "Are you alright? You don't look well".

I answer him, surprised by his remark "Yes, don't worry, I think I've caught a cold or something".

And he answers me: "Yes, well, you're pale and you're slightly shaky".

I was shocked by this answer, I didn't know that I was so unwell that I could start to show it and be noticed so easily.

Ironically, it is my neighbour who worries more and spots more things than my own parents and family. He notices this and I find it worrying and reassuring (in the sense that it proves to me that I'm on the way to eventually committing the irreparable without questioning).

What amuses me is that it seems to be very visible but my relatives don't tell me anything, except "blah blah blah I'm tired blah blah blah".

Finally, the day was very very complicated, I was on the verge of sobbing at every single thing or stimulus that came my way, I'm ultra sensitive and I think I'm really entering the paroxysmal stage of the crisis. My mood was 10/10
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(08/25) It was much the same as August 22, I made progress on my projects, I was more or less proud of them and I feel that things are coming to an end so I rush on anything that gives me the feeling of still having life goals.

Like the day before, I was on the verge of tears all day, the slightest sentence was extremely painful, I felt either very emotional and nostalgic about things (even the most stupid ones, like when I talked about series I watched with my brother during a walk (lol.), I don't think there's anything more ridiculous than that).

In short, to put it simply, everything makes me sad, emotional, or fulfilled.

I can't help but make the connection with the fact that I've been thinking all day about my future departure, thinking about this before "with" and this after "without" me.

As I was saying, this is the third time in a row that I've been on the verge of tears over little, I feel far too emotional.

I think that finally, the real preparation starts here, the whole period before this precise planning (date, method, place, step by step) is only a self-inflicted ordeal to test our desire, our limits, to choose what seems best (I think).

To be honest, even if the last 2 months I have been bathed in this desire to end it all, I am only now becoming aware of what is really happening.

I'm only saying to myself today "I'll be dead", and I stopped telling myself "I'll get better, it will pass".

Even if before I did the work to question myself about my feeling of aptitude for ctb, about my sincere desire, about my feeling that things will change.

Even if I regularly imagined myself dead or mimed dying (closing my eyes and saying, "I won't wake up").

Even if I have documented myself and dared (sometimes with regret) to look at things directly related to death (articles, reports, pictures ...),

In the end I think I just prepared myself to decide for a date, but not really to die.

Today at last, I think I can modestly say, I think I am sincerely preparing myself to succeed and and no longer to decide.

I interpret my silences and my little presence here as an inner work I am doing, as a withdrawal from life I am taking.

I'm thinking in particular of a member (Peace be with you <3) who had posted a message that he had timed. He had taken SN on 23 July, but the message had only appeared on 30 July on the site.

In his message he said that if we saw his post, it meant that he had succeeded and that his absence reflected a deep need to be with himself during his last moments of life.

When I see that I don't connect much, that I don't keep up with the almost daily rhythm of this diary, I know that this crisis affects my mood, my energy, my motivation, my pleasure.

But I still enjoy writing here just as much and, in fact, if I have taken this distance, it is not only because of what I have just listed.

I think it's because I finally understand this deceased member.

My mood was 10/10, I could have cried over anything.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'll finish by saying that I feel this turning point in my life, I'm really afraid that things will turn me away from my project, I'm really afraid (not here, of course) that people will come down on me, that they'll try to cure me at all costs, because I think that the path I've taken is much too beautiful

When I think back to my previous attempts, I always did it impulsively and then either stopped myself, or I did it while "unconsciously" making sure that my act was not fatal, or I simply called for help.

Today, I feel that I have been preparing myself all my life for this and I feel that it would take me an eternity to re-prepare myself as I am doing now.

I love you very much, even if I don't come much, I always think of you, even if I don't speak much, I would have loved and I regret so much not to have made a great friendship with anyone here.

Even if for many you are gold in my eyes, I know I have missed something by not making a deep link with you.

See you soon <3

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening, it's been time,
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(08/26) I have advanced in what I want to finish at all costs. The heart was there so I thought this was the opportunity.

I remained just as sensitive as the day before I think, but as I realize in the long run, as soon as I have something to occupy my mind, I live a little better my daily life.

These are the only things through which I still feel able to succeed and be a minimum of competence. That's why I think I'm relentless.

