vallak-0
Rave to the Grave
- Jun 7, 2026
- 6
Between making the decition, registering here and today a lot of things happened that i cant talk about so ill just take up the space here real quick to sort my thoughts a bit while trying not to overshare too much again.
The closer my bus comes the more my life tries to lure me in back to try to get me give it another chance. Just small and subtle enough to sting really bad. And the big promise of "its getting better just hold on a bit" knowikg its bait, its not getting better anytime soon. I know when i bite it will turn out to be all lies again, smashing my heart to pieces again, leaving me distraught again.
From social workers promising a normal life is just another appointment away. Small gestures of kindness between those who have nothing, deeptalks on a bench with people who can see the hopelesness in my eyes trying to convince me to hold on. People who now suddenly reach out after making it clear without words that they dont want me around, probably because the guilt is starting to set in, not because they really want to help me.
I like to pride myself to be the furthest of a nihilist becrying how meaningles life is if it cant be spend at its summer eternally. But im not Buddha either, the earthly desires of the homo saphiens exist for evolutionary reasons and when basic human needs arent met, asking for more feels like begging for the whole world. you cant rationalize feelings away forever.
Love, hope, sweet bait of life. I know better. Its still hard to say no when youre hunting for the short dopamine throught drugs and significant feeling social warmth every day. incapable of saying no to bittersweet poison.
A lot of words after all to say people are kind to me and it feels like a knife in my chest being twisted knowing every optimistic word leaving my mouth is me being full of shit trying to convince everyone and myself that its going to be okay. Its not. Its only going to be over, for me. Those who care for me will be left with another devastating blow to life. And no matter how much ketamine i snort and how many beers i drink and how many joints smoked or pills popped...its eating me up. or like the german rapper Disastar once said "MinusĂ—minus=plus". Too bad that the thing i hunger for is it to be over, not better and man cant life off hope alone.
Waiting to end this abusive relationship with life feels like sitting on coal with no way to really cope with the pain. I cant wait for the wait and bait to be over.
less than 3 days left. 3 more days pretending im fine. 3 more days left falling appart silently with nobody to hold me because the person i wish to be loved from doesnt care if i life or die. I dont want to claim my ex is abusive, but breaking up with him was the final decition to break up with life too. Cathartic. Painful. Calm yet restless feelings. I dont want either back, i grieve the things that where fantasy thinking after all. In another life i would be spending my mid 20s playing in bands that wont make it out the practicing room, have a job i find tolerable that pays my tolerable small appartment and complain about having to do the dishes again, the weather and politics. in another life he would love me, not use me until im a drained well.
Okay enough vague venting pseudo intelectual yapping. Im going to go make myself stupid throught nose beers at the park, take care and thank you if you read my rubbish until this point.
The closer my bus comes the more my life tries to lure me in back to try to get me give it another chance. Just small and subtle enough to sting really bad. And the big promise of "its getting better just hold on a bit" knowikg its bait, its not getting better anytime soon. I know when i bite it will turn out to be all lies again, smashing my heart to pieces again, leaving me distraught again.
From social workers promising a normal life is just another appointment away. Small gestures of kindness between those who have nothing, deeptalks on a bench with people who can see the hopelesness in my eyes trying to convince me to hold on. People who now suddenly reach out after making it clear without words that they dont want me around, probably because the guilt is starting to set in, not because they really want to help me.
I like to pride myself to be the furthest of a nihilist becrying how meaningles life is if it cant be spend at its summer eternally. But im not Buddha either, the earthly desires of the homo saphiens exist for evolutionary reasons and when basic human needs arent met, asking for more feels like begging for the whole world. you cant rationalize feelings away forever.
Love, hope, sweet bait of life. I know better. Its still hard to say no when youre hunting for the short dopamine throught drugs and significant feeling social warmth every day. incapable of saying no to bittersweet poison.
A lot of words after all to say people are kind to me and it feels like a knife in my chest being twisted knowing every optimistic word leaving my mouth is me being full of shit trying to convince everyone and myself that its going to be okay. Its not. Its only going to be over, for me. Those who care for me will be left with another devastating blow to life. And no matter how much ketamine i snort and how many beers i drink and how many joints smoked or pills popped...its eating me up. or like the german rapper Disastar once said "MinusĂ—minus=plus". Too bad that the thing i hunger for is it to be over, not better and man cant life off hope alone.
Waiting to end this abusive relationship with life feels like sitting on coal with no way to really cope with the pain. I cant wait for the wait and bait to be over.
less than 3 days left. 3 more days pretending im fine. 3 more days left falling appart silently with nobody to hold me because the person i wish to be loved from doesnt care if i life or die. I dont want to claim my ex is abusive, but breaking up with him was the final decition to break up with life too. Cathartic. Painful. Calm yet restless feelings. I dont want either back, i grieve the things that where fantasy thinking after all. In another life i would be spending my mid 20s playing in bands that wont make it out the practicing room, have a job i find tolerable that pays my tolerable small appartment and complain about having to do the dishes again, the weather and politics. in another life he would love me, not use me until im a drained well.
Okay enough vague venting pseudo intelectual yapping. Im going to go make myself stupid throught nose beers at the park, take care and thank you if you read my rubbish until this point.
