complex ptsd has isolated me and ruined my life

[bb5055]

i've had a lot of really really bad things happen to me, but i don't want to trauma dump. i'm 29, and every person that gets even a little close to me gets pushed away. the second they have the power to hurt me i freak out and whether im conscious of it or not i kick them out of my life and blame myself and hate myself for it every time. i dont want to do it at all, i just do it. every goddamn time.

i'm trans and have no community because of this. i have no friends. i have no family. i have no one. the world hates people like me so much and i can't keep navigating it and the trauma of that alone. i just pushed away my new gf by trying to explain my feelings and insecurities in our relationship like my therapist told me too. she always enforces how important communication is. but communicating just pushed her away.

there's this chasm between me and everyone else and i can't get over it. i can't be alone anymore. im in therapy and have been for a bit. it's not helping me stop this. this cycle never ends.

i have SN that i've been sitting on for a couple months. my SI is really strong and i hate it. i have a date set for the 14th of july, but i feel like im just going to be a coward again and not take it. i only have enough for one attempt and i don't want to waste it by mixing it in the water only to not drink it. i'm going to mix it into an air tight mason jar in case i don't take it in the hopes that i can preserve it for another attempt.

do benzos help with SI? i can try and get a hold of some before the date comes if it does. i don't care about comfort at this point really, im just scared of what comes after, not the dying part itself.

i want to get better and ive been trying for over 6 years to do that and im never going to. i've been shaking and crying all morning. i wish i was like other people.

 

[soliloquies]

I'm sorry you've been fighting this battle for so long. I have similar issues with cPTSD and it has made maintaining any sort of interpersonal relationship far more difficult than it ought to be. It can be incredibly difficult to try and escape the instinctive response to push others away for the preservation of yourself and others.

I hope it gets better for you, and that you're able to break through the walls established by your trauma. A specialized therapist + psychiatrist might be better suited for you, don't be afraid to shop around.

All that aside, do you need to talk? We have similar pfps, did you like the finale? Do you need to talk about specifically what happened with your new gf?

 

[red_cardinal]

I struggle with C-PTSD too, so I understand the pain of it. I'm terribly sorry, and I can only offer you a virtual hug I know the SI is a bitch, and CTB-ing isn't ever as easy as they portray it. But please make the decision that you believe will bring you peace. It's okay to back away, to change your mind, to wait.

 

[bb5055]

I'm sorry you've been fighting this battle for so long. I have similar issues with cPTSD and it has made maintaining any sort of interpersonal relationship far more difficult than it ought to be. It can be incredibly difficult to try and escape the instinctive response to push others away for the preservation of yourself and others.

I hope it gets better for you, and that you're able to break through the walls established by your trauma. A specialized therapist + psychiatrist might be better suited for you, don't be afraid to shop around.

All that aside, do you need to talk? We have similar pfps, did you like the finale? Do you need to talk about specifically what happened with your new gf?

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  #4

currently working this a IFS specialist and have been on a few pretty solid psych meds for a couple years now.

i just get scared. i've had three separate instances in my life of people i really love and care about trying to kill me or very severely threatening to kill me. when i get close to people this subconscious part of me appears that just pushes them away. i used to blame other people for it, like they were the problem not me. but it is me. i sabotage everything.

the stupid thing is the girl actually apologized and we have communicated through the issue and we're back to where we were with a better plan in place for both of us and what we both need. i so instantly jumped into direct suicidal action and ideation before that happened that it's scary. i've been like that for the past 6 months, and i keep getting worse.

i've been open with my therapist about all of this but whether it will get better or not remains to be seen. i'm trying though. i want to live and be happy. i'm at odds with myself in that goal tho.

the finale was so good btw! i saw it in theaters and just sobbed at so many parts. i can't wait to rewatch it when i get a chance now that it's out on youtube.

I struggle with C-PTSD too, so I understand the pain of it. I'm terribly sorry, and I can only offer you a virtual hug I know the SI is a bitch, and CTB-ing isn't ever as easy as they portray it. But please make the decision that you believe will bring you peace. It's okay to back away, to change your mind, to wait.

i'm gonna keep trying. beyond SI i have such a big desire to live even for moderate periods of happiness in my life. those are so so rare that i feel like there's no point ever. that's when the ideation gets bad and that's when i start taking steps to accomplish an attempt.

it's gotten more serious with time and every episode keeps escalating. i know im going to die by suicide, i just don't know when. i'm hoping i can just keep putting it off for a while and try and enjoy life and love others until then.

 

[soliloquies]

That's actually great! I'm glad to hear that you guys talked things through and settled on a healthier plan. Sometimes partners need time to clear their own heads and think through the information provided to them. It's scary, but not always a sign that they're distancing with the intent of leaving and/or hurting you.

It's clear you still have a lot of life left in you, I do hope a healthier relationship will help you heal a bit. Our own trauma can, like you said, be at odds with our innate desire to live. I really hope you can overcome it and live stable and happily. You can always poke me here if you need to chat about little things, I keep my forum notifications on

The finale also made me tear up a little bit, I also went to go see it in theaters while it was there. Being around strangers there and seeing them wear their interests with pride and expressing such happiness always helped me step back from that proverbial ledge