It's been a while since I touched my farewell letter, I'm at a little over half and I think I need to get back to it.

It's terrible because, I'm torn between the urge to do nothing and let myself die and at the same time, it makes me anxious to tell myself that I still have things that I want to finish at all costs.

Apart from that, nothing very incredible, I isolated myself, I ate little, I no longer speak or say anything to anyone.

I watch and read things about death and I train myself for D-Day, anyway, I can't fail, otherwise I will go to a psychiatric hospital, otherwise I would have problems, otherwise I would be disowned by my loved ones. I really don't have the right to miss myself.

This is probably what also gives me this pressure, because the previous times, I said to myself "at worst if I fail it's not serious", then telling me that, SI intervened and in the end, I gave up, I panicked...

I still love those moments when I smoke, both early in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the middle of the night. They are still as sublime as ever. Painful because deeply overwhelming, but sublime.

During this time, I travel, I really feel like I'm leaving my body for a few moments.

Anyway.

My mood was 8/10, I felt very bad, destabilized, nauseous, confused, trembling, pale. And above all, the more I realize that my time here is shortened, the more I suffer.
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(08/27) If I had to describe this day, I think I would describe it as a "breath of fresh air" and as a day of pilgrimage and farewell.

I spent a long time with friends, walking with them in places in which I lived my childhood, I went to school, I played, I lived crucial moments in my life.

It was a breath of fresh air in the sense that, what I tend to do alone while smoking, I was able to do with people, who understood me (more or less). Because for many, the vestiges of the past and the memories evoke transiently memories as much joyful as sad but I have the feeling that in general, people plunge very transiently into it before returning to the present.

For my part, I can no longer live without the past, my head and my soul are 10/20/30 years back and not today. When I plunge back into all this, I am annihilated, I feel a pain in my stomach, sharp and dull, melancholy, lack and emptiness. And I know I'm the only one who thinks and experiences things like that. All the emotions I experience are increased tenfold and their impact is sincerely unbearable.

Finally, it was a pilgrimage in the sense that I came to pay tribute to these fossils that time and climate have taken care of fanning. I came to pay tribute to my friends because I know I won't see them again. They have a job, life goes on and resumes for them where I know I'm going inexorably towards the end of mine.

This day ended in a small evening, it was a very nice moment that reminded me how these magical moments of life represent only a dust. And to what extent their crystallization represents suffering for some but not necessarily for others.

My mood was 6/10, despite having a busy mind, I still felt an inner weight and some suffering. As soon as my friends returned home, my usual weariness and sadness slowly but surely returned.
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(08/28) If every day I've been living since July 4 were to have a name like a series episode, I think I would have called this one "Back to Reality."

I simply experienced a huge backlash from the departure of all my friends. Suddenly going from a busy room, where there are discussions, where we drink, we laugh out loud, where we eat, tell each other anecdotes, make games, to an empty, dark room, whose only audible sound is a shrill ultrasound emitted by the household appliance.

That's something special. I know I'm not the most to complain about, because I know how many people here suffer, are unhappy, would give anything to see friends like I was able to do. I know how normal and classic these moments can be considered to be for the average person.

I know that reading me, you can tell yourself that I'm complaining all the time.

It doesn't matter what you say to yourself. If you are suffering, know that I am always thinking of you. Honestly, all the time. I am thinking of those who are victims of abuse, those alone, those who are complexed, those who are in financial difficulty, those who are in lisbon, those who are grieving, divorced... I think very much of you <3

Going back to that day, that emptiness typically represents what I hate the most. I always feel lonely.

What would I have liked to be an entity merged with someone or something. What would I like not to be dissociable or separable. I would like to be one, never to be alone. This sudden change of atmosphere meant that, from 11am I had a stroke of fatigue, I wanted to take a nap until 12pm. And once noon arrived, I did not manage to wake up, I had my eyes open but my body and mind were too heavy.

I then went back to sleep until 8pm. And at 8pm I was forcibly awakened by my family. A sudden awakening causing strong heart palpitations, a feeling of hypotension (blurred vision, ultrasound in the ears, slowness and feeling feverish). I felt bad for 2 or 3 hours. I was pale.

I think that the crisis has a lasting and daily impact on my physiological and psychological state.

