youremy
and we were bound by the city life
- Jun 7, 2026
- 45
I first found this website when I was hospitalized in 2021. Finding out that there was a place that gave access to materials showing a way out of this hellscape was the only comfort I had.
It's now been 5 years. I have royally fucked my life up. I gave it my all, but you can't escape the past.
So I'm escaping the future. I'm scared. Not of death, but of the dying. I think I have a pretty good notion of what the void will be like, as insane as that sounds. I'm just scared of my last moments. Of knowing that although I am escaping a life of despair I have left behind nothing but suffering, and that there's so much in this world that I was never made out to experience. That there was so much that I experienced through sheer luck or deceit. That although the pain and confusion I suffered through my childhood will be gone, the memories I have of the little me living in an environment I could never become a real part of destroyed, the coming years of loneliness, depression, jealousy, pain and hatred avoided, I am nonetheless leaving behind anything and everything that ever will be.
I have written a note in my notes app of all the memories that make me wish I was gone. What's painful is that after typing this out I think of all of the moments that gave me hope. The mental anguish from recalling them in my current state is fucking unbearable. It gives me a headache. It makes me want to retreat to my earliest memories of being a child.
Metoclopramide. Benzodiazepines. Powering through SI. The saltiest shit I will ever taste in my life.
I pray that it works. God knows how much I want the blankness, the never having even existed. The non-awareness of there being such a concept as never even having existed. The lack of 20 years ago, 10 years ago, yesterday, tomorrow, a month from now, retirement I'll never reach with a family I'll never have.
May you all recover or find peace. I wish none of you the limbo of knowing what could have been and what is yet now unattainable. And I know that there must be many of you who are stuck in that limbo.
Every photo of the comforting moments from my life that flashes in my mind is like having someone slide a knife through my brain.
I have always hated pain and avoided it. I've never inflicted any SH upon myself. But in about a week I'll have to make it through the ultimate SH.
If you have any advice on how to counter the amygdala blasting away on full power I'll gladly take it. I've read the threads that gather advice on how to counteract SI. But I want to hear your two cents of advice to someone who literally has no other way out.
It's now been 5 years. I have royally fucked my life up. I gave it my all, but you can't escape the past.
So I'm escaping the future. I'm scared. Not of death, but of the dying. I think I have a pretty good notion of what the void will be like, as insane as that sounds. I'm just scared of my last moments. Of knowing that although I am escaping a life of despair I have left behind nothing but suffering, and that there's so much in this world that I was never made out to experience. That there was so much that I experienced through sheer luck or deceit. That although the pain and confusion I suffered through my childhood will be gone, the memories I have of the little me living in an environment I could never become a real part of destroyed, the coming years of loneliness, depression, jealousy, pain and hatred avoided, I am nonetheless leaving behind anything and everything that ever will be.
I have written a note in my notes app of all the memories that make me wish I was gone. What's painful is that after typing this out I think of all of the moments that gave me hope. The mental anguish from recalling them in my current state is fucking unbearable. It gives me a headache. It makes me want to retreat to my earliest memories of being a child.
Metoclopramide. Benzodiazepines. Powering through SI. The saltiest shit I will ever taste in my life.
I pray that it works. God knows how much I want the blankness, the never having even existed. The non-awareness of there being such a concept as never even having existed. The lack of 20 years ago, 10 years ago, yesterday, tomorrow, a month from now, retirement I'll never reach with a family I'll never have.
May you all recover or find peace. I wish none of you the limbo of knowing what could have been and what is yet now unattainable. And I know that there must be many of you who are stuck in that limbo.
Every photo of the comforting moments from my life that flashes in my mind is like having someone slide a knife through my brain.
I have always hated pain and avoided it. I've never inflicted any SH upon myself. But in about a week I'll have to make it through the ultimate SH.
If you have any advice on how to counter the amygdala blasting away on full power I'll gladly take it. I've read the threads that gather advice on how to counteract SI. But I want to hear your two cents of advice to someone who literally has no other way out.
