Constant agony

[SewerRat]

I should have never started dating. I just really liked him, but holy shit I am NOT okay. I don't know why I thought i'd be able to handle this, I can't even handle myself. I don't even know how far I can make it, why would I make it more complicated by adding another person to the mix? I'm in constant anxiety, I can't eat anymore, nothing feels good or tastes good. I only want to be around them, but thats not always possible. I know it's not healthy either. idk I just need to vent. My days are just filled with me sleeping (to run away from these feelings) or trying to distract myself through any means. I can't live like this. I want to feel loved and I want to give my love, but I can never ever feel loved. Its not their fault either, it's my problem i know. Just really fucking sucks. The only thing that brings me comfort is alcohol, and the thought of CTBing, that will truly be peaceful for me, but i'm just not ready to do that yet.

 

[Sulyya]

Of all the things in the world that people in our situation are seeking - some people here are in debt, or disabled and want relief, or hate their body and want to change it - I just want be in real love. I understand.

 

[SewerRat]

Of all the things in the world that people in our situation are seeking - some people here are in debt, or disabled and want relief, or hate their body and want to change it - I just want be in real love. I understand.

I hate how reliant I am on this notion of unconditional love. I've wanted it for my whole life, it's the only thing I ever wished for or thought about. It doesn't help that its pushed down everyones throats a lot, like "even if you have nothing, at least you'll always have love", and with eacvh passing day this idea of unconditional love slips from my reality more and more. I feel incapable of ever being loved, and its fueled by my partners generally eing very closed off emotionally. I hate to say it too, but I don't think I could live on my own either. Im desperately in need of affection, I always have been. It's the worst feeling ever. Sorry I kind of went on about me for a bit, its just I can't ever talk about this. The general automated response I hear is "you'll find someone", or "you don't need anyone to make you feel loved, you have to love yourself first", and these just don't help me. I hate love sooo much but I want it sooo bad. Thank you

 

[Sulyya]

I hate how reliant I am on this notion of unconditional love. I've wanted it for my whole life, it's the only thing I ever wished for or thought about. It doesn't help that its pushed down everyones throats a lot, like "even if you have nothing, at least you'll always have love", and with eacvh passing day this idea of unconditional love slips from my reality more and more. I feel incapable of ever being loved, and its fueled by my partners generally eing very closed off emotionally. I hate to say it too, but I don't think I could live on my own either. Im desperately in need of affection, I always have been. It's the worst feeling ever. Sorry I kind of went on about me for a bit, its just I can't ever talk about this. The general automated response I hear is "you'll find someone", or "you don't need anyone to make you feel loved, you have to love yourself first", and these just don't help me. I hate love sooo much but I want it sooo bad. Thank you

This is the place to vent, you can say whatever you want and be honest. Many people who read will feel their own version of what you are feeling.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really painful and tiring what you have to go through and it must be hard to deal with feeling trapped in that situation. There certainly does seem to be no peace from suffering in this world but anyway best wishes.