My mood was 9/10. Upset, sad, nauseous, feverish and hypersensitive. Like the previous days, nothing making me want to cry.
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(08/29) It was basically the same as the day before.

Except that I have more and more severe insomnia. I don't go to bed until 5 or 6AM, I look into the void while immersed in the dark or I watch videos as I can.

Waking up this morning was once again extremely hard, I woke up at 9am and then went back to sleep not even 30 minutes after I woke up to finally wake up with heart palpitations at 2pm. I don't eat or I eat too much. Then I had another stroke of fatigue and I went back to sleep at 3pm to finally wake up at 9pm.

What a sad life.

I try to occupy my mind but the demons are still there.

I feel like a craving for nothing. Nothing pleases me, nothing does it.

I smoked feeling nothing at all and that too destroys me.

As I write these words, I don't even want to think, watch videos, listen to music or chat. It annoys me deeply because, I like to comment on threads here to try to give a little warmth, I guess... I try to do this on my own scale because I know that a warm message will never save anyone.

But now, I don't even want anything anymore.

I feel lonely and I suffer from it but I want to be alone. In any case, I think it's more because I don't know what to say. And besides, it happens to me on a daily basis, I don't know what to say to people anymore, I absolutely do not have the heart to discuss. I just make vague head movements so as not to leave my interlocutor alone in the exchange.

Finally, as I write these words, I realize that I have less than a month left.

My mood is 9/10, as much as I felt extreme suffering all day, as much there, nothing, I am sedated, empty to a point where I do not really know what to think of people and memories I had with them. I don't even know if I'm sad or not.
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To conclude tonight, even if I can't want anything, I'm going to do a few tricks on the messages posted, I still want to try to give warmth. I feel bad to look so cold and unhelpful (Even though I know that talking about help is relative because magic does not exist and you can not make people happy in a stroke of the wand).

In any case, thank you for reading me, I love you <3

See you soon

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening to all, I finally come to write
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(08/30) Overall, nothing special.

A very typical day, woke up early, few hours of sleep, tired, unmotivated and empty.


I think I felt partly sad throughout the day and my feelings were dominated by a deep abandonment.

I think if I were to describe that day, it would represent everything I have ever experienced in my life. A suffering, present, constant but relative. A weariness, a fear of regretting that the past moments will one day end.

So I didn't do anything productive, I watched videos, I played games, I wrote, waiting patiently for the end of the day.

I didn't have the heart to smoke, I don't know why, I think I know the days are going by, I think I'm scared, I don't know how I'm going to make it.

I know my brain has paused and done everything to not remind me of the holiday I had.

My mood was 7/10, nothing incredible, just a deep sadness, a deep boredom and attempts to keep me busy all day.
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(08/31) From the 31st, I know that things changed radically and I didn't like it at all.

From that day on, I had a trigger that I only realised as I write these words (on September 3rd). I woke up as if everything was fine, so much so that I forgot my project to ctb.

During that day I talked about the future, about plans, about how I might approach the next few years of my life.

It's absolutely unlikely, I mean, I've been preparing for weeks to ctb, that I make my plan, that I document and distance myself. The 31st of August marks the end of the holidays for everyone around me and it also marks the beginning of the month I plan to die.

So I didn't feel like I was suffering for a second, the music I listen to while smoking gave me a very relative feeling of sadness. I even started laughing again at things that no longer amused me at all. I became insanely motivated again for things that I was no longer trying to work on.

It's all nonsense.

I know it's denial

My mood was 1/10, Everything was genuinely fine, but I can't describe how I felt. It was wrong, far too wrong. It's impossible for a pain that has been growing inside me for several years to magically disappear with a good night's sleep.

So I was seriously worried because I didn't recognized myself.
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(09/01) This day was a continuation of the day before.

On the whole it was a very good wake up call, my day was very good.

I did some things that fascinated me and I think these things echo what I was saying when I explained that I throw myself at everything that can occupy my mind.

I threw myself at the few things I could do.

All day I was absolutely neutral, not suffering, not worried, until the evening came.

At the end of the day, I started to smoke my cigarette with music. And, I don't know how to explain it, but where I usually have a "suicide" playlist, I deliberately put it together, especially to awaken strong and deep things in me. Because in times of suicidal crisis, I need to feel that and it's kind of comforting.

