Venting I’ve realised I have no will anymore

[suacide]

Hello everyone, sorry for being so inconsistent on here. Today I wanna kinda vent but also discuss some things, maybe get some advice…

In short, I've realised I really don't have any agency for myself. My issues are worse than I thought and now I'm fearing I have genuine developmental issues because of my trauma and the way I was raised. It's all too much. I have no agency for myself and just let things happen to me. I make no moves even when I know it's hurting me, I just can't do it. I feel like I need to taken care of for anything to get done.

My grieving hasn't gotten any better either, I still miss her everyday and even after 13 months it hurts the same and I regularly have days where all I can ever think about is her and how this really is it. I feel that way whenever I see older people that still have their parents around. Or when someone is being ungrateful over them. A part of me died with her and I don't think I'll ever really get it back.

I make promises to myself a lot, saying I'll go to the doctors, that I'll make steps to improve myself, but I never do it. I never can it feels. Apathy is something I struggle with greatly. I just wish someone was there to sit with me and help me when times were hard, or even just force me to do things even if every fiber in my being doesn't want to, but I've got nothing anymore. Nobody to cheer me on or support me, nobody to support in return. Everyone has a someone except me.
I don't even mean romantically, I could hardly care about that sort of thing, just someone who understands you and you understand them back.

I'm out of ideas. I don't know what's next, or how, or why. I'm tired.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

It's okay, mate. We're all struggling. You're with a community of people who do. However you choose to go forward, the community will support you. Even if you feel like you've got no one, mate, you've got us, at least me. Wishing you lots of love and a peaceful sleep

 

[SASU-KE]

Hi Sua,sorry you're back.If I'm not mistaken, you're talking about your mother. I lost my mother too recently. It's really difficult. doesn't matter how many people are around you or how many friends you have or other relatives you're in contact with,the relationship with your mother is special and irreplaceable.

Even when you have other relationships, that one relationship is gone and can never be replaced by anyone else. I miss the way I used to speak with her and how we used to go back and forth. There were things I could talk about only with her.

Were you sheltered by your parents as a child?