Venting A Tiny bit of closure, still want to CTB

[Thisiscertainlyause]

I Ended up getting into contact with my ex again to try and get closure, I kinda did? I didn't really get any knew answers, it was what I expected, I don't know maybe I didn't and I've just let myself believe I have. Regardless it hasn't really taken away my want to CTB, I think it's only strengthened it, I sound like a broken clock when I say this but, I really do think I'm just broken mentally, I think this was the only person I will ever love this deeply, and it feels wrong for both myself and others to try and find someone new so I just, don't want to. I'm left here just, wanting to die, I know nothing will change about my situation, there are alot of factors other than my ex that make me want to CTB; they were just, a reason to live and being with them gave me some hope things would get better, I could imagine a life with them, I can't imagine one alone or with anyone else. I just don't know what to do, I don't even know why I type out these thoughts or feelings, maybe it's some weird way of my SI's kicking in, hoping that something will save me, I'll hear magic words that fix everything, but if it were that easy this forum probably wouldn't exist. I could go to the hospital, but the thought terrifies me, not because it's bad, last I went was with my ex and everyone there was nice, but the thought about trying to talk through these feelings terrifies me deeply.