However, surprisingly, today and yesterday, I didn't think for a second about putting on any music from this playlist. It's as if I'm trying to escape or deny these torments.

Just for fun, I put on some music from my "suicide" playlist. And then, for a very brief moment, I was seized with a tetany attack. I was struck by anxiety and everything came back like a flash, like thunder.

I remembered my desire to die, the time I had left, my very advanced planning, my diary, which I had almost forgotten to fill in and which I didn't even want to write my thoughts about every night.

In not even 20 seconds, the anxiety passed and everything became as if life was wonderful again.

My mood was 2/10, I can't put a higher mark on it because the anxiety was extremely intense but in a way that was far too stealthy and transient. I never thought that SI would play such tricks on me.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


(09/02) This day marked the return of consciousness. This day is just like any other day, classical, I play, I do what I like to do, I listen to music, I draw.

At one point in the day I sat down and everything came back but in a very moderate way. Little by little I started to think about my plan to ctb, Slowly, what I went through came back.

However, only the awareness of things came back, the emotions were still not there. I mean, I remembered the plan, what I have been writing here since the 4th of July. But I had no anxiety, no pain.

It's like I'm remembering this without really believing it, thinking "Oh yes, what a fool I was to think of that sort of thing". And these thoughts stayed with me for an hour or two, with a semblance of unassumed irony.

I was thinking "but yeah it's, like you're going to do that", I know I'm inhibiting that, because it's far too much to bear to think that you're going to die. It's a no-return decision, it's a final and consequential choice.

My mind is afraid, but I want the suffering to take over, at least I won't have a choice.

My mood was 5/10, no suffering, just an awareness of the plan, with no real denial but with a semi-intentional intention on my part to play it down or not really believe in what I've been planning all this time.
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(09/03) Finally, today, I finally realized that I had finished many things and among all the things I had given myself to do, I only have my farewell letter left, which I haven't touched for a while.

Indeed, before yesterday I had finished everything. The paperwork for the departure, the access to the accounts, the donations...

However, between the day before yesterday and today, I realised how the denial was gradually fading. Because I was still looking for things to do, I was still looking for reasons or justifications to keep me busy.

But unfortunately for me, no, I'm done and I have nothing left to occupy me.

So, like a shotgun blast, the denial lifted.

I feel much less happy and serene, I have a great panic this morning and earlier when I smoked my cigarette, I felt very bad.

The music I listened to no longer sounded like a cruise to the past but like the death knell.

The melodies became funeral chants and it terrified me. I found it hard to remain impassive or to enjoy. My heart was racing, the music seemed unpleasant (but beautiful at the same time).

I did my best to control the anxiety and eventually only physical pain and discomfort remained while listening. But I was able to relive strong feelings while listening to these sweet melodies.

And as if by magic, once I was settled in my bed, to meditate on everything. Everything came back.

The sadness, the distress, the strong desire to die.

I have nothing left to make me believe I have a future, I have nothing left to pretend, and denial no longer works.

My mood was 8/10, great sadness, great distress accompanied by an unbearable return to reality that required me to take it upon myself.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

As I finish writing these words, it is the 4th of September. Two months ago, I created this thread to experience and share the experience of planning a suicide until it was carried out. I will write the conclusion of this second month later.

In any case, I emerge more aware of the body's genetic and instinctive struggle to preserve itself. All tricks are good, even the most deceitful.

No matter what, he won't win.

Thank you for reading and sorry for my absence, as you may have read, I was in such denial that I had forgotten about this site and why I am preparing so much.
I'm going to have to be very vigilant about my success, I absolutely must not fail because I won't have another chance like this one.

Preparing to ctb is even more difficult than any other trial in life, I never imagined that.

I love you sincerely, see you soon <3

 

[anxiety cat]

I truly love your posts @Nirrend Beautiful

 

[Nirrend]

I really thank you @anxiety cat, you're adorable

Love you <3

 

[anxiety cat]

Thinking of you my friend

 

[Nirrend]

Thinking of you my friend

Me too sweet @anxiety cat <3

Good evening, I don't have the heart for much but I will go to the end to describe how were the days I lived, once again.
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(09/04) Well, today I have been documenting this diary almost daily for two months.

