Venting CRASH AND BURN!

[frommolecules2stars]

Preface: to everyone who is used to my formality and calmness, be warned that I'm pissed the fuck off rn.

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FUCKING HATE BEING A FEMALE. I HATE MY UTERUS. I HATE MY FUCKING VAGINA. AND NO BEFORE ANY CIS PEOPLE ASK, NOT IN THE FUCKING DYSMORPHIC WAY. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN BORN MALE BUT NO UNIVERSE HAD SOMETHING ELSE IN STORE FOR ME: A LIFETIME OF PURE SUFFERING AND PAIN BECAUSE YOUR BODY WILL NEVER FUCKING BE CORRECT.

I WILL NEVER BE A FULL FUNCTIONING MALE. I WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO RELY ON OUTSIDE SOURCES OF TESTOSTERONE. I WONT EVER HAVE TESTES THAT PRODUCE THEIR OWN TESTOSTERONE! ILL ALWAYS HAVE TO RELY ON MEDICATION JUST TO FEEL FUCKING NORMAL! FUCK THIS. FUCK ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT.

I THOUGHT I COULD GET OFF OF PROGESTERONE BECAUSE MY PERIODS FINALLY STOPPED FOR MONTHS. JESUS CHRIST! BUT ONCE I GET OFF OF IT FOR LESS THAN 5 DAYS I START FUCKING BLEEDING AGAIN. THE PERMANENT SOLUTION? HYSTERECTOMY THAT I CANNOT FUCKING AFFORD!!!!

I WILL HAVE TO WAIT AND BE IN MEDICAL DEBT JUST TO FEEL FINE IN MY BODY. BUT THEY EXPECT ME TO WAIT AND FULLY FUNCTION WHEN EVERYDAY I WAKE UP FEELING LIKE A GODDAMN ALIEN BECAUSE MY STUPID SEX IS WRONG. AND BARELY ANYONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS. NOT EVEN MOST OTHER TRANS PEOPLE BECAUSE THEIR DYSPHORIA ISNT THAT BAD!

HAVE YOU EVER AVOIDED SHOWERS AND CHANGING FOR MONTHS, ALMOST A GODDAMN YEAR, BECAUSE OF HOW HORRIBLE IT IS TO BE REMINDED OF WHAT SEX YOU ARE?! I HAVE. AND IM DISGUSTING FOR IT. ALL I CAN DO IS USE A WASHCLOTH AND EVEN THEN I CANT GET FULLY NAKED UNLESS IM HIGH AS SHIT.

THE WORST FUCKING PART OF THIS BULLSHIT IS THAT CIS PEOPLE THINK MY GODDAMN MEDICAL CONDITION IS THE SPAWN OF SATAN. THAT IM A FUCKING EVIL PEDOPHILE FOR WANTING TO TRANSITION MY SEX. AND THEN THEY HAVE THE GALL TO REMIND ME THAT I WONT EVER BE ABLE TO FULLY CHANGE MY BIOLOGICAL SEX. I FUCKING KNOW!!!!!! I KNOWWWWW!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP. EVEN FEELING MY GODDAMN UTERUS HURT FROM ATROPHY REMINDS ME OF WHAT I AM AND WILL ALWAYS BE.

I HATE BEING A FUCKING TRANNY AND I HATE THIS GODDAMN WORLD. DONT FUCKING TELL ME TO "ACCEPT MYSELF" OR TO REFRAME MY WAY OF SEEING THINGS. IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER WHAT WORDS I PUT ON IT. I WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH TITS, A UTERUS AND A VAGINA FOR FUCKING YEARS AND THE BEST I CAN GET IS ONLY A SEMI FUNCTIONAL DICK!!!! FUCKING CHRIST.

AND EVEN IF I CAN FULLY TRANSITION, MY ESTROGEN FUELED PUBERTY WILL ALWAYS REMAIN OMNIPRESENT AS I AM REMINDED OF HOW STUNTED MY GROWTH WAS. SHORT HEIGHT, TINY HANDS AND FEET, AND FUCKING HIPS THAT WERE MADE TO GIVE BIRTH!

I HATE BEING ALIVE AND I WANT IT OVER WITH. FUCK!!!!!
If my survival instinct didn't exist, I would be using a kitchen knife to cut my uterus out rn. I want to bash my fucking head into the wall and also with a sledgehammer until I am disfigured.

I wanted to fucking play marvel rivals but I use a goddamn cloud rig system and the pixels were fucking AWFUL I cant even enjoy my favorite FUCKIKG GAME WHAT. THE FUCK!!!!!

 

[inverse-weibull]

I'm trans too and can relate a lot to this, but I won't pretend to know fully what you're going through. There was a time in my life where I took a shower not even once a month, because I hated being naked so much. Things have alleviated a bit for me but I'm not going to hit you with the "Things will get better, don't worry" because that's always just bs, I can't imagine how bad your situation is. I'm so sorry that you have to live like this, the horror of living in a body that will never be yours is truly awful. I'm really sorry this is the world we live in, where even basic healthcare to alleviate just some symptoms is literally unaffordable. I'm hoping things get better for you or at least that marvel rivals becomes playable for you again, games can be a good distraction/coping mechanism.