Chaestergram
Free spirit
- Nov 24, 2021
- 91
I can't believe i'm back here. I first discovered when this whole nightmare got worse, in 2021 and here I am 2026 back to here because I just can't deal with the hard earned ways i've learned to deal with pain throughout the years...
I just can't understand why is it those whose being hurt who constantly has to think about ending the pain, why does the ones who destroys someone's soul, light, happiness, life, feelings and mental get to move on ? To just "let it go" ? To rebuild themselves as if they didn't just murdered someone's perception of themselves and life ?
I'm now going 28, 10 years more than what i thought i'd ever lived and yet... I just i've experienced too much of the down sides of life to keep on being destroy. Each time i've given myself the means to rebuild myself, it just never lasted, it just never freaking last. And it's hard to think the "oh but when you're nice and trustful you attract bad people", i just refuse to think any more of that because i can't let go of the guilt and shame of "this is my fault. If i had better boundaries, if i left when i first notice, if i spoke about it, if i stopped pushing my limit..." if, if, if, IF ! CONSTANTLY IF !
Why do I have to keep on taking ? Accepting ? Being understanding ? Finding excuses ? Putting the blame on me ? Is this some type of masochism ? Am I just too used of constantly putting everyone's wellbeing before mine for as long as I can remember ? Is this some kind of conditioning ?
I've been in therapy for almost 3 years and yet here I am, married to someone who's been cheating on me since day 1, who has put his hands on me, has emotionally abused me, coerced me and did all kind of disgusting and inhuman things towards me because i'm just weak, too weak to simply leave, too stupid to simply put him out, to report him, to divorce, just a fucking coward.
And i just no longer have it in me to keep going, I wanted so badly to finally experience the life i always wished to give myself, to give my hardest to acquire, to give it all back to my loved ones, to experience, to see the entire world but i just can't anymore. Back to hurting myself after so many years of having good coping mechanism (minus alcohol period), back to contemplating ways to end it all but how can it even happen when he's constantly with me, there isn't a moment when i can be alone, i can't even be in the bathroom for too long if it sounds like i'm not in the toilet or taking a shower.
You murdered me, ruined my life and I hate how I allowed you to.
I just can't understand why is it those whose being hurt who constantly has to think about ending the pain, why does the ones who destroys someone's soul, light, happiness, life, feelings and mental get to move on ? To just "let it go" ? To rebuild themselves as if they didn't just murdered someone's perception of themselves and life ?
I'm now going 28, 10 years more than what i thought i'd ever lived and yet... I just i've experienced too much of the down sides of life to keep on being destroy. Each time i've given myself the means to rebuild myself, it just never lasted, it just never freaking last. And it's hard to think the "oh but when you're nice and trustful you attract bad people", i just refuse to think any more of that because i can't let go of the guilt and shame of "this is my fault. If i had better boundaries, if i left when i first notice, if i spoke about it, if i stopped pushing my limit..." if, if, if, IF ! CONSTANTLY IF !
Why do I have to keep on taking ? Accepting ? Being understanding ? Finding excuses ? Putting the blame on me ? Is this some type of masochism ? Am I just too used of constantly putting everyone's wellbeing before mine for as long as I can remember ? Is this some kind of conditioning ?
I've been in therapy for almost 3 years and yet here I am, married to someone who's been cheating on me since day 1, who has put his hands on me, has emotionally abused me, coerced me and did all kind of disgusting and inhuman things towards me because i'm just weak, too weak to simply leave, too stupid to simply put him out, to report him, to divorce, just a fucking coward.
And i just no longer have it in me to keep going, I wanted so badly to finally experience the life i always wished to give myself, to give my hardest to acquire, to give it all back to my loved ones, to experience, to see the entire world but i just can't anymore. Back to hurting myself after so many years of having good coping mechanism (minus alcohol period), back to contemplating ways to end it all but how can it even happen when he's constantly with me, there isn't a moment when i can be alone, i can't even be in the bathroom for too long if it sounds like i'm not in the toilet or taking a shower.
You murdered me, ruined my life and I hate how I allowed you to.