I am very afraid, very afraid of this time that passes at an incredible speed. I am very afraid of how much 2 months represent both nothing and everything in a life.

The day was once again classic, my life is quite ordinary if a bit boring.

I woke up a bit empty and detached and then did what I usually do to keep myself busy as I can. I draw, play, read, listen to music, think....

I spend less and less time on Ss, I can't explain why, I live these moments as the last ones of my life and I have the feeling that when the end is near, the only things that remain are gigantic flashbacks. For long hours I can just lie in bed with my arms behind my head staring at the ceiling.

As I stare at this obstacle that separates me from the afterlife, I start thinking about everything and I see all the scenes of my life again. The sad ones and the happy ones, I usually find myself smiling stupidly, I find myself feeling pain, anger, like what I experienced when these memories were in the present.

Then at the end of the day, I was smoking, along with my usual sadness which turned out today to be joviality. I felt very euphoric, very playful and joking. Which is my usual kind of thing but it only happens when I'm around people and it doesn't take root in my loneliness and in these intimate moments.

Finally, I spent most of the evening reading goodbye threads. They used to scare me, they used to give me the creeps and they used to make me deeply sad. Now I don't even know what to think of them. I think that when I read them, I am serene, because I say to myself, " This member is probably better off where he or she is at the moment".

A few months ago, I experienced a death and even then, long before I had planned to ctb and started writing this diary, I was the only person who seemed unaffected by the death. Everyone else was crying.

It affected me too, but I had a sort of afterthought that said, "I'll see him soon anyway".

I'll go into more detail in the concluding comments, but I don't really know if it's because I'm relativising, or minimising, or in denial, or if I'm making a connection to my fate, which is to eventually join him and the missing members.

Overall, my mood was 7/10, a marked joviality, but a tendency to find myself faced with a parade of memories that I make no attempt to address.
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(09/05) I don't really know what to say about this day, it was depressing and just as banal, lame and apocalyptic as the others.

I go from happiness to melancholy when I start thinking about the present and the demands of society. It's unbearable, because when I list all the things I have to do to catch up, when I think of the astronomical amount of effort and work I would have to do on myself, it seems impossible. So I get anxious and my mood gets bad, I become empty and unmotivated.

I feel the same way when I think of my loved ones who are no longer with us. I go from joy (when I think to ctb) to annihilation, when I say to myself "Oh yes, that's right, they're not here anymore", I really think that I can't live without them.

What a shitty life.

As a result, my mood swings, which is exhausting, I go from laughter to tears, I go from serenity to tension.

Paradoxically, I suffer from doing nothing but paradoxically, doing something and facing things terrorises me, I have no confidence in myself and I become paranoid to the point where when I hear people bragging about what they are doing, I take it personally as an attack.

Overall, my mood was 8/10, The fulctuations are exhausting, I go from laughing to crying and really now I want everything to stop.
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(09/06) I was busy and that day I went to see a friend. It was, I think, the last time he saw me alive, he goes back to work the next day and the next few weekends he will be busy.

It's always awkward to just say "Goodbye", not "See you next time". To which he replied "But I'll see you in a month and a half anyway", to which I just let out a whispered "Hmm", not meaning much after all.

Although I had a very nice time and my mind was busy, I realise that I can no longer invest any energy in social relationships. I come out exhausted and have to sleep for days on end to recover. As the energy runs out, so does my mask. I can't smile, joke or talk anymore.

The previous times I saw people, I was still able to play the game a little and I came out of those days as if I were "back to zero". This time, it only made me weaker, because it's the last straight line and this kind of outings make me deviate from my preparations.

It's like being caught up very strongly in the present and the future. It's like pushing a phobic into his greatest fear.

To cut a long story short, by the end of the day I couldn't take it anymore, so I went to bed very early. However, my mood was 6/10, because keeping my mind busy makes me feel like things are going pretty well. I've been able to be a little bit jovial without too much anxiety at times. Again, is this denial?
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(09/07) I saw several friends in the afternoon and was invited to a small party. As I said before, since I couldn't recover from the fatigue of socialising, things went differently.

I took a lot of time off, I didn't try to drink alcohol and the little I did drink didn't do much for me.

