whotookmylexapro
Member
- Jan 19, 2024
- 76
My OCD is at the worst point it has ever been, which in retrospect, its always getting worse. But quite frankly i cannot live like this anymore. Its exhausting, debilitating , and embarrassing. I spent upwards of 8-9 hours this past day focused on my intrusive thoughts and compulsions. Yes I keep track of every time i get lost into another thought loop and cycle. It is killing me. My coping mechanism of hitting myself in the head and spazzing out is out of control and will probably lead to me having a brain bleed or some other major physical event that will kill me if i dont blow my brains out before then.
I only every come here when i feel like attempting, which surpisingly i havent felt like doing in a couple months. I get tired of having to type out my whole history but if whoever is curious enough, all my old posts describe everything about how much pain this condition has brought me. (Not posting this for attention though, just need to vent)
I finally graduated college, got a job offer, and have prospects of moving out and living with a roommate. I should be happy right now, but im not. Im afraid im going to move in with my roommate, cause so much ruckus due to my OCD that it becomes a problem, and then eventually paint my ceiling red and traumatize my only friend.
I feel ashamed of existing. I feel ashamed every time i look in the mirror because all i see is someone consumed by these disgusting thoughts. And then i have degrading intrusive thoughts about myself being harmed, shamed, humiliated. It pisses me off so much. I start hitting myself and shaking violently when im alone because of how angry it makes me. Why. Why cant i just be normal. Why cant i just see myself and feel happy or even just nothing at all. Why do i have to waste my youthfulness going insane. Im not ugly, i have good prospects in the future, i have a friend and brother who care about me so much, yet i cannot feel happy. I dont know if ill ever be happy again.
Ive tried almost everything at this point with medications, TMS and ketamine, and attempting therapy and ERP, but nothing seems to last. ERP is literally torture. I would rather die a thousand times before having to accept these awful, shitty, disgusting thoughts. Ive been trying the NOCD app and trying to get in touch with a therapist from there. They say that in order to get over it, you have to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and learning that you are capable of being uncomfortable and tolerating it. How the fuck am i supposed to do that. You could tie me up and lock me up in a dark room and ill still figure out a way to do my compulsions in response to these inevitable thoughts. Because if i really try and just (1) ignore the thoughts or (2) stand my ground, be like "so what if i have these thoughts" (feign being nonchalant), then my entire mood, entire day is ruined. The thought will hang over my head for the rest of the day. I will feel apathetic, almost anhedonic. Nothing seems interesting or enjoyable. I become irritable and withdrawn, which is especially terrible since im going into healthcare, and if i get an intrusive thought and try ignoring it, then my behavior and work will be negatively affected. And even then, after hours of trying to ignore the thought, eventually i cave in from temptation and just try doing the compulsion again. So really what is the point? Im never going to get over this hurdle.
It genuinely hurts to come to this conclusion. I have everything to live for. I dont want to die. But this condition is torture, it is hell, it is a valid reason to kill yourself. It is something about my mind that just wont accept anything less than perfection (in this instance, having perfect thoughts, basically not having uncomfortable thoughts and feelings). I want a redo on life, its not fair. Atleast, i widh i could have a different brain. I wish i could go through life as the same person on the outside but a different mind or being on the inside.
I only every come here when i feel like attempting, which surpisingly i havent felt like doing in a couple months. I get tired of having to type out my whole history but if whoever is curious enough, all my old posts describe everything about how much pain this condition has brought me. (Not posting this for attention though, just need to vent)
I finally graduated college, got a job offer, and have prospects of moving out and living with a roommate. I should be happy right now, but im not. Im afraid im going to move in with my roommate, cause so much ruckus due to my OCD that it becomes a problem, and then eventually paint my ceiling red and traumatize my only friend.
I feel ashamed of existing. I feel ashamed every time i look in the mirror because all i see is someone consumed by these disgusting thoughts. And then i have degrading intrusive thoughts about myself being harmed, shamed, humiliated. It pisses me off so much. I start hitting myself and shaking violently when im alone because of how angry it makes me. Why. Why cant i just be normal. Why cant i just see myself and feel happy or even just nothing at all. Why do i have to waste my youthfulness going insane. Im not ugly, i have good prospects in the future, i have a friend and brother who care about me so much, yet i cannot feel happy. I dont know if ill ever be happy again.
Ive tried almost everything at this point with medications, TMS and ketamine, and attempting therapy and ERP, but nothing seems to last. ERP is literally torture. I would rather die a thousand times before having to accept these awful, shitty, disgusting thoughts. Ive been trying the NOCD app and trying to get in touch with a therapist from there. They say that in order to get over it, you have to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and learning that you are capable of being uncomfortable and tolerating it. How the fuck am i supposed to do that. You could tie me up and lock me up in a dark room and ill still figure out a way to do my compulsions in response to these inevitable thoughts. Because if i really try and just (1) ignore the thoughts or (2) stand my ground, be like "so what if i have these thoughts" (feign being nonchalant), then my entire mood, entire day is ruined. The thought will hang over my head for the rest of the day. I will feel apathetic, almost anhedonic. Nothing seems interesting or enjoyable. I become irritable and withdrawn, which is especially terrible since im going into healthcare, and if i get an intrusive thought and try ignoring it, then my behavior and work will be negatively affected. And even then, after hours of trying to ignore the thought, eventually i cave in from temptation and just try doing the compulsion again. So really what is the point? Im never going to get over this hurdle.
It genuinely hurts to come to this conclusion. I have everything to live for. I dont want to die. But this condition is torture, it is hell, it is a valid reason to kill yourself. It is something about my mind that just wont accept anything less than perfection (in this instance, having perfect thoughts, basically not having uncomfortable thoughts and feelings). I want a redo on life, its not fair. Atleast, i widh i could have a different brain. I wish i could go through life as the same person on the outside but a different mind or being on the inside.
