delusionalgirl
I have my ticket. Awaiting my journey
- Jun 17, 2023
- 194
Hello all! It's been awhile. I feel calmer since I came back. I'm ctb within the next month. Things were better for awhile or let me say I thought they were. I put off ctb because I couldn't leave my dogs. Well unfortunately both my babies passed last year which caused a spiral. Constant fights with partner, couldn't do anything right. I had enough of that so I left. Living in a motel. Was doing ok but started spiraling 2 months ago.
Let's just say years of untreated abuse in all forms, isolation, a ton of debt, fear, depression, anxiety, ptsd, cancer cells being detected and the knowledge that in probably 2 decades or less dementia will set in. Shake it in a shaker pour it out and you get the meltdown I had. Not sleeping which effected (affected? Honestly never can remember) my job. My dumb ass broke my sobriety. I knew I fucked up immediately and where I'm moving to I already looked into out patient treatment. It dawned on me, everything did. I'm not going to get out of this at all. Hell I've been trying since I was a kid. So why bother at this point. All the mental health issues, a therapist broke my trust when I was 10. Never ever was able to trust a therapist again. Believe me I tried a few times. Yesterday I looked into voluntarily committing myself.
And I started planning. It's always been there. As for after life. Oh forgot to mention raised in cult and to them you die then nothing. But I do believe in reincarnation. Hopefully next time is better. Family? Don't speak to them. Friends? I feel bad but my will to live is gone. Plus look at the world. I'm done. I have several options. I have a connection to get meth laced fentanyl, a gun (oh trust me I read the mega thread thoroughly), and partial suspension hanging. Would I like someone there at the end? I don't know. But maybe find someone to get a hug some intimacy from one last time. I'm going to go to a different state because i sure is shit don't want to die in Texas. They would probably put my corpse in prison. Sorry I've always had a twisted since of humor. Yes I know hotel, someone will walk in. Sheet over door on inside with note and large tip. I still have my playlist. And typing this out I'm finally feeling some peace.
Let's just say years of untreated abuse in all forms, isolation, a ton of debt, fear, depression, anxiety, ptsd, cancer cells being detected and the knowledge that in probably 2 decades or less dementia will set in. Shake it in a shaker pour it out and you get the meltdown I had. Not sleeping which effected (affected? Honestly never can remember) my job. My dumb ass broke my sobriety. I knew I fucked up immediately and where I'm moving to I already looked into out patient treatment. It dawned on me, everything did. I'm not going to get out of this at all. Hell I've been trying since I was a kid. So why bother at this point. All the mental health issues, a therapist broke my trust when I was 10. Never ever was able to trust a therapist again. Believe me I tried a few times. Yesterday I looked into voluntarily committing myself.
And I started planning. It's always been there. As for after life. Oh forgot to mention raised in cult and to them you die then nothing. But I do believe in reincarnation. Hopefully next time is better. Family? Don't speak to them. Friends? I feel bad but my will to live is gone. Plus look at the world. I'm done. I have several options. I have a connection to get meth laced fentanyl, a gun (oh trust me I read the mega thread thoroughly), and partial suspension hanging. Would I like someone there at the end? I don't know. But maybe find someone to get a hug some intimacy from one last time. I'm going to go to a different state because i sure is shit don't want to die in Texas. They would probably put my corpse in prison. Sorry I've always had a twisted since of humor. Yes I know hotel, someone will walk in. Sheet over door on inside with note and large tip. I still have my playlist. And typing this out I'm finally feeling some peace.