I spent more time in the garden smoking and looking at the stars than with them. I've been really angry with myself because I know that the few people who still think about me will eventually cut me out of their lives at some point if I continue to act like this.

I don't have much to say because I didn't get to talk to many people that night.

Indeed, people asked me "Are you OK?" and I just say "Yes yes". I can't really explain why. I think I know that if I start talking about ctb, everything will immediately be done to help me without understanding what I am going through (even to the point of immediately calling the emergency room). I know that I don't want help anymore because getting better would mean forgetting the people I love and whose death I have never gotten over. For me, forgetting them is simply impossible.

I also know that this kind of discussion gets me nowhere. Because the other person's discourse will only be focused on telling me that I have to live, because I have to "think about my loved ones" (whereas I have sacrificed everything for others all the time).

Anyway, I understand better the scale I used to assess my mood on a daily basis. I remember that in this scale, the process that followed ideation was called "crystallisation" and at this stage, it seems, it is no longer possible to reason with a person.

My mood was 8/10, Even being with people, the lack of energy made it difficult. I just felt empty and sad throughout the day. I also preferred to avoid conversations to avoid anxiety because I don't want to hear about the future, work, school...
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(09/08) I saw the person I love and with whom I am in a relationship, so I went on a three-day string of visits and outings with people.

Once again, we went one step further. I was totally apathetic, inexpressive and unable to move or engage in anything. Fortunately, the person I love understands me a little.

I blame myself so much because, I just brought bad mood, sadness, my mood encroaches on his space and I transmit it.

All day I was on the verge of tears, on the verge of anger. So I ruined everything. Because of me, the person I love isolated herself, distanced herself from me. We didn't talk much and I completely ruined the day.

I had to go home in the evening, my mood and my exhaustion created a slight uneasiness where I felt that the person I love was going to use, I would say "the moment to his advantage" to talk to me about certain things.

And then I heard "Are you going to kill yourself?

Time stands still, the seconds freeze and the blood rushes to my head.

Leading the way, I answered "No".

However, I think there were too many signs that I was lying and we started to talk about it and unpack it together.

I was relieved, but I couldn't say that I was going to end it very soon.

After this discussion (which lasted more than two hours), we had a serene and calming couple moment. I probably live as one of the last.

Finally, a little later, I left there, destroyed, racked with guilt.
Because, even though I didn't say I was going to do it soon, even though I got understanding from this person, even though I got confessions of worry and helplessness, I feel criminal for creating false hopes.

The person I love can't really contemplate the worst about suicide because I've been like this for years.

So the fear of my death is there, but it's not really "possible".

It is precisely these thoughts that tormented me on the way home.
I blame myself, I blame myself for giving false hope, I blame myself for spreading sadness, I blame myself for giving people the illusion that I would still be here.

I hate myself.

To end the day, I went home sad, aware of a future epilogue, while thinking about how much I am looking forward to that epilogue happening.

My mood was 10/10, despair has accompanied me even in my dreams, without the person I love, everything would be so simple, because I love this person so much and if I were completely alone, I wouldn't mind dying. I am suffering even as I write these words, I could do it right now.
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(09/09) I spent the day today thinking about the day before.

I still experience it as one more unbearable abandonment.

That's why I prefer not to see anyone. At least when I don't see anyone, I don't have to face the moment when I have to say "Goodbye".

I have done absolutely nothing but hold back my tears.

I get silence on silence when I send messages in the groups I'm in when I try to check in with others.

I feel like these people don't care about what I go through on a daily basis, or maybe, for fear of embarrassment, they just don't want to ask me how I am. But I experience this as a total lack of interest in me on their part.

The pain is immeasurable, my stomach hurts, I feel dizzy.

The plan is going well, things will soon be ready and so much the better.

My mood was 10/10, I could kill myself right now because I can't take it anymore.
While smoking tonight, I had this wonderful one-on-one with this piercing white eye in the night. The moon is watching us and this mutual exchange of glances has, despite my desire to die, soothed me of any anxiety and I can visualize the scenario without fail.

Dying seems normal to me, I suppose.
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Once again, thank you for reading, I will attach to this publication the concludings comments #2 (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ary-concluding-comments-2.98867/#post-1715202)

I wish you a good evening <3

Loving you all <3

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening everyone, keeping my diary is really a complicated thing, I'm too tired and bored to keep up with these things, but I'm hanging in there.
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(09/10) What do you want me to say, it's a very ordinary day.

Absolutely miserable, boring, empty.

I get up, I do nothing, I barely eat, I take a nap, I wake up feverish, pale, staggering and exhausted, only to return to my bed and do nothing.

What more do you want me to say? I honestly have nothing to say.

Life is completely shitty, I'm completely fucked up, I have nothing, I do nothing and I'm worth nothing

In short, nothing more than emptiness

My mood was 8/10, the emptiness, the silence, that's all that accompanied me during this day.
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(09/11) The same thing, the days are just a pale copy of the previous one.

Hard to wake up, slowed down throughout the day.

I may chat with a few people but I don't make anyone laugh, I'm empty or far too emotional, I'm dull and I isolate myself completely.

I realise that the end is near, it seems improbable but I like it.

My mood was 8/10, empty, weary and exhausted
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(09/12) I can literally get through this day, I have absolutely nothing to add because it is based on an absolutely classic but destructive pattern :

Wake up --> doing nothing --> Staring my wall while sighing --> Nap time --> doing nothing --> Going to bed hoping to no longer exist

The result is emptiness and extreme pain. If only everything could stop there.

I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop, in an infinite paradox.

My mood was 8/10, the nothingness, the abyss
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(09/13) I finished absolutely everything in the morning, although my goodbye letter is still to be finished.

So it feels like a ceiling coming down on your head. I've thrown away my last white ball, I feel totally helpless.

I have nothing left to do,

So I'm trying to wander around here as best I can, but I can't get any sense of "distraction" anymore.

I know that again because of some parameters I forgot to take into account, I won't be able to ctb on the expected date.

This makes me anxious and I realise that I no longer have the strength to take the time to write nice, explicit sentences.

I don't care, this is getting me nowhere anyway

My mood was 10/10, I had the feeling that I was being pulled into the abyss as soon as everything I had to do was officially accomplished. I soon wondered why I was still here.
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(09/14) Just another day with anxiety, I think I spent the whole day smoking compulsively so I don't have to realise I have nothing to do

As long as the mind is occupied with music, smoking or chatting, it's fine.

Since that was the case, my mood was 7/10
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(09/15, 16, 17 and 18) I'm grouping all these days together for the simple reason that I've been away and spending time with several people.

I feel like I've been brainwashed over the last few days. My mood has been fluctuating and only the moments when I am alone with my cigarette, only those moments take me back to my journey towards the end.

Because on the whole, I almost forgot the intensity with which the last few days have marked me.

Respectively, I would say that my mood was 6/10, 5/10, 7/10, 6/10

Also, I feel like I'm grouping all these evaluations under one section because I don't enjoy this journal anymore. Sad to say, I feel like I'm burning out when I do it.

I have too few resources and too little energy to do anything yet. And in the beginning I was so idealising ctb in contrast to the life I was living because I felt that death was divine, a beautiful ending compared to the misery that is life.

However, I still want to end it, but I don't have the same approach.

I just see my conception of suicide as a banal end in itself, neither fairytale nor tragic.

I feel like I'm insipid and I feel like things are insipid.

Also, I feel like I'm back to 0 in my intentions, the last few days have been nice, my mood has been drastically better.

But all this sounds absurd, because even though everything is going well, I'm still working on my plan at the moment. I'm always making sure that I have a safety net so that I can say, "This is it, at least if it doesn't go well, I have this option".

I feel like I've picked up a white ball and put it back in my bowl without actually doing it.
I feel like I've found reasons to continue without actually having any.

It annoys me to be so indecisive, it annoys me that things are so complicated.

Because even though I've regained a relative stability, I know that these are only short-term things.

If life as a whole could be experienced only through transient things (parties, staying in the flat or going out with friends, watching movies, talking to respectful people).

If these things, which don't amount to much in a lifetime, could actually cover the whole of one's existence without the need to work, pay, be anxious, face death, illness, loneliness.

Maybe life would be worth it.

I'm totally lost at the moment, because in the long run I'm defeated, but I still enjoy things in the short run.

Here I am again in a phase of questioning, of preparations.

It's sincerely exhausting.
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Thank you for reading me

I wish you a good evening <3